the merits of oblivion

Courtesy of Sara, in the comments section of the previous post, I've learned something invaluable this week: awareness might just get you nowhere. (Like when you're hiking in North Dakota and you see a sign warning you about how dangerous bison are and you think, gee, wouldn't it be cool to see a bison up close? and then you do... or when you're part of a national campaign to warn people about velociraptors and then you find yourself taking a quiz to find out how likely you are to survive... and realize you probably wouldn't...)

Fortunately, the likelihood that anyone could get a velociraptor to hold still long enough to chain it to a bunk bed is fairly small.

I could survive for 41 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

You know, there's something to be said for being oblivious...

Velociraptor Awareness Day

As some of you may know, today is Velociraptor Awareness Day. Over 256,000 people are participating in this long-overdue campaign to safeguard the world against velociraptors. (I kid you not - "I saw it on Facebook, so it must be true!") Laugh if you will, but I'm telling you - those dinosaurs are dangerous. (Anyone who has seen Jurassic Park knows this.)

I repeat: Velociraptors are dangerous. They will eat you. So if you see one, run. Really fast. For any hope of escape, a routine exercise program is (of course) essential, but taking math classes can also help you with this. Randall Munroe at xkcd explains how:



http://xkcd.com/135/

(Any suspicions that Velociraptor Awareness Day has been fully funded by the people who write word problems for math tests are completely unfounded.)

For a semi-related bit of fun and also some serious theological discussion, please see also: Jon Birch, on The Velocirapture.

*insert amused grin here*

this just made me happy. :)

alleluia!!! - call and response

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.

This is the day the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed.

So much of my life has been shaped by these calls and responses, in ways I am still learning to see. I believe these things to the depths of my soul: God is good, and His love endures forever. He created today, and I am to rejoice and be glad in it. Christ is risen, and that matters. In fact, it changes everything. Regardless of what goes on around me, regardless of what happens in this world, regardless of what we see - these things are true - and it makes all the difference.

I love Easter Sunday. The hope that it brings. The reassurance that "all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well." (- Julian of Norwich)

Why? I think Charles Wesley said it best:

Christ the Lord is Risen Today

Christ, the Lord, is risen today, Alleluia!
Sons of men and angels say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, ye heavens, and earth, reply, Alleluia!

Love’s redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the battle won, Alleluia!
Lo! the Sun’s eclipse is over, Alleluia!
Lo! He sets in blood no more, Alleluia!

Vain the stone, the watch, the seal, Alleluia!
Christ hath burst the gates of hell, Alleluia!
Death in vain forbids His rise, Alleluia!
Christ hath opened paradise, Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
Once He died our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where thy victory, O grave? Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ hath led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!
Made like Him, like Him we rise, Alleluia!
Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, Alleluia!

Hail, the Lord of earth and Heaven, Alleluia!
Praise to Thee by both be given, Alleluia!
Thee we greet triumphant now, Alleluia!
Hail, the resurrection, thou, Alleluia!

King of glory, Soul of bliss, Alleluia!
Everlasting life is this, Alleluia!
Thee to know, Thy power to prove, Alleluia!
Thus to sing and thus to love, Alleluia!

Hymns of praise then let us sing, Alleluia!
Unto Christ, our heavenly King, Alleluia!
Who endured the cross and grave, Alleluia!
Sinners to redeem and save. Alleluia!

But the pains that He endured, Alleluia!
Our salvation have procured, Alleluia!
Now above the sky He’s King, Alleluia!
Where the angels ever sing. Alleluia!

Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia!
Our triumphant holy day, Alleluia!
Who did once upon the cross, Alleluia!
Suffer to redeem our loss. Alleluia!

- Charles Wesley, c. Public Domain

"Fought the fight, the battle won." Alleluia.

riding the wind

One early morning last week I was sitting in my favorite rocking chair, doing morning devotions and enjoying the quiet, when I was distracted by unexpected motion across the room. One helium-filled orange balloon was bobbing quietly by the couch, its string tucked under a pillow, anchoring it securely. The furnace had just kicked on, and the warm air currents coming from the vent on the floor met the cooler air currents from the ceiling fan, impacting the balloon.

I watched it for a bit, bobbing about here and there, in some seemingly random pattern, knowing that its motion was influenced by things I couldn't see - and it struck me, then, that in so many ways that balloon was a simple word picture that spoke to how I should live my life. It was anchored securely. It wasn't going anywhere it oughtn't to go (like up to the ceiling to encounter the fan, for instance). But it was free to be quietly itself, and to move as it was directed by the air currents around it.

Jesus said, "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8) We can't see the wind, but we can see its effects. Hear the leaves rustling in the trees. Watch the balloon sailing "haphazardly" (but not really) through the sky on a blustery day. The wind does come from somewhere and it is going somewhere, but all we can see are its effects.

I find this somewhat comforting, in seasons like this, when I feel like I'm not really sure where I'm coming from or where I'm going, yet I see the effects of God's Spirit at work within me. I will find out where I'm going when I get there. In the meantime, anchored tightly to Him, I can simply rest, and let the wind of His Spirit direct me moment by moment. All I need to do is ride the wind.

Which, when I'm not worrying so much about where I've been or where I'm going, is actually pretty fun. :)

Abigail: a story of one woman's wisdom

The daughters of Zelophehad, who dared to approach Moses and ask for an inheritance of their own. (Numbers 26)

Jephthah's daughter, who died as a result of her father's rashness. (Judges 11)

The widow of Zarephath, who fed Elijah through years of famine and was blessed for her faithfulness. (1 Kings 17)

The Canaanite woman who begged Jesus to heal her daughter. (Matthew 15)

The desperate woman who broke a dozen social and religious laws to push through the crowds and touch the hem of Jesus' robe. (Mark 5)

Scripture is packed with the stories of brave women who rose up to become legendary heroines, women with whom God was so pleased that He made sure their stories were preserved, women whose faith and courage drove them to action.

Abigail was one such woman, and I invite you to journey with me into her story. This is fictional, of course - just the way I imagine it. Unresearched midrash, if you like. But her story is worth dreaming about. (For the full and historically accurate account, please read 1 Samuel 25.)


The sun was hot that day. The sun was usually hot in the desert of Maon, but somehow it felt different today, searing. There was something strange in the air today...a sense of foreboding. Nonsense, thought Abigail. How can the air be foreboding? She lifted a hand and brushed a damp strand of hair away from her face as she rested a moment in the shade of her tent. The baking was done for the day; they had worked hard. Oh, she didn't need to work - her husband had plenty of servants. But Abigail liked the work. It made her feel useful.

Abigail shaded her eyes with her hand as she scanned the horizon. A small figure emerged from a cloud of dust - a messenger perhaps? Her husband, Nabal, was out with the herd - it was shearing season, and their hours were long. Perhaps they needed food, or drink. Dinner preparations were already under way for the dozens of hungry shepherds and shearers who would come trudging home at sundown, weary from their work. Nabal was not likely to share much of the final profit with his workers, but it was tradition to feast and celebrate during shearing times, and Abigail made sure they were as well-fed and cared for as she could. There was not much Nabal could do once the sheep had been dressed - they would need to be eaten. And he did care for his reputation amongst his neighbors... so his workers ate well. And Abigail made sure Nabal's wine glass was constantly full. Nabal was mean when he wasn't drunk.

The small figure on the horizon turned out to be one of the shepherds, a boy whom Abigail knew by name. His mother worked in the kitchen tent, and spoke highly of her son.

"My lady, may I speak with you?" he asked, eyes lowered in respect.

"Of course, Joshua," replied Abigail. "What is it? You have come with much haste."

"My lady... there is... a situation. And we are worried... You have heard of David and his mighty men?"

"Yes, Joshua, I have heard of him... He is the stuff of legend, so men say. Some say he will even be king someday. Is he coming this way?"

"Yes, my lady, he is. In fact, he is already here. He sent messengers this morning to greet our master, but our master has hurled insults at him. David's men have always been good to us; they have never stolen anything, and when we have herded near them, they have protected us. But they have come to us in peace on a day of feasting to ask for our hospitality, and our master has insulted them, and now David and 400 men are coming to attack us. We will all be killed! Please think, isn't there anything you can do? Disaster is hanging over our master and all his household, and he is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him."

Abigail sat quietly for a moment. "He is such a wicked man." "No one can talk to him." The words echoed in her head. No, no one could talk to Nabal, and her presence would not be welcome while he was working. No, talking would not help. He was too proud, too arrogant... he would never retract what he'd said. The damage was done. If only there were some way to reverse it, to offer hospitality in spite of what he'd said... hospitality. It had to work. It had to...

"Joshua, run. Run and get your mother, and then run, and find out where David is. We will intercept him. Run."

Abigail lost no time. She and her servants packed up much of the food they had ready. Soon the donkeys were loaded with enough for a small feast. It's a good thing we had so much already, thought Abigail, as she looked at the mountain of food. Two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, 5 seahs of roasted grain, a hundred raisin cakes, two hundred fig cakes. It was all they could spare on such short notice without Nabal noticing, but it would be enough. It would have to be enough. Please, let it be enough, she prayed silently.

"Go on ahead," she told her servants. "I will follow shortly."

She returned to her tent, and bathed quickly. Baths were a luxury in this desert climate, but Abigail was taking no chances. She was beautiful and intelligent, and she would need both of those assets today. She would look her best for this future king. She would go to him as if he were already king.

Abigail rode into the mountain ravine on her donkey, and took a deep breath when she saw the army. 400 men were coming down the path into the ravine, with a strong and handsome man who could only be David at their head. He looked extremely irritated. Abigail knew that look. It never boded well when Nabal looked like that.

"For our people," she whispered to herself as she rode up to the army. "I can not let his foolishness kill us all, not without trying to stop it."

David called a halt, and the army waited quietly as the young woman rode up. "Her name is Abigail, sir," said one of the scouts. "Nabal's wife. I do not think he knew she was coming."

Abigail was so nervous she could not look at anyone. She climbed off the donkey, and bowed low with her face to the ground before David - and so missed the look of astonishment that passed over his face.

"My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. May my lord pay no attention to that wicked man, Nabal. he is just like his name - his name is Fool, and folly goes before him. But as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my master sent this morning."

"I am listening," said David.

Abigail launched into her speech, still sitting at his feet, choosing her words carefully, reminding David of the promises God had made to him, and the blessings that God would bestow on him, suggesting that bloodshed in this case was unnecessary, that Nabal's foolishness was simply that - foolishness, and offering him food and drink for his men. "You don't need the burden of remembering how you killed my servants in anger," she finished quietly. "Vengeance is not worth that price. God will bring you success, and when He does... remember me. Please."

She sat there for a minute, wondering what would happen next. She still couldn't look at him. Wasn't sure if she should. Hoped he had heard, and understood, and would be as kind as she'd heard he could be. Thought of Joshua, of her servants. Felt a tear slide down her cheek.

David crouched down beside the woman at his feet, and lifted her chin with one hand. He wiped the tear away with the other. His own eyes were filled with tears. Abigail had not expected that.

"Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me," he said finally. "May you be blessed for your good judgment, and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands..." Vengeance belongs to the Lord, he reminded himself silently. God will vindicate me. "I would have killed all of them in anger - and I would have regretted it. Thank you for stepping in and putting a stop to it. I will accept your hospitality."

David helped Abigail to her feet, and set her back on her donkey. "Go in peace," he told her quietly. "I have heard your words and granted your request." He smiled kindly into her eyes, and sent her on her way, unaware that he'd just acted like the king she already believed he was.

When Abigail returned home, the banquet had already begun, and Nabal was in high spirits. "There she is, my lovely bride," he slurred. "Where have you been? Well, no matter, you are here now..." It was all she could do to force herself to smile, as she watched the feasting and the dancing and Nabal becoming more and more drunk. It was almost a relief when he finally passed out, except he was heavy and was sitting on her dress. It was unfair. David was out in a ravine with a modest meal while here Nabal was feasting like a king. It was not right. But they were alive. And someday... someday, David would be king. He would be a good king. She was sure of it.

When Nabal woke up, she told him everything. Abigail was never sure whether it was the excessive amounts of alcohol in his system or the shock of realizing how close to death he'd come that did it - maybe it was both - but Nabal had a heart attack that morning. Ten days later he was dead. And though they mourned as was right and fitting, no one was really all that sad.

David heard of it, up in the mountains. "Praise be to the Lord, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal's wrongdoing down on his own head," he said. He thought again, for the hundredth time, of the beautiful woman who had risked her life to protect them all, and wondered.

Later, when the time of mourning was over, he sent for Abigail, hoping she would become his wife.

and she said yes.


This post is part of the International Women's Day Synchroblog, hosted by Julie Clawson at onehandclapping. For a complete list of other participating posts, please click here.

home sweet home

I've always had this vague sense of homesickness... At times it gets place-specific: West Michigan, San Diego, New England...and yes, even Africa, tho I've yet to get there. At other times it gets situation-specific - wishing for an actual house of my own, wanting to rearrange my furniture or paint the walls a different color, dreaming about having a family someday. But most of the time it's just sort of vaguely there. I'm homesick. For something. I don't really know what. For heaven, definitely... but for something between now and then, too - something between eternal life as I know it today and eternal life as I'll know it on the other side of death.

I found out yesterday that this might actually be normal.

I'm in this book-study group called Joshua's Army with my church - once a month we read a book and get together and have dinner and talk about the book. The goal of the course is to, as our pastor puts it, graduate us with the right tools in our toolbox to build a solid, God-honoring life and to lead our community well. So to that end, we're reading everything from books on leadership to intercessory prayer to relationships. This month's book for the girls is "Finding Your Purpose as a Mom: How to Build Your Home on Holy Ground" by Donna Otto. I'm not sure I would have ever picked it up. But it's got some good stuff in it, even for those of us who aren't moms. In the chapter I've just finished, she writes about how having a vision for what your home could look like helps you to make the smaller daily decisions that will lead you to it, much the way having a picture to refer to on the front of the puzzle box helps you put a puzzle together, and how each of us will find that we do actually have a vision for what we'd like our home to look like, whether we've thought much about it or not, because God has built an "essential homesickness into every human soul." (p. 36)

You have no idea how relieved I was to hear that. I'm supposed to be homesick.

Ultimately I think that "essential homesickness" she speaks of is really just a deep longing for things to be the way they were always meant to be. Walking with God in the cool of the evening in the Garden He made for us - in the Paradise of God. And we've never known that, actually, tho if we do walk with God we've caught glimpses here and there, and we do have a sense, deep down, that we'll know it when we see it, and it'll be perfect. "It's not supposed to be like this." An old friend and mentor said that when he was preaching once on the way sin wrecks our lives and our need for mercy, and I can still hear him say it... and there are moments in life when that phrase so definitely applies - and we know it's not supposed to be like this because we know it was supposed to be different. Better. Right. And whatever just happened wasn't right. But if we were home... if we could only get home... it would be okay again.

And that's life. Journeying home. Thank God for the journey, and all we learn on it, but, oh, Jesus - thank You that we're on the way to Home... to You. And that You walk with us every step of the way.

It's a strange thing this longing for home I have, tho - because while I've always had it, I've also always had this restless wanderlust - a need to travel, a need to go places and do things and have adventures... as long as I could come back... to somewhere, someone, something I could call home... I've written about it before - in April of 2007 to be exact. And it was funny, re-reading that post - there are parts of it that are still true and parts of it that aren't. I still want to go see the world and write about it... maybe I should go be a travel journalist or something... but that American dream? 2.5 kids and the white picket fence? Not so much anymore...

And that's not something I ever thought I would say.

I've always wanted that. That was my big career ambition. Get married, settle down, have a family, be happy. And then, a couple of years ago, I started coming to terms with my inner Donna Reed, and started to dare to believe that God might actually have something in addition to that for me. But now... I just don't know. It hit me yesterday that even if I got married next year, and had kids straight off (which is SO not likely to happen), I would be 40 when my oldest was in kindergarten. I'd be in my 60s when they started graduating from college... That's not what I wanted. That wasn't the dream....

So maybe it's time for a new dream...? I'm not sure. There's a part of me that doesn't want to let it go at all. That still wants to hope for "happily-ever-after" - or at least the real-life version of it that comes with people being human. But part of me says, "Hap, maybe it's time to just let it go. Go see the world. Do something with your life."

And I am, actually. Being a part of this church plant is incredibly exciting, and I feel like, at least for now, God's said to put down roots here. That these next few years will be incredible and fruitful, and foundational to something else. But that someday, that train I dreamed about last June will pull out of the station, and I will know that it's time to jump off, and who knows what's waiting at that end of that trail? Destiny? Maybe. Tho I think I'm already living into that here. I don't know. All I know is I'm incredibly homesick this morning...and I wish I knew what I was homesick for...

it's not about the flowers

Happy Valentine's Day!

Depending on ... well, any number of factors, really - reading that probably elicited any number of responses. Wry grins. Political rants about greeting card holidays. Warm fuzzies. You name the emotion - somebody probably felt it. Joy. Sorrow. Rage...

Valentine's Day is a weird holiday, at least here in the States. Overpriced chocolate and flowers that cost twice as much this week as they do the entire rest of the year. Silly decorations. Teddy bears. (really? whose idea was that?) Sugared-up kids on holiday. It's craziness, I tell you.

Nevertheless, I still grinned when I got the fancy-shmancy e-card from my dad today. Fairies flying about, decorating a magical world. Pretty music. Made me feel like a kid again for a couple of minutes. Like maybe magic - miracles - really can happen. It reminded me of Valentine's Day when I was a kid, and coming down to breakfast to find a box of candy - just for me - and a card from my dad, telling me I was loved. Special. Worth something.

The holiday can stink for single adults. So much romance shoved down our throats - the implication that because we don't have that, we've somehow abysmally failed as functional people... but it's all a LIE, people. We haven't failed. And Valentine's Day is a commercial crock.

But do you know why it sells?

It sells because we all want to know that we're special. That someone loves us. That we are worth loving.

So I have good news for you. You are special. You are loved. And you are worth loving - because you are created in the image of an incredibly creative God, who knew you before you were born, and who has an amazing plan for your life - a plan far greater than you've probably dared to dream yet.

So rejoice in that, this Valentine's Day - whether you have someone "special" or not. Because Someone incredibly special has you, in the palm of His hand. And He loves you, very much. (and if you heard that in your head in the voice of a certain talking tomato... well. it's true.) :)

Thank you to Kathryn, at Good In Parts, for an excellent post on love this week. And to Jake, who posted this last year.

And to all of you who so faithfully read these frequently random glimpses into my head - Happy Valentine's Day, and may you know God's love for you.

Grace and peace,
Happy

oh, and p.s. -- since I'm working on being more transparent this year, I'll confess it. I have a dozen roses on my corner table. But I bought them myself. They were on sale at the grocery store, and I like roses... :)

25 Things

okay, i give in. i'm a lemming. at least today. mostly because there is cleaning to be done and i don't feel like doing it.

25 random things about me:

1. I find it odd that this meme has jumped from 6 things to 25 things in just one year, but i suppose inflation is rather a ubiquitous sort of thing.

2. I really like the word ubiquitous.

3. Sara Bareilles has a song called "One Sweet Love" that I think is pretty much number one on my playlist right now.

4. When I eat neopolitan icecream (which just bothers me to begin with because you should not mix flavors like that!), I eat the strawberry first to get it out of the way, then the vanilla, and then the chocolate, because the chocolate is the best part, and should always be saved for last.

5. I really love both of my jobs - the one I get paid for and the one I don't.

6. I have friends in Australia that I've never met.

7. One of the first times that I ever really began to understand that God loved me was in a car in a church parking lot, listening to a song called "Before You Call." Which I can still sing to you in its entirety. (Thank you, Mike.)

8. One of my favorite books as a kid was this little pink three-inch by one-inch fold-out hymn book with the words and music to "Tell Me The Story of Jesus." I bet it made God grin, knowing everything He knew. :)

9. I've written exactly one worship song that I think is worth copyrighting. And two years later I still like it, so next year, I might actually get around to figuring out how you do that...

10. Random fact from my belief system: ice cream is a food-group.

11. I am really looking forward to summer coming around again so I can hit the trails with my bike again. When I was biking 40-50 miles a week, I didn't have to pay nearly so much attention to how much ice cream I was eating, lol.

12. My favorite coffee mug is blue, with blue and green stripes. They are very calming colors, and the mug is just the right size to wrap your hands around and feel all cozy. And it was a gift from good friends, which makes it even better. Come to think of it, they have very good taste in coffee cups - I have another one they gave me that's red and is like reverse-bubble-wrap...

13. I think the word chutzpa is just cool.

14. Extreme underwater ironing is hands-down the most interesting sport I've seen yet.

15. I've been to Albania. And I seriously thought about not coming back.

16. I would really like to learn to play the bagpipes. But I think I would get kicked out of my house if I tried to practice.

17. I think it would be really cool if Torch hosted a Sacred Space event in conjunction with the Willow Arts Conference. Maybe someday. :)

18. I'm memorizing Ephesians, and I've been stuck at the end of chapter 2 for about 6 months.

19. I love to paint. Not pictures - walls. I have no idea why.

20. I prefer loading dirty dishes into the dishwasher to taking the clean ones out... go figure.

21. I took New Testament Greek on a dare.

22. I used to mow lawns with Sufjan Stevens. It was a really fun summer.

23. Every little girl should be given a copy of The Ordinary Princess for her 8th birthday.

24. I love J.P.'s. - a really great coffee shop - and have been known to drive 3.5 hours each way for a cup of their coffee.

25. One of my favorite college memories involved Klompenskotch.... :)

the power of an encouraging word

I was sort of a part of a rather long conversation centered around Psalm 12 tonight. (And as a side note, I will say that I am slightly amused that the notes under the heading mention that the psalm was given to the director of music - the idea of singing about the themes in Psalm 12 is... well, I'm just not sure what sort of music you would quite put it to in a modern context. It would make for an interesting morning in church tho.) :)

The conversation wandered largely along the lines of how our words affect people, the differences between "flattery" (as it comes from a deceitful heart (not to be confused with genuine compliments)) and "encouragement" (which can include genuine compliments, and comes from a heart of love). Someone asked if we could think of a time when someone said something, even in passing, that caused us a lot of hurt. Mmm-hmm. But then, I can also think of times when people have said things that have encouraged me so much that I've either memorized the words, or saved them somewhere I know I can easily find them again.

"There are more colours on the palette of your soul than you have even begun to paint with."

"You have deep gifts and a deeper heart, and God will not allow you to go unused in His kingdom."

"I am so proud of you."

"You're one of the good ones."

"Recording with Happy is like coming out of the shower on a really cold day, wrapped in a really soft bathrobe, and walking into the kitchen to find that your mom just made you chicken noodle soup for lunch."

"It's not about marketability; if it was, Happy would have been married 10 years ago."

"Girl, you've got chutspa!"

"You are one of the most loyal people I know."

"God does have a plan for your life, Happy, and it is greater than your dreams."

I have had the very good fortune of having very good friends. And I have been so blessed by their speech. I wonder if they even know that? I hope so.

Just this week I got a letter from one of my favorite people - who actually is responsible for four of those quotes, plus countless others. Most of it was just newsy - but what made me smile was the way that after 4 years of distance in a 9 year friendship, he's still cheering me on, and believing in God's plan for my life.

Do I do that? Do I speak life into people? Do I tell them what they do well? Do I cheer with them when they see a victory, no matter how trivial it may seem? I hope so. I try to. But I'm sure I can do better. Something to think about anyway.

What "good words" have encouraged you? Tag, you're it. I want to hear about it. :)

just when you think you've seen everything

you generally find out you really haven't. my friend Jenn says this is one of those things that falls under the heading of "alrighty then..." i think it's hilarious. allow me to introduce you to my new favorite international sport: Extreme Underwater Ironing.



(no, there's no sound.)

i actually saw somethng on the news the other day about this - there's a group of 86 divers in the UK that just beat out the Australian world record for most people involved in a dive.

and it turns out extreme ironing isn't only a water sport...



i wonder if this will ever catch on in the U.S.? :)

international women's day syncroblog/syncrosermon

Julie over at one hand clapping has suggested a syncroblog for International Women's Day, which is March 8th. As Julie writes, "Too often in the church not only are the voices of women not heard, but the stories of biblical women remain untold. But the Bible is full of inspiring examples of women faithfully following God and making a tremendous difference for the Kingdom" - so why not celebrate the day by retelling some of those stories and the impact(s) they have had on our lives?

If you'd like to participate, please follow the link to Julie's blog and leave a comment on her post, so she can include your blog on the list of participants. Here are the "official" guidelines, as Julie has posted them:

"Synchroblog - on March 8 post something on your blog about biblical women. This could be your experience (or lack thereof) with learning about these women, a reflection on the life of a particular woman, an exploration of the ways women led in scripture, or a midrashic retelling of the life of one of these women. Have fun with it, push yourself to discover new things, and let’s tell these stories together.

Synchrosermon - these stories of women are rarely told from the pulpit, so I encourage those of you preaching or teaching on March 8 to include the stories of biblical women in whatever you do. The church often wont hear about these women or learn from their example, unless pastors and teachers make a deliberate effort to dwell on the mothers of our faith as much as they usually dwell on the fathers."

I'm really looking forward to partcipating in this, and to an excellent day of good reading. :)

healing, community, and the poverty of availability

I've had an incredibly sweet week in my devotional life. I've been using a website called Sacred Space, a prayer site run by the Irish Jesuits. Every day, it takes you through a 10-15 minute prayer journey that includes a passage on which to read and reflect, and then there's another page called Living Space that includes other suggested readings and commentary on those passages. In spite of occasional theological differences (as I am not Catholic), I have been richly blessed by this site - God has spoken to me so clearly and compassionately through it this week.

A phrase from one of the commentaries earlier this week really captured my attention: the 'poverty of availability'. The commentary is on Mark 1:29-39, which tells the story of the time Jesus went with his disciples to stay at Peter's house, and found Peter's mother-in-law very ill with a fever. Jesus healed her immediately, and she was able to serve them and offer them the hospitality they needed. That evening, the whole city showed up at their door, and Jesus spent hours ministering to the sick and the demon-possessed. Then, in the middle of the night, Jesus got up and went off on His own to pray for awhile. Early the next morning, his disciples came looking for Him, to tell Him that everyone was looking for Him - but He told them it was time to move on to the other villages, so He could preach there too. "It is why I have come," He said.

Jesus had been preaching in the synagogue in Capernaum on the Sabbath when an evil spirit identified Him as the Holy One of God. He silenced the demon and cast it out. Mark 1: 21-28 tells us that everyone was amazed because He taught with authority and was able to give orders to evil spirits. They had never seen - or heard - anything like it. The news spread like wildfire, and as soon as the Sabbath was over, the whole town showed up to see Him.

How incredibly blessed Jesus must have been to have a place to go before that. Peter's house must have been a welcome haven - a quiet place to rest for a bit, on that day of rest. The commentary I read suggested that He healed Peter's mother-in-law, not just for her own sake, tho certainly that was part of it - but because healing enabled her to become an active part of their community. She was able to serve them - as Jesus, in turn, served the people who showed up at the door. Her ministry mattered. It may have seemed a collection of small, everyday, ordinary tasks - but her ability to engage in them mattered to Jesus, and to her family, and to their friends.

Jesus engaged with so many people that day. The man in the synagogue and Peter's mother-in-law were just the beginning. Person after un-well person came to the door to see Him that day - hurting, tired, frightened, in need. And He met with each of them, meeting their eyes, touching their shoulders, holding their hands, casting out the demons who had so long oppressed them. How many people walked away from those encounters with new life, a new spring in their step, hope for the first time in ages? And how did their changed lives affect the lives of those around them?

But it cost Him something. Time. Energy. He needed His own renewal -and so He pursued it, quietly, on His own, with His Father. And while there were still many people who would put demands on His time, who wanted to be with Him, to wanted to talk to Him - He would not be distracted from His mission: to preach the good news of the gospel. And so He went on to other villages.

There is so much to learn from all of this.

Being available to people carries with it its own sort of poverty. It can drain you, being there for people, doing your job, getting everything done that you need to do. There are times when we run so hard and so fast that it lands us flat on our backs in bed with a fever - sometimes literally, tho maybe more often figuratively - when we are rendered incapable of doing one more thing for anybody. Finding balance is essential - not just for our own well-being, but for everyone else's as well. Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well - all the things we know we "should" do but aren't always very disciplined at pursuing - do actually matter. When we don't do them over a sustained period of time we get sick - we need healing - we become unable to serve as we could, we aren't able to "show up" - and our community - whether it's family, work, or church - suffers loss because of our lack of health. Taking time to shush, and to wait - to sit at God's feet, listening to Him speak, and resting in His Presence - is essential if we're to be spiritually healthy; if we don't do it, we end up running on our own strength instead of ministering out of His - and we "burn out" - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - and find ourselves again in need of healing, and our community feeling the effects.

The interconnectedness fascinates me: the idea that God heals us (whether physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally (correcting our wrong ways of thinking) - and there's even an interconnectedness of those four things within us!) not just for our sakes, tho He does love us that much, but so that we can be an active part of what He is doing in the world, and that time spent with Him in solitude matters so that we can minister more effectively... it's all wrapped up together - healing and rest, availability, service. And as usual, everything He's doing in me isn't about me at all, but about His kingdom... and yet it blesses me too. I love these quiet moments in my week, when I can simply get away and be with Him, resting, reading, reflecting, breathing... healing. They matter - to me, and to Jesus. But they also matter to His kingdom, tho I may never actually see how for quite awhile.

a long day's journey into quietness

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense." - Emerson


Today began serenely. It really did. And then somehow between 15 minutes of peace and quiet with God over coffee at 7:00am and now - it stopped being serene. I stopped being serene. No one really knew it, of course. I hid it fairly well. But as soon as I got away for a bit, there was metaphorical chili all over everywhere...

Why?

Well...initially I couldn't have told you, but as I've thought about it, I've realized that:
apparently I haven't come to terms with my inner Donna Reed after all
nor have I grown up as much as I thought I had
I've discovered I'm a hypocritical, snobby isolationist, as opposed to the loving person I'd like to be
I've forgotten to breathe in the unforced rhythms of grace
I've been walking around with a plank in my eye
I've worn entirely too many hats at the same time again
and I forgot that all I'm supposed to do is duck
...among other things.

sigh

But at the end of the day what it all really comes down to is: I've been self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed... self, self, self. I've been thinking about myself far too much, and not nearly enough about God's goodness, greatness, majesty, power, mercy, compassion, justice, righteousness, presence. I lost sight of love, hope, joy, peace... I forgot to let Him grow patience in me, gentleness, kindness, ...ha. self-control. It's a fruit of the Spirit - something He does in you - and not something you do by yourself....

Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry I lost sight of You today, and of the things in life that are truly important. Thank you for this opportunity to lay them at Your feet - to return at the end of this long day's journey to quietness, serenity, peace... hope. Thank You for tomorrow, and all that You will do in it. And for bringing me face-to-face with my pride, and rebellion, and the striving from which I need to cease now, that I may know that Thou art God. I repent for my childish, self-centered attitudes and behaviours, and turn to Your ways. Teach me how to walk in them, Lord. In Your Name and for the sake of Your glory, I pray. Amen.

gimel: enduring love

"Do good to Your servant, and I will live;
I will obey Your word.
Open my eyes that I may see
wonderful things in Your law.
I am a stranger on earth;
do not hide Your commands from me.
My soul is consumed with longing
for Your laws at all times.
You rebuke the arrogant, who are cursed
and who stray from Your commands.
Remove from me scorn and contempt,
for I keep Your statutes.
Though rulers sit together and slander me,
Your servant will meditate on Your decrees.
Your statutes are my delight;
they are my counselors."
-Psalm 119:17-24

Context, context, context.

So much of this portion of the psalm seemed at first to be so disconnected... but I've been thinking about it off and on all day, and I'm not sure after all that it is...

The first verse tripped me up a bit. It seems like David is attempting to strike a bargain with God - "if You're nice to me, I'll do what You say." Eek. That doesn't seem like a good attitude with which to walk into God's presence... He's God. He can do anything He wants, and because He's God, He's the King, and we're His servants, and we should do whatever He says... but then I got to thinking about God's character. "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." (Psalm 107:1, Psalm 118:1, Psalm 136:1) God is good - His goodness is part of what makes Him God... So maybe what David is saying is actually more of an observation of fact. "Do good to me - not so You get the response from me that You want, but because it is who You are... I know You'll do good to me - and as a result of Your goodness towards me, I will live." So what about when times are hard? Well, what we see isn't always actually what's true - you can't see air, but it's still there... so maybe on those days when we have trouble seeing the goodness of God at work in our lives, we either need to put on new glasses (redefine our misunderstandings of what God's goodness really is) or simply trust that just because we can't see it today doesn't mean it isn't true anyway...

"Open my eyes so I may see wonderful things in Your law." "I need You to do that."

"You rebuke the arrogant, who are cursed and who stray from Your commands. Remove from me scorn and contempt..." "I see those tendencies in myself, God... I could so easily become arrogant - but I don't want to be. Help me... " How does God help? By showing us the good way so we can walk in it (Jeremiah 6:16) ... His laws, His statutes, His decrees, His promises.... guideposts, streetsigns, maps, directions...

"Though rulers sit together and slander me, Your servant will meditate on Your decrees." "I don't care who mocks me for this; I'm going to live my life Your way..."

Oh for that kind of passion for God's Word, and for that kind of dedication to following Him...

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God..." - Psalm 42:1
"My soul is consumed with longing for Your laws at all times..."

I want this to be true of me.

institutional whatnot

Manuela asked me the other day if I was in or out of the institutional church, and referenced the fact that my oh-so-informative profile lists my "industry" as "religion." I have to say that really, I think that's kind of funny, tho there's a sense in which it's true, but I guess it all does bear a little more explanation, especially for a few of my newer readers, and actually for almost all of you, as I have some rather exciting news, which I can finally share. ;)

The past year has been quite a journey. I am rather amazed at some of the unexpected twists and turns my road has taken; I would not have seen any of this coming. So Sara - remember how about a year ago you said my life would look totally different by Christmas? I stand by what I said - you are too prophetic... lol. :)

I left what I suppose you would call the "institutional church" last May. I didn't mean to. It was sort of an accident. I wrestled with it some over the summer (I wrote about it here), but for the past few months I have been pretty much at peace with it. A year ago I started leading worship every other week for my church - but between that and grad school and working full time and being the worship director for Torch - I was too busy. All of the things I was doing for God were taking so much time that I didn't have enough time to spend at His feet, and I, to put it quite simply, burned out. So I quit. I quit pretty much everything I was doing except my job and what I do for Torch. I started biking. I took a week-long road trip with Jesus. And what started as just taking a break from the Sunday morning routine ended up being a more permanent thing. I just never went back.

But what I said in that post about Torch was very true - it has been enough. Torch was the college and young adult group at my church, and I've been its worship director for almost two years. We have a Monday night service, and on Tuesday nights I go to what we call mini-church - a small group, essentially, just a few people who get together and talk about life and study the Bible together. Every other Thursday I go to a more formal study group called Fierce, and we meet with our pastor and study things like prophetic ministry and teaching. Once a month a larger group called Joshua's Army, which is many of the core leaders of our ministry, meets for dinner and talks about a book - we've read books about everything from leadership to finances to pursuing a deeper walk with God. Add in all the phone conversations and dinners and hang-out nights and outreach projects and prayer meetings, etc. - and it's been church. Church, in many, many ways, as it should be. We pray, worship, work, play, live, study, laugh and cry together. Are we perfect? Far from it. But this amazing group of people with whom I've been doing ministry are my church family.

And now they're officially so. As of January 1st, Torch is no longer a ministry under the umbrella of a larger church, but is, in fact, a church plant! For awhile, nothing will look all that different - we will still meet on Mondays rather than on the weekends, and we will still do everything else that we've been doing. But this summer we'll start weekend services, and who knows what God will do with us? :)

It's going to be one exciting journey.

So, yes. I've been "out" of the IC for awhile, and now I guess I'm back "in" again - and yet... I haven't been out of it, either, because really, at the end of the day, the church has never been a building, or a place to go. The church, as the song says, is really just people... You know the old fingerplay: This is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, but where are the people? Well, God willing, they're out there. Living life, being a community that radically loves each other and reaches out to be the hands and feet of Christ to their friends and neighbors. I know that where Torch wants to be. And while I am dreaming of the day that we have our own space - a place to gather and to worship - a place to store all my chord charts other than my closet (lol) - and a place from which to send people out (all over the world!) - in the meantime, it's actually kind of cool to not have a building. Tho not having an address makes filling out some of the paperwork a bit interesting... ;)

beth: the richness of God's Word

How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to Your word.
I seek You with all my heart;
do not let me stray from Your commands.
I have hidden Your word in my heart
that I might not sin against You.
Praise be to You, O Lord;
teach me Your decrees.
With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from Your mouth.
I rejoice in following Your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.
I meditate on Your precepts
and consider Your ways.
I delight in Your decrees;
I will not neglect Your word.
- Psalm 119:9-16

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I can't stop thinking about. Some friends and I were walking down this country lane, just talking and enjoying the day together, and suddenly I noticed an object laying in the road as we walked past. "Hold up a sec, you guys," I called, as I turned around to go back and pick it up. To my surprise, it was my old study Bible, tho the cover was missing now, and it looked rather beat up. As I stood again and turned around, suddenly scattered all over the road there were Bibles, covered in the dust of the road, and my friends were going around, picking them up, and together we collected as many as we could, with the intent of returning them to their owners as quickly as we could, so they could be used again.

As I've prayed about it, it seems to me that one of the things God was speaking to me through that dream is part of the answer to my prayer for understanding of my purpose and my calling. It's about restoring God's Word to people - returning it to its rightful place in our lives, in a sense. My Bible in that dream had been neglected, abused, forgotten, left to collect dust, and trampled a bit on a road - which in both dreams and metaphor generally seems to represent the idea of "journey," or life. In the dream, as soon as my Bible had been restored to me, I was able to see the other Bibles on the road. And in real life I know every one of those people I was with in the dream to be men and women who esteem God's Word highly, and it was sweet to know that this call, this task I've been given, was a shared task.

I love the imagery in these verses - the simplicity of the questions, and the answer. How do I live a good life? How do I keep my way pure? How do I not sin? By doing it God's way, and not mine.

"I rejoice in following Your statutes as one rejoices in great riches."

What if we really believed that? What if we really felt that way? What if, instead of just saying that God's Word is a treasure, we lived out that truth? What if we truly were that glad to have God's Word with us - to read it, to memorize it, to talk about it everywhere we go and all the time (Deuteronomy 6:4-9), to think about it, and to do what it says (James 1:22-25)?

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all that he had and bought that field." - Matthew 13:44

I want to treasure God's Word that much. "I delight in Your decrees; I will not neglect Your word."

Teach me to delight in Your word. Amen.

aleph: the beauty of grace

"Blessed are they whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the Lord.
Blessed are they who keep His statutes
and seek Him with all their heart.
They do nothing wrong;
they walk in His ways.
You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast
in obeying Your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all Your commands.
I will praise You with an upright heart
as I learn Your righteous laws.
I will obey Your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me."
- Psalm 119:1-8

If you want to be blessed, be blameless.

That can feel like such a tall order sometimes, can't it? Particularly for those of us (yes, my hand is quite sheepishly still in the air on this one) who are perfectionists, who "must" get it right...

Oh, but grace! :) And these verses from Ephesians: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing that is in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the one He loves. In Him we have redemption through His blood, according to the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." - Ephesians 1:3-8


I love the language in that last verse - the word picture of grace being lavished on us. It feels so luxurious - like you can just go roll around in it, and it's this strange (in a foreign-to-you way, not in a weird way), exotic thing, and someone just brought it all away across the world just for you, and there's so much of it you don't know what to do with it.... and there's a very real sense in which that's actually true! Grace is abundant. God has treasure houses jam packed with it, that He simply pours out on His children, whom He knew ("with all wisdom and understanding") would need it. And because of that grace - once we have rolled around in it and come up simply dripping in it - we are holy and blameless. Something happens when you put on grace - it's like dressing up in a costume and becoming a fairy princess or a knight of the Round Table - except when you've dressed in grace you actually do become a new person. The person you were created to be. And words that describe you now are "holy," "blameless," "blessed."

In spite of the fact that you just totally screwed it all up five minutes ago, this is actually true of you. And oh, yes, there's still the question of repentance and sanctification - you need all that too - but if you are a follower of Jesus, you are as much in the reality of being holy and blameless in God's sight as you are in the reality of growing towards it. It's mind-boggling, isn't it? :) But such is the mystery of grace. Oh! If we only understood this sometimes - how much more grace would we be able to give ourselves?

"Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying Your decrees..."

I find myself praying that as I read it.

"...do not utterly forsake me."

That jumped out at me when I read it. We are not dependent on "works righteousness" - following a legal code in order to earn God's favor - our righteousness comes by grace, and grace alone. "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 1: 8-9) So the connection between, "I'll obey your decrees" and "do not forsake me" struck me as something that didn't quite follow at first... and what David meant as he prayed it I don't really know, but I know that when I chose to walk in God's ways and do what He says (even in the moments when a lot of the currently-less-sanctified part of my nature would like to do quite otherwise), I do it because I love Him. And when I find myself praying anything along the lines of "do not forsake me," it is simply because I know that on so many levels I would deserve that, were it not for the grace of the Lord Jesus.

But I want Him to stay, because I love Him. I want "to do better" - not because it would earn His relationship, but because it would please Him. Because I love Him, and I want Him to be happy - and because I recognize the truth that when I walk in His ways - when I live my life His way and not my own, often-foolish way - I truly am blessed. And when I pray, "do not forsake me" - as a child of God, I can know that His answer to that is always, "I will not." In so many ways, that prayer is simply an invitation for Him to remind me of His promise: "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5)

I love the way the Message begins this psalm:

"You're blessed when you stay on course,
walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow His directions,
doing Your best to find Him." - Psalm 119:1-2


Whatever life holds for you today, I pray that you'll be blessed, my friends.

another year, another crossroads

This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, 'We will not walk in it.' - Jeremiah 6:16

Last year I wrote a post on New Year's Day - not about the resolutions I would make and not keep, but about what I truly longed for God to do in my life over the course of the coming year. I have seen Him do all of it - and while I will grant you that there is still room to grow (and probably always will be, this side of eternity), I have seen His faithfulness. So I can't help but want to revisit the idea. :)

Last years' hopes, as posted:

1) I would like to see God's hand at work in the development of my character. I want to become a more humble person, more caring, more compassionate, more honest, more trustworthy, a better friend, a kinder person - more like Jesus. I want to love God and my neighbor not because I "have to" or because it's right, but because it's an honest extension of who I am. I cannot become those things on my own. I need Him to refine me.

2) I want to recognize God's voice more clearly and more readily. To do this I need to spend more time in worship, more time in His Word, and more time in His Presence. I need Him to teach me how to hear His voice.

3) I want the Lord to teach me how to trust Him more deeply than I already do. I am aware that this means He will likely lead me into (or allow) circumstances that will require me to trust Him. Remind me I said this, but I'm okay with that, if it means that I truly learn to trust Him for everything I need, materially, emotionally, spiritually - everything.


This year:

1) I would love to see God continue all of that in me on an even deeper level.

Specifically:

a) I want to be even more transparent about the things that are really going on in my life than I currently am. I was closer to that a year ago than I am now; I wrote a few things last winter about being transparent, but I have allowed the hurt that resulted from risking in that area with some people that I trusted to prevent me from being as real as I could be with everyone. I do recognize the need for discretion. Nonetheless, I can be more honest and more forthcoming both in terms of what I choose to write about and in topics I choose to discuss than I have been, and I would like to become a less guarded person - not simply because being truthful is healthy but because it might actually help some people to benefit from my experiences, even the more awkward and less than perfect ones.

b) I want to be more practically missional. I think God has done a lot in my heart in terms of stirring compassion over the past year - but I need to get out of my little comfort zone and actually find people who need help. Or maybe open my eyes to actually see the situations that cross my path that I could do something about... even if it's "just" prayer. "Just..." As if. Prayer is where most of the work gets done, tho it's true that God often uses us to put hands and feet to the work...

c) I want to hear God's voice more often. He's gone out of His way (it seems to me, tho really, I bet He had it planned all along) to answer that particular prayer about hearing His voice more clearly. He's proven to me on so many levels and very consistently this year that I do actually hear His voice... but the hearing of it, and His faithfulness to do what He's said, has made me long for more consistent and more sustained conversation with Him. Something I have been praying for over the past couple of months and for which I am truly longing is for God to speak to me through visions and dreams. That said, I realize that my part is to listen... But I would also like to learn how to interpret what I hear rightly, as I think it's possible that some things He's said over this past year I've heard rightly, but interpreted incorrectly.

d) I want to learn to trust God for His timing. Those of you who know me best know that something I have genuinely longed for is to be married to a godly man whom I love and who loves me tremendously and with whom I can serve God in all the ways that I've been called to serve Him. It's become fairly apparent that at this point in my life, His opinion is that I'm just fine as I am - that I do, as Paul advises, serve God better, at this point in time, as a single woman. I want to be okay with that. I want to not dream of "something better" but live in the reality that because this is His path for me, it is already better. I want to stop believing the lie that there is something wrong with me because I have not managed to "land" a husband (as if it were really as simple as fishing for him) - and I want to embrace the truth that God's plans for me truly are the best ones, and remember that every "failed" relationship or crush is simply evidence that God has protected me from a path that wasn't meant to be...

2) I want to experience a deeper love for God's Word. I want a more consistent devotional life - not because you're "supposed" to have one - (I mean, really, what do Christian people in tribes who don't have God's word written out in their language yet do for a devotional life? does it mean they're not saved because they don't have "quiet times"? I don't think so...! This expression needs redefinition!)- but because it reflects the reality of a deeper walk with God. I want to walk and talk with Him throughout the day, not simply for 25 minutes before 6:15am. And I want to memorize His word, so that when I need it, it's there, in my heart and in my mind, even if the practical nature of my day has not allowed for that hour of worship I'd really love to build in...

3) I want to understand and more confidently walk into the specifics of the calling(s) that God has on my life. I think I'm beginning to put a few of the pieces together, but I'm still not sure that all the pieces are in the right place yet. I want to walk away from this year understanding a little more clearly exactly what my giftings are, what my passions are really (as opposed to the ones I've been told I should have - if there's a difference), and I want to see myself living into them more than I am right now.

and 4) I want to learn to live in a more perpetual state of Sabbath rest. Ironically, that's where this blog began... My very first post ever was about rest and my need for it and its relationship to the expectations (either self-imposed or felt) to which I felt I was not quite attaining properly... It's no secret to anyone who's been reading my blog this year that I struggle often with a sense of complete failure at "measuring up", with perfectionism, and with a "socially-acceptable" level of over-commitment at times. God has brought me a long way in all three of those areas over the past couple of years, and in the past 6 months in particular, I have seen Him at work in my heart, healing the places that need it and re-structuring the way I think and therefore the way I behave - but there's more to do. That road trip this summer was truly a pivotal series of moments. As I wrote then, "the entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself." It was like I came home with this internal meter by which to measure my state of rest - a deep, experiential understanding of what rest felt like, so that I'd know when I was there and when I wasn't. I am not yet there as often as I'd like to be.

So here's to a New Year. Last year was incredible. I am still floored that everything that happened in it really fit in one year. I am truly looking forward to seeing what He'll do this year. :)

a good night

Merry Christmas, dear friends.

It's been the most wonderful night. Just this afternoon, I was sitting on my friend Katie's couch, reminiscing about good old-fashioned candelight Christmas Eve services, and how much I miss them. Growing up, it was always one of my favorite services of the year, mostly because of all the singing, and when you add in all the New England charm of snow-covered slate walkways and an evergreen-bedecked church built over 150 years ago - well, it's hard for anything to win out over that sort of childhood memory/ritual, and the "Cosmic Christmas" service that I went to last night with some friends at a large church nearby left me feeling like I still needed to go somewhere to worship... but I didn't know where to go, and I had plans to go out for dinner with my good friend Kim...

But enter God's perfect plan. Kim and I had not done our research well, and almost everywhere we went in search of dinner was closed, or just closing as we got there. We ended up at a McDonald's drive-thru, just 3/4 of an hour before they closed. We drove around and looked at Christmas lights while we ate (another Christmas tradition from my childhood that I love) - and then we went to church. Kim's parents go to a UCC church a couple towns over, and we joined them for their Christmas Eve service.

It was perfect. Bells chiming. Snow-covered trees. Evergreens hung everywhere. Candles in the windows. A beautiful stained-glass window as a focal-point of the room, called the Bethlehem window - depicting the town with the star shedding light upon it - and the cross on the altar under it in just the right place to connect the imagery. The table with "In Remembrance of Me" inscribed upon it. The advent wreath with peace, hope, love, and joy already lit. The carols, the choir, the organ, a real piano. And liturgy!!! Calls and responses. The Lord's prayer. An actual offertory. A benediction. And the candlelit singing of Silent Night. None of this fire-code nonsense and glow-stick substitute baloney. REAL candles, with actual flames. And an amusing safety demonstration by the pastor...

And it was all real. You could tell. The pastor meant what he said. At least most of the choir loved being there. And there were people there who loved each other. Could I have done without the running commentary from the lady behind me? Well, yes, but it was funny, and I almost busted up laughing when someone back there went horribly off-key. And it kept me grounded in the reality that the church really is made up of people... and it's so much grace that God loves us all.

It was a perfect evening. And NOW it is Christmas. It didn't feel like it earlier today. But now it is. (Thank You...)

So, Merry Christmas, to all of you. May peace and harmony reign where you are tonight, in your hearts, and in your minds, and in your souls. May you experience the reality this day of Emmanuel, God with us. And may you find joy with every new dawn - for each one brings new mercies.

Merry Christmas, dear friends... and to all, mmmm..... a good night. :)

whatever the morning version of "the gloaming" is...

i'm sure there's a word for it, but i don't know what it is. in the evening, when the world looks like this, it's called "the gloaming." it's not evening - at least not here. but this is my favorite time of day - i think it always has been. it's my favorite time of year to be awake at this time of the day, too. there's just something about this early hour, just before the sun comes up, especially when there's snow on the ground, when everything is tinted the deepest shades of blue... anything could happen when the world looks like this. star-crossed lovers could reunite. fairy godmothers could exist. it's magical, this moment just before daylight. more so than ever on a day like today, when there's a light snow falling, and the world all around is hushed. anything could happen... and it's not even Wednesday... ;)

dinner with Jesus

I've been on a journey these past 21 days, and I'm still not sure how much I can say. For the most part it hasn't felt very holy, but I've been practicing a spiritual discipline at what I believe was God's request, and I believe that not only has God been honored by my obedience in it, but that He's done more than I may ever know... not the least of which is that He's changed my heart a little bit more - turned me, a little bit more than ever, toward Himself.

Today was the 21st day, and I turned off the ringer on my phone and closed the computer, and spent the day in intercession, meditation, and reflection. I read an entire book from cover to cover, and as I read story after story about God's faithfulness today, I found myself melting into one big happy puddle of contentedness and confidence in God's goodness. I am no closer to having any answers to the questions I have been asking God for 21 days - but I am closer to Him, and because of that alone, I believe it's all been worth it.

To celebrate my love for Christ, and His for me, I had dinner with Jesus tonight. Have you ever noticed how incredibly good food is? How just the right combination of meat and spices with just the right veggies and some feta can totally be the perfect end to a perfect day? Have you thought about how carefully God designed the world - so that peas growing on vines and carrots growing in the dirt not only look pretty but taste great when you put them together? Have you thought about how in the world someone ever figured out how to make rice vinegar? Or who thought to put lavender into a spice blend that's amazing on chicken? Who in the world figured out how to make chocolate? (God bless them...)

But as amazing as all the food on my table was tonight, and as much as I appreciated it, what made it perfect was knowing that King of the Universe was here, having dinner with me. His company made it a perfect day today. The God who made and named every star spent the day with me... and with every other person on this planet. I love that. I love that He who has the affairs of whole nations to attend to loves me so much that He took time to attend to some of mine today. I feel ridiculously loved and cherished. As rich as any queen. And so deeply and incredibly blessed.

I have been worried and anxious about so many things this year... but it is time to let it all go. My God - my King - loves me, and is watching out for me... and my lack of understanding of what He is doing or why or how does not alter the truth that He is caring for me, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He is to be trusted. This is a God I can follow anywhere, and while troubles may (and will ) come, I can rest confidently in the truth of His love for me, and the knowledge that nothing - no, nothing - is too much for Him.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:1-2

freedom

i had coffee with an amazing woman of God last night - a girl i've been privileged to "mentor" for the past few months. (i wonder if she has any idea how often she mentors me?)

among the many topics we covered was freedom. it's a glorious word, isn't it? Heather, awhile ago, asked us what we thought of when we heard the word freedom, and my mental image is running through a field of little white flowers. There was a night last winter when I was incredibly depressed, and completely broke down on a couple of good friends - one of them had a vision as he was praying for me that night, and that was the scene he described. it's (obviously) stuck with me...

freedom's an incredible thing, but sometimes it comes in stages. that's cool, in some ways, because it means that if you are trying to break free from something, there is hope that if you have not yet, you will someday. but there are times when freedom seems so elusive... when you're longing so much to just be free without all the work it takes to get there sometimes... and whether it's getting out of debt, or a sin you just can't seem to shake, or realigning the things you believe with the Truth... freedom often comes with a price, and sometimes it is steep.

but there is one kind of freedom for which the price has already been paid in full, and it is simply yours for the asking. "...it is by grace you have been saved." (Ephesians 2:5)

snow fly

"Like the coolness of snow at harvest time is a trustworthy messenger to those who send him; he refreshes the spirit of his masters." - Proverbs 25:13

I love the snow. I always have. Growing up on the ocean coast of New England, we didn't see much of it. A good snowstorm happened maybe once every 4-5 years. We got a good bit of icy rain (and the accompanying school closings) but it just wasn't the same. We longed for a good two feet of snow. (I am not sure if we ever actually got it.) So you can imagine how thrilled I was the first year I lived in Michigan, and we had so much snow that you had to jump down two feet from the sidewalk into the road - and you were walking next to 4 foot high banks of it on occasion.

It is snowing today, and the quiet hush that comes with it does wonders for my soul. As the noise of the world outside is slightly cushioned by the snowfall, so the noise in my soul quiets just a bit as I sit with a cup of coffee, curled up under a blanket, and simply watch the snow fly. I love this moment. It's as though the world, like one enormous snow globe, has been turned upside down and shaken; and now it is still, and upright again, and nothing moves but the snow. And it is beautiful. May it be so with my soul... no matter what shakes it.

I looked up snow in the Bible today, just to see what God had to say about it. I found all the things you might expect to find about our sin being made whiter than snow by the blood of Christ... (black + red = white) - but I also found this proverb, and I like it. At first what captured my imagination was simply the picture of snow falling (preferably at the end of harvest) and the beauty of it, the welcome nature of the changing of the seasons, the promise of the coming holidays - but then it started to sink in. "Like the coolness of snow at harvest time is a trustworthy messenger to those who send him; he refreshes the spirit of his masters."

A trustworthy messenger - someone who can be trusted to deliver the message he's been told to deliver - refreshes the spirit of his masters. What do you think of when you hear the word refreshment? It's something that quenches thirst or quells hunger, it satisfies, it makes you glad... it makes you feel the way I feel when after a long and crazy day, I get to sit down with a cup of coffee and watch it snow. And snow always comes with a purpose, whether we know what it is or not... browsing through all those verses, I read that "as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is My word that goes out from My mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." (Isaiah 55:10-11)

So I want to be like this snow. I want to be someone whom God finds refreshing. I want to know that I've been sent with purpose (whether I know what it is or not), and I want to be trust-worthy. I want to be someone who, when the world has been turned upside down and shaken, continues to fall softly with purpose into exactly the place that's been marked out for me...