So preaching Monday night was probably one of the coolest things I have ever done. I was really nervous going in (but you knew that!) and as I stood in front of all those people and Mark prayed over me, the expected and dreaded adrenaline rush hit, and I thought, oh no! I'm a goner... oh, Lord, please help!
And He did. :)
I was totally fine, and while I know I have years worth of growing to do, and that there are probably a dozen ways in which it could have been better - that was a really good first run. And it feels strange to say that, like it's prideful or something, but I feel like I had so little to do with it - really, I'm just grateful, because there are so many ways I could have totally screwed that up, and I didn't. In fact, God really used me to speak, and I'm sure I don't even have a clue as to half of what He did. I am so honored, and so humbled, that He would do that...
And afterwards, a handful of people were waiting around to talk to me, to tell me how God had spoken to them, and to tell me their stories about hard things going on in their lives - and I got to pray with them, and see God at work in ways I could never have anticipated Sunday night, as I sat editing and re-editing, and doing my best just to be faithful to His word and what was kind of on my heart to say... It didn't go perfectly - but that didn't seem to matter - God's Word just went out and did what it does - and to be allowed to carry it was just an immense privilege... I'm honestly not even sure that it's really sunk in yet... I actually preached ... and it went well!
yikes!!!
well, today's the big day! i've been informed that this is not the first time i have preached, but it is definitely the first time i've done it on purpose without a guitar to hide behind. i am the slightest bit nervous, and i have absolutely no idea how this will go. when i lead worship there are eighteen million things to think about and i generally, after years of doing it, catch about five of them. (lately i've been forgetting to tape my music together and put it in a binder so i don't have to worry about page turns as much - that's hard when you're playing straight thru to the next song on your guitar, but most of the time, i manage it.) still, there's almost always something that comes up on stage that makes me think, gosh, i wish i'd thought of that earlier - this would go so much better if... i can't imagine it's much different with preaching.
what do you do with your notes? do you just read off the page where you wrote it all out? that might work from a pulpit, but i've got a music stand and stage space to pace around in. what if i forget what i was saying? (this happens in conversation, and i am not a "let's stand up in public and give a speech" type of person.) and what if i miss it? what if i accidentally say something that isn't true? i've studied, and i've sought counsel, but what if? this is extremely serious business, sharing God's word, and telling people how to apply it to their lives... stepping into a position of authority and assuming the responsibility that comes with being given that authority is no small task. it's... exciting, terrifying, a zillion things i can't even define.
and yet... as Rachel said, months ago - it's like i'm standing on the edge of the promised land, looking out over it, and all i have to do is believe that God has given it to me, and put feet to my faith. it's time to go get it.
last May, i finally realized that God had given me something to say; i just didn't know what it was. i'm still not 100% sure, but i'm going to show up and start talking tonight, and i guess we'll find out. :)
prayers appreciated!!!! :)
what do you do with your notes? do you just read off the page where you wrote it all out? that might work from a pulpit, but i've got a music stand and stage space to pace around in. what if i forget what i was saying? (this happens in conversation, and i am not a "let's stand up in public and give a speech" type of person.) and what if i miss it? what if i accidentally say something that isn't true? i've studied, and i've sought counsel, but what if? this is extremely serious business, sharing God's word, and telling people how to apply it to their lives... stepping into a position of authority and assuming the responsibility that comes with being given that authority is no small task. it's... exciting, terrifying, a zillion things i can't even define.
and yet... as Rachel said, months ago - it's like i'm standing on the edge of the promised land, looking out over it, and all i have to do is believe that God has given it to me, and put feet to my faith. it's time to go get it.
last May, i finally realized that God had given me something to say; i just didn't know what it was. i'm still not 100% sure, but i'm going to show up and start talking tonight, and i guess we'll find out. :)
prayers appreciated!!!! :)
unexpected
i went to the birthday party of a good friend last night; it was really fun, and we had a great time, and right in the middle of all of it, God was at work in one of the most unexpected ways...
i've alluded to the fact that i'm just struggling a bit emotionally and mentally right now (see Psalm 13), and part of that is this ongoing war with my anti-failure/perfectionism issues... i hate failing. at anything. especially when it involves letting people down. and last fall i managed to do it royally in a particular situation and there was so much hurt and misunderstanding on both sides that it didn't really seem like there was ever going to be a healthy resolution to that. i mean, i said i was sorry for my part in it, and i left the door open for communication (or i thought i had), but the other person either never saw it or never walked through it, and eventually our ways parted completely, and it's been simply months since we've talked. the last time i saw him we didn't even say hi... and it isn't something that's been in the forefront of my mind much - it was relegated to the mental drawer of "things i really wish i'd handled a little better/don't do that again" - but i was thinking about it again on Thursday, and found myself extremely upset about the whole thing, just randomly, and i had to take it back to God and say "i don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You."
and this guy with whom i'd had such a falling out was at the party last night.
i walked in and thought, "oh, no - this is going to be so awkward..." but after a few minutes, i decided that, whether it was my turn to say something or not (and i'd been opting for "not" for months), i am thirty-three years old and it was high time to just grow up. so after a while i walked over to where he was sitting, sat down nearby, met his eyes, smiled, took a deep breath, and said, "so how are you?" we caught up on random life stuff briefly, and then he had to go to pick up his fiancee, and as he was leaving, we hugged, and i said, "i really am sorry." he said, "thank you. because, Happy, that really hurt." i didn't know what else to say, so i simply said, "i know. and i'm sorry." and he just kind of looked at me, and he smiled, and i said, "don't be a stranger. drop me a line every now and again, and let me know how you are." and he said he would.
it was a weird moment. good, but weird. there's part of me that wishes he'd taken it the next step and said, "i forgive you." there's something about hearing those words that just makes it easier to really let it go... but if he hasn't, i suppose that's not really my issue. i've forgiven him - and i'm most of the way toward forgiving myself (tho exercising grace toward myself is always hard). if he wants to talk more about what actually happened, i know i can do that now. it would still probably be awkward - but i'm not sure i care. i just don't want to be at odds with anybody in God's kingdom over anything. i'm okay with people not agreeing with me or liking me particularly (in theory, anyway. when it comes right down to it, i would like everyone to like me, as previously noted) - but i'm not okay with tension about it. this is my family. these are the people with whom i'm going to spend eternity. even if we're not in agreement over something, i would at least like to get along...or at least be patient and kind and everything else that love is, in my actions toward people...
it was such an unexpected moment. but i'm glad for it. because whether there's ever more conversation about it or not, it seems like a chapter just got closed and it even had a happy twist at the end. i suspect our conversation was something he really needed, and i'm glad God gave me the grace to step outside of myself and have it - and i guess maybe i needed it too. it's definitely one thing now crossed off the list of things that the enemy can throw back in my face. yes, i failed miserably in how i handled that last year. but yesterday? i did "the right thing." and i didn't do it because i felt i had to or because someone told me it was what i was supposed to do - i did it because i love Jesus, and because i really wanted to. and it felt good, to finally be in a place with this where i was driven not by guilt, but by compassion.
and it was pretty sweet. (thanks, God...)
i've alluded to the fact that i'm just struggling a bit emotionally and mentally right now (see Psalm 13), and part of that is this ongoing war with my anti-failure/perfectionism issues... i hate failing. at anything. especially when it involves letting people down. and last fall i managed to do it royally in a particular situation and there was so much hurt and misunderstanding on both sides that it didn't really seem like there was ever going to be a healthy resolution to that. i mean, i said i was sorry for my part in it, and i left the door open for communication (or i thought i had), but the other person either never saw it or never walked through it, and eventually our ways parted completely, and it's been simply months since we've talked. the last time i saw him we didn't even say hi... and it isn't something that's been in the forefront of my mind much - it was relegated to the mental drawer of "things i really wish i'd handled a little better/don't do that again" - but i was thinking about it again on Thursday, and found myself extremely upset about the whole thing, just randomly, and i had to take it back to God and say "i don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You."
and this guy with whom i'd had such a falling out was at the party last night.
i walked in and thought, "oh, no - this is going to be so awkward..." but after a few minutes, i decided that, whether it was my turn to say something or not (and i'd been opting for "not" for months), i am thirty-three years old and it was high time to just grow up. so after a while i walked over to where he was sitting, sat down nearby, met his eyes, smiled, took a deep breath, and said, "so how are you?" we caught up on random life stuff briefly, and then he had to go to pick up his fiancee, and as he was leaving, we hugged, and i said, "i really am sorry." he said, "thank you. because, Happy, that really hurt." i didn't know what else to say, so i simply said, "i know. and i'm sorry." and he just kind of looked at me, and he smiled, and i said, "don't be a stranger. drop me a line every now and again, and let me know how you are." and he said he would.
it was a weird moment. good, but weird. there's part of me that wishes he'd taken it the next step and said, "i forgive you." there's something about hearing those words that just makes it easier to really let it go... but if he hasn't, i suppose that's not really my issue. i've forgiven him - and i'm most of the way toward forgiving myself (tho exercising grace toward myself is always hard). if he wants to talk more about what actually happened, i know i can do that now. it would still probably be awkward - but i'm not sure i care. i just don't want to be at odds with anybody in God's kingdom over anything. i'm okay with people not agreeing with me or liking me particularly (in theory, anyway. when it comes right down to it, i would like everyone to like me, as previously noted) - but i'm not okay with tension about it. this is my family. these are the people with whom i'm going to spend eternity. even if we're not in agreement over something, i would at least like to get along...or at least be patient and kind and everything else that love is, in my actions toward people...
it was such an unexpected moment. but i'm glad for it. because whether there's ever more conversation about it or not, it seems like a chapter just got closed and it even had a happy twist at the end. i suspect our conversation was something he really needed, and i'm glad God gave me the grace to step outside of myself and have it - and i guess maybe i needed it too. it's definitely one thing now crossed off the list of things that the enemy can throw back in my face. yes, i failed miserably in how i handled that last year. but yesterday? i did "the right thing." and i didn't do it because i felt i had to or because someone told me it was what i was supposed to do - i did it because i love Jesus, and because i really wanted to. and it felt good, to finally be in a place with this where i was driven not by guilt, but by compassion.
and it was pretty sweet. (thanks, God...)
Psalm 13
I've started asking God where to go in His Word when I sit down to read at times, and this morning He said Psalm 13. I have dearly loved this psalm since the first time I heard Shane and Shane's version of it... and this morning it made me smile and want to weep all at once, as it so expressed my heart in prayer today... and I am so glad to serve and love a God who knows me so well. How treasured I feel, that He would see my heart and lead me to the exact place in His Word that so accurately said everything I wanted to say...
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
"pop!"
HT: ASBO JesusExercising grace. Sometimes it's ridiculously difficult, especially when you find you need to exercise it toward yourself, do you know what I mean? There are times when I find it so much easier to extend grace to someone else for their faults and failures than I do to myself, but it's such a double-standard. God's grace to me is just as effective and just as much a gift as it is to anyone else, so why do I hold myself to a higher standard than that to which I hold others? Is it some sort of backwards pride? An "I'm better than you, so I have to act like it" thing? Dear Lord, I hope not... but the fact is, I am a perfectionist, and I want to do, think, and say everything right all the time, and never fail... (which sounds ridiculous when you put it like that, but there it is...)
And I'm really lousy at it. In fact, you could term it... (feigned gasp) failure....
Lord, have mercy. And please make me more like You. Amen.
--------------
I've found myself with a lot of head chatter this week. I think a lot (you've probably noticed that by now) and there's usually something (or many things) flow-charting in my head - but there are times when pretty much all you can term it is "chatter" - an endless stream of negative self-talk that does no good, and nine times out of ten turns out to be a pack of lies from the pit of hell... And it's so easy to get discouraged by that sometimes.
But God, in his mercy, has been really cool about helping me to notice more quickly of late when it is that I'm starting to get caught up in that sort of mind-set and the emotional tangle that comes with it... and I've got a new tactic that helps me to laugh it off a bit. I have a very young friend who cannot say her "st" sound yet, so when she says "stop!" it comes out "pop!" (It totally cracks me up.) A few weeks ago, she actually said it to me about something, and I looked back at her in astonishment and said, without thinking, "No, you pop!" And we both started laughing, and now it's a joke... but sometimes, when I find myself getting all internally angsty, I will take a deep breath and tell myself to "Just pop!" And it makes me smile, every time. Which is a very good start to being far less angsty... (yay!)
isn't it pretty?!
thanks, Erin!!!! (not that i haven't said that a dozen times already, but i thought it needed a little publicity too.) :)
it's funny how something as simple as a new template or moving your couch can cheer you up. not that i was depressed, exactly. just... well, i've been inexplicably out of sorts entirely too often lately, and i'm not really sure what's up with that. and today was so weird. i went to church for the first time in two months, and it was just really strange to be back. normal, but totally not normal either. i didn't really know where i fit... and trying to explain that to my pastor who very kindly and thoughtfully asked while we walked across the lawn to investigate the "issues" with the gigantic blow-up jumpy thingy/climbing wall/slip-n-slide for the church picnic - well. let's just say it was a disjointed and in the end less-than-productive conversation. i went home with more questions than i'd had when i walked in.
and sundays of late have been days of utter rest and solitude. today wasn't like that. i did go biking. that was nice. showering when i got home was even better. it was hot today.
but here it is, the end of the day, and i need sunday - and tomorrow is monday. how did that happen? oh, wait....
"sometimes what happens to you is emotional, Hap. I still want you to praise Me."
i'm going to go take out my contacts, find some cozy pjs, and spend a little time doing that, i think. on my couch, which is in a new spot....
everything's changing... and "it's all good". it is.
sidenote: while i was cleaning and reorganizing this weekend, i found 27 books on my shelves that i have never read. and that's not counting the dozen or so loaners from friends... lol. well. at least i won't be bored...even at two books a month, that's more than a year's worth of reading, right there.... :) and then there's the matter of that junk mail basket... and the other one.... ;)
it's funny how something as simple as a new template or moving your couch can cheer you up. not that i was depressed, exactly. just... well, i've been inexplicably out of sorts entirely too often lately, and i'm not really sure what's up with that. and today was so weird. i went to church for the first time in two months, and it was just really strange to be back. normal, but totally not normal either. i didn't really know where i fit... and trying to explain that to my pastor who very kindly and thoughtfully asked while we walked across the lawn to investigate the "issues" with the gigantic blow-up jumpy thingy/climbing wall/slip-n-slide for the church picnic - well. let's just say it was a disjointed and in the end less-than-productive conversation. i went home with more questions than i'd had when i walked in.
and sundays of late have been days of utter rest and solitude. today wasn't like that. i did go biking. that was nice. showering when i got home was even better. it was hot today.
but here it is, the end of the day, and i need sunday - and tomorrow is monday. how did that happen? oh, wait....
"sometimes what happens to you is emotional, Hap. I still want you to praise Me."
i'm going to go take out my contacts, find some cozy pjs, and spend a little time doing that, i think. on my couch, which is in a new spot....
everything's changing... and "it's all good". it is.
sidenote: while i was cleaning and reorganizing this weekend, i found 27 books on my shelves that i have never read. and that's not counting the dozen or so loaners from friends... lol. well. at least i won't be bored...even at two books a month, that's more than a year's worth of reading, right there.... :) and then there's the matter of that junk mail basket... and the other one.... ;)
pardon my dust
I've joked often that my living space reflects the reality of my inner state - but I'm not sure it's really a joke. Funny, maybe. But not a joke. Whether it became true because I said it so often, or whether it always was true and I just observed it humorously before the truth really sank in, I do not know. Nevertheless, there it is. Walk into my house (er... three-room flat in a finished basement) and you will know within two seconds how I am really - unless, of course, I knew you were coming, and then, in spite of the fact that I still think of what Lauren Winner has to say about true hospitality, I will have... cleaned up a bit. (Translation: everything that wasn't put away is now shoved in a box, my desk, my closet, a kitchen cabinet, or under my bed, etc. and I will have at least wiped down the bathroom and boy-proofed the bathroom - and no, this does not mean encasing it in bubble-wrap - and maybe, just maybe, if I had enough time, vacuumed up a few of the dust-bunnies. (now dust on shelves, picture frames, etc. - that stays (mostly because I just don't notice it...)))
I've been itching of late to do something new to my space. I'm the sort of person who just spontaneously re-arranges her furniture every 6 months... and I'll confess I've thought about it every now and again, but I have yet to rearrange anything since I moved in about two and a half years ago. I've been content with things the way they are. It's a small space, and it works the way it is. It's been okay. But something in me just wants a change, all of a sudden. So last night I went window shopping with a friend, and came home with picture hangers (for the frames that never made it to the wall), a new rug (on sale for $8) and a couple of cloth covered boxes that will fit perfectly in my bookshelves. I have a mental plan for reorganizing my kitchen/living room - we'll see if it works. If it does, I will then have to rearrange my bedroom, because I'll have books that need a new home. And my room - my retreat spot - needs a face-lift anyway. (Although I gave myself a budget - $25. I have $6 left.... This could be challenging.) :)
So what does all this say about how I am really? Well, your guess might be better than mine at this point, but at the very least, I suspect it says I am ready for a change...
Just before I left for my road trip, Jake sent me this video of a song called Fidelity, by Regina Spektor. He said to think about the guy in this video as a metaphor for my calling. Watch it first, and then I'll tell you what I said to him, as I was watching it...
Did you watch it? :)
I did - and my first observation was, "Jake - the guy has no head!"
Something about this song is messing with me, tho...
Anyway. With all of this itching for change and newness and for people who need heads to obtain them, I'm also in the mood for a little blogospherical change. I tried Wordpress last weekend. I don't know enough of the technical codes to make that work well at this point, tho. And I really like Blogger -I find it to be very user-friendly. (thanks, Blogger people!) :) So I'm sticking around - but there might be a bit of dust kicking up as I reconstruct a bit. Erin (bless her) is going to help me with some of it. Feel free to offer commentary at will as we go. :) Yes, this is my space - but I'm also the kind of person who likes her friends to feel at home, which is why I'll probably never go with a black background, in spite of the fact that I liked it - Sara, my bff, can't stand it. :D
So that's the story. Pardon my dust for a few days. Just think of it as yet another shift... :)
I've been itching of late to do something new to my space. I'm the sort of person who just spontaneously re-arranges her furniture every 6 months... and I'll confess I've thought about it every now and again, but I have yet to rearrange anything since I moved in about two and a half years ago. I've been content with things the way they are. It's a small space, and it works the way it is. It's been okay. But something in me just wants a change, all of a sudden. So last night I went window shopping with a friend, and came home with picture hangers (for the frames that never made it to the wall), a new rug (on sale for $8) and a couple of cloth covered boxes that will fit perfectly in my bookshelves. I have a mental plan for reorganizing my kitchen/living room - we'll see if it works. If it does, I will then have to rearrange my bedroom, because I'll have books that need a new home. And my room - my retreat spot - needs a face-lift anyway. (Although I gave myself a budget - $25. I have $6 left.... This could be challenging.) :)
So what does all this say about how I am really? Well, your guess might be better than mine at this point, but at the very least, I suspect it says I am ready for a change...
Just before I left for my road trip, Jake sent me this video of a song called Fidelity, by Regina Spektor. He said to think about the guy in this video as a metaphor for my calling. Watch it first, and then I'll tell you what I said to him, as I was watching it...
Did you watch it? :)
I did - and my first observation was, "Jake - the guy has no head!"
Something about this song is messing with me, tho...
Anyway. With all of this itching for change and newness and for people who need heads to obtain them, I'm also in the mood for a little blogospherical change. I tried Wordpress last weekend. I don't know enough of the technical codes to make that work well at this point, tho. And I really like Blogger -I find it to be very user-friendly. (thanks, Blogger people!) :) So I'm sticking around - but there might be a bit of dust kicking up as I reconstruct a bit. Erin (bless her) is going to help me with some of it. Feel free to offer commentary at will as we go. :) Yes, this is my space - but I'm also the kind of person who likes her friends to feel at home, which is why I'll probably never go with a black background, in spite of the fact that I liked it - Sara, my bff, can't stand it. :D
So that's the story. Pardon my dust for a few days. Just think of it as yet another shift... :)
everything's changing...
an object in motion will stay in motion until it is stopped by an equal and opposite force.
i’m discovering it is possible to have the metaphorical wind knocked out of you when you are that object…
one of my friends just got engaged, and i’m really excited for her. another one of my friends has been in Africa on a missions trip for a few months, and she wrote yesterday to say that she isn’t coming home until January now. another friend is in Fiji and while he is coming home next week, he won’t be here long before he’s off to new adventures as a result of this trip. two of my friends are moving to Minnesota. another just up and quit his job in pursuit of what God has for him, tho he has no idea what that might be.
and i’m still here. i’m still in this very flat state (which has its share of nice people, but just isn’t West Michigan), and i’m still living paycheck to paycheck, in a friend’s basement. and i feel like, just for a minute, i’ve been totally winded by something. it isn’t jealousy or envy, i don’t think - i don’t want their lives - i want mine; it’s just - i don’t know - life. i feel like i just got sucker-punched - but not by anyone… maybe by my own choices, or a false idea of what my life “should” have looked like and doesn’t? i don’t know exactly. all i know is that just for a minute there, i couldn’t breathe.
but i’m better now.
and i’m excited for these friends and for their futures… and for whatever mine might be. i wouldn’t know any of these people if I didn’t live here, and i’ve been blessed to know them - and… well. at least there’s email and whatnot. sigh…
i’m discovering it is possible to have the metaphorical wind knocked out of you when you are that object…
one of my friends just got engaged, and i’m really excited for her. another one of my friends has been in Africa on a missions trip for a few months, and she wrote yesterday to say that she isn’t coming home until January now. another friend is in Fiji and while he is coming home next week, he won’t be here long before he’s off to new adventures as a result of this trip. two of my friends are moving to Minnesota. another just up and quit his job in pursuit of what God has for him, tho he has no idea what that might be.
and i’m still here. i’m still in this very flat state (which has its share of nice people, but just isn’t West Michigan), and i’m still living paycheck to paycheck, in a friend’s basement. and i feel like, just for a minute, i’ve been totally winded by something. it isn’t jealousy or envy, i don’t think - i don’t want their lives - i want mine; it’s just - i don’t know - life. i feel like i just got sucker-punched - but not by anyone… maybe by my own choices, or a false idea of what my life “should” have looked like and doesn’t? i don’t know exactly. all i know is that just for a minute there, i couldn’t breathe.
but i’m better now.
and i’m excited for these friends and for their futures… and for whatever mine might be. i wouldn’t know any of these people if I didn’t live here, and i’ve been blessed to know them - and… well. at least there’s email and whatnot. sigh…
un-churched?
i never thought i’d be here, in this place of reticence on a sunday morning, in this place of ambivalence about going to church…
i didn’t go this morning. i haven’t been for weeks. and i feel like maybe i should feel guilty about it, but really, what i feel guilty about is not feeling guilt. i’m not sure why i’m not going, either. maybe if i knew i had some sort of latent anger or something towards the church, i could manage to feel guilty about that, deal with it as the sin it would be, and go back. but unless i am completely self-deceived, i’m not angry about anything. i’m not even all that disillusioned… i’m enough of a cynic to recognize that no place and no people, no matter how passionately they’re pursuing God, will ever get it “right.” no… if anything, i think i’m just kind of burned out.
worship. what is it? ultimately it is simply declaring God’s worth - giving Him the glory, honor, praise, etc. that He deserves. that’s why we’re supposed to go to church. to worship Him together - the various parts of the body of Christ assembled in one place. expressing unity. remembering that “oh, yes, I can’t be a Christian in isolation.” allowing others to minister to us, and in turn, ministering to them - each of us being who God made us to be with gifts that complement the gifts of others and work together to point to His wisdom, glory, omniscience - amazing-ness.
a worship service. a service. a gift offered to God’s people by those in a more formal ministry capacity, whether professional or volunteer. structured, designed carefully, to teach worship both by model and instruction. liturgy. formal or informal, every service has one - we come, someone calls us to worship through song or formal words. we sing, we pray, we recite creeds, we remember together who God is. we get quiet and listen for God to speak. (did you know this is what you’re doing when someone preaches?) we respond to His voice.
this is why we are supposed to go to church.
but why do we really go? do we go because someone will notice we’re not there, and we care too much about what they think? do we go because we’re supposed to? do we go because we don’t know what else to do? do we go because we think it will make God happy? because it’s just what you do? because it makes us feel like we’ve done something about our spiritual lives for the week, and even if we manage to sleep right through the time we told God last week we’d give him every morning for those “quiet times” (oh, yeah - it was really quiet, except for the snoring) it will make us feel a little better, because “at least i went to church”?
you know, there was a time when i would have said that if those are the reasons that got you to church, well, fine. because there’s a sense in which they really are all valid reasons, in that they all do sort of play into what happens on a sunday morning. i think God is pleased when His kids get together and worship Him… but i guess what it really comes down to is: are we doing that? if i’m not worshiping God, what am i doing?
and yes, worship is a choice. it’s a lifestyle. it’s a zillion things i don’t know anything about and a couple dozen things that i might know something about. and i’m not saying that when i do go to church on a sunday morning that i am not worshiping God. i am - i do. but it got to be so routine… i don’t know. something about the experience just lost something. and i don’t want to be one of those “felt needs” people. i don’t want to bail on church because it isn’t what i want it to be - because it isn’t about me. it’s about Him. and i believe that meeting with the whole body of Christ, and doing life with people of all generations is extremely important… but maybe that’s it. while there are grandmas and grandpas, and little babies, and everyone inbetween - i wasn’t doing life with them. i was just standing on a stage, leading them into God’s presence, and smiling and saying thank you when they told me how pretty my voice was - and i wanted more than that. i wanted them to really know me. but doing life together with people takes work and time. and who has the energy or the time for that? you can’t know everyone. you can’t do life with everyone. you’ve got to be intentional, and you’ve got to… to some degree … keep your circle smaller.
Jesus did that. He ministered to hundreds of people, sometimes in a day. And He had people He traveled with, men and women with whom He did life. 12 friends in whom He confided more deeply on a regular basis. a few of whom were His closest inner circle. and His Father, to whom He gave His life and His time, getting up early in the morning and withdrawing to quiet places.
and i guess maybe that’s part of what this whole weird zone of finding myself among the temporarily unchurched is for me - it’s a drawing away, a getting away to a quiet place. i’ve been sleeping in on sunday mornings. waking up, reading, journaling, blogging, going for walks, riding my bike, sometimes spending part of the day with a very close friend or two, and just keeping it low-key. i’ve been resting. spending time with God. thinking about being unchurched.
and realizing that i’m not. not really. i think i’d be a little more worried about this sunday morning ambivalence if i didn’t have Torch on Monday nights. but i do - and at Torch, i get to worship in community, minister and be ministered to. i get to use my gifts, and see how they complement the gifts of others. i get to spend time with my closest friends, and do life with them throughout the week. i get to sing, dance, shout, and get quiet before the Lord - and i get to be myself. there’s even a touch of the multi-generational thing, as people with kids start coming, and mentors come and invest in us. it isn’t perfect - but it’s good - very good. and it is something for which i am seriously thanking God. i know it won’t always be enough. but for today it is.
cross-posted on the most curious thingi didn’t go this morning. i haven’t been for weeks. and i feel like maybe i should feel guilty about it, but really, what i feel guilty about is not feeling guilt. i’m not sure why i’m not going, either. maybe if i knew i had some sort of latent anger or something towards the church, i could manage to feel guilty about that, deal with it as the sin it would be, and go back. but unless i am completely self-deceived, i’m not angry about anything. i’m not even all that disillusioned… i’m enough of a cynic to recognize that no place and no people, no matter how passionately they’re pursuing God, will ever get it “right.” no… if anything, i think i’m just kind of burned out.
worship. what is it? ultimately it is simply declaring God’s worth - giving Him the glory, honor, praise, etc. that He deserves. that’s why we’re supposed to go to church. to worship Him together - the various parts of the body of Christ assembled in one place. expressing unity. remembering that “oh, yes, I can’t be a Christian in isolation.” allowing others to minister to us, and in turn, ministering to them - each of us being who God made us to be with gifts that complement the gifts of others and work together to point to His wisdom, glory, omniscience - amazing-ness.
a worship service. a service. a gift offered to God’s people by those in a more formal ministry capacity, whether professional or volunteer. structured, designed carefully, to teach worship both by model and instruction. liturgy. formal or informal, every service has one - we come, someone calls us to worship through song or formal words. we sing, we pray, we recite creeds, we remember together who God is. we get quiet and listen for God to speak. (did you know this is what you’re doing when someone preaches?) we respond to His voice.
this is why we are supposed to go to church.
but why do we really go? do we go because someone will notice we’re not there, and we care too much about what they think? do we go because we’re supposed to? do we go because we don’t know what else to do? do we go because we think it will make God happy? because it’s just what you do? because it makes us feel like we’ve done something about our spiritual lives for the week, and even if we manage to sleep right through the time we told God last week we’d give him every morning for those “quiet times” (oh, yeah - it was really quiet, except for the snoring) it will make us feel a little better, because “at least i went to church”?
you know, there was a time when i would have said that if those are the reasons that got you to church, well, fine. because there’s a sense in which they really are all valid reasons, in that they all do sort of play into what happens on a sunday morning. i think God is pleased when His kids get together and worship Him… but i guess what it really comes down to is: are we doing that? if i’m not worshiping God, what am i doing?
and yes, worship is a choice. it’s a lifestyle. it’s a zillion things i don’t know anything about and a couple dozen things that i might know something about. and i’m not saying that when i do go to church on a sunday morning that i am not worshiping God. i am - i do. but it got to be so routine… i don’t know. something about the experience just lost something. and i don’t want to be one of those “felt needs” people. i don’t want to bail on church because it isn’t what i want it to be - because it isn’t about me. it’s about Him. and i believe that meeting with the whole body of Christ, and doing life with people of all generations is extremely important… but maybe that’s it. while there are grandmas and grandpas, and little babies, and everyone inbetween - i wasn’t doing life with them. i was just standing on a stage, leading them into God’s presence, and smiling and saying thank you when they told me how pretty my voice was - and i wanted more than that. i wanted them to really know me. but doing life together with people takes work and time. and who has the energy or the time for that? you can’t know everyone. you can’t do life with everyone. you’ve got to be intentional, and you’ve got to… to some degree … keep your circle smaller.
Jesus did that. He ministered to hundreds of people, sometimes in a day. And He had people He traveled with, men and women with whom He did life. 12 friends in whom He confided more deeply on a regular basis. a few of whom were His closest inner circle. and His Father, to whom He gave His life and His time, getting up early in the morning and withdrawing to quiet places.
and i guess maybe that’s part of what this whole weird zone of finding myself among the temporarily unchurched is for me - it’s a drawing away, a getting away to a quiet place. i’ve been sleeping in on sunday mornings. waking up, reading, journaling, blogging, going for walks, riding my bike, sometimes spending part of the day with a very close friend or two, and just keeping it low-key. i’ve been resting. spending time with God. thinking about being unchurched.
and realizing that i’m not. not really. i think i’d be a little more worried about this sunday morning ambivalence if i didn’t have Torch on Monday nights. but i do - and at Torch, i get to worship in community, minister and be ministered to. i get to use my gifts, and see how they complement the gifts of others. i get to spend time with my closest friends, and do life with them throughout the week. i get to sing, dance, shout, and get quiet before the Lord - and i get to be myself. there’s even a touch of the multi-generational thing, as people with kids start coming, and mentors come and invest in us. it isn’t perfect - but it’s good - very good. and it is something for which i am seriously thanking God. i know it won’t always be enough. but for today it is.
singing this love song
Day 5. I woke up later than usual in a little motel called The Welsh in Wall, South Dakota. (And no, I did not go to Wall Drug although it was right across the street. I didn't know I was supposed to. Tho its apparent fame does explain all the billboards for it on the interstate.) :P
Getting to the Welsh had been quite the journey the night before. I was exhausted, but I felt God urging me to press on closer to home that night. I wanted to stop in Wyoming, but felt He said to keep going into South Dakota. I kept driving, hearing "not yet." "5 more minutes." "1 more exit." Milestones, all of them, not destinations. Driving thru Rapid City, "See? And you said you would never make it this far." There were times when this conversation felt extremely frustrating, and at one point I was seriously questioning whether any of this was really God talking, or if I was having a conversation with my perfectionist, over-achieving self and if, really, I should have stopped hours earlier... and I drove past a billboard that said, "I am the Good Shepherd." And I had to laugh. "My sheep know my voice, Hap." So I kept driving.
"Almost there. You'll know it when you see it."
"I have no idea what I'm looking for, Lord."
"I know. Kind of fun, isn't it?"
pause. "Well, yes, actually..."
More driving. Looking for a sign (literal or metaphorical). Nothing, for a long time. And then, just as I was about to hit the proverbial wall, there were the signs. "Wall, South Dakota." Ha ha. So I stopped, and spent the night rooming in one of the coziest little motels I've ever seen. My room would have fit perfectly in any secluded retreat center, it was so peacefully and artfully decorated - I felt I'd come home.
As I was leaving in the morning, God said, "Hap, no matter what happens today, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me." okay... So, you would think that after the four days of incredible rest I had been experiencing that quiet trust would come easily. Apparently not. I started to worry... what if my car broke down in the middle of nowhere? what if I got in an accident? what if something happened to someone I cared about and I was stuck two days from home still and couldn't get to them? what if, what if, what if.... and God let me get away with that all the way to Minnesota. Even stopping at Al's (where the coffee is still 5 cents!) for lunch did not alleviate my concerns for long. (should I even be here? maybe i should have kept going...) I was second-guessing everything I did, and I was tired, and cranky, and... oh. I am so sorry, Lord. I haven't really trusted You today.
"Sometimes 'what happens' to you is emotional, too, Hap. No matter what, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me."
Got it. (Minnesota, already a beautiful state to drive through, was an even more pleasant drive after that.) :) And the first part of Wisconsin... and then I started thinking about finding a place to stop. I wanted to rest, journal, maybe take a walk somewhere and watch the sunset. I just wanted to be with God, somewhere other than my car.
And I couldn't find anywhere to stay. Every place I stopped was either sketchy, too expensive, or booked. And then I was close to the Dells and it was a Thursday night, so there was no point in stopping - and then I was past them - and then I was just a few short hours from home, so what was the point in spending that kind of money when I could just go home? So I drove through the night and got home sometime between 2 and 3 am. It was craziness. But it was also kind of fun...
And God sustained me. And at the end of that very long day, I went to sleep, praising Him for His goodness and for bringing me home.
That night I was driving through South Dakota, before I found a place to stay, when I was so exhausted but felt God urging me to keep going... He said, "Do you feel me sustaining you?" and I did. I really did... I could feel the strength and the ability to simply keep going that He was giving me. And what I think He said then is this: "I'm going to give you rest this year - more periods of longer rest than you might imagine at this point - but there will be seasons where you will have to plow a little harder, too. In those times, because you have been at rest, you will be able to run hard and be at rest internally - you will feel Me sustaining you. Even when you are very tired, remember, I will sustain you."
How could I have forgotten so quickly? And yet... the object lesson stuck with me once I realized on that last day what I'd done.
The entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself.
Years ago, one of the chaplains at Hope preached on a verse from the psalms, and I can't find it this morning, but it says, "I lie down, I sleep, I wake again; the Lord sustains me." And he talked about the connection between the two parts of that verse - the pattern of daily living and God's sustaining power in all of it... and I love that. In music when you sustain a note, you hold it out; you make it last longer... in life, when God sustains us, the sound - the chord - the melody of our lives is held - and I suspect that if we truly lived in a pattern of rest and activity, allowing the Lord to sustain us, that our lives would truly sing a love song to His heart that the world could not help but notice. It's what I want for my life, anyway. So be at rest, o my soul. Amen.
Getting to the Welsh had been quite the journey the night before. I was exhausted, but I felt God urging me to press on closer to home that night. I wanted to stop in Wyoming, but felt He said to keep going into South Dakota. I kept driving, hearing "not yet." "5 more minutes." "1 more exit." Milestones, all of them, not destinations. Driving thru Rapid City, "See? And you said you would never make it this far." There were times when this conversation felt extremely frustrating, and at one point I was seriously questioning whether any of this was really God talking, or if I was having a conversation with my perfectionist, over-achieving self and if, really, I should have stopped hours earlier... and I drove past a billboard that said, "I am the Good Shepherd." And I had to laugh. "My sheep know my voice, Hap." So I kept driving.
"Almost there. You'll know it when you see it."
"I have no idea what I'm looking for, Lord."
"I know. Kind of fun, isn't it?"
pause. "Well, yes, actually..."
More driving. Looking for a sign (literal or metaphorical). Nothing, for a long time. And then, just as I was about to hit the proverbial wall, there were the signs. "Wall, South Dakota." Ha ha. So I stopped, and spent the night rooming in one of the coziest little motels I've ever seen. My room would have fit perfectly in any secluded retreat center, it was so peacefully and artfully decorated - I felt I'd come home.
As I was leaving in the morning, God said, "Hap, no matter what happens today, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me." okay... So, you would think that after the four days of incredible rest I had been experiencing that quiet trust would come easily. Apparently not. I started to worry... what if my car broke down in the middle of nowhere? what if I got in an accident? what if something happened to someone I cared about and I was stuck two days from home still and couldn't get to them? what if, what if, what if.... and God let me get away with that all the way to Minnesota. Even stopping at Al's (where the coffee is still 5 cents!) for lunch did not alleviate my concerns for long. (should I even be here? maybe i should have kept going...) I was second-guessing everything I did, and I was tired, and cranky, and... oh. I am so sorry, Lord. I haven't really trusted You today.
"Sometimes 'what happens' to you is emotional, too, Hap. No matter what, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me."
Got it. (Minnesota, already a beautiful state to drive through, was an even more pleasant drive after that.) :) And the first part of Wisconsin... and then I started thinking about finding a place to stop. I wanted to rest, journal, maybe take a walk somewhere and watch the sunset. I just wanted to be with God, somewhere other than my car.
And I couldn't find anywhere to stay. Every place I stopped was either sketchy, too expensive, or booked. And then I was close to the Dells and it was a Thursday night, so there was no point in stopping - and then I was past them - and then I was just a few short hours from home, so what was the point in spending that kind of money when I could just go home? So I drove through the night and got home sometime between 2 and 3 am. It was craziness. But it was also kind of fun...
And God sustained me. And at the end of that very long day, I went to sleep, praising Him for His goodness and for bringing me home.
That night I was driving through South Dakota, before I found a place to stay, when I was so exhausted but felt God urging me to keep going... He said, "Do you feel me sustaining you?" and I did. I really did... I could feel the strength and the ability to simply keep going that He was giving me. And what I think He said then is this: "I'm going to give you rest this year - more periods of longer rest than you might imagine at this point - but there will be seasons where you will have to plow a little harder, too. In those times, because you have been at rest, you will be able to run hard and be at rest internally - you will feel Me sustaining you. Even when you are very tired, remember, I will sustain you."
How could I have forgotten so quickly? And yet... the object lesson stuck with me once I realized on that last day what I'd done.
The entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself.
Years ago, one of the chaplains at Hope preached on a verse from the psalms, and I can't find it this morning, but it says, "I lie down, I sleep, I wake again; the Lord sustains me." And he talked about the connection between the two parts of that verse - the pattern of daily living and God's sustaining power in all of it... and I love that. In music when you sustain a note, you hold it out; you make it last longer... in life, when God sustains us, the sound - the chord - the melody of our lives is held - and I suspect that if we truly lived in a pattern of rest and activity, allowing the Lord to sustain us, that our lives would truly sing a love song to His heart that the world could not help but notice. It's what I want for my life, anyway. So be at rest, o my soul. Amen.
rainbows and promises
I left the waterfall completely at peace. It had, thus far, been a good trip - not without its less fortunate moments (lol...) but good. I was ready to go home.
One of the things that completely blows me away about God is the incredible vastness of His creativity. The landscapes for a majority of this trip were absolutely breathtaking. There were actually times when I simply felt exhausted (particularly in Yellowstone) by the beauty that surrounded me - I was completely overwhelmed by it, and couldn't take in anything else. (This may have had something to do with the altitude too, but I don't really think so.) ;)
The drive back through Montana was just as lovely as it had been on the way to the Park. And then there was Wyoming (I took a different route home). Do you know, the phrase "rolling hills"? I get that now. There really doesn't seem to be a better way to describe it. And the big sky of Montana (they were so not kidding about that!) follows you a good way through Wyoming. It was so incredibly, achingly beautiful. I could totally live there - if it weren't for the snakes...
I drove into a rainstorm in Wyoming, and the cool thing about that was that I could see it raining up ahead for miles before I ever actually got there. And behind me, the sun was just starting to go down. Perfect rainbow conditions, wouldn't you say? The same sort of thing had happened in Montana on the way out - I actually, there, drove under the corner of a storm system - it was so cool - blue skies all around it - which I guess is true of any storm really, but how often do you get to see that from the ground? (The rainbow pictured above is actually the one I saw there.)
I was praying, at that point of the trip, about a situation back home that had been bugging me a fair bit (okay, truthfully, I was imagining what I would say to someone whom I knew would ask me about it when I got home, realized what I was doing (having a conversation with someone who was not there) and turned it to prayer), and I felt like God was saying, "Hap, it's going to be okay about - (the situation)" and my response to that was, "okay, I trust You," and then I looked out the window and there was a rainbow in the skies, and I thought, wow, that was cool timing; thanks, God!
And then I kept thinking about the situation... about how much what so-and-so had said had really hurt, etc. - and I started to get upset about it - and it started to rain. Remember back when I was working on that (still unfinished song) for the widow of Zarephath? That whole concept of asking God to send the rain has really stuck with me - I was talking with a friend about the widow's story months ago, and my friend observed that God had provided for this woman so faithfully on a day-to-day basis, but that what she really needed was the rain - and that tension between knowing that what you have is enough for today but still waiting for something else really resonated with me - and for this situation, I started asking God to send His rain - at least metaphorically - but you wouldn't believe how often it's rained at significant moments over the past two months. Maybe it's all coincidence. Maybe it's not. At any rate, this moment really didn't feel like coincidence.
I looked over at the rainbow, and it was now a double rainbow. And in case I hadn't gotten the point - the highway turned just then, and I could see both sides of the double rainbow. It was amazing. I don't know what "it'll be okay" looks like in terms of practical reality - but I believe it. :)
waterfalls and romance
Somehow on the morning of Day 4, tho there are very few intersections (and very few roads) in Yellowstone National Park, I managed to get on the wrong road. (Those of you who know me personally and know how par for the course this is may stop snickering now.) I'd suspected that such was the case for awhile, as I was not seeing signs for things for which I expected to see signs... so I finally pulled over, and looked at the map. At that point, it would have taken me a really long time to get down to Lewis Lake for the quiet morning I'd planned to spend there. So I sat in my car and debated... looked at the map again, saw there were a few waterfalls ahead eventually, and decided that one of them would do. This turned out to be an excellent decision, as one of the best moments of the trip was right up that road.This is Undine Falls. I'm not sure when I've been in a more perfect moment than the time I spent by the falls. The roar of the water, the cool mountain breeze, the birdsong, the sunshine - and a trail to hike. I took it, of course, and soon came to a "crossroads" of sorts... the trail continued on the other side of a fallen tree I could have climbed over; it also looped back to the overlook around a rock. I chose that rock as my meeting place with God, and took a seat. Spent a while just soaking it in. Read the story of Joash and Jehoiada (2 Chronicles 24). Thought about it. Prayed. Rested. Became - as Madeleine L'Engle would say - simply my ontological self. Picked up the book I'd started the night before: Walking With God, by John Eldredge. It was perfect timing.
As I was sitting on that rock, any number of people came past - most either walked around behind the rock or continued on over the tree and down the trail. But for whatever reason, two people, at one point, actually came and walked around in front of me. (The trail there was narrower, sloped, closer to the edge of the ravine and uneven footing, but I will grant you, the view was a little better.) They were an older couple - probably in their mid-late '60s - he was still fairly spry, but she was having a little difficulty managing this part of the trail. He stopped a few feet away from me to wait for her, watching the falls, then noticed she needed help. She handed him their camera, and then he reached out for her - and there was just something in the way their hands met, and the way he helped her up that last bit of the trail - I felt I had just witnessed an incredibly holy moment - and the coolest part of it was that I didn't feel like an intruder. This was something I was meant to see. They stood there for a minute, admiring the view, and then continued up the trail. And I... I simply sat there. And wept. Just for a minute. Because it was such a beautiful thing to have seen, in this beautiful, perfect moment.
And because there was something about that moment that touched a chord deep in my heart... the same chord that was struck weeks ago, as I was walking through a local park, and saw an old man pushing his wife through the park in her wheelchair... the same chord that was resonating when I wrote Sparks...
I went back to my book. Read some things on p. 36-37 that (totally out of context) spoke to my heart in that moment. And then the breeze kicked up a bit... and I just knew. God had heard that chord.
And, in fact, He's the One who played it...
tricyles and broken nails
We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for something I found rather interesting and fun... (don't worry, I'll get back to the trip soon - Day 4 was the highlight, in my book!) :) But this was just too good not to blog about.
So I had one of those nights last night - you know, the kind where you make yourself go to bed because it's late, and you ought to... and then you just lay there. Blinking. Wishing you were asleep. Thinking about all the things you could be doing that would be more productive than laying here in the dark thinking about all things you could be doing and blinking, wishing you were asleep. And then two hours later you wake up, realize you were asleep, and then lay there some more, wishing you were still asleep... I did eventually fall back asleep, and just before I woke up (1/2 an hour before my alarm?!?! after a night like that? oy. and oh, yes, there's already coffee, here at my kitchen table at 5:17am.... that time stamp down there is not kidding - I really did get up at 5:00am today) I had the coolest dream.
There was this conference - I think it was on different aspects of worship, maybe? Not sure - but my friend Cheryl was scheduled to be one of the conference speakers - Jenn, too. Neither one of them had the least idea what they were going to speaking on, and pretty much figured it out on the fly. Jenn, I am pretty sure, spoke on sacred dance or something. Cheryl taught on the practical technical dimensions of pulling off a Sunday morning service. The conference was held in an outdoor amphitheater, and there were a lot of people there, all of whom played various roles in the church.
Following the conference, there was a retreat of some sort at this small, out-of-the-way, relatively obscure little church with an outdated building (you know the kind - the ones that were constructed in the early 70s and never remodeled... this one had a craft room that doubled as storage closet, and to put anything away you had to interrupt the kids working on their projects and fold up the tables to get into the room...). Cheryl was speaking at this retreat too, and she was closing her session with worship. Sometime before the session, she taught me the chords to this new song she wanted to teach. She was really excited about teaching it, and she played piano and I played guitar - except I was borrowing someone else's guitar - one that belonged to the church - and the strings were all rusty and not tight enough, and it wouldn't stay in tune, and I was so afraid that a string would break and hit me in the face - which is bad enough, but with all the rust, it would've been worse. Someone offered to loan me their guitar, but the wood and the strings were totally warped and it wasn't any good either. So I'm telling Cheryl that I need to go get my own guitar, and she's all confused about why that would take any time the way I'm explaining that it will - because mine has been sitting there, the whole time, completely in tune and ready to play. I felt a little foolish, and excused myself anyway, and told her I'd be back in a few.
Well, as dreams go, I'm not sure where I went, but the next thing I remember is running late and trying to get back to the conference before the session starts, because I know Cheryl's probably internally freaking out about me not being there yet - but I'm driving along, and these two cars whip out around me, one on the left and one on the right, and then they stop, right in the middle of the road, and these two high-school-aged boys that were driving get out, and I'm not even sure what they were doing, but I went around them, and I was like, yo, next time could you maybe just pull over? And I kept going, but now, instead of being in my car, I was riding a tricycle, and I was way late, now. And I tried running down the sidewalk without the tricycle, but I had all this stuff, including my guitar, and it wasn't any faster, and I didn't want to just leave the tricycle there in the middle of the sidewalk, so I tried scooting along - you know, when you grab the handlebars and push off with one foot while you're standing on that otherwise purposeless step on the back - and then my sister came along and I think she might have actually taken the tricycle, and tried to get me to go faster because the session was starting - and she rode right through a newly constructed section of sidewalk. (I think there may have been someone else along at this point in the dream, but I can't remember who, or when or why they got there.)
It wasn't just any old sidewalk either - on the sides it was regular cement, but in the center it was all these large square red brick-like tiles - very precise - someone had spent a lot of time making this look nice, and it was all still wet cement. And now there was this three-wheeled track driving crazy through the whole thing... The woman who was laying the sidewalk was down in a ditch at the side of it, and she started to yell, then took a deep breath, and said, "no, hon, it's alright. i can fix it," and waved my sister on. But she kept talking under her breath, and said something that caught my attention - something about dead-end jobs and leaving them - and I asked her about it, if what she'd just said was true of her -and she ended up telling me her story - how she'd been doing this job for years but felt so stuck in it, and had finally just taken the risk and quit - and how she didn't have a clue what she was going to do now. She didn't have a plan. She'd just quit. And I spoke into her life, and told her that she was going to be okay, and that God would take of her, and that He was proud of her for setting off on a road that would be freer and would help her to find who she was always meant to be. And she climbed out of the ditch, and we hugged (her name was Pam) and it was such a cool appointment with destiny, you know? Like I was just supposed to be there. So she starts asking me about myself, where I was going, etc. and someone comes flying out of the church to tell me that the worship part of the session is starting and they need me now.
So I go dashing into the multi-purpose room to discover that it is a very small retreat - less than 20 people on folding chairs gathered around one end of the room where Cheryl is standing at her keyboard playing the new song, and I drop all my stuff on the floor (at a perfectly quiet moment in the song, so everyone heard it, but hey, at least it was on the beat, right?) and Jake's there and looks at me funny, like, "where have you been? this is so not like you?" and I'm looking around and most of the people there are from his dad's church. I just sort of grin, fix my guitar strap, plug in, and step up to the mic - we're at the chorus - and the room just erupts in worship - and I discover that not only are my fingernails too long to hit the strings properly, but one of them is all torn up and keeps getting snagged on the strings. I make it about half-way through the song and finally just give up. There's no way I can keep playing. And then the music transitions into "Come, Now Is The Time To Worship" - and that song talks about coming just as you are to worship... (completely late, frazzled, unprepared, and with broken nails?!), so I did - and as I woke up, I said, "Okay..." :) So here I am for the day, God, just as I am, to worship...
That was a crazy dream... and it feels (again) like there are dimensions that are probably just stuff from life - but others that might be God trying to tell me something... Time will tell, I guess. :)
So I had one of those nights last night - you know, the kind where you make yourself go to bed because it's late, and you ought to... and then you just lay there. Blinking. Wishing you were asleep. Thinking about all the things you could be doing that would be more productive than laying here in the dark thinking about all things you could be doing and blinking, wishing you were asleep. And then two hours later you wake up, realize you were asleep, and then lay there some more, wishing you were still asleep... I did eventually fall back asleep, and just before I woke up (1/2 an hour before my alarm?!?! after a night like that? oy. and oh, yes, there's already coffee, here at my kitchen table at 5:17am.... that time stamp down there is not kidding - I really did get up at 5:00am today) I had the coolest dream.
There was this conference - I think it was on different aspects of worship, maybe? Not sure - but my friend Cheryl was scheduled to be one of the conference speakers - Jenn, too. Neither one of them had the least idea what they were going to speaking on, and pretty much figured it out on the fly. Jenn, I am pretty sure, spoke on sacred dance or something. Cheryl taught on the practical technical dimensions of pulling off a Sunday morning service. The conference was held in an outdoor amphitheater, and there were a lot of people there, all of whom played various roles in the church.
Following the conference, there was a retreat of some sort at this small, out-of-the-way, relatively obscure little church with an outdated building (you know the kind - the ones that were constructed in the early 70s and never remodeled... this one had a craft room that doubled as storage closet, and to put anything away you had to interrupt the kids working on their projects and fold up the tables to get into the room...). Cheryl was speaking at this retreat too, and she was closing her session with worship. Sometime before the session, she taught me the chords to this new song she wanted to teach. She was really excited about teaching it, and she played piano and I played guitar - except I was borrowing someone else's guitar - one that belonged to the church - and the strings were all rusty and not tight enough, and it wouldn't stay in tune, and I was so afraid that a string would break and hit me in the face - which is bad enough, but with all the rust, it would've been worse. Someone offered to loan me their guitar, but the wood and the strings were totally warped and it wasn't any good either. So I'm telling Cheryl that I need to go get my own guitar, and she's all confused about why that would take any time the way I'm explaining that it will - because mine has been sitting there, the whole time, completely in tune and ready to play. I felt a little foolish, and excused myself anyway, and told her I'd be back in a few.
Well, as dreams go, I'm not sure where I went, but the next thing I remember is running late and trying to get back to the conference before the session starts, because I know Cheryl's probably internally freaking out about me not being there yet - but I'm driving along, and these two cars whip out around me, one on the left and one on the right, and then they stop, right in the middle of the road, and these two high-school-aged boys that were driving get out, and I'm not even sure what they were doing, but I went around them, and I was like, yo, next time could you maybe just pull over? And I kept going, but now, instead of being in my car, I was riding a tricycle, and I was way late, now. And I tried running down the sidewalk without the tricycle, but I had all this stuff, including my guitar, and it wasn't any faster, and I didn't want to just leave the tricycle there in the middle of the sidewalk, so I tried scooting along - you know, when you grab the handlebars and push off with one foot while you're standing on that otherwise purposeless step on the back - and then my sister came along and I think she might have actually taken the tricycle, and tried to get me to go faster because the session was starting - and she rode right through a newly constructed section of sidewalk. (I think there may have been someone else along at this point in the dream, but I can't remember who, or when or why they got there.)
It wasn't just any old sidewalk either - on the sides it was regular cement, but in the center it was all these large square red brick-like tiles - very precise - someone had spent a lot of time making this look nice, and it was all still wet cement. And now there was this three-wheeled track driving crazy through the whole thing... The woman who was laying the sidewalk was down in a ditch at the side of it, and she started to yell, then took a deep breath, and said, "no, hon, it's alright. i can fix it," and waved my sister on. But she kept talking under her breath, and said something that caught my attention - something about dead-end jobs and leaving them - and I asked her about it, if what she'd just said was true of her -and she ended up telling me her story - how she'd been doing this job for years but felt so stuck in it, and had finally just taken the risk and quit - and how she didn't have a clue what she was going to do now. She didn't have a plan. She'd just quit. And I spoke into her life, and told her that she was going to be okay, and that God would take of her, and that He was proud of her for setting off on a road that would be freer and would help her to find who she was always meant to be. And she climbed out of the ditch, and we hugged (her name was Pam) and it was such a cool appointment with destiny, you know? Like I was just supposed to be there. So she starts asking me about myself, where I was going, etc. and someone comes flying out of the church to tell me that the worship part of the session is starting and they need me now.
So I go dashing into the multi-purpose room to discover that it is a very small retreat - less than 20 people on folding chairs gathered around one end of the room where Cheryl is standing at her keyboard playing the new song, and I drop all my stuff on the floor (at a perfectly quiet moment in the song, so everyone heard it, but hey, at least it was on the beat, right?) and Jake's there and looks at me funny, like, "where have you been? this is so not like you?" and I'm looking around and most of the people there are from his dad's church. I just sort of grin, fix my guitar strap, plug in, and step up to the mic - we're at the chorus - and the room just erupts in worship - and I discover that not only are my fingernails too long to hit the strings properly, but one of them is all torn up and keeps getting snagged on the strings. I make it about half-way through the song and finally just give up. There's no way I can keep playing. And then the music transitions into "Come, Now Is The Time To Worship" - and that song talks about coming just as you are to worship... (completely late, frazzled, unprepared, and with broken nails?!), so I did - and as I woke up, I said, "Okay..." :) So here I am for the day, God, just as I am, to worship...
That was a crazy dream... and it feels (again) like there are dimensions that are probably just stuff from life - but others that might be God trying to tell me something... Time will tell, I guess. :)
finding a home, part the second
It was mid-afternoon when I left the Norris Geyser basin and hit the road again. I drove past Old Faithful - thought about stopping to see it, and decided that it was more important to find a place to stay first; I could always come back. This was before I realized how long I'd be in the car looking for a place to stay...
The thing about Yellowstone is that it's about 40 miles between every major intersection - lots of really cool sights along the road on both sides, mind you - and the speed limit is understandably fairly mild (in comparison to the highways in the surrounding states!) - so it took awhile to get where I was going... When I first looked at the map, and prayed, asking God where I should stay, I felt a pull toward Lewis Lake... so I headed there.
It was worth the drive. Isn't this beautiful?! I could've stayed here for hours, and I would have given a lot to sit on this shore and watch the sun go down - or come up. :) There was just one small problem with my grand plan to camp by this lake...
Several feet of snow.
Yep. Middle of June, and the campground was completely snowed under. Time for Plan B... (God, I thought You said something about this lake? Did I miss something? I mean, it's beautiful, and I want to come back here tomorrow, but oh my goodness... I really thought... wow. Now what?) So I looked at the map, and started driving to the nearest campsite... which was over half an hour away... and it was late afternoon already.
Stop #1 - the campground at Grant Village. "I'm sorry, we're full. And I know all the hotels and lodges in the entire park are booked for tonight. But check with lodging... they should be able to tell you if there's been any cancellations or if there's a site somewhere open..." All day long, I thought I knew where I was going; I thought God said He had this. What was I going to do?!
The thing about Yellowstone is that it's about 40 miles between every major intersection - lots of really cool sights along the road on both sides, mind you - and the speed limit is understandably fairly mild (in comparison to the highways in the surrounding states!) - so it took awhile to get where I was going... When I first looked at the map, and prayed, asking God where I should stay, I felt a pull toward Lewis Lake... so I headed there.
It was worth the drive. Isn't this beautiful?! I could've stayed here for hours, and I would have given a lot to sit on this shore and watch the sun go down - or come up. :) There was just one small problem with my grand plan to camp by this lake...
Several feet of snow.
Yep. Middle of June, and the campground was completely snowed under. Time for Plan B... (God, I thought You said something about this lake? Did I miss something? I mean, it's beautiful, and I want to come back here tomorrow, but oh my goodness... I really thought... wow. Now what?) So I looked at the map, and started driving to the nearest campsite... which was over half an hour away... and it was late afternoon already.
Stop #1 - the campground at Grant Village. "I'm sorry, we're full. And I know all the hotels and lodges in the entire park are booked for tonight. But check with lodging... they should be able to tell you if there's been any cancellations or if there's a site somewhere open..." All day long, I thought I knew where I was going; I thought God said He had this. What was I going to do?!
Stop #2 - Lodging. "Nope, we're full, but we can make some phone calls and see if anybody's got anything. Don't try here, or here... or here, they're full... what about? no, they're full, too. Ah, excellent - there's three sites left in Canyon. But they said you'd have to call and make a reservation." They call the central desk which may possibly be in Texas... they can't get thru. "We'll try again in a few." They look for other numbers. They are very helpful, but not overly efficient - of course, it's the end of the day, and they have beds to go home to... and I have an attitude. What is wrong with me? Get a grip, Hap. God said He had this. "Ah, we're thru -- aaaannd, we're on hold." More people come around. "Still nothing? Hm. Well, look on this map. See here, just outside the park? You could camp here for free. I mean, you'd have to dig a pit toilet, and there's no lights or anything - it's just a field. And there's probably a lot of bears about, but at least it's someplace..."
(This is my first camping experience on my own. I'd rather not be eaten by a bear. That would sort of suck. Kind of like getting trampled by a bison. "What did you do on your summer vacation?" "Um...." yeah... I think I'd like to stay in the Park.)
"Well, what about over here?" the same girl helpfully suggests. "I've never seen bears over there. Same thing - no toilets, just a field - it's not a campground or anything, but there's no sign that says you can't camp there, so I'm sure it would be fine. And if you're scared of bears, that's the end of the park to head for. I've not seen very many over there, just a lot of moose..."
At which point, someone else looks at her, and says, "Will you shut up? You're scaring her!"
And I start to hyperventilate.
I'm not kidding, I actually at that point in time started to have a panic attack. I haven't had one that bad in over a year - and I've never had them often or anything - but in high stress situations they can happen, and it happened then. The room started to close in, and I could barely breathe, much less stand up, and I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or throw up. So I said, "excuse me, I need to sit down!" and concentrated on breathing and prayed hard for the grace to get thru this, and asked God to please help. "I need to go sleep, God. I'm exhausted."
And He came through. I got a reservation - at that point, probably the last site in the park, and drove the 40 minutes up to Canyon Campground. Checked in, signed the disclaimer about the bears.
me (to the elderly gentleman who checked me in): "Um... really? there's bears?"
the man: "Nah. I mean we saw a lot of them a week ago, but now that there's people around all the time, they don't really bother you all that much."
me: (heaving a sigh of relief and speaking without thinking) "oh good. because this is the first time i've ever camped by myself and that would really suck."
the man: (blinks in surprise, grins) "yeah. that would suck."
So he explained in great detail about how to minimize the chances of a bear visiting you. And I drove to my campsite. I pulled into the parking space and just sat there, looking at it. Yep. This is it. "You have got to be kidding." I think I actually said that out loud...
This isn't even all the snow...
I had two options. I could set up my tent over there and tromp thru a snow drift (in which, when I did tromp through it, I sank in up to my knee - and I was wearing shorts. It was cold...) to get out and to the road. (I was fortuitously very close to the rest rooms.) Or I could set up in the just enough space between snow banks at the very edge of the campsite. Close to the road (less likely to be pestered by bears, i hoped). It was rather scrunched - but the firepit was too wet to build a fire in anyway, and i wasn't going to eat at the table... so I got to work. And a very nice man from Minnesota named Scott watched me with a bit of amusement and then came over to help me set up my tent. "Are you sure you want it here?" "Yep." And I explained about the bears. "Well, if they bother you, we're right over there." "Oh, don't worry. You'll hear me!"
So, this is the view from the front door of my tent. That, right there, all that water - we nicknamed that "the little Yellowstone River." "You can tell all your friends you survived bears and camped by a river," said Scott. "And a bison," I added.
That night, I crawled into my tent around 8:00 or so, completely exhausted - and faced my faithlessness. "I told you I had it." "I know, Lord. I should have trusted You. Um. It's going to be 28 degrees tonight." "You'll be fine." "Ok..."
And I met with God. I read the Word, I journalled a bit, I started a book that I think may literally be life-changing... and for a couple of hours that soggy little patch of ground became incredibly holy. And I was home.
finding a home, part the first
Day 3. I looked at the atlas that morning, and I thought, okay. I can spend another 6-8 hours in the car and drive all the way from Billings to Glacier, have a day there, and a three-day drive back... OR I can drive 4-5 hours from here to Yellowstone and have 2 days there, and only 2.5 days to drive back.... hm. God, would it be alright? And what I felt from the Lord in that moment was pretty much something along the lines of, "Hap, I don't really care where we are. This is about you and me being together. Yellowstone is fine. Let's go."
So I went to Yellowstone National Park. I took the interstate a ways across Montana, stopped in the last "big" town for gas and coffee just in case - and hit the back roads towards Yellowstone. The drive in was stunning -I got stopped for construction but actually enjoyed it, as I was in a pretty spot overlooking a river that you could actually hear if you listened over the construction noises. And there were any number of what you could actually call "vistas" and not be the slightest bit cheesy... And then there was the Park itself.
Lol... the first thing I noticed is that there are an extraordinary number of bison in Yellowstone National Park. It actually became laughable by the end of the trip, how many completely unconcerned bison there are in the world...I stopped and hiked the Norris Geyser basin. That was fun. It was so good to be out of the car!!! Unfortunately not all my pictures turned out very well... but there are a few things I remember distinctly from that bit of my trip:
1) a jackrabbit (it was enormous) bounding thru the brush on the side of the trail that totally freaked me out (because i was alone and because of the bison and the new possibility that it might (because of my current location) be a bear... ("ooo, see the bunnies" has new connotations now...lol)
2) wildflowers growing at the edges of extremely hot pools of water - what incredible tenacity in the midst of such barrenness! (i want to be like that... which, oddly enough, reminds me of one of my favorite songs, and when i went just now to read the lyrics, they totally floored me... but... well, that's a whole different post someday, i think!)
3) what happened at the Steamboat geyser...
and someday, it will all be made new... someday, we'll be home - and we'll live on the earth as it was always meant to be... i wonder what it will really be like...
Jon Birch has a post up that sparked some conversation on this very subject...
listening for God (or how to outrun a bison)
So the second day was a looooong drive. I spent a good portion of the day in North Dakota, and learned a couple of things:
1) it is very important (judging from the number of billboards i saw proclaiming such) to "stop aquatic hitchhikers." (?!?!)
2) North Dakota is home to the largest metal sculpture in America. (I did not stop to see it.)
I did, however, after driving for hours, get off at Exit 1, because there was a sign for a rest stop with a scenic overlook, and yesterday's had been so amazing. So I took the exit ramp, and turned at the end of it - directly into Theodore Roosevelt National Park! (who knew?) ok, maybe if I'd been looking at the atlas, i wouldn't have been quite so surprised. :)
The view was absolutely incredible. The colors, the play of light and shadow - it was breathtaking. Maybe even more so because I hadn't expected to see it - I had no clue that I would turn a corner to a view like that...
1) it is very important (judging from the number of billboards i saw proclaiming such) to "stop aquatic hitchhikers." (?!?!)
2) North Dakota is home to the largest metal sculpture in America. (I did not stop to see it.)
I did, however, after driving for hours, get off at Exit 1, because there was a sign for a rest stop with a scenic overlook, and yesterday's had been so amazing. So I took the exit ramp, and turned at the end of it - directly into Theodore Roosevelt National Park! (who knew?) ok, maybe if I'd been looking at the atlas, i wouldn't have been quite so surprised. :)
The view was absolutely incredible. The colors, the play of light and shadow - it was breathtaking. Maybe even more so because I hadn't expected to see it - I had no clue that I would turn a corner to a view like that...I spent a good half hour just wandering, looking out over the Painted Canyon, taking pictures, listening to a ranger talk about the canyon with a group of tourists. And then I found a trail. I'd been in the car for two days. Who wouldn't go exploring in a place like this?
I will say this: there was a sign. It said all the usual things about drinking enough water and wearing proper footwear. It also said that bison are dangerous and that one ought to keep one's distance, and to never approach wildlife, even if it appears friendly.
I looked at the trail, and I looked at my tevas (the flip flop variety). I thought, "that doesn't look very difficult, and well - I can always come back for my hiking boots if it's too tricky." I wasn't thirsty, and the trail sign said it was only a mile loop trail. I'd be fine without water for a mile. So off I went. Enjoying the scenery, the sudden absence of tourists (no one else seemed to want to take the trail), snapping pictures of canyon flora... I heard someone at the top of the trail call to what I assumed was his family, "Hey! There's a buffalo down there at the end of the trail." Oh cool, I thought. God, it would be really cool to see a bison out here in the wild. I kept hiking through the bushes, and then the trail split. One way led back into the brush. The other led out onto a flat ridge and then down into the canyon a bit further. I opted for wide open spaces.
The view from that ledge was amazing, and I stood there for a minute, enjoying the sunshine and the beauty of God's creation, noticing the interesting hoof-shaped tracks in the dirt, and thought, wow, that's odd. i thought that sign said "no horses..."
The view from that ledge was amazing, and I stood there for a minute, enjoying the sunshine and the beauty of God's creation, noticing the interesting hoof-shaped tracks in the dirt, and thought, wow, that's odd. i thought that sign said "no horses..."And then the Holy Spirit said something to the effect of, "Hap, turn around and go back. NOW." And I felt this odd sort of panic - not fear-driven, just a very strong internal insistence that I should turn around and go back. So I did, and I'm doing my usual internal questioning routine, "ok, was that really God, or did I just panic because I was out on this ledge on my own, and I'm a dork?" And I was about to arrive at the conclusion that I'm a dork (which is entirely possible) when I looked up, and I kid you not, probably less than 30 yards away, was a bison. I'm not sure which one of us was more surprised - it, or me - but it certainly noticed my existence, and started trotting my way.
I'm not sure I have ever run so fast in my life. I literally sprinted up the canyon wall. I did, however, stop once - ostensibly to see if it was still following me (it was) and to take its picture. (I'd never seen a bison outside of a zoo, and I had no idea I'd see about 2 dozen more the next day. Plus I knew I would need one to properly illustrate this story.) So here you are:
BISON IN PICTURE IS CLOSER THAN HE APPEARS...
one thing i ask
"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple." - Psalm 27:4
I left home last Sunday with my Bible, a journal, a sleeping bag, a tent, a suitcase, a bunch of non-perishable groceries, and an atlas. Plus the usual number of books I would not actually read. (You would think I would learn from these experiences, but no... you see, I might have time to read that one, and I need this one, just in case... etc. You never know...)
Milwaukee was the first minor adventure of the trip - as a person with no internal sense of direction (as in, if you say words like "north" and "east," my brain freezes up and I just get stupid for a second), I was less than thrilled when the signs saying things like "interstate closed ahead" and "detour" began appearing. But somehow I managed to actually follow the signs and ended up, having driven through several small Wisconsin towns that I may otherwise have never seen, back on the interstate. Kept driving for a bit, and eventually, around dinnertime, pulled off at a rest stop somewhere in the Black Hills of Wisconsin that promised a "scenic overlook." (Sidenote: If you are driving along and see a sign that says "scenic overlook," I would highly recommend pulling over and checking it out. Unless, perhaps, you are in South Dakota...)
The rest stop itself was fairly nice, and I found a picnic table in the sun and had dinner. Then I wandered off towards the part of the little park that I thought might be the overlook (as it wasn't really evident at first glance what one was supposed to be looking over). What I found was a trail, and it led up through the woods for quite a ways. I thought a couple of times about turning around and going back, but I pressed on and finally, after a bit, I came around a corner and found this lovely little spot.
This deck became, for a few moments, incredibly holy ground. I sat on the bench at the far end of the platform, and just looked at the beauty of the hills for awhile - then got out my Bible and began to read. I read Psalm 27 out loud. Have you ever done that? Just read the Word out loud when you're all by yourself? There's just something about saying the words aloud, out in the middle of nowhere - I don't know how to explain what happened, other to say that this psalm, which has been a theme psalm for me for months now anyway, became a very personal prayer for the whole trip in that moment. I genuinely prayed the words of this song up there in the hills, telling God how much I wanted to be in His presence and to be aware that I was... asking Him to make a straight path for me as I traveled, to guide me in where to go and what to do... and as I prayed, this verse jumped out at me: "My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek." (Psalm 27:8) "God, I'm seeking You."
And His answer: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (v. 14). So many things I am waiting on Him for - but it is not a sitting around, doing nothing, sort of waiting - even when it looks (and sometimes feels) for all the world like it is... For these 5 days anyway, waiting on the Lord involved driving - and driving, and driving, and... - and seeking Him out. Letting go of my agenda, my plan, my idea of what the road should even be. Taking each moment as it came. Waiting to see what happened in the course of a day. And smiling.
I was struck so often, over the course of this trip, by a sudden realization that I was smiling. Just driving along. Grinning. I was happy. And I was aware that I was happy.
I'm not 100% sure why this surprised me, but it did. In a nice sort of way. The peace and ... quietness ... that filled my heart, especially over the first couple of days, was so needed, and so welcome. I actually succeeded in driving along, being happy, and not really thinking about much of anything. It was heavenly. Kind of like this view from that bench. :)
I left home last Sunday with my Bible, a journal, a sleeping bag, a tent, a suitcase, a bunch of non-perishable groceries, and an atlas. Plus the usual number of books I would not actually read. (You would think I would learn from these experiences, but no... you see, I might have time to read that one, and I need this one, just in case... etc. You never know...)
Milwaukee was the first minor adventure of the trip - as a person with no internal sense of direction (as in, if you say words like "north" and "east," my brain freezes up and I just get stupid for a second), I was less than thrilled when the signs saying things like "interstate closed ahead" and "detour" began appearing. But somehow I managed to actually follow the signs and ended up, having driven through several small Wisconsin towns that I may otherwise have never seen, back on the interstate. Kept driving for a bit, and eventually, around dinnertime, pulled off at a rest stop somewhere in the Black Hills of Wisconsin that promised a "scenic overlook." (Sidenote: If you are driving along and see a sign that says "scenic overlook," I would highly recommend pulling over and checking it out. Unless, perhaps, you are in South Dakota...)
The rest stop itself was fairly nice, and I found a picnic table in the sun and had dinner. Then I wandered off towards the part of the little park that I thought might be the overlook (as it wasn't really evident at first glance what one was supposed to be looking over). What I found was a trail, and it led up through the woods for quite a ways. I thought a couple of times about turning around and going back, but I pressed on and finally, after a bit, I came around a corner and found this lovely little spot.
This deck became, for a few moments, incredibly holy ground. I sat on the bench at the far end of the platform, and just looked at the beauty of the hills for awhile - then got out my Bible and began to read. I read Psalm 27 out loud. Have you ever done that? Just read the Word out loud when you're all by yourself? There's just something about saying the words aloud, out in the middle of nowhere - I don't know how to explain what happened, other to say that this psalm, which has been a theme psalm for me for months now anyway, became a very personal prayer for the whole trip in that moment. I genuinely prayed the words of this song up there in the hills, telling God how much I wanted to be in His presence and to be aware that I was... asking Him to make a straight path for me as I traveled, to guide me in where to go and what to do... and as I prayed, this verse jumped out at me: "My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek." (Psalm 27:8) "God, I'm seeking You."
And His answer: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (v. 14). So many things I am waiting on Him for - but it is not a sitting around, doing nothing, sort of waiting - even when it looks (and sometimes feels) for all the world like it is... For these 5 days anyway, waiting on the Lord involved driving - and driving, and driving, and... - and seeking Him out. Letting go of my agenda, my plan, my idea of what the road should even be. Taking each moment as it came. Waiting to see what happened in the course of a day. And smiling.
I was struck so often, over the course of this trip, by a sudden realization that I was smiling. Just driving along. Grinning. I was happy. And I was aware that I was happy.
I'm not 100% sure why this surprised me, but it did. In a nice sort of way. The peace and ... quietness ... that filled my heart, especially over the first couple of days, was so needed, and so welcome. I actually succeeded in driving along, being happy, and not really thinking about much of anything. It was heavenly. Kind of like this view from that bench. :)
the smallest confession
HT: xkcdit's true.... a good deal of the way home, i thought, "wow, i can't wait to get home and write about this..." and then i'd start thinking about how i would phrase things.... lol.
it was an amazing trip, my friends. and oh, do i have some stories to tell!!! stay tuned. and thanks for your prayers along the way. God spoke so clearly in so many ways. i'm really looking forward to telling you about it. after i get my pictures back - because the second story... you might have to see it to believe it. :)
Destination: God Knows Where
I've been gone most of this week to Willow Creek for their annual Arts Conference, and it was an incredible week. Had the opportunity to catch up with some really good old friends, worship with a room full of other artists, and hear some amazingly gifted speakers. God met me in every single session I attended, and it was so sweet.... I'll have more to say later - still processing a lot of it.
One of the "quote of the week" moments tho, came from Richard Allen Farmer, in one of the main sessions. He was giving us a "tour of the artist's brain" - and he said, "That fog in your head? Don't try to fix it. It's supposed to be there." :) lol... phew. You have no idea how relieved I am to know that... :)
The "fog" is simply an acceptance of mystery - an okayness with the not-knowing-ness that comes from a life of faith; oddly coupled with another artistic tendency: asking a zillion questions, much to the annoyance of our friends and family. :) I can't explain it any better than that - I question everything at times, but I love the mystery of life, love, God Himself...
The Israelites followed a cloud... and at times that cloud would fill the temple, and the priests would be unable to minister because of it... what a glorious, mysterious, specific encounter with God that would be...
I'm doing a bit of my own cloud-following this week. It's pouring rain right now, so I am putzing a bit, waiting for it to stop - but in a couple of hours, I am hitting the road and heading to Montana for the week. I will probably spend more time in my car than I do in Montana, but hey... I've always wanted to see it. :) My goal is Glacier National Park. I am not sure I will actually get there. And I am so okay with that. :) It's so cliche, but in this instance, I really feel like it's going to be so much more about the journey than it is about the destination. I have no idea where I'm going to sleep tonight. It's kind of cool... in an unsettling sort of way. :) I wasn't going to leave until tomorrow - but already, I'm just feeling a tug to get going, to get away, to turn off the phone and the computer and just go - out into the wilderness with the Lord, to wait on Him, and to hear what He has to say. I am completely and totally lovesick for Jesus right now - and so looking forward to this week.
I should probably go pack... :)
One of the "quote of the week" moments tho, came from Richard Allen Farmer, in one of the main sessions. He was giving us a "tour of the artist's brain" - and he said, "That fog in your head? Don't try to fix it. It's supposed to be there." :) lol... phew. You have no idea how relieved I am to know that... :)
The "fog" is simply an acceptance of mystery - an okayness with the not-knowing-ness that comes from a life of faith; oddly coupled with another artistic tendency: asking a zillion questions, much to the annoyance of our friends and family. :) I can't explain it any better than that - I question everything at times, but I love the mystery of life, love, God Himself...
The Israelites followed a cloud... and at times that cloud would fill the temple, and the priests would be unable to minister because of it... what a glorious, mysterious, specific encounter with God that would be...
I'm doing a bit of my own cloud-following this week. It's pouring rain right now, so I am putzing a bit, waiting for it to stop - but in a couple of hours, I am hitting the road and heading to Montana for the week. I will probably spend more time in my car than I do in Montana, but hey... I've always wanted to see it. :) My goal is Glacier National Park. I am not sure I will actually get there. And I am so okay with that. :) It's so cliche, but in this instance, I really feel like it's going to be so much more about the journey than it is about the destination. I have no idea where I'm going to sleep tonight. It's kind of cool... in an unsettling sort of way. :) I wasn't going to leave until tomorrow - but already, I'm just feeling a tug to get going, to get away, to turn off the phone and the computer and just go - out into the wilderness with the Lord, to wait on Him, and to hear what He has to say. I am completely and totally lovesick for Jesus right now - and so looking forward to this week.
I should probably go pack... :)
i am woman; hear me...what?
It was a long-standing joke amongst our group of friends, surely referenced to something long-forgotten in our (then) pop culture: "I am woman! Hear me roar!!!" Followed by: "Mreow..."
I don't remember why, but I thought of that the other day, and it totally made me crack up. Partly because it's just funny... and partially because for the longest time it was true. Ruth recently was praying for me, and felt that God used the word "bashful" in reference to me. There are a few reasons for that... one is simply that it's been so true for so long - I am ridiculously shy, but not a lot of people know that, because I've learned to overcome it (for the most part). But there's also a sense in which it is no longer quite as true as it once was...
One of the fundamental shifts that's been happening of late at the core of who I am is completely centered around this whole bashfulness thing. I mentioned yesterday that I was thinking of changing the name of my blog. If I changed the name to anything, it would be this: "A Curious Thing..." and it's because of something my friend/mentor/pastor/brother/person Mark said a couple of weeks ago.
A bunch of us were sitting around in his living room one evening, playing the encouragement game. (If you've never played, you should - it totally rocks. Basically everyone goes around and says something really nice about you, and then it's someone else's turn and you all go around and say nice things about that person...and so on. It's great.) :)
So it's Mark's turn to say something nice about me, and he kind of tips back on his chair a bit and says slowly (he's still thinking really hard about how to say what he wants to say): "You... are the most curious thing..." and then there's this pause, and I couldn't help it, I just started laughing. It was right up there with the time Veggie said I was complex person....
But Mark went on to explain it, and what he said was that I have this really tender heart, but on the outside, I'm like this really tough warrior woman...
And I kind of know what he means, tho I kind of don't... and sometimes I feel more like the flip version of that - easily wounded, but chock full of chutspa in spite of it... but maybe it's more that I'm a little bit of both. At any rate - this warrior woman side of me, whether she's more inner or outer me - she's new. And I like her. And she doesn't put up with much, and she chases Jesus in a pretty hard-core way. And if you happen to mess with her... chances are pretty good she will actually roar.
Which is probably why Stephie says I can be a ninja now. :)
I don't remember why, but I thought of that the other day, and it totally made me crack up. Partly because it's just funny... and partially because for the longest time it was true. Ruth recently was praying for me, and felt that God used the word "bashful" in reference to me. There are a few reasons for that... one is simply that it's been so true for so long - I am ridiculously shy, but not a lot of people know that, because I've learned to overcome it (for the most part). But there's also a sense in which it is no longer quite as true as it once was...
One of the fundamental shifts that's been happening of late at the core of who I am is completely centered around this whole bashfulness thing. I mentioned yesterday that I was thinking of changing the name of my blog. If I changed the name to anything, it would be this: "A Curious Thing..." and it's because of something my friend/mentor/pastor/brother/person Mark said a couple of weeks ago.
A bunch of us were sitting around in his living room one evening, playing the encouragement game. (If you've never played, you should - it totally rocks. Basically everyone goes around and says something really nice about you, and then it's someone else's turn and you all go around and say nice things about that person...and so on. It's great.) :)
So it's Mark's turn to say something nice about me, and he kind of tips back on his chair a bit and says slowly (he's still thinking really hard about how to say what he wants to say): "You... are the most curious thing..." and then there's this pause, and I couldn't help it, I just started laughing. It was right up there with the time Veggie said I was complex person....
But Mark went on to explain it, and what he said was that I have this really tender heart, but on the outside, I'm like this really tough warrior woman...
And I kind of know what he means, tho I kind of don't... and sometimes I feel more like the flip version of that - easily wounded, but chock full of chutspa in spite of it... but maybe it's more that I'm a little bit of both. At any rate - this warrior woman side of me, whether she's more inner or outer me - she's new. And I like her. And she doesn't put up with much, and she chases Jesus in a pretty hard-core way. And if you happen to mess with her... chances are pretty good she will actually roar.
Which is probably why Stephie says I can be a ninja now. :)
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