early-morning watchfulness

I rise before dawn and cry for help;
I have put my hope in Your Word.
My eyes stay open through the watches of the night,
that I may meditate on Your promises.
- Psalm 119: 147-148

I woke up at 3:30am this morning. I have no idea why. I woke up with the words to song a friend and I are writing in my head, and I can't exactly go work on it, as it's a piano song, and everyone else in the house is still asleep. So I've just been laying in bed, praying and thinking, and wondering what's up with this... not feeling particularly a direction towards anything except just being with Jesus. So it's me, Jesus, a little Josh Schicker music in the background, and a partially blank screen.. Anything could happen now... lol.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope,
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
- Psalm 130:5-7

There are so many things in life we wait for. At breakfast with some dear young friends, about a week or so ago, I told a pre-schooler she needed to wait a minute for something. Her older brother at the wise old age of six observed very profoundly, "There are a lot of waits in life." I totally cracked up. If he only knew! "Why, yes, there are, dear." "You know, like for birthdays and Christmas and things." lol... yes, those are really hard to wait for. Tho I don't mind waiting for the next birthday as much as I maybe once did....it can take a little longer to get here; I'm okay with that...

What are you waiting for? And what do you do while you wait? There are a lot of things I'm waiting for, have been waiting for, still am waiting for, may wait till kingdom come for... waiting is kind of a theme in my life, and probably always will be... it's just life. But waiting was never meant to be like waiting at the bus stop, twiddling your fingers, waiting for the bus to show up, totally wasting time, unproductive. Waiting is time, time to be spent doing something. But what?

I would propose that we are to be waiting on the Lord, and that it's an incredibly active thing. It's getting in the Word, spending time in His presence, getting to know Him better, becoming more like Him. Waiting is a season of preparation for something else. There's a very real sense in which we will always be waiting, in this life anyway, because this life is the prologue to a very beautiful story - it may even be just the first paragraph...

I've felt a pull of late to just get away and get quiet. A lot of stuff in my life is just getting put aside right now, and it may not always be that way, but I have been so busy these past few months that I think somewhere along the way, I lost a part of myself without realizing I'd done it... I'm not sure how to explain that well - I was still me - but I wasn't... centered. Whole. Completely healthy. I got thoroughly tired. And I didn't have time. So there are things now with which I am - at least for now - just done. School. 4 more classes to go, and I'll get to them eventually. Just not now. And I stepped down from leading worship at my church. That one surprised even me... But I felt the most glorious freedom even as I did it. I'm not going to not lead worship - I'm still at Torch, and probably will be for awhile. I actually have more time to pour into that now, and I'm so glad for that.

And what to do with the rest of the time that is suddenly free? Well, I'm going to paint. Finish a couple of art projects I've had going for a year. Write. Read. Watch movies. Hang out with my friends, and maybe make some new ones. Bike. Journal. Breathe. And get away with the Lord to just sit at His feet and listen to His voice. He's taught me so much already this year about hearing Him - and the fact that I actually do - and now I just want to hear what He has to say, and follow His lead - wherever that may be. I've had this unshakable sense for a few months now that there is something new, just around the corner... tho I have no idea what it is.

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." - John 3:8

That's kind of an exciting way to live, don't you think? :) I have no idea what's next... so I'm just going to wait for it.