At the beginning of January, I joined the OneWord365 Community and chose "compassion" as my one word for the year.
I knew it was going to cost me something.
What I didn't really register is that one of the things it will cost is my pride.
The first thing I've learned about compassion is how little of it I seem to have for myself. I can have a tough day, or screw something up, or say the wrong thing, and my instant response is to berate myself for it (sometimes for days) - whereas a friend can tell me with tears in her eyes about how tough her day was, or how she made a poor decision, or said the wrong things, and my instant response will be one of grace and compassion, calling out what's true about her as a person over and against the facts of her day or a situation, and reminding her who and Whose she is.
I can read verses like Psalm 103:8, which says: "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love" - and know that a Christ-like attitude imitates this - but to have this perspective towards myself is challenging. To be compassionate and gracious towards myself, to not be mad at myself when I "get it wrong" (especially if I knew better!) - wow. Not my first response.
Admitting it out loud means acknowledging that this needs to change. It means that on a tough day, when I'm not succeeding in holding it all together or "getting it right," I need to be able to walk in grace without arguing with it. I know that His grace covers all my sins and shortcomings, and that I am a work-in-progress - but all too often I expect justice when what's mine is gracious compassion.
One of the things the Lord has been whispering so often to my heart this past month is that He understands me far better than I understand myself. He knows every thought, every motivation - and He knows where they came from. He is in the business of taking the broken and making it whole - and He is doing that with me. And He sees past the flaws to the beauty He's bringing out of me.
So a little over a month in, I can already say that "compassion" was a good word for the year. I don't think I realized how much I really need it - especially from myself.
Showing posts with label simple felicity: grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label simple felicity: grace. Show all posts
lenten journeys: grace
It never ceases to amaze me how different my experience of Lent is from year to year. Last year's journey was very definitely about stewardship, discipline and self-control. This year? This year seems to be mostly about grace.
It's everywhere.
One of the benefits to leading the devotional study our church is doing for Lent is that I am most definitely in God's Word on a daily basis. There is a LOT of Scripture in the daily lectionary we're following - and I'm reading all of it, every day. And the one thing that is becoming clear as I'm reading is the pervasiveness of God's grace. Every single set of readings thus far has pointed me to grace.
I don't know how long I've actually been observing Lent on a yearly basis. It's been a long time. It usually consists of giving something up. And in recent years, I've been pretty hard-core. I've given up coffee, chocolate, bread, ice cream, anything with high fructose corn syrup in it, caffeine, etc. - or (to put it more positively) I've started eating healthier. And I've been strict - oh, so strict! - about sticking to what I've set out for myself.
But this year - I haven't been that hard core about it. All it turns out that I've really given up is coffee, and I actually gave that up before Lent, because as much as I love it, it was a healthier choice to give it up for a season.
I had good intentions when I started - and I have - for the most part - been a lot more healthy in my food choices. But those no-bake cookies just sounded so awesome, and fountain Coke is so good... and yes, on Thursday, I went through the drive-thru on the way home from rehearsal and got a double-cheeseburger.
But I prayed about it before I went, and I believe God said yes.
You see, a double-cheeseburger is WAY more than a double-cheeseburger to me. It is one of the fastest entrances into Presence I know. I realize it sounds silly, but there's a backstory to it, a good one - and I needed it. At the end of a ridiculously long and emotionally trying day, a double-cheeseburger was exactly what I needed. It fed my body and my soul.
Yes, it's Lent. Yes, bread is on my personal no-no list. But it's a man-made tradition, giving things up for Lent, not a biblical mandate, and I'm realizing, even as I joke about flunking Lent, that I probably should have prayed a little more before diving into this season about what God wanted to do in me through it. I should have asked for more specific direction.
But there's grace for that, too - and so much freedom to make a course correction now.
So enough with legalism. This year is about grace, and I am celebrating my freedom to pray daily about what to eat or not to eat in any given situation. I am recognizing that it is completely okay that I don't have the emotional bandwidth to pursue a more disciplined fast right now - that maybe the time I'm putting into leading this study is the only sacrifice God really wanted from me this year. And I am resting in the love and the grace of a God who loves me tremendously, and guides me as graciously as He does.
It's everywhere.
One of the benefits to leading the devotional study our church is doing for Lent is that I am most definitely in God's Word on a daily basis. There is a LOT of Scripture in the daily lectionary we're following - and I'm reading all of it, every day. And the one thing that is becoming clear as I'm reading is the pervasiveness of God's grace. Every single set of readings thus far has pointed me to grace.
I don't know how long I've actually been observing Lent on a yearly basis. It's been a long time. It usually consists of giving something up. And in recent years, I've been pretty hard-core. I've given up coffee, chocolate, bread, ice cream, anything with high fructose corn syrup in it, caffeine, etc. - or (to put it more positively) I've started eating healthier. And I've been strict - oh, so strict! - about sticking to what I've set out for myself.
But this year - I haven't been that hard core about it. All it turns out that I've really given up is coffee, and I actually gave that up before Lent, because as much as I love it, it was a healthier choice to give it up for a season.
I had good intentions when I started - and I have - for the most part - been a lot more healthy in my food choices. But those no-bake cookies just sounded so awesome, and fountain Coke is so good... and yes, on Thursday, I went through the drive-thru on the way home from rehearsal and got a double-cheeseburger.
But I prayed about it before I went, and I believe God said yes.
You see, a double-cheeseburger is WAY more than a double-cheeseburger to me. It is one of the fastest entrances into Presence I know. I realize it sounds silly, but there's a backstory to it, a good one - and I needed it. At the end of a ridiculously long and emotionally trying day, a double-cheeseburger was exactly what I needed. It fed my body and my soul.
Yes, it's Lent. Yes, bread is on my personal no-no list. But it's a man-made tradition, giving things up for Lent, not a biblical mandate, and I'm realizing, even as I joke about flunking Lent, that I probably should have prayed a little more before diving into this season about what God wanted to do in me through it. I should have asked for more specific direction.
But there's grace for that, too - and so much freedom to make a course correction now.
So enough with legalism. This year is about grace, and I am celebrating my freedom to pray daily about what to eat or not to eat in any given situation. I am recognizing that it is completely okay that I don't have the emotional bandwidth to pursue a more disciplined fast right now - that maybe the time I'm putting into leading this study is the only sacrifice God really wanted from me this year. And I am resting in the love and the grace of a God who loves me tremendously, and guides me as graciously as He does.
a new venture
As I grow into my role on staff at Torch, every now and again, I find something new on my plate. This month, it's blogging. :) Our website's been under construction for awhile, and now that it's (mostly) finished, there are all sorts of new features, including a pastor's blog. I've been asked to contribute, and this week, my first post went up.
Let me tell you - blogging for someone else's blog is challenging! :) Writing for our church blog is way different than just coming here to my virtual "room" and sharing my heart. But it was a really good stretch for my shepherding skills and my writing.
And since it's all I've got right now - here it is. :)
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Stay Dependent On Your King
Have you ever gotten to the end of your day, only to look back and realize that you were pretty much the worst version of yourself you could have possibly been?
- Maybe you snapped at people left and right, for no particular reason, or over-reacted to situations that would have gone better if you’d just taken a minute to think (or to take a deep breath) before dealing with them
- Maybe you cut someone off in traffic, or left that file on your desk at home in spite of the fact that you were supposed to give a big presentation - on all the info in that folder
- Maybe the printer jammed (again) and you swore in front of your boss - who isn’t a believer.
Whatever it was - the sun’s going down, and all you want is a do-over. You know you’re not going to get it, but in the midst of all the guilt you feel over the myriad of ways in which you’ve screwed up, you’re resolute: tomorrow will go better. You will make better choices; you will keep your temper; you will get it right. And maybe, somehow, it will make up for today...
Except that it won’t.
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” - Isaiah 30:15 (NIV)
Ouch.
Suddenly, that resolution you just made seems a little ... well, ridiculous. Because honestly, without His help, there isn’t a whole lot of hope that tomorrow will go much better. Most of today went the way it did because you weren’t depending on Him; you were doing it on your own, and it didn’t work. You weren’t quiet, you didn’t trust Him, you felt guilty (but you didn’t repent - you didn’t do a 180 in your heart or with your actions), and you weren’t even slightly at rest. You were anxious and tense; your tone of voice was sharp when you spoke. You were - to sum it up - knee-deep in sin for most of the day.
Trying to do better might seem like the right thing to do, but the truth of the matter is, it’s not going to go any better tomorrow than it was today if you don’t get some help. No matter how genuinely you want to go into tomorrow representing Jesus - the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, it’s not going to happen if you try to do it on your own.
So what do you do?
Well, first, you repent for your sin, and admit that you can’t save yourself. Let’s look at that verse again, this time from the Message paraphrase:
“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on me - the very thing you’ve been unwilling to do.” - Isaiah 30:15b (The Message)
Did you catch that? Your salvation requires you to turn back to God and stop your ridiculous efforts to save yourself.
The Bible says: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” - Ephesians 2:8-10
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith... not by the things you do. Better still - the very faith you have in His grace? Even that isn’t yours; God gave you that, too! Your salvation is completely a gift, and all you had to do was ask for it. It wasn’t free - it was incredibly costly - but it was given to you as a gift, completely paid for, when you asked for it.
Now as Ephesians 2:10 points out, God does have things for you to do. Being kind to your coworkers, modeling a godly character in front of your kids, and living an upright lifestyle on campus are all important - but doing those things in love and obedience doesn’t save you. Jesus does. Did. Is. Will. Salvation and sanctification (becoming like the One who saves you) go hand in hand - but you have to stay dependent on Him. Jesus promised, “You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me.” (John 15:3-4)
Stay dependent on your King.
Cease striving, beloved. Be still, and know that He is God. (Psalm 46:10a) He is sovereign; He is your King. And as your King, He tells you: “In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength.” Don’t allow yourself to be counted among those who “would have none of it.” And if those five words convict you, then ask yourself:
- What is it that keeps me from repenting of my sin? (Is it my pride? My stubbornness? Too much self-reliance?)
- What keeps me from resting in the knowledge that it is by grace that I have been saved? (Do I still feel like I need to prove my worth somehow to God?)
- What is filling my life with noise, drowning out the still, quiet whisper of His voice to my heart? (Am I spending too much time watching movies, or reading? Is my schedule so full that I don’t have time to simply stop and wait on Him to speak to me?)
- What is keeping me from completely trusting Him? (Am I afraid that He will let me down in some way? Or am I afraid of what people will think if I follow Him more openly than I do?)
Take some time today and wrestle with those questions. You might be surprised by some of the answers. You might even already know them. But once you’ve gone there, all that’s left to do is to tell Him, and to settle down in complete dependence on Him, putting your faith in His incredible, unending, limitless, and amazing grace.
and this is life
I would like to tell you that my road trip with Jesus was amazing. Peaceful, joy-filled, fun, adventurous, packed with intimate conversation with the Lord.It was all of those things.
But it was also incredibly hard.
Spend 4 days alone in a car with Jesus, and it's pretty likely that eventually you'll run into yourself, in all of your miserable, sin-tainted fallenness. And I did. It was pretty hideous. But oh, the grace with which He met me there!
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I suppose I should start from the beginning and go from there...
I think I left with a bit of fear that this year's trip would not be as amazing as last year's trip. It wasn't. And it was. And it wasn't. There really isn't a comparison to be made, except that they were both road trips with Jesus. But if last year's trip was about rest and learning to abide in Him at all times, being at rest, no matter what the current pace of life, this one was about life being a journey, and taking it as it comes, good, bad, and in-between. It was also, I think, about finding peace. I'm not sure. I think, as with last year's trip, I will come to understand far more a few months out from here than I could possibly understand now.
But it was good. Amazing. Terrible. Great. Breathtaking. Heart-breaking. Perfect. Confusing. Wonderful. Beautiful. Long. And way too short.
It was what it was.
And this is life. It's a journey, long and far too short - full of heartbreak and trial and breathtaking moments of beauty.
Just before I left, my friend Amanda and I took a day trip up to Michigan to get coffee at J.P.'s and pick apples and buy donuts (yes, seriously, that's all we went for) - and we found this sign at a store that said "The journey is the destination."
"You should get that. It's so you," she said.
"I know. How much is it?"
"It's $42.00." (moment of thought.) "But you could totally make that."
I really might.
wonderfully...
I've been reading a lot lately, and one of the books I am still valiantly plowing through (not because it's boring, but because it is one of the longest books I have ever purchased) is John G. Lake: The Complete Collection of His Life's Teachings - compiled by Roberts Liardon.
John's journal entries are very interesting, and one of the things I noticed as I was reading yesterday was how often he would comment that "so-and-so was wonderfully saved."
It is wonderful, isn't it? I forget that sometimes, in the midst of all the stuff that I do as a Christian and as a pseudo-staffer at my church, that this is all actually incredibly wonderful and amazing. Why is that? I mean, it's ridiculous of me to not remember that grace is a gift, and an undeserved one at that, and to therefore rejoice in my salvation! But I forget, all the same, and get bogged down in the worries of this life, and the task lists, and the lists of things that didn't get done on last week's task lists, and suddenly life is routine and boring and wonder lies fallow under agenda.
I want wonder to wake up. I want to be so captured by the night sky that I simply sit smack down in the middle of the driveway and look up for half an hour. I want to be so taken with the colors in the sunrise that I actually get up to see what beauty He will paint tomorrow. I want to simply stop in the middle of all of these task lists and be completely okay with a not-quite-spotless floor in favor of quality-time-spent with someone I love. And I want to remember all the things that Jesus saved me from, and rejoice with the deepest possible gratitude and wonder that I am indeed saved, forgiven, accepted, and wanted by God.
I am wonderfully saved. How do I even begin to understand the magnitude of that? But it is true. And it is wonder full.
daleth: freedom
I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to Your word. I recounted my ways and you answered me;
teach me Your decrees. Let me understand the teaching of Your precepts;
then I will meditate on Your wonders. My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to Your word. Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me through Your law. I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on Your laws. I hold fast to Your statutes, O LORD,
do not let me be put to shame. I run in the path of Your commands,
for You have set my heart free.- Psalm 119: 25-32
I've been thinking about this on and off for weeks now.
"Command" can sound like such a negative word to us - restrictive, a "you have to do this or else" sort of a thing. We don't associate it with freedom easily.
But I heard Alistair Begg say once that as we grow in our relationship with Jesus over time, and become more and more like Him, the "thou shalt nots" of the law become "thou shall nots." The transformative power of the Holy Spirit at work within us leads us to a place where we wouldn't even think of doing the things we are told not to do; we just shall not do them anymore, because it isn't who we are, and we simply wouldn't.
I like that. I am grateful for it. And I think, in truth, it really does set us free...
In those seasons when we feel, like the psalmist, that we are "laid low in the dust" (read: we've fallen flat on our faces for one reason or another and it feels like we can hardly breathe) or when we're "weary with sorrow" - there is still hope. Because we love and serve a God who will not let us be put to shame, a God who is aware of and at work in every circumstance of our lives, a God who is in the process of transforming us into the image of His Son. And whether it's our own sin or someone else's, or just the fallen nature of this world (or some combination thereof) that's landed us face down in the dirt or made us sad - because of Christ's death and resurrection, there really will be a day when we shall not do anything we should not.
Thank You, Jesus, for amazing grace and mercy.
a long day's journey into quietness
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense." - Emerson
Today began serenely. It really did. And then somehow between 15 minutes of peace and quiet with God over coffee at 7:00am and now - it stopped being serene. I stopped being serene. No one really knew it, of course. I hid it fairly well. But as soon as I got away for a bit, there was metaphorical chili all over everywhere...
Why?
Well...initially I couldn't have told you, but as I've thought about it, I've realized that:
apparently I haven't come to terms with my inner Donna Reed after all
nor have I grown up as much as I thought I had
I've discovered I'm a hypocritical, snobby isolationist, as opposed to the loving person I'd like to be
I've forgotten to breathe in the unforced rhythms of grace
I've been walking around with a plank in my eye
I've worn entirely too many hats at the same time again
and I forgot that all I'm supposed to do is duck
...among other things.
sigh
But at the end of the day what it all really comes down to is: I've been self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed... self, self, self. I've been thinking about myself far too much, and not nearly enough about God's goodness, greatness, majesty, power, mercy, compassion, justice, righteousness, presence. I lost sight of love, hope, joy, peace... I forgot to let Him grow patience in me, gentleness, kindness, ...ha. self-control. It's a fruit of the Spirit - something He does in you - and not something you do by yourself....
Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry I lost sight of You today, and of the things in life that are truly important. Thank you for this opportunity to lay them at Your feet - to return at the end of this long day's journey to quietness, serenity, peace... hope. Thank You for tomorrow, and all that You will do in it. And for bringing me face-to-face with my pride, and rebellion, and the striving from which I need to cease now, that I may know that Thou art God. I repent for my childish, self-centered attitudes and behaviours, and turn to Your ways. Teach me how to walk in them, Lord. In Your Name and for the sake of Your glory, I pray. Amen.
Today began serenely. It really did. And then somehow between 15 minutes of peace and quiet with God over coffee at 7:00am and now - it stopped being serene. I stopped being serene. No one really knew it, of course. I hid it fairly well. But as soon as I got away for a bit, there was metaphorical chili all over everywhere...
Why?
Well...initially I couldn't have told you, but as I've thought about it, I've realized that:
apparently I haven't come to terms with my inner Donna Reed after all
nor have I grown up as much as I thought I had
I've discovered I'm a hypocritical, snobby isolationist, as opposed to the loving person I'd like to be
I've forgotten to breathe in the unforced rhythms of grace
I've been walking around with a plank in my eye
I've worn entirely too many hats at the same time again
and I forgot that all I'm supposed to do is duck
...among other things.
sigh
But at the end of the day what it all really comes down to is: I've been self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed... self, self, self. I've been thinking about myself far too much, and not nearly enough about God's goodness, greatness, majesty, power, mercy, compassion, justice, righteousness, presence. I lost sight of love, hope, joy, peace... I forgot to let Him grow patience in me, gentleness, kindness, ...ha. self-control. It's a fruit of the Spirit - something He does in you - and not something you do by yourself....
Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry I lost sight of You today, and of the things in life that are truly important. Thank you for this opportunity to lay them at Your feet - to return at the end of this long day's journey to quietness, serenity, peace... hope. Thank You for tomorrow, and all that You will do in it. And for bringing me face-to-face with my pride, and rebellion, and the striving from which I need to cease now, that I may know that Thou art God. I repent for my childish, self-centered attitudes and behaviours, and turn to Your ways. Teach me how to walk in them, Lord. In Your Name and for the sake of Your glory, I pray. Amen.
aleph: the beauty of grace
"Blessed are they whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the Lord.
Blessed are they who keep His statutes
and seek Him with all their heart.
They do nothing wrong;
they walk in His ways.
You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast
in obeying Your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all Your commands.
I will praise You with an upright heart
as I learn Your righteous laws.
I will obey Your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me."
- Psalm 119:1-8
If you want to be blessed, be blameless.
That can feel like such a tall order sometimes, can't it? Particularly for those of us (yes, my hand is quite sheepishly still in the air on this one) who are perfectionists, who "must" get it right...
Oh, but grace! :) And these verses from Ephesians: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing that is in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the one He loves. In Him we have redemption through His blood, according to the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." - Ephesians 1:3-8
I love the language in that last verse - the word picture of grace being lavished on us. It feels so luxurious - like you can just go roll around in it, and it's this strange (in a foreign-to-you way, not in a weird way), exotic thing, and someone just brought it all away across the world just for you, and there's so much of it you don't know what to do with it.... and there's a very real sense in which that's actually true! Grace is abundant. God has treasure houses jam packed with it, that He simply pours out on His children, whom He knew ("with all wisdom and understanding") would need it. And because of that grace - once we have rolled around in it and come up simply dripping in it - we are holy and blameless. Something happens when you put on grace - it's like dressing up in a costume and becoming a fairy princess or a knight of the Round Table - except when you've dressed in grace you actually do become a new person. The person you were created to be. And words that describe you now are "holy," "blameless," "blessed."
In spite of the fact that you just totally screwed it all up five minutes ago, this is actually true of you. And oh, yes, there's still the question of repentance and sanctification - you need all that too - but if you are a follower of Jesus, you are as much in the reality of being holy and blameless in God's sight as you are in the reality of growing towards it. It's mind-boggling, isn't it? :) But such is the mystery of grace. Oh! If we only understood this sometimes - how much more grace would we be able to give ourselves?
"Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying Your decrees..."
I find myself praying that as I read it.
"...do not utterly forsake me."
That jumped out at me when I read it. We are not dependent on "works righteousness" - following a legal code in order to earn God's favor - our righteousness comes by grace, and grace alone. "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 1: 8-9) So the connection between, "I'll obey your decrees" and "do not forsake me" struck me as something that didn't quite follow at first... and what David meant as he prayed it I don't really know, but I know that when I chose to walk in God's ways and do what He says (even in the moments when a lot of the currently-less-sanctified part of my nature would like to do quite otherwise), I do it because I love Him. And when I find myself praying anything along the lines of "do not forsake me," it is simply because I know that on so many levels I would deserve that, were it not for the grace of the Lord Jesus.
But I want Him to stay, because I love Him. I want "to do better" - not because it would earn His relationship, but because it would please Him. Because I love Him, and I want Him to be happy - and because I recognize the truth that when I walk in His ways - when I live my life His way and not my own, often-foolish way - I truly am blessed. And when I pray, "do not forsake me" - as a child of God, I can know that His answer to that is always, "I will not." In so many ways, that prayer is simply an invitation for Him to remind me of His promise: "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5)
I love the way the Message begins this psalm:
"You're blessed when you stay on course,
walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow His directions,
doing Your best to find Him." - Psalm 119:1-2
Whatever life holds for you today, I pray that you'll be blessed, my friends.
who walk according to the law of the Lord.
Blessed are they who keep His statutes
and seek Him with all their heart.
They do nothing wrong;
they walk in His ways.
You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast
in obeying Your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all Your commands.
I will praise You with an upright heart
as I learn Your righteous laws.
I will obey Your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me."
- Psalm 119:1-8
If you want to be blessed, be blameless.
That can feel like such a tall order sometimes, can't it? Particularly for those of us (yes, my hand is quite sheepishly still in the air on this one) who are perfectionists, who "must" get it right...
Oh, but grace! :) And these verses from Ephesians: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing that is in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the one He loves. In Him we have redemption through His blood, according to the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." - Ephesians 1:3-8
I love the language in that last verse - the word picture of grace being lavished on us. It feels so luxurious - like you can just go roll around in it, and it's this strange (in a foreign-to-you way, not in a weird way), exotic thing, and someone just brought it all away across the world just for you, and there's so much of it you don't know what to do with it.... and there's a very real sense in which that's actually true! Grace is abundant. God has treasure houses jam packed with it, that He simply pours out on His children, whom He knew ("with all wisdom and understanding") would need it. And because of that grace - once we have rolled around in it and come up simply dripping in it - we are holy and blameless. Something happens when you put on grace - it's like dressing up in a costume and becoming a fairy princess or a knight of the Round Table - except when you've dressed in grace you actually do become a new person. The person you were created to be. And words that describe you now are "holy," "blameless," "blessed."
In spite of the fact that you just totally screwed it all up five minutes ago, this is actually true of you. And oh, yes, there's still the question of repentance and sanctification - you need all that too - but if you are a follower of Jesus, you are as much in the reality of being holy and blameless in God's sight as you are in the reality of growing towards it. It's mind-boggling, isn't it? :) But such is the mystery of grace. Oh! If we only understood this sometimes - how much more grace would we be able to give ourselves?
"Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying Your decrees..."
I find myself praying that as I read it.
"...do not utterly forsake me."
That jumped out at me when I read it. We are not dependent on "works righteousness" - following a legal code in order to earn God's favor - our righteousness comes by grace, and grace alone. "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 1: 8-9) So the connection between, "I'll obey your decrees" and "do not forsake me" struck me as something that didn't quite follow at first... and what David meant as he prayed it I don't really know, but I know that when I chose to walk in God's ways and do what He says (even in the moments when a lot of the currently-less-sanctified part of my nature would like to do quite otherwise), I do it because I love Him. And when I find myself praying anything along the lines of "do not forsake me," it is simply because I know that on so many levels I would deserve that, were it not for the grace of the Lord Jesus.
But I want Him to stay, because I love Him. I want "to do better" - not because it would earn His relationship, but because it would please Him. Because I love Him, and I want Him to be happy - and because I recognize the truth that when I walk in His ways - when I live my life His way and not my own, often-foolish way - I truly am blessed. And when I pray, "do not forsake me" - as a child of God, I can know that His answer to that is always, "I will not." In so many ways, that prayer is simply an invitation for Him to remind me of His promise: "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5)
I love the way the Message begins this psalm:
"You're blessed when you stay on course,
walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow His directions,
doing Your best to find Him." - Psalm 119:1-2
Whatever life holds for you today, I pray that you'll be blessed, my friends.
freedom
i had coffee with an amazing woman of God last night - a girl i've been privileged to "mentor" for the past few months. (i wonder if she has any idea how often she mentors me?)
among the many topics we covered was freedom. it's a glorious word, isn't it? Heather, awhile ago, asked us what we thought of when we heard the word freedom, and my mental image is running through a field of little white flowers. There was a night last winter when I was incredibly depressed, and completely broke down on a couple of good friends - one of them had a vision as he was praying for me that night, and that was the scene he described. it's (obviously) stuck with me...
freedom's an incredible thing, but sometimes it comes in stages. that's cool, in some ways, because it means that if you are trying to break free from something, there is hope that if you have not yet, you will someday. but there are times when freedom seems so elusive... when you're longing so much to just be free without all the work it takes to get there sometimes... and whether it's getting out of debt, or a sin you just can't seem to shake, or realigning the things you believe with the Truth... freedom often comes with a price, and sometimes it is steep.
but there is one kind of freedom for which the price has already been paid in full, and it is simply yours for the asking. "...it is by grace you have been saved." (Ephesians 2:5)
among the many topics we covered was freedom. it's a glorious word, isn't it? Heather, awhile ago, asked us what we thought of when we heard the word freedom, and my mental image is running through a field of little white flowers. There was a night last winter when I was incredibly depressed, and completely broke down on a couple of good friends - one of them had a vision as he was praying for me that night, and that was the scene he described. it's (obviously) stuck with me...
freedom's an incredible thing, but sometimes it comes in stages. that's cool, in some ways, because it means that if you are trying to break free from something, there is hope that if you have not yet, you will someday. but there are times when freedom seems so elusive... when you're longing so much to just be free without all the work it takes to get there sometimes... and whether it's getting out of debt, or a sin you just can't seem to shake, or realigning the things you believe with the Truth... freedom often comes with a price, and sometimes it is steep.
but there is one kind of freedom for which the price has already been paid in full, and it is simply yours for the asking. "...it is by grace you have been saved." (Ephesians 2:5)
i'll never know...
Dearest Lord Jesus,
All I can say in response to Who You are and what You've done is... thank You.
I will never truly know nor understand how much it truly cost You to save me. Thank You for being the Bridge that led me to life.
Amen.
All I can say in response to Who You are and what You've done is... thank You.
I will never truly know nor understand how much it truly cost You to save me. Thank You for being the Bridge that led me to life.
Amen.
this delicate dance between grace and love
Over the past week I've had a lot of tough conversations, and read a few things that have profoundly disturbed me, and it's gotten me thinking about this delicate dance between grace and love.
"...all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-24) This is the truth and the gospel - we have all completely screwed up on any number of levels, and worse: we, without Christ, are "by nature objects of wrath" (Ephesians 2:3) - but there is grace and redemption and forgiveness and reconciliation because of Christ's death and resurrection, and this is good news!!
But sometimes I fear that in the name of love we do not speak the truth as clearly as we ought. That in the name of compassion we adopt this "I'm okay and you're okay" philosophy that looks and sounds so nice and kind, but is actually full of hell, because it's a lie. We are not okay, and we have never been okay - it is why Christ came and died for us. There was a price paid for our freedom! And to deny that we have needed that ransom is to deny love...
Hebrews 4:15-16 tells us that "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
He gets it, this God of ours, that temptation to sin comes at us in a zillion different ways, because not only does He see it, but He's been there, on the receiving end. He didn't give in to it, but He knows what it feels like be in those situations, and He knows how to help us in our time of need. We can come to Him in confidence, knowing that we will find mercy and grace. Romans 8:26: "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." His heart is filled with compassion for us, and He receives us as we are.
But He does not leave us that way.
The Bible tells us, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2) This is a process that takes cooperation between the Spirit at work in us (sanctifying us and making us more like Jesus) and we ourselves (choosing to allow Him to do it). It is not always easy, this becoming holy - it requires us to die to ourselves, and we do not always want to do that - and sometimes we want to but we don't want to but we do want to...
I love the way Peterson paraphrases this in the Message: "It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." (Romans 7:21-25)
I love the way Peterson paraphrases this in the Message: "It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." (Romans 7:21-25)
And that's the thing - He acted to set things right. Because there were things that needed to be set right. And there are things that still do...
"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. - 1 John 4:7-9
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
God is love - and love rejoices in the truth.
I did a word search on Bible Gateway, looking for that verse about speaking the truth in love, and it turned up a number of verses that taken together make it very clear that there is a deep correlation between truth and love. Not surprising, as the Word tells us both that God is love and that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life... (John 14:6)
Love will always tell you the truth. Paul tells us that "...speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Ephesians 4:15)
I want that. I want Truth-speakers in my life who will tell me when I am getting it wrong, so that in all things I will grow up into Christ. And I want to be a Truth-speaker - not because of some self-righteous "I'm right and you're wrong" mentality - but because I love people and because I want to spend eternity with everyone.
The goal is godliness... the heart is love... and love does not lie to you and tell you that something wrong is okay when it isn't. It does not tell you, as you are walking into sin, that it's fine that you're doing it, because that's just where you are right now, and that everything's going to work out, and not to worry about it. It does not tell you that just because your situation is atrocious, that just because something horrible has happened to you, that you are justified in responding to it in an ungodly manner. Love turns and looks straight at that which would destroy it and continues to be love. ("Forgive them, Father, for they do not know what they are doing.")
God is love. He is also the source of life. And love values life - always.
About a week ago we started talking about "the abortion issue" at Torch, as we began praying for the upcoming election, and for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. It has been a week of hard conversations and fervent prayer, and I have debated saying anything at all... but I cannot be silent. More than 50 million babies have been robbed of their destinies in this nation alone, and it is time for the bloodshed to stop. It is time for the Church to repent of her indifference and to do something about it. Our God can move mountains. He can heal our land.
He can also heal people.
There is grace. There is always, always, always grace. But "what shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" (Romans 6:1-2)
I had the incredible privilege of watching /participating in (via the Internet) a prayer meeting in San Diego, CA last night, led by Lou Engle. At one point in the night, we prayed a prayer together that many involved with Bound4Life have been praying already for months:
"Jesus, I plead Your Blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion, and send revival to America."
It is a simple prayer, and it is heartfelt. And I am so humbled to be allowed into God's throne room, to repent on behalf of my nation, and to plead for the mercy He so freely gives.
unexpected
i went to the birthday party of a good friend last night; it was really fun, and we had a great time, and right in the middle of all of it, God was at work in one of the most unexpected ways...
i've alluded to the fact that i'm just struggling a bit emotionally and mentally right now (see Psalm 13), and part of that is this ongoing war with my anti-failure/perfectionism issues... i hate failing. at anything. especially when it involves letting people down. and last fall i managed to do it royally in a particular situation and there was so much hurt and misunderstanding on both sides that it didn't really seem like there was ever going to be a healthy resolution to that. i mean, i said i was sorry for my part in it, and i left the door open for communication (or i thought i had), but the other person either never saw it or never walked through it, and eventually our ways parted completely, and it's been simply months since we've talked. the last time i saw him we didn't even say hi... and it isn't something that's been in the forefront of my mind much - it was relegated to the mental drawer of "things i really wish i'd handled a little better/don't do that again" - but i was thinking about it again on Thursday, and found myself extremely upset about the whole thing, just randomly, and i had to take it back to God and say "i don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You."
and this guy with whom i'd had such a falling out was at the party last night.
i walked in and thought, "oh, no - this is going to be so awkward..." but after a few minutes, i decided that, whether it was my turn to say something or not (and i'd been opting for "not" for months), i am thirty-three years old and it was high time to just grow up. so after a while i walked over to where he was sitting, sat down nearby, met his eyes, smiled, took a deep breath, and said, "so how are you?" we caught up on random life stuff briefly, and then he had to go to pick up his fiancee, and as he was leaving, we hugged, and i said, "i really am sorry." he said, "thank you. because, Happy, that really hurt." i didn't know what else to say, so i simply said, "i know. and i'm sorry." and he just kind of looked at me, and he smiled, and i said, "don't be a stranger. drop me a line every now and again, and let me know how you are." and he said he would.
it was a weird moment. good, but weird. there's part of me that wishes he'd taken it the next step and said, "i forgive you." there's something about hearing those words that just makes it easier to really let it go... but if he hasn't, i suppose that's not really my issue. i've forgiven him - and i'm most of the way toward forgiving myself (tho exercising grace toward myself is always hard). if he wants to talk more about what actually happened, i know i can do that now. it would still probably be awkward - but i'm not sure i care. i just don't want to be at odds with anybody in God's kingdom over anything. i'm okay with people not agreeing with me or liking me particularly (in theory, anyway. when it comes right down to it, i would like everyone to like me, as previously noted) - but i'm not okay with tension about it. this is my family. these are the people with whom i'm going to spend eternity. even if we're not in agreement over something, i would at least like to get along...or at least be patient and kind and everything else that love is, in my actions toward people...
it was such an unexpected moment. but i'm glad for it. because whether there's ever more conversation about it or not, it seems like a chapter just got closed and it even had a happy twist at the end. i suspect our conversation was something he really needed, and i'm glad God gave me the grace to step outside of myself and have it - and i guess maybe i needed it too. it's definitely one thing now crossed off the list of things that the enemy can throw back in my face. yes, i failed miserably in how i handled that last year. but yesterday? i did "the right thing." and i didn't do it because i felt i had to or because someone told me it was what i was supposed to do - i did it because i love Jesus, and because i really wanted to. and it felt good, to finally be in a place with this where i was driven not by guilt, but by compassion.
and it was pretty sweet. (thanks, God...)
i've alluded to the fact that i'm just struggling a bit emotionally and mentally right now (see Psalm 13), and part of that is this ongoing war with my anti-failure/perfectionism issues... i hate failing. at anything. especially when it involves letting people down. and last fall i managed to do it royally in a particular situation and there was so much hurt and misunderstanding on both sides that it didn't really seem like there was ever going to be a healthy resolution to that. i mean, i said i was sorry for my part in it, and i left the door open for communication (or i thought i had), but the other person either never saw it or never walked through it, and eventually our ways parted completely, and it's been simply months since we've talked. the last time i saw him we didn't even say hi... and it isn't something that's been in the forefront of my mind much - it was relegated to the mental drawer of "things i really wish i'd handled a little better/don't do that again" - but i was thinking about it again on Thursday, and found myself extremely upset about the whole thing, just randomly, and i had to take it back to God and say "i don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You."
and this guy with whom i'd had such a falling out was at the party last night.
i walked in and thought, "oh, no - this is going to be so awkward..." but after a few minutes, i decided that, whether it was my turn to say something or not (and i'd been opting for "not" for months), i am thirty-three years old and it was high time to just grow up. so after a while i walked over to where he was sitting, sat down nearby, met his eyes, smiled, took a deep breath, and said, "so how are you?" we caught up on random life stuff briefly, and then he had to go to pick up his fiancee, and as he was leaving, we hugged, and i said, "i really am sorry." he said, "thank you. because, Happy, that really hurt." i didn't know what else to say, so i simply said, "i know. and i'm sorry." and he just kind of looked at me, and he smiled, and i said, "don't be a stranger. drop me a line every now and again, and let me know how you are." and he said he would.
it was a weird moment. good, but weird. there's part of me that wishes he'd taken it the next step and said, "i forgive you." there's something about hearing those words that just makes it easier to really let it go... but if he hasn't, i suppose that's not really my issue. i've forgiven him - and i'm most of the way toward forgiving myself (tho exercising grace toward myself is always hard). if he wants to talk more about what actually happened, i know i can do that now. it would still probably be awkward - but i'm not sure i care. i just don't want to be at odds with anybody in God's kingdom over anything. i'm okay with people not agreeing with me or liking me particularly (in theory, anyway. when it comes right down to it, i would like everyone to like me, as previously noted) - but i'm not okay with tension about it. this is my family. these are the people with whom i'm going to spend eternity. even if we're not in agreement over something, i would at least like to get along...or at least be patient and kind and everything else that love is, in my actions toward people...
it was such an unexpected moment. but i'm glad for it. because whether there's ever more conversation about it or not, it seems like a chapter just got closed and it even had a happy twist at the end. i suspect our conversation was something he really needed, and i'm glad God gave me the grace to step outside of myself and have it - and i guess maybe i needed it too. it's definitely one thing now crossed off the list of things that the enemy can throw back in my face. yes, i failed miserably in how i handled that last year. but yesterday? i did "the right thing." and i didn't do it because i felt i had to or because someone told me it was what i was supposed to do - i did it because i love Jesus, and because i really wanted to. and it felt good, to finally be in a place with this where i was driven not by guilt, but by compassion.
and it was pretty sweet. (thanks, God...)
"pop!"
HT: ASBO JesusExercising grace. Sometimes it's ridiculously difficult, especially when you find you need to exercise it toward yourself, do you know what I mean? There are times when I find it so much easier to extend grace to someone else for their faults and failures than I do to myself, but it's such a double-standard. God's grace to me is just as effective and just as much a gift as it is to anyone else, so why do I hold myself to a higher standard than that to which I hold others? Is it some sort of backwards pride? An "I'm better than you, so I have to act like it" thing? Dear Lord, I hope not... but the fact is, I am a perfectionist, and I want to do, think, and say everything right all the time, and never fail... (which sounds ridiculous when you put it like that, but there it is...)
And I'm really lousy at it. In fact, you could term it... (feigned gasp) failure....
Lord, have mercy. And please make me more like You. Amen.
--------------
I've found myself with a lot of head chatter this week. I think a lot (you've probably noticed that by now) and there's usually something (or many things) flow-charting in my head - but there are times when pretty much all you can term it is "chatter" - an endless stream of negative self-talk that does no good, and nine times out of ten turns out to be a pack of lies from the pit of hell... And it's so easy to get discouraged by that sometimes.
But God, in his mercy, has been really cool about helping me to notice more quickly of late when it is that I'm starting to get caught up in that sort of mind-set and the emotional tangle that comes with it... and I've got a new tactic that helps me to laugh it off a bit. I have a very young friend who cannot say her "st" sound yet, so when she says "stop!" it comes out "pop!" (It totally cracks me up.) A few weeks ago, she actually said it to me about something, and I looked back at her in astonishment and said, without thinking, "No, you pop!" And we both started laughing, and now it's a joke... but sometimes, when I find myself getting all internally angsty, I will take a deep breath and tell myself to "Just pop!" And it makes me smile, every time. Which is a very good start to being far less angsty... (yay!)
faithfulness, grace and letting it go
"If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." - 2 Timothy 2: 13
"...Christ in you, the hope of glory." - Colossians 1:27
These words simply leapt off the pages at me this morning as I read.
A year ago yesterday I made a mistake. I was pretty sure I was supposed to be somewhere doing something with someone, and as the time drew nearer and nearer to go do it, I began to question my sanity and my ability to hear God's voice at all... so not only did I do nothing, but I ran in completely the opposite direction. I have had great cause to regret the decision I made that day - the events I can see now in retrospect that were set off by that choice caused what could be viewed as a lot of unnecessary heartbreak. And yet I have learned so much along that road, for all that it maybe wasn't the best road to be on in the first place. There's no Plan B - I know that. God knew long before I did the number of idiotic things I would say and do over the past year.... but I suppose it's just human nature to wonder what would have happened if only we could get a do-over every now and again....
Grace.
"...Christ in you, the hope of glory." - Colossians 1:27
These words simply leapt off the pages at me this morning as I read.
A year ago yesterday I made a mistake. I was pretty sure I was supposed to be somewhere doing something with someone, and as the time drew nearer and nearer to go do it, I began to question my sanity and my ability to hear God's voice at all... so not only did I do nothing, but I ran in completely the opposite direction. I have had great cause to regret the decision I made that day - the events I can see now in retrospect that were set off by that choice caused what could be viewed as a lot of unnecessary heartbreak. And yet I have learned so much along that road, for all that it maybe wasn't the best road to be on in the first place. There's no Plan B - I know that. God knew long before I did the number of idiotic things I would say and do over the past year.... but I suppose it's just human nature to wonder what would have happened if only we could get a do-over every now and again....
Grace.
I've said it before: the acronym I learned for grace was "God's Riches At Christ's Expense." Mercy, forgiveness, peace, acceptance, love - everything we need so desperately, freely given to us at great cost. A gift that is not temporary, not conditional on our deserving it or earning it, and that will not be taken back. I have had so much cause in the last 365 days to need that grace for so many reasons....
Guilt is a horrible antithesis to grace. As a perfectionist who wrestles a good deal with feelings of inadequacy and hates failure with a passion, I find myself in the guilt cycle a lot... knowing there's grace, but struggling to accept it, somehow thinking that if I just beat myself up a little more, it'll somehow atone for the fact that I was an idiot. God is continuing to remind me, even this morning, that I really need to knock it off. It isn't true; beating myself up over the things I've failed at will not help. Wallowing in my guilt will do nothing but focus me in on myself. But looking at Him - fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2) - will do everything to help.
Years ago when I first became a Christian, a couple of counselors at the camp I attended pulled an all-nighter and prayed for the 5 of us that had come to Christ that year and in whom they had invested. They got us each a Bible, and asked God to give them verses that would speak into and mark our lives in the future, and He did. They called it the "Emergency Scripture List" and I cannot tell you how many times in the half a lifetime that I've been following Christ I have turned to that list and found exactly what I needed. (Funny how God works that way - His Word meeting our needs....lol.) Toward the bottom of the page, they had written out 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And next to that, they wrote "-- a promise that NO ONE can wear out!!!"
No one can wear it out... it is as true today as it was yesterday. All I have to do is own up to what I've done, where I've erred, how I've failed to be faithful to Him and turned to myself or whatever it is - and He will be faithful (for He cannot disown Himself, and He lives in me by grace). And not only will He forgive me - but He'll also purify me. Sometimes that hurts like hell. Fire is hot, and silver needs to be melted to be purified. Sometimes the flowers need to be crushed a bit to emit a sweeter fragrance. The metaphors could go on and on, but you get the idea... Purification is a process that takes time and can be relatively unpleasant sometimes. But oh! The end product - being like Christ - is so worth it.
There is a beautiful confessional prayer I found years ago in one of Madeleine L'Engle's books, The Love Letters. The story, as I remember it, is that of a nun named Mariana who falls madly in love with a man who, by virtue of her devotion to Christ, is off-limits. They have an affair, and the story tells of her struggle with her feelings and her knowledge of right and wrong, and deals with all kinds of issues surrounding sin and grace - and there are two bits of the story that are kicking around in my head. (Spoiler alert!!! For those who want to stop reading...) :)
One is something I think the nun wrote to the man at the end of the story. "I have discovered that you yourself were less important to me than my own passion." (p. 314) Wow. Doesn't that just sum it up right there? Any struggle we have with sin may boil right down to that "it's all about me" attitude. No. It isn't. It's all about God and His glory, and when we focus on anything else, we wander.
But the prayer.... at the end of the story, Mariana goes to confession, and she says, "I confess to Almighty God . . . that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word, and deed, through my fault, through my most grievous fault..." (p. 328)
Through my most grievous fault.
Yes.
"But thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" - 2 Corinthians 9:15
Guilt is a horrible antithesis to grace. As a perfectionist who wrestles a good deal with feelings of inadequacy and hates failure with a passion, I find myself in the guilt cycle a lot... knowing there's grace, but struggling to accept it, somehow thinking that if I just beat myself up a little more, it'll somehow atone for the fact that I was an idiot. God is continuing to remind me, even this morning, that I really need to knock it off. It isn't true; beating myself up over the things I've failed at will not help. Wallowing in my guilt will do nothing but focus me in on myself. But looking at Him - fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2) - will do everything to help.
Years ago when I first became a Christian, a couple of counselors at the camp I attended pulled an all-nighter and prayed for the 5 of us that had come to Christ that year and in whom they had invested. They got us each a Bible, and asked God to give them verses that would speak into and mark our lives in the future, and He did. They called it the "Emergency Scripture List" and I cannot tell you how many times in the half a lifetime that I've been following Christ I have turned to that list and found exactly what I needed. (Funny how God works that way - His Word meeting our needs....lol.) Toward the bottom of the page, they had written out 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And next to that, they wrote "-- a promise that NO ONE can wear out!!!"
No one can wear it out... it is as true today as it was yesterday. All I have to do is own up to what I've done, where I've erred, how I've failed to be faithful to Him and turned to myself or whatever it is - and He will be faithful (for He cannot disown Himself, and He lives in me by grace). And not only will He forgive me - but He'll also purify me. Sometimes that hurts like hell. Fire is hot, and silver needs to be melted to be purified. Sometimes the flowers need to be crushed a bit to emit a sweeter fragrance. The metaphors could go on and on, but you get the idea... Purification is a process that takes time and can be relatively unpleasant sometimes. But oh! The end product - being like Christ - is so worth it.
There is a beautiful confessional prayer I found years ago in one of Madeleine L'Engle's books, The Love Letters. The story, as I remember it, is that of a nun named Mariana who falls madly in love with a man who, by virtue of her devotion to Christ, is off-limits. They have an affair, and the story tells of her struggle with her feelings and her knowledge of right and wrong, and deals with all kinds of issues surrounding sin and grace - and there are two bits of the story that are kicking around in my head. (Spoiler alert!!! For those who want to stop reading...) :)
One is something I think the nun wrote to the man at the end of the story. "I have discovered that you yourself were less important to me than my own passion." (p. 314) Wow. Doesn't that just sum it up right there? Any struggle we have with sin may boil right down to that "it's all about me" attitude. No. It isn't. It's all about God and His glory, and when we focus on anything else, we wander.
But the prayer.... at the end of the story, Mariana goes to confession, and she says, "I confess to Almighty God . . . that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word, and deed, through my fault, through my most grievous fault..." (p. 328)
Through my most grievous fault.
Yes.
"But thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" - 2 Corinthians 9:15
amazing grace and unadulterated hope
So much for being unaccounted for. :)
HT: ASBO Jesus
Jon called it "unadulterated hope." I love that. It sounds so... pure. sweet. innocent. the way it should be....
of course that does beg the question... what does adulterated hope look like? And how (or where) do we find unadulterated hope? Feel free to discuss in my absence. :)
HT: ASBO JesusJon called it "unadulterated hope." I love that. It sounds so... pure. sweet. innocent. the way it should be....
of course that does beg the question... what does adulterated hope look like? And how (or where) do we find unadulterated hope? Feel free to discuss in my absence. :)
going to war
I led worship with my shoes on tonight.
It was the weirdest thing... I took them off to go get onstage and I felt ... I don't know, I just felt like I should put them back on. So I did. And I went to war.
I had a couple of personal wars to wage tonight, one for a friendship that's a bit on the fritz, and one for my freedom from something with which I am wrestling. But mostly I went to war for our people. We sang a song tonight called "The Lord Is Gracious and Compassionate" and I felt in my soul a conviction that we were not really believing that. So I challenged that, and declared God's Word to be the truth, and asked our people to stand and to go after it - and we sang at the top of our lungs that as far as the east is from the west, that's how far God has removed our transgressions from us.
Do you know how far that is? You can't get there - it's so far, it doesn't exist.... that's where God puts our sin. It's gone. How incredibly freeing is that?!?! Whatever it was that separated you from the Lord today - or whatever tried to - it can't, because it doesn't exist anymore. All our sin is atoned for - it's done, it's finished. He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love.
I am told that there was a good deal of freedom in the room tonight. I hope so. :) I was rather caught in the haze of battle... but it was good to be there. With my boots on. Going to war.
Check out 2 Chronicles 20:1-30 today, if you get a chance. It's a cool story - and one that I want to meditate on. What drew me to it tonight was the idea that as the musicians went out at the head of the army and sang and praised the LORD, God went to war for His people. And He was so successful that while the army marched to war - when they got there, there was nothing left to do. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you." (v. 17)
I took my place tonight, and I am watching now to see His deliverance. Praise the LORD, o my soul; praise the LORD.
It was the weirdest thing... I took them off to go get onstage and I felt ... I don't know, I just felt like I should put them back on. So I did. And I went to war.
I had a couple of personal wars to wage tonight, one for a friendship that's a bit on the fritz, and one for my freedom from something with which I am wrestling. But mostly I went to war for our people. We sang a song tonight called "The Lord Is Gracious and Compassionate" and I felt in my soul a conviction that we were not really believing that. So I challenged that, and declared God's Word to be the truth, and asked our people to stand and to go after it - and we sang at the top of our lungs that as far as the east is from the west, that's how far God has removed our transgressions from us.
Do you know how far that is? You can't get there - it's so far, it doesn't exist.... that's where God puts our sin. It's gone. How incredibly freeing is that?!?! Whatever it was that separated you from the Lord today - or whatever tried to - it can't, because it doesn't exist anymore. All our sin is atoned for - it's done, it's finished. He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love.
I am told that there was a good deal of freedom in the room tonight. I hope so. :) I was rather caught in the haze of battle... but it was good to be there. With my boots on. Going to war.
Check out 2 Chronicles 20:1-30 today, if you get a chance. It's a cool story - and one that I want to meditate on. What drew me to it tonight was the idea that as the musicians went out at the head of the army and sang and praised the LORD, God went to war for His people. And He was so successful that while the army marched to war - when they got there, there was nothing left to do. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you." (v. 17)
I took my place tonight, and I am watching now to see His deliverance. Praise the LORD, o my soul; praise the LORD.
an open letter
to my anonymous friend who commented on my post yesterday
"Most women need a room of their own, even if it is outside their home." - Germaine Greer
A Fundamental Shift is my room. It is where I come to sort out all the shifting that goes on in my heart and my soul and my head. The Shift has an open door; anyone can come and visit, and anyone may say what they like about what I have to say. Until now, I've never felt even slightly uncomfortable with that.
Today I actually took down a post because of something you said. Obviously, I've put it back up, but it was almost instinct to withdraw. I seriously thought about deleting your comment altogether, but then I thought... no. Let's see what comes of this. A small skirmish over Tennyson's merits wasn't quite what I expected. :) But there it is.
So let's dispense with Tennyson and get that over with: "Ours is not to question why; ours is but to do and die." ???? No. I will stand with Job on this one: "But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God." (Job 13:3)
Have you read Isaiah 43:1-44:5? Check out 43:26 - "Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence." In the context of addressing their sin, and explaining how He's going to save them from it, God still invites His people to come and talk to Him. Abraham argues with God to save Sodom (Genesis 18:16-33) and while God still destroys the city, He never expresses displeasure with Abraham's questioning. And in Hebrews 4:16, we are invited to "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." If what we need is an answer, I doubt God will turn us away. "In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence." (Ephesians 3:12) As adopted sons and daughters of God, we've been given the right to go to Him, just as we are, completely fallen - but "the wise trip on grace," as the song has it (it's "All Fall Down" - I can't remember who sings it... Erin O'Donnell, maybe?). And it is what I've tried to do here.
No. I do not need to understand God's plan in order to obey it. I do, however, need to know what it is. You can't do what you don't know to do. Every child needs the security of knowing where the boundaries are, and they will test them boldly to make sure they are where they're expected to be. I am no different.
I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether it is still okay for me to not wear shoes on stage. I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether my friend who had the guts to look me in the eye and say, "look, this is idolatry" - is right. It sounded right on. He had a point. But he can't know my heart. He can only make an educated guess. He's usually dead on about me - especially when I don't want him to be. But I'm not sure about this...
And that is all I've been trying to say. I don't really give a rip what anyone - even my elders, honestly - think about me leading sockfoot. This has always been between me and Jesus - something we have that's unique to our relationship. Because I can honestly say that I worship with my shoes on - when I'm biking, or reading, or taking a walk on the beach to watch the sunset - I'm not sure it can be claimed that I must be sockfoot in order to worship... yes, it's an issue in church sanctuaries, but that's the only place it is. And to be honest, I really think I have some pretty solid reasons (as listed in the link back to last year's post on the issue) for that.
I think the logic as to why the leaders want me to wear my shoes is a little off - tho not in its heart, mind you. I know that they genuinely want people to encounter the Lord. What concerns me about it is all the logical conclusions you could take it to, and it leaves me wondering where it ends: if you use any criteria other than "this is a biblical form of worship and therefore acceptable practice" to determine what does and doesn't happen on stage, you run into a lot of subjectivity. I'm personally really distracted when someone wears baggy shorts that are practically falling off or socks with sandals - but if they're comfy in God's house, and obviously enjoying God's presence, then I'll shut my eyes and praise God that they're meeting with Him. Yes, we need some sort of a dress code, but seriously... socks with sandals are much worse than my very surreptitious black socks. but there we go, being subjective...
And at the end of the day, it's arguing semantics. Do I disagree with them? Yes. Do I think they're out of line asking me to do what they think is best? NO. Do I want to argue with them about it? You bet I do. Am I going to? Probably not. What I am going to do is the right thing to do: I am going to wear my shoes. And I am going to worship. I am going to worship the way I did last night - BY CHOICE.
We sang this song last night at Torch called "Waste My Life" by Misty Edwards. It says, "I am in love with You; there is no cost. I am in love with You; there is no loss. I am in love with You; I want to take Your Name. I am in love with You; just let me cling to You, Jesus."
I had a really hard time singing it at first. I don't feel like I'm in love with God. I know I am, but I don't feel like it. Instead, I feel like we're arguing, and I don't know exactly about what. I've known, as Sara pointed out, that there is something in all of this that I am still missing. Something I'm to learn, to understand, to finally GET that I haven't yet. I want to know what that is, and I want to know it sooner than later. So I am arguing. I am worrying this issue to death. I am not letting it go. I am knocking, seeking, asking continually and wearing myself out in the process. But this is something I need to know. In some odd way, the very wrestling that I am doing right now is sort of an act of worship... I am declaring, through my struggle, that God is worthy of my worship, and that I want the worship I bring to Him to be acceptable. To be offered up in spirit and truth. To do that, to worship that way - is why I need to know His heart on the matter, and the truth about whether or not I'm an idolater or a follower of Christ.
And I am not condemning anyone, my friend. Or if I am, it is only myself - for my failure to learn the lesson I'm supposed to more quickly. Or less publicly, maybe.
My friend who thinks I'm an idolater... what I appreciate so about him are his courage in saying it to my face, and his honesty about his own struggles in his walk. He's recently been in a place where he's felt so emotionally distant from God that it's made him want to weep at times. He's bewildered by that seeming "absence" of presence... but he's pressing on. God has still been speaking to him, and working in his life in some pretty amazing ways - and he can see it, but doesn't feel it (or hasn't felt it) the way he's wanted to. So I know that at least on some level he knows what I mean when I say, "I find myself unable to worship." Tho I probably didn't explain it to him very well. What I mean by that is simply that I don't feel the emotional connection I am accustomed to feeling when I lead worship. There's a weird disconnect going on - and there has been for a few weeks. It's like I'm objectively watching myself grow as a worship leader and engage more freely - and I'm not actually doing it... but I am. I just don't feel it the way I want to. And the shoes question has made it worse. Because I want to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing to honor His heart, and I'm not sure what it is, because I'm not sure if this little ritual is wrong or not....
Every couple has their own special things. Jesus and I have always had this. Being asked to give it up is hard. It's an honest struggle. Having someone I love and trust say that it shouldn't be a struggle at all has made me seriously question. So I am seriously questioning. Out loud. In my room.
And you attacked me. Or I felt that you did.
The way you wrote about the situation makes me think you are someone I know. I'm not going to call you out here in my room. But I'd appreciate it if you'd email or call or something and at least give me the courtesy of knowing who you are. And if you're not... well. You are still welcome in my room, and I can't make you state your name. You can hang around as anonymously as you want. But please be careful with how you phrase things. Even if you believed what you said about me condemning people... you could've found a way to say that in love that mightn't have hurt quite as badly as it did.
(HT: ASBO Jesus)
And trust? I'm with Job on that, too... Job 13:15 - "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
He's welcome to set me straight. In some ways He already has. And I'm sure there are still things I'm missing. But I know He loves me, and will give me the mercy and grace I need - both to get through this struggle, and to lead with my shoes on. At least for one weekend, anyway.
"Most women need a room of their own, even if it is outside their home." - Germaine Greer
A Fundamental Shift is my room. It is where I come to sort out all the shifting that goes on in my heart and my soul and my head. The Shift has an open door; anyone can come and visit, and anyone may say what they like about what I have to say. Until now, I've never felt even slightly uncomfortable with that.
Today I actually took down a post because of something you said. Obviously, I've put it back up, but it was almost instinct to withdraw. I seriously thought about deleting your comment altogether, but then I thought... no. Let's see what comes of this. A small skirmish over Tennyson's merits wasn't quite what I expected. :) But there it is.
So let's dispense with Tennyson and get that over with: "Ours is not to question why; ours is but to do and die." ???? No. I will stand with Job on this one: "But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God." (Job 13:3)
Have you read Isaiah 43:1-44:5? Check out 43:26 - "Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence." In the context of addressing their sin, and explaining how He's going to save them from it, God still invites His people to come and talk to Him. Abraham argues with God to save Sodom (Genesis 18:16-33) and while God still destroys the city, He never expresses displeasure with Abraham's questioning. And in Hebrews 4:16, we are invited to "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." If what we need is an answer, I doubt God will turn us away. "In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence." (Ephesians 3:12) As adopted sons and daughters of God, we've been given the right to go to Him, just as we are, completely fallen - but "the wise trip on grace," as the song has it (it's "All Fall Down" - I can't remember who sings it... Erin O'Donnell, maybe?). And it is what I've tried to do here.
No. I do not need to understand God's plan in order to obey it. I do, however, need to know what it is. You can't do what you don't know to do. Every child needs the security of knowing where the boundaries are, and they will test them boldly to make sure they are where they're expected to be. I am no different.
I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether it is still okay for me to not wear shoes on stage. I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether my friend who had the guts to look me in the eye and say, "look, this is idolatry" - is right. It sounded right on. He had a point. But he can't know my heart. He can only make an educated guess. He's usually dead on about me - especially when I don't want him to be. But I'm not sure about this...
And that is all I've been trying to say. I don't really give a rip what anyone - even my elders, honestly - think about me leading sockfoot. This has always been between me and Jesus - something we have that's unique to our relationship. Because I can honestly say that I worship with my shoes on - when I'm biking, or reading, or taking a walk on the beach to watch the sunset - I'm not sure it can be claimed that I must be sockfoot in order to worship... yes, it's an issue in church sanctuaries, but that's the only place it is. And to be honest, I really think I have some pretty solid reasons (as listed in the link back to last year's post on the issue) for that.
I think the logic as to why the leaders want me to wear my shoes is a little off - tho not in its heart, mind you. I know that they genuinely want people to encounter the Lord. What concerns me about it is all the logical conclusions you could take it to, and it leaves me wondering where it ends: if you use any criteria other than "this is a biblical form of worship and therefore acceptable practice" to determine what does and doesn't happen on stage, you run into a lot of subjectivity. I'm personally really distracted when someone wears baggy shorts that are practically falling off or socks with sandals - but if they're comfy in God's house, and obviously enjoying God's presence, then I'll shut my eyes and praise God that they're meeting with Him. Yes, we need some sort of a dress code, but seriously... socks with sandals are much worse than my very surreptitious black socks. but there we go, being subjective...
And at the end of the day, it's arguing semantics. Do I disagree with them? Yes. Do I think they're out of line asking me to do what they think is best? NO. Do I want to argue with them about it? You bet I do. Am I going to? Probably not. What I am going to do is the right thing to do: I am going to wear my shoes. And I am going to worship. I am going to worship the way I did last night - BY CHOICE.
We sang this song last night at Torch called "Waste My Life" by Misty Edwards. It says, "I am in love with You; there is no cost. I am in love with You; there is no loss. I am in love with You; I want to take Your Name. I am in love with You; just let me cling to You, Jesus."
I had a really hard time singing it at first. I don't feel like I'm in love with God. I know I am, but I don't feel like it. Instead, I feel like we're arguing, and I don't know exactly about what. I've known, as Sara pointed out, that there is something in all of this that I am still missing. Something I'm to learn, to understand, to finally GET that I haven't yet. I want to know what that is, and I want to know it sooner than later. So I am arguing. I am worrying this issue to death. I am not letting it go. I am knocking, seeking, asking continually and wearing myself out in the process. But this is something I need to know. In some odd way, the very wrestling that I am doing right now is sort of an act of worship... I am declaring, through my struggle, that God is worthy of my worship, and that I want the worship I bring to Him to be acceptable. To be offered up in spirit and truth. To do that, to worship that way - is why I need to know His heart on the matter, and the truth about whether or not I'm an idolater or a follower of Christ.
And I am not condemning anyone, my friend. Or if I am, it is only myself - for my failure to learn the lesson I'm supposed to more quickly. Or less publicly, maybe.
My friend who thinks I'm an idolater... what I appreciate so about him are his courage in saying it to my face, and his honesty about his own struggles in his walk. He's recently been in a place where he's felt so emotionally distant from God that it's made him want to weep at times. He's bewildered by that seeming "absence" of presence... but he's pressing on. God has still been speaking to him, and working in his life in some pretty amazing ways - and he can see it, but doesn't feel it (or hasn't felt it) the way he's wanted to. So I know that at least on some level he knows what I mean when I say, "I find myself unable to worship." Tho I probably didn't explain it to him very well. What I mean by that is simply that I don't feel the emotional connection I am accustomed to feeling when I lead worship. There's a weird disconnect going on - and there has been for a few weeks. It's like I'm objectively watching myself grow as a worship leader and engage more freely - and I'm not actually doing it... but I am. I just don't feel it the way I want to. And the shoes question has made it worse. Because I want to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing to honor His heart, and I'm not sure what it is, because I'm not sure if this little ritual is wrong or not....
Every couple has their own special things. Jesus and I have always had this. Being asked to give it up is hard. It's an honest struggle. Having someone I love and trust say that it shouldn't be a struggle at all has made me seriously question. So I am seriously questioning. Out loud. In my room.
And you attacked me. Or I felt that you did.
The way you wrote about the situation makes me think you are someone I know. I'm not going to call you out here in my room. But I'd appreciate it if you'd email or call or something and at least give me the courtesy of knowing who you are. And if you're not... well. You are still welcome in my room, and I can't make you state your name. You can hang around as anonymously as you want. But please be careful with how you phrase things. Even if you believed what you said about me condemning people... you could've found a way to say that in love that mightn't have hurt quite as badly as it did.
(HT: ASBO Jesus)And trust? I'm with Job on that, too... Job 13:15 - "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
He's welcome to set me straight. In some ways He already has. And I'm sure there are still things I'm missing. But I know He loves me, and will give me the mercy and grace I need - both to get through this struggle, and to lead with my shoes on. At least for one weekend, anyway.
the praises of men
thoughts on honor and reputation
Mike, over at Simply A Night Owl, recently quoted Abraham Lincoln, who said this: "Character is like a tree and reputation is like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." That stuck with me, and I've been kicking it around in my head for a couple of days now.
It reminded me of something Rob (over at The Spyglass) said in one of his political posts that I actually read and sort of understood - applauding anyone really, for "caring about the reality of honor so much that you're willing to let your reputation swing in the wind." He goes on to say, "As the sci-fi/fantasy author Lois McMaster Bujold has one of her characters say, "Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself. Guard your honor; let your reputation fall where it may."
Reputation. Oh, my goodness... How often do we inadvertently get caught up in our concern for our reputation?
Jake quoted Rick Joyner from his book, The Prophetic Ministry, to me the other day as we were chatting: "If we are to accomplish the purposes of God, we must come to the level of maturity where "the love of Christ controls us" (2 Cor 5:14). Love does not take into account wrongs suffered and is not motivated by rejection, which drives us to retaliation or trying to prove ourselves."
To which I said, "Huh. I never thought about trying to prove myself being a reaction to rejection... tho i suppose that makes sense... preservation against it and all that... Part of this whole "being way too concerned with my reputation" thing that God's been driving home for months now is an almost desperate need to be understood- i knew both things existed, but i didn't realize they were connected until just now..." And I don't think I really had.
But it's true - I so just want people to "get" me, and it drives me crazy when I think they don't.
But reputation is just smoke and mirrors - illusion, subjective. And while I want people to think well of me, I need to become okay with the possibility that they won't. Not all people thought well of Jesus - but He didn't live for the praises of men, although He certainly deserved them. He lived for God's honor and glory, and that is how I want to live. It is how I want to be known by God - as a woman of honor and integrity, as someone who puts Him first, before anything or anyone else. And while I would love for the reputational shadow I cast to be representative of the honorable tree I would like to be (Psalm 1, Jeremiah 17:7-8) - I'd rather just be the tree... standing strong, being steady no matter what winds, storms, or whatnot may come, bringing God all the honor and glory due His Name for Who He is. I need to be living for His opinion of me, and not anyone else's. Until I really start doing that, I'm not going to be able to kick this fear of failure thing I've been wrestling with for years, and writing about since December.
So again I say, "Oh, Lord, help!" and "Thank You for grace."
Amen.
Mike, over at Simply A Night Owl, recently quoted Abraham Lincoln, who said this: "Character is like a tree and reputation is like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." That stuck with me, and I've been kicking it around in my head for a couple of days now.
It reminded me of something Rob (over at The Spyglass) said in one of his political posts that I actually read and sort of understood - applauding anyone really, for "caring about the reality of honor so much that you're willing to let your reputation swing in the wind." He goes on to say, "As the sci-fi/fantasy author Lois McMaster Bujold has one of her characters say, "Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself. Guard your honor; let your reputation fall where it may."
Reputation. Oh, my goodness... How often do we inadvertently get caught up in our concern for our reputation?
Jake quoted Rick Joyner from his book, The Prophetic Ministry, to me the other day as we were chatting: "If we are to accomplish the purposes of God, we must come to the level of maturity where "the love of Christ controls us" (2 Cor 5:14). Love does not take into account wrongs suffered and is not motivated by rejection, which drives us to retaliation or trying to prove ourselves."
To which I said, "Huh. I never thought about trying to prove myself being a reaction to rejection... tho i suppose that makes sense... preservation against it and all that... Part of this whole "being way too concerned with my reputation" thing that God's been driving home for months now is an almost desperate need to be understood- i knew both things existed, but i didn't realize they were connected until just now..." And I don't think I really had.
But it's true - I so just want people to "get" me, and it drives me crazy when I think they don't.
But reputation is just smoke and mirrors - illusion, subjective. And while I want people to think well of me, I need to become okay with the possibility that they won't. Not all people thought well of Jesus - but He didn't live for the praises of men, although He certainly deserved them. He lived for God's honor and glory, and that is how I want to live. It is how I want to be known by God - as a woman of honor and integrity, as someone who puts Him first, before anything or anyone else. And while I would love for the reputational shadow I cast to be representative of the honorable tree I would like to be (Psalm 1, Jeremiah 17:7-8) - I'd rather just be the tree... standing strong, being steady no matter what winds, storms, or whatnot may come, bringing God all the honor and glory due His Name for Who He is. I need to be living for His opinion of me, and not anyone else's. Until I really start doing that, I'm not going to be able to kick this fear of failure thing I've been wrestling with for years, and writing about since December.
So again I say, "Oh, Lord, help!" and "Thank You for grace."
Amen.
5:00AM Devos: Thankfulness - Day 3
I'm so far off my "brilliant" bandwagon, I can't see it for all the dust. *sigh* It's after 10:00am. But it's Saturday.... :)
Thankfulness - Day 3
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk, without money and without cost." - Isaiah 55:1
I am thankful for... grace.
I once heard grace described as an acronym for "God's Riches At Christ's Expense." It isn't free - it cost Him everything - but He gave it to us, without cost. And I am grateful, far more grateful than I think I'm even aware of sometimes, for that gift of grace. I don't think I generally fully comprehend the awfulness of my sin sometimes, nor the lengths to which He went to redeem me from it... but I've seen and understood enough to know that I would be totally - and deservingly - lost without Him.
Thank you, God, for your grace - both in saving me, and in the way you continue to save me daily. Thank you for Christmas - and for the gift of redemption that you gave us that day. I love you.
Thankfulness - Day 3
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk, without money and without cost." - Isaiah 55:1
I am thankful for... grace.
I once heard grace described as an acronym for "God's Riches At Christ's Expense." It isn't free - it cost Him everything - but He gave it to us, without cost. And I am grateful, far more grateful than I think I'm even aware of sometimes, for that gift of grace. I don't think I generally fully comprehend the awfulness of my sin sometimes, nor the lengths to which He went to redeem me from it... but I've seen and understood enough to know that I would be totally - and deservingly - lost without Him.
Thank you, God, for your grace - both in saving me, and in the way you continue to save me daily. Thank you for Christmas - and for the gift of redemption that you gave us that day. I love you.
a simple prayer
2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
This is a truth for which I am grateful tonight.
God, grant me the grace I need to be faithful and true to Your will and Your way.
Amen.
This is a truth for which I am grateful tonight.
God, grant me the grace I need to be faithful and true to Your will and Your way.
Amen.
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