i went adventuring today.
it was... fun. wet, mind you. but fun.
a few weeks ago, a good friend and i went on what we called a "pseudo-epic Sabbath adventure." it was amazing. literally one of the best days of my life. (i hope to (finally) be able to write about it soon.)
and one of the places we went that day was a neighborhood in Chi-town called "Wicker Park." it's super-trendy; known for music, fashion and art - totally my kind of place. honestly - i'm a country girl at heart, but if i were ever to live in a city, this is one of the places in which i'd be at home.
so i went back today. i had three possible destinations in mind. one of them was The Boring Store. it was one of the places my friend and i had meant to go, but they were closed by the time we got there. i thought about stopping in - i mean, it's amazing, and i really want to go - but it just didn't feel right, going without him. so i skipped it, and headed directly to one of the other places on my list: Myopic Books. so glad i did. i was literally less than a block from the store when one of the biggest storms i've seen for awhile swept through town. granted, we haven't seen a lot of storms this summer, but it was big enough that i got completely covered in dirt from the wind that whipped thru before the rain started, and i was extremely grateful to be indoors during the worst of the downpour.
and it was a lovely place to be stranded.
80,000+ titles to choose from. super-cool building - it used to be a jewelry shop, and the iron bars that used to section off part of the store are still there, and the mystery section is in the vault downstairs (sadly, it was closed today, so i didn't get to see it, but how cool is that?!). jazz music. reading nooks. did i mention 80,000+ titles to choose from? just imagine how many shelves that takes, and how lost you can get in them...
i came home with 2 "new" used treasures: A Live Coal in the Sea - a Madeleine L'Engle book I haven't read yet!! and Gluten-Free Girl - which I am totally looking forward to reading. a healthier lifestyle is on the horizon, and I think this book (and her blog) may be key to it.
the other place i meant to go (and didn't) was a coffee house called "SIP" - but as it was raining, and part of the charm is their garden, i decided to skip it. we'll save that for a day when i have a sunny afternoon to spend blogging outdoors. so i ended up at Starbucks, as usual, because i had a gift card and the chai was therefore "free" (yay!) - and because it was less than 20 yards from the parking spot i'd snagged (after much driving about).
it probably wasn't the holiest Sabbath ever. but being out of the house - out of town, even - was a very good thing after this long, long week. i needed a change of scene, and He knew it. and i'm betting the books i found will be worth the long drive. even the drive itself was worth it...
i've missed taking road trips with Jesus. so many of them lately have been so short. i am long overdue for a week-long one. maybe in September. maybe. spiritually - it's a really great idea. financially - maybe not so much.... :/
so that's one for the prayer hopper....
anyway. not much of an update, i know. but that was my day. and somehow... somehow today mattered. and i wanted to write about it. so there you are.
maybe it's just that i'm learning again to have fun by myself. so much of the past 7 months have been about learning to connect, building meaningful relationships, having (local, and deep) community again for the first time in a really long time. today i ditched that and went back to a little bit of what my old life (a more introverted, more artsy, more solitary life) was like. and it was good. not great - and not without its lonelier moments - but good. and i'm glad.
Showing posts with label simple felicity: obedience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label simple felicity: obedience. Show all posts
Book Review: Sabbath by Dan B. Allender
Dan B. Allender's book on Sabbath explores the Biblical mandate for Sabbath-keeping by looking at the biblical text themselves, exploring some of the history around how God's people have traditionally and creatively celebrated the Sabbath over time, and sharing his own experience with the discipline/joy of keeping the Sabbath. His mission from the very beginning of the book is to dispel both the rule-bound, legalistic perspective and the laissez-faire, "oh-that's-just-the-Old-Covenant" perspective on the Fourth Commandment, and to transform them into a new, joyful anticipation of what the Jews have long referred to as "the Queen of days." (And he succeeded.)
I was encouraged by literally every chapter in the book to rethink my perspective on Sabbath, and to see it not just as a day of rest in which I do absolutely nothing except whatever I feel like doing or as a day off to catch up on housework and run errands, but as a day during which God's kingdom come and coming can and should be experienced more fully. I've taken Allender up on a number of his challenges over the past few months: I've taken a walk with an "enemy" - I've stopped completely retreating from the world and begun to invite people over for dinner - and I've started to plan a little more carefully for the day. Sabbath is no longer just a stopping place at the end of a long week for me, but a deliberate pause in which to celebrate with Him and spend quality time in His word and with His people, enjoying creation, freedom, and time - and looking forward to eternity.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone who's willing to have their life - and perspective - rocked a bit. My response to this book was to literally change the way I structure my time - and it's been an incredibly life-giving change.
Disclosure in agreement with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising": I received this book for free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
an open letter
to my anonymous friend who commented on my post yesterday
"Most women need a room of their own, even if it is outside their home." - Germaine Greer
A Fundamental Shift is my room. It is where I come to sort out all the shifting that goes on in my heart and my soul and my head. The Shift has an open door; anyone can come and visit, and anyone may say what they like about what I have to say. Until now, I've never felt even slightly uncomfortable with that.
Today I actually took down a post because of something you said. Obviously, I've put it back up, but it was almost instinct to withdraw. I seriously thought about deleting your comment altogether, but then I thought... no. Let's see what comes of this. A small skirmish over Tennyson's merits wasn't quite what I expected. :) But there it is.
So let's dispense with Tennyson and get that over with: "Ours is not to question why; ours is but to do and die." ???? No. I will stand with Job on this one: "But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God." (Job 13:3)
Have you read Isaiah 43:1-44:5? Check out 43:26 - "Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence." In the context of addressing their sin, and explaining how He's going to save them from it, God still invites His people to come and talk to Him. Abraham argues with God to save Sodom (Genesis 18:16-33) and while God still destroys the city, He never expresses displeasure with Abraham's questioning. And in Hebrews 4:16, we are invited to "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." If what we need is an answer, I doubt God will turn us away. "In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence." (Ephesians 3:12) As adopted sons and daughters of God, we've been given the right to go to Him, just as we are, completely fallen - but "the wise trip on grace," as the song has it (it's "All Fall Down" - I can't remember who sings it... Erin O'Donnell, maybe?). And it is what I've tried to do here.
No. I do not need to understand God's plan in order to obey it. I do, however, need to know what it is. You can't do what you don't know to do. Every child needs the security of knowing where the boundaries are, and they will test them boldly to make sure they are where they're expected to be. I am no different.
I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether it is still okay for me to not wear shoes on stage. I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether my friend who had the guts to look me in the eye and say, "look, this is idolatry" - is right. It sounded right on. He had a point. But he can't know my heart. He can only make an educated guess. He's usually dead on about me - especially when I don't want him to be. But I'm not sure about this...
And that is all I've been trying to say. I don't really give a rip what anyone - even my elders, honestly - think about me leading sockfoot. This has always been between me and Jesus - something we have that's unique to our relationship. Because I can honestly say that I worship with my shoes on - when I'm biking, or reading, or taking a walk on the beach to watch the sunset - I'm not sure it can be claimed that I must be sockfoot in order to worship... yes, it's an issue in church sanctuaries, but that's the only place it is. And to be honest, I really think I have some pretty solid reasons (as listed in the link back to last year's post on the issue) for that.
I think the logic as to why the leaders want me to wear my shoes is a little off - tho not in its heart, mind you. I know that they genuinely want people to encounter the Lord. What concerns me about it is all the logical conclusions you could take it to, and it leaves me wondering where it ends: if you use any criteria other than "this is a biblical form of worship and therefore acceptable practice" to determine what does and doesn't happen on stage, you run into a lot of subjectivity. I'm personally really distracted when someone wears baggy shorts that are practically falling off or socks with sandals - but if they're comfy in God's house, and obviously enjoying God's presence, then I'll shut my eyes and praise God that they're meeting with Him. Yes, we need some sort of a dress code, but seriously... socks with sandals are much worse than my very surreptitious black socks. but there we go, being subjective...
And at the end of the day, it's arguing semantics. Do I disagree with them? Yes. Do I think they're out of line asking me to do what they think is best? NO. Do I want to argue with them about it? You bet I do. Am I going to? Probably not. What I am going to do is the right thing to do: I am going to wear my shoes. And I am going to worship. I am going to worship the way I did last night - BY CHOICE.
We sang this song last night at Torch called "Waste My Life" by Misty Edwards. It says, "I am in love with You; there is no cost. I am in love with You; there is no loss. I am in love with You; I want to take Your Name. I am in love with You; just let me cling to You, Jesus."
I had a really hard time singing it at first. I don't feel like I'm in love with God. I know I am, but I don't feel like it. Instead, I feel like we're arguing, and I don't know exactly about what. I've known, as Sara pointed out, that there is something in all of this that I am still missing. Something I'm to learn, to understand, to finally GET that I haven't yet. I want to know what that is, and I want to know it sooner than later. So I am arguing. I am worrying this issue to death. I am not letting it go. I am knocking, seeking, asking continually and wearing myself out in the process. But this is something I need to know. In some odd way, the very wrestling that I am doing right now is sort of an act of worship... I am declaring, through my struggle, that God is worthy of my worship, and that I want the worship I bring to Him to be acceptable. To be offered up in spirit and truth. To do that, to worship that way - is why I need to know His heart on the matter, and the truth about whether or not I'm an idolater or a follower of Christ.
And I am not condemning anyone, my friend. Or if I am, it is only myself - for my failure to learn the lesson I'm supposed to more quickly. Or less publicly, maybe.
My friend who thinks I'm an idolater... what I appreciate so about him are his courage in saying it to my face, and his honesty about his own struggles in his walk. He's recently been in a place where he's felt so emotionally distant from God that it's made him want to weep at times. He's bewildered by that seeming "absence" of presence... but he's pressing on. God has still been speaking to him, and working in his life in some pretty amazing ways - and he can see it, but doesn't feel it (or hasn't felt it) the way he's wanted to. So I know that at least on some level he knows what I mean when I say, "I find myself unable to worship." Tho I probably didn't explain it to him very well. What I mean by that is simply that I don't feel the emotional connection I am accustomed to feeling when I lead worship. There's a weird disconnect going on - and there has been for a few weeks. It's like I'm objectively watching myself grow as a worship leader and engage more freely - and I'm not actually doing it... but I am. I just don't feel it the way I want to. And the shoes question has made it worse. Because I want to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing to honor His heart, and I'm not sure what it is, because I'm not sure if this little ritual is wrong or not....
Every couple has their own special things. Jesus and I have always had this. Being asked to give it up is hard. It's an honest struggle. Having someone I love and trust say that it shouldn't be a struggle at all has made me seriously question. So I am seriously questioning. Out loud. In my room.
And you attacked me. Or I felt that you did.
The way you wrote about the situation makes me think you are someone I know. I'm not going to call you out here in my room. But I'd appreciate it if you'd email or call or something and at least give me the courtesy of knowing who you are. And if you're not... well. You are still welcome in my room, and I can't make you state your name. You can hang around as anonymously as you want. But please be careful with how you phrase things. Even if you believed what you said about me condemning people... you could've found a way to say that in love that mightn't have hurt quite as badly as it did.
(HT: ASBO Jesus)
And trust? I'm with Job on that, too... Job 13:15 - "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
He's welcome to set me straight. In some ways He already has. And I'm sure there are still things I'm missing. But I know He loves me, and will give me the mercy and grace I need - both to get through this struggle, and to lead with my shoes on. At least for one weekend, anyway.
"Most women need a room of their own, even if it is outside their home." - Germaine Greer
A Fundamental Shift is my room. It is where I come to sort out all the shifting that goes on in my heart and my soul and my head. The Shift has an open door; anyone can come and visit, and anyone may say what they like about what I have to say. Until now, I've never felt even slightly uncomfortable with that.
Today I actually took down a post because of something you said. Obviously, I've put it back up, but it was almost instinct to withdraw. I seriously thought about deleting your comment altogether, but then I thought... no. Let's see what comes of this. A small skirmish over Tennyson's merits wasn't quite what I expected. :) But there it is.
So let's dispense with Tennyson and get that over with: "Ours is not to question why; ours is but to do and die." ???? No. I will stand with Job on this one: "But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God." (Job 13:3)
Have you read Isaiah 43:1-44:5? Check out 43:26 - "Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence." In the context of addressing their sin, and explaining how He's going to save them from it, God still invites His people to come and talk to Him. Abraham argues with God to save Sodom (Genesis 18:16-33) and while God still destroys the city, He never expresses displeasure with Abraham's questioning. And in Hebrews 4:16, we are invited to "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." If what we need is an answer, I doubt God will turn us away. "In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence." (Ephesians 3:12) As adopted sons and daughters of God, we've been given the right to go to Him, just as we are, completely fallen - but "the wise trip on grace," as the song has it (it's "All Fall Down" - I can't remember who sings it... Erin O'Donnell, maybe?). And it is what I've tried to do here.
No. I do not need to understand God's plan in order to obey it. I do, however, need to know what it is. You can't do what you don't know to do. Every child needs the security of knowing where the boundaries are, and they will test them boldly to make sure they are where they're expected to be. I am no different.
I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether it is still okay for me to not wear shoes on stage. I need to know - from the Lord, and not from anyone else - whether my friend who had the guts to look me in the eye and say, "look, this is idolatry" - is right. It sounded right on. He had a point. But he can't know my heart. He can only make an educated guess. He's usually dead on about me - especially when I don't want him to be. But I'm not sure about this...
And that is all I've been trying to say. I don't really give a rip what anyone - even my elders, honestly - think about me leading sockfoot. This has always been between me and Jesus - something we have that's unique to our relationship. Because I can honestly say that I worship with my shoes on - when I'm biking, or reading, or taking a walk on the beach to watch the sunset - I'm not sure it can be claimed that I must be sockfoot in order to worship... yes, it's an issue in church sanctuaries, but that's the only place it is. And to be honest, I really think I have some pretty solid reasons (as listed in the link back to last year's post on the issue) for that.
I think the logic as to why the leaders want me to wear my shoes is a little off - tho not in its heart, mind you. I know that they genuinely want people to encounter the Lord. What concerns me about it is all the logical conclusions you could take it to, and it leaves me wondering where it ends: if you use any criteria other than "this is a biblical form of worship and therefore acceptable practice" to determine what does and doesn't happen on stage, you run into a lot of subjectivity. I'm personally really distracted when someone wears baggy shorts that are practically falling off or socks with sandals - but if they're comfy in God's house, and obviously enjoying God's presence, then I'll shut my eyes and praise God that they're meeting with Him. Yes, we need some sort of a dress code, but seriously... socks with sandals are much worse than my very surreptitious black socks. but there we go, being subjective...
And at the end of the day, it's arguing semantics. Do I disagree with them? Yes. Do I think they're out of line asking me to do what they think is best? NO. Do I want to argue with them about it? You bet I do. Am I going to? Probably not. What I am going to do is the right thing to do: I am going to wear my shoes. And I am going to worship. I am going to worship the way I did last night - BY CHOICE.
We sang this song last night at Torch called "Waste My Life" by Misty Edwards. It says, "I am in love with You; there is no cost. I am in love with You; there is no loss. I am in love with You; I want to take Your Name. I am in love with You; just let me cling to You, Jesus."
I had a really hard time singing it at first. I don't feel like I'm in love with God. I know I am, but I don't feel like it. Instead, I feel like we're arguing, and I don't know exactly about what. I've known, as Sara pointed out, that there is something in all of this that I am still missing. Something I'm to learn, to understand, to finally GET that I haven't yet. I want to know what that is, and I want to know it sooner than later. So I am arguing. I am worrying this issue to death. I am not letting it go. I am knocking, seeking, asking continually and wearing myself out in the process. But this is something I need to know. In some odd way, the very wrestling that I am doing right now is sort of an act of worship... I am declaring, through my struggle, that God is worthy of my worship, and that I want the worship I bring to Him to be acceptable. To be offered up in spirit and truth. To do that, to worship that way - is why I need to know His heart on the matter, and the truth about whether or not I'm an idolater or a follower of Christ.
And I am not condemning anyone, my friend. Or if I am, it is only myself - for my failure to learn the lesson I'm supposed to more quickly. Or less publicly, maybe.
My friend who thinks I'm an idolater... what I appreciate so about him are his courage in saying it to my face, and his honesty about his own struggles in his walk. He's recently been in a place where he's felt so emotionally distant from God that it's made him want to weep at times. He's bewildered by that seeming "absence" of presence... but he's pressing on. God has still been speaking to him, and working in his life in some pretty amazing ways - and he can see it, but doesn't feel it (or hasn't felt it) the way he's wanted to. So I know that at least on some level he knows what I mean when I say, "I find myself unable to worship." Tho I probably didn't explain it to him very well. What I mean by that is simply that I don't feel the emotional connection I am accustomed to feeling when I lead worship. There's a weird disconnect going on - and there has been for a few weeks. It's like I'm objectively watching myself grow as a worship leader and engage more freely - and I'm not actually doing it... but I am. I just don't feel it the way I want to. And the shoes question has made it worse. Because I want to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing to honor His heart, and I'm not sure what it is, because I'm not sure if this little ritual is wrong or not....
Every couple has their own special things. Jesus and I have always had this. Being asked to give it up is hard. It's an honest struggle. Having someone I love and trust say that it shouldn't be a struggle at all has made me seriously question. So I am seriously questioning. Out loud. In my room.
And you attacked me. Or I felt that you did.
The way you wrote about the situation makes me think you are someone I know. I'm not going to call you out here in my room. But I'd appreciate it if you'd email or call or something and at least give me the courtesy of knowing who you are. And if you're not... well. You are still welcome in my room, and I can't make you state your name. You can hang around as anonymously as you want. But please be careful with how you phrase things. Even if you believed what you said about me condemning people... you could've found a way to say that in love that mightn't have hurt quite as badly as it did.
(HT: ASBO Jesus)And trust? I'm with Job on that, too... Job 13:15 - "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
He's welcome to set me straight. In some ways He already has. And I'm sure there are still things I'm missing. But I know He loves me, and will give me the mercy and grace I need - both to get through this struggle, and to lead with my shoes on. At least for one weekend, anyway.
on icons and idols
It's kind of amazing how easy it is for something to become an idol without a whole lot of fanfare. Oh, sure, we don't make big productions out of melting down all our jewelry into golden calves - but that doesn't mean we don't have idols. An idol is anything we look to for something when we should be looking to God. Put that logically, sounds rather silly to be an idol worshiper, doesn't it? Yet we do it anyway... and not always intentionally...
An icon, on the other hand, is something that points us to God. Iconography is something that's become a bit lost, especially in many contemporary churches, but throughout history there have been hundreds of icons that have helped God's people to remember Him. Some are still hanging in our churches - crosses, banners, paintings, statues, signs, things carved into the woodwork or the masonry of our buildings... symbols that point us to Christ.
But, as Madeleine L'Engle once warned, "An icon can far too easily become an idol. Idols always bring disaster to the idolater. An icon is an open door to the Creator; when it becomes an idol, the door slams in your face."*
I have a ritual that has served as icon in my life for the greater part of my worship leading career. (I wrote about it here.) There are two things that almost inevitably happen every time I'm about to get onstage: 1) I totally want to throw up, and 2) I take my shoes off.
The whole nerves thing - I have always dealt with that. I am totally fine as soon as the lights come up - but talk to me five minutes before a service is about to start, and I'm liable to be fighting waves of nausea. I've gotten pretty good at hiding it. And I don't always even notice it myself - it's just part of how it goes.
But the shoes.... the 2 seconds it takes me to kick off my shoes are often the holiest part of my day. It's a ritual that marks a mental shift... an "okay, here we go!" as I take a deep breath and focus for the sprint ahead. And it's as habitual as saying hello to Orion, or going back to the coffeepot for a refill... it's just something I do - it's a part of who I am.
But right now I'm questioning whether it should be.
I have an opportunity the weekend after Easter to lead worship somewhere other than where I normally lead. At my church home, it is widely known and accepted that I lead sockfoot, and it's something that honestly, most of my congregation really loves, or at least respects. But I've been asked to put my shoes on for this particular service, and I've really been struggling with that. The conversation was incredibly gracious. They know where I'm coming from; they understand that it's a serious matter and they're not taking it lightly. But because the height of the platform (which is a whole different can of worms for another day) is at eye-level to the front row, the concern is that my sockfeet might be a distraction to someone in worship, and so, out of love, and an honest desire to help people engage in worship, the church's leadership has asked me to wear shoes.
I cried off and on for about 48 hours about it. Partly because I'd been hoping against hope that God would make a way in this. And partly because I am certain that there is something to be learned from this experience, but I don't know what...
So on Wednesday this week I went shoe shopping. I bought a relatively light weight pair of tennis shoes; they're comfy. They look cool. They're beige and brown so they'll go with about 1/2 my closet. I wanted something to be special still - a pair of shoes to change into, or to wear just on Sundays - something to hold onto... to remind me of everything I usually think about before I go on stage. I seriously thought about buying a pair in several brilliant shades of green, or a pair of ridiculous flip-flops with rhinestones all over them, or something equally hideous... but that would have been following the letter rather than the spirit of the "thou shalt wear shoes" law, so I didn't. I bought respectable shoes that I would wear anywhere.
And I slipped into a ridiculous funk.
We're talking melancholy artist funk of the worst sort. The sort of funk that if it wasn't Lent would probably have involved an entire 1/2 gallon of ice cream. Instead it involved me attempting to metaphorically smash a few bricks in that wall around me, only to fail visibly and miserably. So a friend showed up with a sledgehammer to help.
I think I'm grateful. Except once I started talking about it, my friend ever so kindly suggested that perhaps I've made an idol out of this particular form of worship. He's got a point. Taking off my shoes has always been an entrance into Presence for me - but it isn't some sort of magical formula. Shoeless-ness is not equivalent to Samson's hair in terms of being some sort of power source. The ground on which I stand is holy because God is present, not because I've taken off my shoes to stand on it.
"Why would it be disobedient to lead with your shoes on?" he asked. The only reason I can think of is that I feel like it's something God's asked of me - but I don't know that there was ever a "Hap, thou shalt do this no matter what" from God... I think it was simply a resolution on my part, a habit I chose to embrace as a spiritual discipline of sorts. And yes, it's a biblical form of worship (and in my book, therefore an acceptable practice) but it isn't sin to not take my shoes off either... I don't think. It feels like it, tho. In spite of the fact that it would be sin to defy the leadership by taking my shoes off - or walking out on my commitment.
I tried to "practice" wearing my shoes at rehearsal on Thursday. I only got about 1/2 way through rehearsal before I had to take them off. All I could think about was how hot my feet were. And tonight I led at our evening service, and I left my shoes on... and it was weird. I didn't like it. I had to fight the temptation to just kick them off all night long. I could've - no one would have cared tonight. But somehow I need to learn to do this... to be able to focus and lead well with shoes on. I don't know why. And I don't want to.
God can work thru me whether I have shoes on or not. I go around proclaiming that worship and music are not the same thing, that worship is a lifestyle. So either I should never wear shoes, or I should be okay with going shoeless as a form of worship that I do not need to engage in every time I lead, any more than I need to be flat on my face or raising my hands or clapping or shouting every time I lead...
But I'm not okay with it. And I'm not sure anymore if going sockfoot is an icon or an idol. I know God will honor the fact that I'm submitting to those in leadership over me. (Objectively, anyway.) But I am still desperately... un-Happy about it.
* Penguins and Golden Calves, by Madeleine L'Engle, p.39
fasting, repentance and freedom
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." The mouth of the LORD has spoken. - Isaiah 58:6-14
The first time I fasted was about a year after I came to the Lord... so I was probably, I don't know, 17? Young, anyway. :) I didn't have a clue what I was doing or why I was doing it - the camp where I'd come to Christ held a few retreat weekends throughout the year, and they'd asked us to fast at least a meal that weekend - I (in a fit of maturity, I'm sure) decided to fast the first one and get it over with. (Just kidding... I think...) :) I'm honestly not sure now what the motivation was exactly, but there I was, at the first dinner of the weekend, smelling all that good food and listening to all my friends catch up on the past couple of months' news - and I was "starving." So I went and camped out on the stairs around the corner with my Bible and looked up fasting, trying to figure this thing out...
And God gave me His vision for my future.
I read Isaiah 58 that day, and the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. Do this. This is who I'm making you to be. These are the things that are to mark your life... I'm sure those weren't His exact words, but that was the jist of it.
And in the 17 years I've been chasing Jesus, I have never forgotten it. It's always been there, in the back of my head, as some future thing...
Sometimes I am so incredibly daft...
This Lenten fast I've been doing has largely been an act of obedience - I knew I was supposed to do it. I know on a practical level that it will help me physically and bring healing, as I stop eating foods that harm and start eating foods that heal. I know that there are things that fasting has always done in the lives of God's people - biblically, fasts are ordered for purification, repentance, and discernment.* Lenten fasts in particular tend to be for repentance...** tho I wasn't sure what I was repenting for aside from eating a whole lot of junk and thereby choosing to be less than whole on purpose. I suppose on some level I was fasting for all three things - I have been in the midst of what feels like one of the most major shifts I've ever been through over the past four or five months, and while I have ideas of what He's doing and where this process is going, I've been wanting more clarity, and longing for holiness more than ever as I've taken one faltering step after another down this path on which I currently find myself (as the ground continues to heave unpredictably, and I still distrust my ability to walk it even when the ground is behaving...).
When God first gave me this passage as a calling, I thought of it mostly in terms of how I would live in regards to other people, and I did not anticipate this verse being true of me:
Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
And yet, last night, this is exactly what happened...tho it is my sense that it was only the... well, beginning isn't quite the right word, because it began awhile ago, but it's not the end either... hm... it was only a step, then - but it was a significant one for all that. Some things have happened over the course of my life that have been terribly unjust. Because of those things, I learned some patterns of thought that were neither healthy nor true. I became intellectually and emotionally bound by them, and the harshness of the judgment with which I have learned to look at myself has yoked me to an unrealistic standard - and worse, an even more unrealistic expectation of how to achieve it. I have been wrestling for weeks now with three major issues: my temper, my rebelliousness, and my issues with failure/perfectionism. They tie into everything - and I have been increasingly convicted of my need to surrender those things to the Lord - and, true to form, I've tried to do it on my own. *sigh* what was that about being daft?
And last night, as someone prayed over me, I realized that a) there's been a spiritual component to those three struggles that I have not acknowledged, and over which God alone has authority; and b) that I cannot on my own overcome them - that what I need is the Holy Spirit at work in my heart and mind to transform me into His image. Jesus said to be perfect (Matthew 5:48) and then He sent us a Counselor to aid us in that task. I have been treating my life, and even holiness, as a project at which I can succeed or fail on my own - and yes, I bear responsibility - but surrender is ultimately the key to getting anywhere, and all I've surrendered to is a false belief that I am going to mess it up...
The chains have been loosened - I felt them start to slip last night. The cords have been untied - truth is unknotting the veil of deception through which I've been seeing for far too long. I am slightly more free today - and the yoke is about to get smashed.
It is going to be a good day.
*Mudhouse Sabbath, by Lauren Winner - p. 86
** p. 85
na'aseh v'nishma
There's a concept called na'aseh v'nishma; which means: "we will do and we will hear" or "we will do and we will understand."* It's about doing your faith, and coming to understand what it is you already believe as you practice it. Lauren Winner explains it a lot better than that, but that's the gist of it, I think.
As I was mulling over the concept in the sleepless wee hours of the morning, it brought to mind a verse from Psalm 3: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." (v. 5) There's a pattern to life, even when we feel totally out of control. The nights might be shorter, but we do lie down and sleep eventually, and we do wake up - so already there's a structure, a consistency we rely on and live by without always realizing it's there... and so too with our faith sometimes. "I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth"... etc. and I do, though I am not thinking of it every minute. There is a pattern and structure to how I live - to why I live - to what I do with this life God has given me, and I don't always think of it, and I don't always understand it, but I live according to it, much as I live according the sleep cycles written into the fabric of my existence, and in some ways, much as I breathe.
Breathing. Now there's a life-giving rhythm. It happens automatically; we don't think about it at all, most of the time. But when we start to pay attention - when we consciously time it, slowing down, breathing deeper, thinking about it more - we suddenly find ourselves calming, even when we hadn't realized how frenetic a pace we'd been keeping. And I think na'aseh v'nishma is similar to that on a faith level - we do the things we know to do and we keep on doing them, and as we begin to pay attention to them, suddenly things begin to make sense - either again, or for the first time, or in a new way. At least, I hope so. There's a lot that feels like it just doesn't make sense right now, and I am living on two planes at once: a plane on which I know that God is in control and has a plan better than mine (a plane on which God is meeting me daily through people all over everywhere speaking very similar things into my life, and it's all good stuff, laden with hope) - and a plane on which I am weary and worried and anxious because I do not understand the things that He is saying - not the way I want to, not with the details I think I should know... But there isn't a question which of those two planes I should jump to and stay on...
His way, all the way, of course. Of course. So na'aseh v'nishma - I will do what I know to do and hope - no, trust - that it is all going to work out, somehow. Because it will. And it will be greater than I dreamed.
*according to Lauren Winner in Mudhouse Sabbath, p. x; this Hebrew phrase is found in Exodus 24
As I was mulling over the concept in the sleepless wee hours of the morning, it brought to mind a verse from Psalm 3: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." (v. 5) There's a pattern to life, even when we feel totally out of control. The nights might be shorter, but we do lie down and sleep eventually, and we do wake up - so already there's a structure, a consistency we rely on and live by without always realizing it's there... and so too with our faith sometimes. "I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth"... etc. and I do, though I am not thinking of it every minute. There is a pattern and structure to how I live - to why I live - to what I do with this life God has given me, and I don't always think of it, and I don't always understand it, but I live according to it, much as I live according the sleep cycles written into the fabric of my existence, and in some ways, much as I breathe.
Breathing. Now there's a life-giving rhythm. It happens automatically; we don't think about it at all, most of the time. But when we start to pay attention - when we consciously time it, slowing down, breathing deeper, thinking about it more - we suddenly find ourselves calming, even when we hadn't realized how frenetic a pace we'd been keeping. And I think na'aseh v'nishma is similar to that on a faith level - we do the things we know to do and we keep on doing them, and as we begin to pay attention to them, suddenly things begin to make sense - either again, or for the first time, or in a new way. At least, I hope so. There's a lot that feels like it just doesn't make sense right now, and I am living on two planes at once: a plane on which I know that God is in control and has a plan better than mine (a plane on which God is meeting me daily through people all over everywhere speaking very similar things into my life, and it's all good stuff, laden with hope) - and a plane on which I am weary and worried and anxious because I do not understand the things that He is saying - not the way I want to, not with the details I think I should know... But there isn't a question which of those two planes I should jump to and stay on...
His way, all the way, of course. Of course. So na'aseh v'nishma - I will do what I know to do and hope - no, trust - that it is all going to work out, somehow. Because it will. And it will be greater than I dreamed.
*according to Lauren Winner in Mudhouse Sabbath, p. x; this Hebrew phrase is found in Exodus 24
a simple prayer
2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
This is a truth for which I am grateful tonight.
God, grant me the grace I need to be faithful and true to Your will and Your way.
Amen.
This is a truth for which I am grateful tonight.
God, grant me the grace I need to be faithful and true to Your will and Your way.
Amen.
trust and obey
Yet another hymn from the walking jukebox of my head, with lyrical recollection help from cyberhymnal.org:
When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
I've had that refrain going over and over in my head for hours... "trust and obey, there is no other way to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey..." It's true; I know it's true. It's just tough sometimes. But difficulty is not an excuse. He never said this was going to be easy. I only hoped it would be.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Lord, I do believe! Help my unbelief, I pray... Mark 9:23-24
When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we'll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.*
*Trust and Obey words by John H. Sammis, music by Daniel B. Towner
I've had that refrain going over and over in my head for hours... "trust and obey, there is no other way to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey..." It's true; I know it's true. It's just tough sometimes. But difficulty is not an excuse. He never said this was going to be easy. I only hoped it would be.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Lord, I do believe! Help my unbelief, I pray... Mark 9:23-24
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