random ramblings, vol. 12

it's been a month and a half (or more)?  how did that happen (again)?

so, quickly!  without further ado:  random ramblings, vol. 12:

1) on the gift of this rainy Sabbath Saturday, i've spent a lovely afternoon catching up on my blog crawl.  as ever, there was so much wisdom and encouragement to be found!  here are just a few of the posts i'd recommend:

- for those going through a tough season in ministry and feeling the weight of their calling: Carrying My Cross, by Kathryn over at Good in Parts  (i also loved her post on Mothering Sunday)

- wondering if that simple act of kindness you felt compelled toward will really matter?  it will.  check out this awesome video in Robb's post about Kindness

- on prayer and authenticity: hey, i'll pray for you by T at exfake.com

- on pretty-ing up the clutter (can't wait to borrow this idea for my desk!): Simple Clutter Buster: A Kids' Art Center from Wendy at The Shabby Nest

- on the creative process: 5 Brainstorming Techniques I Stole For You by Carlos Whittaker at Ragamuffin Soul

- for your theological entertainment: John vs. John: Stop the Presses: John Piper Thinks Christianity Is Masculine - John Stackhouse responds to yet another poorly argued point by John Piper (who does, by the way, love Jesus and means well, even when he (somewhat frequently) misses it, like the rest of us often do)

- for further theological entertainment: Moses Was A Wuss & Potential Viral Sensation by Aaron Earls, guest-posted on Jon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like

2) this year has been ...  well, insane.  as usual.  in somewhat unusual ways.  but its chief blessing thus far has been an absolutely unexpected and amazing friendship with an incredible man who speaks life, truth, encouragement and freedom into me on pretty much a daily basis.  #blessedbeyondmeasure
in truth: i'm not entirely sure i believe him when he says he gets a great friendship out of this, too - he's sure as heck seen a lot more of my dark side than i have of his! - but i am truly grateful for the gift that his friendship has become - and it's been a gift straight from heaven, no mistake

3) for the first time in years, i am taking a road trip with Jesus AND people.  lol.  a few of us are heading south for the first two days of spring break to the Catalyst conference in Alpharetta, GA.  can't wait - both for the fun that 28+ hours in a van with 5 soon-to-be-dearer friends will be, and for the breath of life and inspiration that the conference itself will be to our leadership team!

4) book reviews pending - i'm reading (or have read and not yet blogged about) a ton of inspirational stuff right now, and am looking forward to reviewing these books for you shortly:

Close Enough To Hear God Breathe - by Greg Paul
How I Changed My Mind About Women In Leadership - by a collection of prominent evangelicals
Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Exploring The Mystery of Friendship Between Men and Women - by Dan Brennan

5) Sabbath - can i just tell you how grateful i am for this day?!  because i am.

6) introvert meets pastoral ministry: ugh.  and ... oh, wow.  at the same time.  and not necessarily always in that order.  had an absolutely wonderful time last night, hanging out with two of my closest friends and a new friend: a woman from my church i'd only ever talked to once, but have found in such a short span of time to be such a kindred spirit.  can't wait to spend more time with her and her amazing family.  (after i recover from that many hours in the presence of actual people...)  ;-)

7) food. is. awesome.

there's nothing like fasting for an extended period of time to make you appreciate the nutritional gift and visible beauty that food does actually hold.  i am more grateful (halfway thru this current fast) for protein, color, and taste than i have been in a very long time.  looking forward to the wonderment that comes every summer during weekly trips to Stade's Farm, and to celebrating on every Sabbath Saturday the beauty of creation reflected in anything as simple and complex as the amazing meal we call "dinner"...

and there you have it.  random ramblings - (almost) concluded.

except i do have one final thing to say:

8) my friend-whom-i-have-never-met, Barry, paid me the highest compliment a few weeks ago (see the comments section of his post).  when i first "met" Barry, he was blogging at Honest Faith.  now he blogs at Atheos (Godless).  both blogs are well worth your time, regardless of what you believe.

an adjective-defying experience

i realize there's a bit of irony in using the compound adjective "adjective-defying" to describe my experience this weekend...  but i'm not sure there really is just one word that would work.   "awesome" doesn't quite touch it - tho it's close.

i went "home" this weekend.  home to a place where i now know very few people, home to a place that still brings me so much comfort and safety just by being in it.  i cheered (literally, out loud) when i crossed the Michigan border, and i kid you not, at one point about an hour later, i suddenly realized that i'd been grinning like an idiot for awhile... :)

i spent two glorious days in a luxury, eco-friendly hotel.

i ate - and ate - and ate! - amazing food: scrambled eggs, bacon, roasted potatoes, rye toast, flatbread pizza LOADED with feta and kalamata olives, chicken corn chowder, minestrone, fish and chips.

i had red wine and orange juice and hot buttered rum (my favorite espresso drink at the best coffee shop in the world).  i had an amazing cup of french-press coffee.

i spent time with two dear friends i haven't seen in years.

i worshiped with them and with some other friends at a church that has grown astronomically since the last time i was there.

i listened to beautiful music - classical, pop, worship, Irish (in the Irish pub where i had the fish and chips), and folk.

and i read.  an entire book.  cover to cover.  and it changed my life.  is changing.  will change.

there are no words that could ever completely describe these two days spent doing all these amazing, blessed and life-altering things with the Lord - but here are a few that just begin to get at it:

beautiful.  wonderful.  tough.  amazing.  unexpected.  lovely.  abundant.  peaceful.  right.  true.  dangerous.  blessed.  intimate.  challenging.  restful.  pure.  long.  short.  (far too short.)  lonely.  communal.  lush.  restorative.  informative.  formative.  social.  sweet.  transformative.  

i'm sure there are others that describe it as well.

i hope to be able to unpack some of it over the next few weeks.  stay tuned.

and in the meantime: go buy yourself a copy of Dan Allender's Sabbath...  i won't tell you that it will change your life.  but it did change mine.  and it's a good book.  

random ramblings, vol. 5

it's been over a year since my last post to the random ramblings series, so here you go: random ramblings, in no particular order of importance (if any).

1) did you know chaos is actually orderly?  i'm pretty sure it's true.  i read part of an entire book about it for my AP Calculus class in high school.  and no, i can't recall a single time i've ever used anything else i learned in AP Calculus.  (actually I can't recall much of anything else i learned in that class, either.)  but i did retain that random fact, and one other: cauliflower is self-similar.  if you don't believe me, go look at a head of cauliflower.  every little piece of the cauliflower looks like a miniature version of the larger head of cauliflower.

i am pretty sure i've remembered this mostly because cauliflower is such a cool word.  and i have a vague recollection of actually writing an entire philosophy of ministry paper using the self-similarity of cauliflower as a major introductory illustration.  i don't remember what i argued or why, but i remember doing it....  if i ever find the paper, i may revisit this random rambling.  :)

2) those of you who have been reading my blog for some time will be happy (i hope!) to note that (drum roll, please...): there is no longer a single (basket/ container/ drawer/ bag/ box/ what-have-you) of junk mail anywhere in my flat.  (insert cheering noises here.)  this has, unfortunately, had a negative impact on my kitchen table.  but being as how i have people over every now and again, the pile tends to be eradicated at least once every two weeks, which, as you know, is a drastic improvement over times past.  it's the little things in life...  :)

3) i am sorry to report that i am once again not making coffee in the mornings.  :(  i love coffee.  i love it dearly.  but even decaf is not sitting well these days.  sadness.  (sniff) but yay for Mayan Chocolate Tea.

4) i am reading a book entitled Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership (How To Become An Effective Leader by Confronting Potential Failures) by Gary L. McIntosh and Samuel D. Rima.  (i'm reading it for a book-club-ish type small group.)  it's actually not quite as gloom and doom as I feared from the title; lots of very interesting case studies.

but i'm about 3/4 of the way thru, and in the section you might consider "practical application," the authors are discussing the process by which you actually begin to deal with the darker side of your personality.  they've gone to great lengths to explain that having a dark side is normal, and that it's just part of being human.  now they're trying to take the edge off the fact that actually dealing with it can be (especially when you're starting out) a long and daunting, time-consuming, tough, emotional process - by explaining what the process doesn't entail.

And I quote:

the process does not require you to "utter cathartic screams of inner cleansing."

what does it say that I read that and felt disappointed?  lol.

personally, i think sometimes all you need is one great big long cathartic scream of inner cleansing.  it may not actually fix anything, but it IS actually somewhat cathartic.  (read - it makes you feel better.)  ;)

5) i have 22 lbs of apples in my kitchen, just waiting to be made into pies and applesauce.  YUM.

6) my third annual road trip with Jesus was awesome.  and it was in August.  i am sorry i did not take pictures this year, but i will still try to write about it a bit - hopefully this weekend.  :) 

7) i sat in a chair at a local coffee shop tonight that was labelled (by my friend) as "an epic fail."  who knew chairs could fail epically?  but this one did.  it looked like it was going to be an amazingly comfortable leather chair.  the sort you just sink into and don't want to get out of.  ever.

it wasn't.

timing is everything

So I will grant you that driving until almost 3 am was probably not the brightest thing I could possibly have done, but being in Geneva - an appropriate first stop - put me on a path that led me through the right places at the right times on Day 2. If i'd stopped driving four hours earlier on Day 1, I would have hit Vermont and New Hampshire in the dark, and missed everything.

I took the highway most of the way to New England, but about 2/3 of the way through New York, I got off the toll road and onto the back roads, and it was the best decision I ever made. And this, too, is life. Sometimes getting out of the fast lane and taking a more leisurely pace through life is exactly the best thing.

No, I didn't take a GPS. But I did take an outdated atlas. :) So I figured out - as I went - which roads to look for and how to get across each state - and the road I took out of New York and into Vermont led me straight through the Green Mountain National Forest.

It was as beautiful as I'd always heard it would be.

There's a spot on the side of the road where, on a clear day, you can see for 100 miles. It wasn't a clear day, but since (true to form) someone had built a store across the street, I stopped. I got maple syrup and maple sugar candy (and one piece did actually make it all the way home!) and a couple of post-cards that I will probably never actually get around to mailing. And I just stood there - in the rain - and looked.

And as I drove through the mountains, and simply soaked in the beauty of God's creativity displayed in the trees and rocks and skies around me, I felt myself slowly becoming myself again. Recklessly and ontologically me. At least for a couple of hours. I caught myself smiling for no reason at all. Came close to almost thinking nothing at all.

It was heavenly, resting while driving. And this is why I do it. I do love to travel, tho 12-14 hours a day in my car does feel like overdoing it a bit. But the peace that comes in those moments when it's just me and God and we're not working on anything or talking thru any issues, but just resting in the fact that He loves me and I love Him, and I'm in awe again of the God who paints with this kind of passion and creativity - it's totally worth it.

looking for... something

Landing in Geneva, New York - and remembering that sense of "you'll know it when you see it" that preceded landing there - reminds me in retrospect that this, too, is entirely like Him. We hear the words "I know the plans I have for you" quoted out of context and ad nauseum until it becomes a platitude - but the truth is, God did know the plans He had for Israel, and He still does. And likewise, the God who knows how much hair came out in my hairbrush today does indeed know where I'm going and how I'll get there. But to quote Andy Stanley, "direction determines destination," and we don't always need to know where we're going in order to get there. It's enough that He does. We just need to do what we can with what we've got and do our level best to head in the right direction. We will mess this up. It's okay. God knows all about that too, and has what to us will seem like a contingency plan, but really, was probably the plan all along because of all the valuable things we will learn along the way.

I have absolutely no clue what the "destination" of my life is right now - a.k.a. what I'm "destined" to do. There are hints, clues, ideas, guesses - vague thoughts and whispers of dreams - but no real place to head for at the moment. Nothing that I'm certain of. Except maybe going to Africa - but that's not for tomorrow, and I don't know what I'd do there yet.

And yes, I think destiny is partially of our own making, but I believe that's because God gives us the gifts and talents and calling and plans "coincidental" events and meetings between people and allows us to contribute to the making of our lives. Lately I've seen a lot of my gifts and talents begin to lay fallow, and the restlessness I've been feeling for months now has gotten tangled up with frustration and a little bit of depression that comes from not having any real vision to pursue, and my internal search for "what's next" has become a little more frantic. I've felt stifled. Lost. Incredibly sad. Disoriented. Not sure I'm headed in the right direction at all.

But just as following the signs I saw for a hotel did eventually lead me to one, through perseverance, a little faith, the kindness of a stranger who gave me directions when I stopped to ask for them, and the choice to be okay with the fact that I couldn't really see all that well in the dark as I journeyed toward - I didn't know what - so too in life. All I can do right now is go with what I know. The last signs I saw pointed me in this direction. I'm choosing to trust and be okay with the darkness - because I know there's Light here, too. And that stopping to ask for directions is okay. (I am doing that.) And wherever it is I'm going - I will get there eventually. It's disconcerting, yes - looking for something and not being sure what it is that I'm looking for. But I will know it when I see it. Because just like landing in Geneva - it will have His touch written all over it.

"you'll know it when you see it"

The first day of a road trip with Jesus tends to be a long drive day. I'm eager to get wherever I'm going - only sort of but not quite thinking about the fact that the journey is the destination. I know this in my head, but I'm still going somewhere, and I want to find out where. So I press on. Sometimes pretty late at night.

So I'm driving along on the highway, and I'm watching exit signs, and I notice something that amuses me... they've re-numbered their exits, but just to make sure you still know where you're going, there's a little sign under the bigger exit sign that says "Old Exit ---" with whatever number it used to be. How thoughtful! :)

I think I want to get off at Exit 47 - I'm pretty sure that's number I heard when I asked Him - so I'm watching the signs, and I go past Exit 45 - and I keep driving, thinking we're almost there - and then I see: Exit 61.

Did I miss something here?

But then I keep driving, and I realize after a while that the exit numbers are going down - 60, 59, 58, ... - I must be in another state. How did that happen? Okay, well, the numbers are going down, anyway, so we'll get to Exit 47 eventually, right?

So I keep driving. And driving. And driving. And it's past midnight and I'm tired. I see a sign for a motel that's only $30/night. I think about getting off the highway and seeing if they have any rooms. But didn't God say Exit 47? I'm not sure. And it's late. And I'm tired. But I really want to know for sure... I just feel this need to find out.

So I keep driving. And when we get to Exit 47 - there is pretty much nothing there.

Okay. So I heard wrong. This happens, especially when it involves numbers, lol. I'm okay with this, but it is now 2 am, and I am way past ready to sleep. So I start looking for signs. And at one of the next exits there is a sign that lists a couple of hotels and motels, and one of them is a name I know and trust, and I think - okay, I'll get off here. Go with what you know, right? So I did.

And found myself in the middle of nowhere.

Now one thing that is pretty great about driving through the middle of nowhere is you get a pretty good sense of the vastness of the universe and how very small you are. You also become pretty aware of how incredibly dark it is when there isn't any light. On a clear night, the stars are beautiful. But this is so not a clear night. It's raining. And I am in the middle of nowhere. And those hotels are nowhere to be found. Except the sign said to go this way....

So I keep driving, and praying, and wondering if I'm totally nuts, and I decide I will give this five more minutes. I am not sure that I've gotten this right, but I am sure that He has someplace for me to stay tonight. But how will I know?

"You'll know it when you see it."

And then, all of a sudden, I am in civilization. I am, in fact, in Geneva, New York.

I started to laugh. I couldn't help it.

"Geneva" is the name of a camp that I used to go to for 4-5 hour personal retreats every now and again. The first time I went, a friend of mine had booked me a day there because, he said, I needed to get away and do business with the Lord, and he was right - I did - and tho I didn't know it at the time, that day was the first step on a trajectory toward a deeper relationship with the Lord. My "Geneva days" (as I have continued to call them, in spite of the fact that I no longer go to that camp to take them) have become sacred, holy days of rest and communion with God. So of course I was in Geneva, New York for the first night of my trip. Of course.

It was so like Him.

open gates

i seriously considered not sharing this story, but since one of my goals for the year is greater transparency, here we are. happy-ness: in all of its silly, blonde-moment glory.

i will defend myself by saying that i did not know that the I-Pass and E-Z-Pass are the same thing. it seems to me that it all ought to have the same name if it's all the same thing. (and, by the way, the "fast lane" in Massachusetts is also the same thing, tho i learned that later.)

so i pull up to the first tollbooth in Ohio and i get in the "ticket" lane, and when i pull up to the toll booth, the gate goes up. but i do not have an "EZ-Pass" (or so i think) and so i assume that the gate has malfunctioned. (please keep in mind that it's been about 10 years since i took the toll roads to New England, and things have changed, as you laugh about this!)

the automated toll booth refuses to give me a ticket, and i don't know what to do, because i know (or think i know) that if i don't get a ticket now i will be in trouble on the far end of the tollway, and i am too honest to do this the wrong way. so i push the button for help, as the line of cars behind me lengthens and people start honking in irritation.

finally, a very nice woman comes across the highway and asks how she can help me. i explain that it won't give me a ticket, and she asks if i have a transponder. i'm sure the look of surprise on my face when i learned that I-Pass and EZ-Pass are pretty much the same thing convinced her that i honestly had no clue, and she was really nice about it, but she said, "it's fine. the gate goes up and you go thru." that's how it works, and i knew that, but i thought there was a mistake about the gate. talking to God about it later, i think honestly He was pleased that i was too honest to try to pull through without being sure it was okay - tho i did feel a little silly. but i learned something in that moment.

open gates are meant to be gone thru. the gates referred to in the Bible are often either city gates or the gates of the Lord's temple - and when they are open, people go thru, and when they are shut, they are meant to keep people out. In Isaiah 60:18, God says that we will call our walls salvation and our gates praise, and as I thought about that, driving thru Ohio, i realized that often i do not treat praise as the open gate that it is to God's presence. but it's true, isn't it? that when we praise Him for who He is and for what He's done in our lives, we stop thinking so much about ourselves and our vision is so much clearer for having looked on Him for awhile.

God also names his gates, and one of the gates in the temple in Jerusalem was called Beautiful. Beauty is an open gate to His temple - and there is so much beauty everywhere, if we will just slow down enough to notice it. Beauty ushers us into His presence, and whether it's the beauty of creation, or the beauty of watching two people in love look at each other, or the beauty of a tremendous musical composition - these too are gates into His presence. And when the gate is open, you're supposed to go through it.

And this is life. I need to be more on the lookout for open gates than I have been, and when I find them - I need to go through. Without hesitation.

and this is life

I would like to tell you that my road trip with Jesus was amazing. Peaceful, joy-filled, fun, adventurous, packed with intimate conversation with the Lord.

It was all of those things.

But it was also incredibly hard.

Spend 4 days alone in a car with Jesus, and it's pretty likely that eventually you'll run into yourself, in all of your miserable, sin-tainted fallenness. And I did. It was pretty hideous. But oh, the grace with which He met me there!

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I suppose I should start from the beginning and go from there...

I think I left with a bit of fear that this year's trip would not be as amazing as last year's trip. It wasn't. And it was. And it wasn't. There really isn't a comparison to be made, except that they were both road trips with Jesus. But if last year's trip was about rest and learning to abide in Him at all times, being at rest, no matter what the current pace of life, this one was about life being a journey, and taking it as it comes, good, bad, and in-between. It was also, I think, about finding peace. I'm not sure. I think, as with last year's trip, I will come to understand far more a few months out from here than I could possibly understand now.

But it was good. Amazing. Terrible. Great. Breathtaking. Heart-breaking. Perfect. Confusing. Wonderful. Beautiful. Long. And way too short.

It was what it was.

And this is life. It's a journey, long and far too short - full of heartbreak and trial and breathtaking moments of beauty.

Just before I left, my friend Amanda and I took a day trip up to Michigan to get coffee at J.P.'s and pick apples and buy donuts (yes, seriously, that's all we went for) - and we found this sign at a store that said "The journey is the destination."

"You should get that. It's so you," she said.

"I know. How much is it?"

"It's $42.00." (moment of thought.) "But you could totally make that."

I really might.

a fitting benediction

I'm off this week for what I hope is going to become my annual road trip with Jesus. :) This year I am headed towards Maine (as soon as I finish packing) and I had to laugh - when I asked my mechanic if my car could make the trip (she's getting a little old), he kind of looked at me funny, and then he said, "Well, as long as you don't hit no mooses or nothin', you should be okay."

And he didn't even know about the bison....

It seemed a fitting benediction.

So I'm off, to really only He-knows-where, to learn whatever it is that I will learn and to get quiet for awhile. I am really looking forward to it, and I can already feel myself slowly beginning to unwind. Yay. :) It is going to be a wonderful week. And I am sure I will have new stories to tell when I come home. (Hopefully relatively wildlife-free.) :)

rainbows and promises

I left the waterfall completely at peace. It had, thus far, been a good trip - not without its less fortunate moments (lol...) but good. I was ready to go home.

One of the things that completely blows me away about God is the incredible vastness of His creativity. The landscapes for a majority of this trip were absolutely breathtaking. There were actually times when I simply felt exhausted (particularly in Yellowstone) by the beauty that surrounded me - I was completely overwhelmed by it, and couldn't take in anything else. (This may have had something to do with the altitude too, but I don't really think so.) ;)

The drive back through Montana was just as lovely as it had been on the way to the Park. And then there was Wyoming (I took a different route home). Do you know, the phrase "rolling hills"? I get that now. There really doesn't seem to be a better way to describe it. And the big sky of Montana (they were so not kidding about that!) follows you a good way through Wyoming. It was so incredibly, achingly beautiful. I could totally live there - if it weren't for the snakes...

I drove into a rainstorm in Wyoming, and the cool thing about that was that I could see it raining up ahead for miles before I ever actually got there. And behind me, the sun was just starting to go down. Perfect rainbow conditions, wouldn't you say? The same sort of thing had happened in Montana on the way out - I actually, there, drove under the corner of a storm system - it was so cool - blue skies all around it - which I guess is true of any storm really, but how often do you get to see that from the ground? (The rainbow pictured above is actually the one I saw there.)

I was praying, at that point of the trip, about a situation back home that had been bugging me a fair bit (okay, truthfully, I was imagining what I would say to someone whom I knew would ask me about it when I got home, realized what I was doing (having a conversation with someone who was not there) and turned it to prayer), and I felt like God was saying, "Hap, it's going to be okay about - (the situation)" and my response to that was, "okay, I trust You," and then I looked out the window and there was a rainbow in the skies, and I thought, wow, that was cool timing; thanks, God!

And then I kept thinking about the situation... about how much what so-and-so had said had really hurt, etc. - and I started to get upset about it - and it started to rain. Remember back when I was working on that (still unfinished song) for the widow of Zarephath? That whole concept of asking God to send the rain has really stuck with me - I was talking with a friend about the widow's story months ago, and my friend observed that God had provided for this woman so faithfully on a day-to-day basis, but that what she really needed was the rain - and that tension between knowing that what you have is enough for today but still waiting for something else really resonated with me - and for this situation, I started asking God to send His rain - at least metaphorically - but you wouldn't believe how often it's rained at significant moments over the past two months. Maybe it's all coincidence. Maybe it's not. At any rate, this moment really didn't feel like coincidence.

I looked over at the rainbow, and it was now a double rainbow. And in case I hadn't gotten the point - the highway turned just then, and I could see both sides of the double rainbow. It was amazing. I don't know what "it'll be okay" looks like in terms of practical reality - but I believe it. :)

waterfalls and romance

Somehow on the morning of Day 4, tho there are very few intersections (and very few roads) in Yellowstone National Park, I managed to get on the wrong road. (Those of you who know me personally and know how par for the course this is may stop snickering now.) I'd suspected that such was the case for awhile, as I was not seeing signs for things for which I expected to see signs... so I finally pulled over, and looked at the map. At that point, it would have taken me a really long time to get down to Lewis Lake for the quiet morning I'd planned to spend there. So I sat in my car and debated... looked at the map again, saw there were a few waterfalls ahead eventually, and decided that one of them would do. This turned out to be an excellent decision, as one of the best moments of the trip was right up that road.

This is Undine Falls. I'm not sure when I've been in a more perfect moment than the time I spent by the falls. The roar of the water, the cool mountain breeze, the birdsong, the sunshine - and a trail to hike. I took it, of course, and soon came to a "crossroads" of sorts... the trail continued on the other side of a fallen tree I could have climbed over; it also looped back to the overlook around a rock. I chose that rock as my meeting place with God, and took a seat. Spent a while just soaking it in. Read the story of Joash and Jehoiada (2 Chronicles 24). Thought about it. Prayed. Rested. Became - as Madeleine L'Engle would say - simply my ontological self. Picked up the book I'd started the night before: Walking With God, by John Eldredge. It was perfect timing.

As I was sitting on that rock, any number of people came past - most either walked around behind the rock or continued on over the tree and down the trail. But for whatever reason, two people, at one point, actually came and walked around in front of me. (The trail there was narrower, sloped, closer to the edge of the ravine and uneven footing, but I will grant you, the view was a little better.) They were an older couple - probably in their mid-late '60s - he was still fairly spry, but she was having a little difficulty managing this part of the trail. He stopped a few feet away from me to wait for her, watching the falls, then noticed she needed help. She handed him their camera, and then he reached out for her - and there was just something in the way their hands met, and the way he helped her up that last bit of the trail - I felt I had just witnessed an incredibly holy moment - and the coolest part of it was that I didn't feel like an intruder. This was something I was meant to see. They stood there for a minute, admiring the view, and then continued up the trail. And I... I simply sat there. And wept. Just for a minute. Because it was such a beautiful thing to have seen, in this beautiful, perfect moment.

And because there was something about that moment that touched a chord deep in my heart... the same chord that was struck weeks ago, as I was walking through a local park, and saw an old man pushing his wife through the park in her wheelchair... the same chord that was resonating when I wrote Sparks...

I went back to my book. Read some things on p. 36-37 that (totally out of context) spoke to my heart in that moment. And then the breeze kicked up a bit... and I just knew. God had heard that chord.

And, in fact, He's the One who played it...

finding a home, part the second

It was mid-afternoon when I left the Norris Geyser basin and hit the road again. I drove past Old Faithful - thought about stopping to see it, and decided that it was more important to find a place to stay first; I could always come back. This was before I realized how long I'd be in the car looking for a place to stay...

The thing about Yellowstone is that it's about 40 miles between every major intersection - lots of really cool sights along the road on both sides, mind you - and the speed limit is understandably fairly mild (in comparison to the highways in the surrounding states!) - so it took awhile to get where I was going... When I first looked at the map, and prayed, asking God where I should stay, I felt a pull toward Lewis Lake... so I headed there.


It was worth the drive. Isn't this beautiful?! I could've stayed here for hours, and I would have given a lot to sit on this shore and watch the sun go down - or come up. :) There was just one small problem with my grand plan to camp by this lake...

Several feet of snow.

Yep. Middle of June, and the campground was completely snowed under. Time for Plan B... (God, I thought You said something about this lake? Did I miss something? I mean, it's beautiful, and I want to come back here tomorrow, but oh my goodness... I really thought... wow. Now what?) So I looked at the map, and started driving to the nearest campsite... which was over half an hour away... and it was late afternoon already.

Stop #1 - the campground at Grant Village. "I'm sorry, we're full. And I know all the hotels and lodges in the entire park are booked for tonight. But check with lodging... they should be able to tell you if there's been any cancellations or if there's a site somewhere open..." All day long, I thought I knew where I was going; I thought God said He had this. What was I going to do?!

Stop #2 - Lodging. "Nope, we're full, but we can make some phone calls and see if anybody's got anything. Don't try here, or here... or here, they're full... what about? no, they're full, too. Ah, excellent - there's three sites left in Canyon. But they said you'd have to call and make a reservation." They call the central desk which may possibly be in Texas... they can't get thru. "We'll try again in a few." They look for other numbers. They are very helpful, but not overly efficient - of course, it's the end of the day, and they have beds to go home to... and I have an attitude. What is wrong with me? Get a grip, Hap. God said He had this. "Ah, we're thru -- aaaannd, we're on hold." More people come around. "Still nothing? Hm. Well, look on this map. See here, just outside the park? You could camp here for free. I mean, you'd have to dig a pit toilet, and there's no lights or anything - it's just a field. And there's probably a lot of bears about, but at least it's someplace..."

(This is my first camping experience on my own. I'd rather not be eaten by a bear. That would sort of suck. Kind of like getting trampled by a bison. "What did you do on your summer vacation?" "Um...." yeah... I think I'd like to stay in the Park.)

"Well, what about over here?" the same girl helpfully suggests. "I've never seen bears over there. Same thing - no toilets, just a field - it's not a campground or anything, but there's no sign that says you can't camp there, so I'm sure it would be fine. And if you're scared of bears, that's the end of the park to head for. I've not seen very many over there, just a lot of moose..."

At which point, someone else looks at her, and says, "Will you shut up? You're scaring her!"

And I start to hyperventilate.

I'm not kidding, I actually at that point in time started to have a panic attack. I haven't had one that bad in over a year - and I've never had them often or anything - but in high stress situations they can happen, and it happened then. The room started to close in, and I could barely breathe, much less stand up, and I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or throw up. So I said, "excuse me, I need to sit down!" and concentrated on breathing and prayed hard for the grace to get thru this, and asked God to please help. "I need to go sleep, God. I'm exhausted."

And He came through. I got a reservation - at that point, probably the last site in the park, and drove the 40 minutes up to Canyon Campground. Checked in, signed the disclaimer about the bears.

me (to the elderly gentleman who checked me in): "Um... really? there's bears?"

the man: "Nah. I mean we saw a lot of them a week ago, but now that there's people around all the time, they don't really bother you all that much."

me: (heaving a sigh of relief and speaking without thinking) "oh good. because this is the first time i've ever camped by myself and that would really suck."

the man: (blinks in surprise, grins) "yeah. that would suck."

So he explained in great detail about how to minimize the chances of a bear visiting you. And I drove to my campsite. I pulled into the parking space and just sat there, looking at it. Yep. This is it. "You have got to be kidding." I think I actually said that out loud...

This isn't even all the snow...

I had two options. I could set up my tent over there and tromp thru a snow drift (in which, when I did tromp through it, I sank in up to my knee - and I was wearing shorts. It was cold...) to get out and to the road. (I was fortuitously very close to the rest rooms.) Or I could set up in the just enough space between snow banks at the very edge of the campsite. Close to the road (less likely to be pestered by bears, i hoped). It was rather scrunched - but the firepit was too wet to build a fire in anyway, and i wasn't going to eat at the table... so I got to work. And a very nice man from Minnesota named Scott watched me with a bit of amusement and then came over to help me set up my tent. "Are you sure you want it here?" "Yep." And I explained about the bears. "Well, if they bother you, we're right over there." "Oh, don't worry. You'll hear me!"

So, this is the view from the front door of my tent. That, right there, all that water - we nicknamed that "the little Yellowstone River." "You can tell all your friends you survived bears and camped by a river," said Scott. "And a bison," I added.

That night, I crawled into my tent around 8:00 or so, completely exhausted - and faced my faithlessness. "I told you I had it." "I know, Lord. I should have trusted You. Um. It's going to be 28 degrees tonight." "You'll be fine." "Ok..."

And I met with God. I read the Word, I journalled a bit, I started a book that I think may literally be life-changing... and for a couple of hours that soggy little patch of ground became incredibly holy. And I was home.

finding a home, part the first

Day 3. I looked at the atlas that morning, and I thought, okay. I can spend another 6-8 hours in the car and drive all the way from Billings to Glacier, have a day there, and a three-day drive back... OR I can drive 4-5 hours from here to Yellowstone and have 2 days there, and only 2.5 days to drive back.... hm. God, would it be alright? And what I felt from the Lord in that moment was pretty much something along the lines of, "Hap, I don't really care where we are. This is about you and me being together. Yellowstone is fine. Let's go."

So I went to Yellowstone National Park. I took the interstate a ways across Montana, stopped in the last "big" town for gas and coffee just in case - and hit the back roads towards Yellowstone. The drive in was stunning -I got stopped for construction but actually enjoyed it, as I was in a pretty spot overlooking a river that you could actually hear if you listened over the construction noises. And there were any number of what you could actually call "vistas" and not be the slightest bit cheesy... And then there was the Park itself.

Lol... the first thing I noticed is that there are an extraordinary number of bison in Yellowstone National Park. It actually became laughable by the end of the trip, how many completely unconcerned bison there are in the world...

I stopped and hiked the Norris Geyser basin. That was fun. It was so good to be out of the car!!! Unfortunately not all my pictures turned out very well... but there are a few things I remember distinctly from that bit of my trip:


1) a jackrabbit (it was enormous) bounding thru the brush on the side of the trail that totally freaked me out (because i was alone and because of the bison and the new possibility that it might (because of my current location) be a bear... ("ooo, see the bunnies" has new connotations now...lol)

2) wildflowers growing at the edges of extremely hot pools of water - what incredible tenacity in the midst of such barrenness! (i want to be like that... which, oddly enough, reminds me of one of my favorite songs, and when i went just now to read the lyrics, they totally floored me... but... well, that's a whole different post someday, i think!)

3) what happened at the Steamboat geyser...

I stopped and read the sign at the Steamboat Geyser - all the usual educational whatnot. The geyser is very sporadic - mostly issues steam, with occasional bursts of water, not much over 5-10 feet usually.... it wasn't doing much. I didn't really expect it to. But I said in my heart to the Lord, "Gee, God, it would be really cool if it went off while I was here," and then I headed down the steps to see where the boardwalk led next. Where it led was to a platform with an even better view of the geyser, and God said, "I could show off for you a little bit. Hang out for a second." So I paused on the platform and watched - and it totally blew. It was so cool... I don't know - call me crazy, but I think that conversation actually happened. And it was such a sweet moment. To be so loved by the God of the Universe that He actually blew off a little steam to impress me... (it worked). :) I felt so ... ridiculously cherished ... just then. It was fun. Me and Jesus, hiking through the wilderness, thinking about plate tectonics and everything under the earth's surface shifting and moving, the heat of the earth's core... it was a place where beauty and barrenness clashed, and the truth of God's Word about creation groaning was evident.

and someday, it will all be made new... someday, we'll be home - and we'll live on the earth as it was always meant to be... i wonder what it will really be like...

Jon Birch has a post up that sparked some conversation on this very subject...

listening for God (or how to outrun a bison)

So the second day was a looooong drive. I spent a good portion of the day in North Dakota, and learned a couple of things:

1) it is very important (judging from the number of billboards i saw proclaiming such) to "stop aquatic hitchhikers." (?!?!)

2) North Dakota is home to the largest metal sculpture in America. (I did not stop to see it.)

I did, however, after driving for hours, get off at Exit 1, because there was a sign for a rest stop with a scenic overlook, and yesterday's had been so amazing. So I took the exit ramp, and turned at the end of it - directly into Theodore Roosevelt National Park! (who knew?) ok, maybe if I'd been looking at the atlas, i wouldn't have been quite so surprised. :)

The view was absolutely incredible. The colors, the play of light and shadow - it was breathtaking. Maybe even more so because I hadn't expected to see it - I had no clue that I would turn a corner to a view like that...

I spent a good half hour just wandering, looking out over the Painted Canyon, taking pictures, listening to a ranger talk about the canyon with a group of tourists. And then I found a trail. I'd been in the car for two days. Who wouldn't go exploring in a place like this?

I will say this: there was a sign. It said all the usual things about drinking enough water and wearing proper footwear. It also said that bison are dangerous and that one ought to keep one's distance, and to never approach wildlife, even if it appears friendly.

I looked at the trail, and I looked at my tevas (the flip flop variety). I thought, "that doesn't look very difficult, and well - I can always come back for my hiking boots if it's too tricky." I wasn't thirsty, and the trail sign said it was only a mile loop trail. I'd be fine without water for a mile. So off I went. Enjoying the scenery, the sudden absence of tourists (no one else seemed to want to take the trail), snapping pictures of canyon flora... I heard someone at the top of the trail call to what I assumed was his family, "Hey! There's a buffalo down there at the end of the trail." Oh cool, I thought. God, it would be really cool to see a bison out here in the wild. I kept hiking through the bushes, and then the trail split. One way led back into the brush. The other led out onto a flat ridge and then down into the canyon a bit further. I opted for wide open spaces.

The view from that ledge was amazing, and I stood there for a minute, enjoying the sunshine and the beauty of God's creation, noticing the interesting hoof-shaped tracks in the dirt, and thought, wow, that's odd. i thought that sign said "no horses..."

And then the Holy Spirit said something to the effect of, "Hap, turn around and go back. NOW." And I felt this odd sort of panic - not fear-driven, just a very strong internal insistence that I should turn around and go back. So I did, and I'm doing my usual internal questioning routine, "ok, was that really God, or did I just panic because I was out on this ledge on my own, and I'm a dork?" And I was about to arrive at the conclusion that I'm a dork (which is entirely possible) when I looked up, and I kid you not, probably less than 30 yards away, was a bison. I'm not sure which one of us was more surprised - it, or me - but it certainly noticed my existence, and started trotting my way.

I'm not sure I have ever run so fast in my life. I literally sprinted up the canyon wall. I did, however, stop once - ostensibly to see if it was still following me (it was) and to take its picture. (I'd never seen a bison outside of a zoo, and I had no idea I'd see about 2 dozen more the next day. Plus I knew I would need one to properly illustrate this story.) So here you are:

BISON IN PICTURE IS CLOSER THAN HE APPEARS...

one thing i ask

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple." - Psalm 27:4

I left home last Sunday with my Bible, a journal, a sleeping bag, a tent, a suitcase, a bunch of non-perishable groceries, and an atlas. Plus the usual number of books I would not actually read. (You would think I would learn from these experiences, but no... you see, I might have time to read that one, and I need this one, just in case... etc. You never know...)

Milwaukee was the first minor adventure of the trip - as a person with no internal sense of direction (as in, if you say words like "north" and "east," my brain freezes up and I just get stupid for a second), I was less than thrilled when the signs saying things like "interstate closed ahead" and "detour" began appearing. But somehow I managed to actually follow the signs and ended up, having driven through several small Wisconsin towns that I may otherwise have never seen, back on the interstate. Kept driving for a bit, and eventually, around dinnertime, pulled off at a rest stop somewhere in the Black Hills of Wisconsin that promised a "scenic overlook." (Sidenote: If you are driving along and see a sign that says "scenic overlook," I would highly recommend pulling over and checking it out. Unless, perhaps, you are in South Dakota...)

The rest stop itself was fairly nice, and I found a picnic table in the sun and had dinner. Then I wandered off towards the part of the little park that I thought might be the overlook (as it wasn't really evident at first glance what one was supposed to be looking over). What I found was a trail, and it led up through the woods for quite a ways. I thought a couple of times about turning around and going back, but I pressed on and finally, after a bit, I came around a corner and found this lovely little spot.
















This deck became, for a few moments, incredibly holy ground. I sat on the bench at the far end of the platform, and just looked at the beauty of the hills for awhile - then got out my Bible and began to read. I read Psalm 27 out loud. Have you ever done that? Just read the Word out loud when you're all by yourself? There's just something about saying the words aloud, out in the middle of nowhere - I don't know how to explain what happened, other to say that this psalm, which has been a theme psalm for me for months now anyway, became a very personal prayer for the whole trip in that moment. I genuinely prayed the words of this song up there in the hills, telling God how much I wanted to be in His presence and to be aware that I was... asking Him to make a straight path for me as I traveled, to guide me in where to go and what to do... and as I prayed, this verse jumped out at me: "My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek." (Psalm 27:8) "God, I'm seeking You."

And His answer: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (v. 14). So many things I am waiting on Him for - but it is not a sitting around, doing nothing, sort of waiting - even when it looks (and sometimes feels) for all the world like it is... For these 5 days anyway, waiting on the Lord involved driving - and driving, and driving, and... - and seeking Him out. Letting go of my agenda, my plan, my idea of what the road should even be. Taking each moment as it came. Waiting to see what happened in the course of a day. And smiling.

I was struck so often, over the course of this trip, by a sudden realization that I was smiling. Just driving along. Grinning. I was happy. And I was aware that I was happy.

I'm not 100% sure why this surprised me, but it did. In a nice sort of way. The peace and ... quietness ... that filled my heart, especially over the first couple of days, was so needed, and so welcome. I actually succeeded in driving along, being happy, and not really thinking about much of anything. It was heavenly. Kind of like this view from that bench. :)

the smallest confession

HT: xkcd

it's true.... a good deal of the way home, i thought, "wow, i can't wait to get home and write about this..." and then i'd start thinking about how i would phrase things.... lol.

it was an amazing trip, my friends. and oh, do i have some stories to tell!!! stay tuned. and thanks for your prayers along the way. God spoke so clearly in so many ways. i'm really looking forward to telling you about it. after i get my pictures back - because the second story... you might have to see it to believe it. :)

Destination: God Knows Where

I've been gone most of this week to Willow Creek for their annual Arts Conference, and it was an incredible week. Had the opportunity to catch up with some really good old friends, worship with a room full of other artists, and hear some amazingly gifted speakers. God met me in every single session I attended, and it was so sweet.... I'll have more to say later - still processing a lot of it.

One of the "quote of the week" moments tho, came from Richard Allen Farmer, in one of the main sessions. He was giving us a "tour of the artist's brain" - and he said, "That fog in your head? Don't try to fix it. It's supposed to be there." :) lol... phew. You have no idea how relieved I am to know that... :)

The "fog" is simply an acceptance of mystery - an okayness with the not-knowing-ness that comes from a life of faith; oddly coupled with another artistic tendency: asking a zillion questions, much to the annoyance of our friends and family. :) I can't explain it any better than that - I question everything at times, but I love the mystery of life, love, God Himself...

The Israelites followed a cloud... and at times that cloud would fill the temple, and the priests would be unable to minister because of it... what a glorious, mysterious, specific encounter with God that would be...

I'm doing a bit of my own cloud-following this week. It's pouring rain right now, so I am putzing a bit, waiting for it to stop - but in a couple of hours, I am hitting the road and heading to Montana for the week. I will probably spend more time in my car than I do in Montana, but hey... I've always wanted to see it. :) My goal is Glacier National Park. I am not sure I will actually get there. And I am so okay with that. :) It's so cliche, but in this instance, I really feel like it's going to be so much more about the journey than it is about the destination. I have no idea where I'm going to sleep tonight. It's kind of cool... in an unsettling sort of way. :) I wasn't going to leave until tomorrow - but already, I'm just feeling a tug to get going, to get away, to turn off the phone and the computer and just go - out into the wilderness with the Lord, to wait on Him, and to hear what He has to say. I am completely and totally lovesick for Jesus right now - and so looking forward to this week.

I should probably go pack... :)