It has always seemed incredibly ironic to me that while fasting, of all the spiritual disciplines, drop-kicks me into dependence on God faster than anything else, it does, at the same time, bring out the absolute worst in me.
I suppose it's fitting - fasting being a physically cleansing activity - that it seems to do the same thing spiritually, but good golly gosh - it's neither pleasant nor pretty.
Two unexpected things (both related to finances) have happened in the past twenty-four hours that have shaken my trust - and showed some serious flaws in its foundation. It seems I've been building my trust on the wrong things again, instead of on the solid rock of God's Word and character. To say that God is faithful and in the next breath freak out about something that may or may not happen is to build on sand. To choose the easy way (depending on credit) at the cost of integrity (even if no one would ever know) is again to build on sand. And houses built on sand can't stand.
Today had some really tough moments. Moments when the fruits of the Spirit were scarcely visible and the muck of my sin, pride, and extreme lack of faith dominated the scene. It was horrible. I cried - a lot. I cried because I felt abandoned and unheard, because I could not see how God would come through. I cried because the consequences of past sin (in regard to how I've handled/viewed my finances) justly affect my present reality even though those wrong choices are covered by grace, and it feels unfair, although it isn't. And I cried because I know that God is faithful and true to His word and His promises, because I know that trying harder isn't what earns grace - that you can't earn it; it's a gift, and you have to receive it, and that sometimes life is just life and you can't control it and it is - somehow - all going to be okay, and that accusing God of not caring enough about you to give you what you want is one of the dumbest ideas ever.
And God, in His goodness and His grace, waited until I was done with my fit, and then spoke quietly: "Go buy yourself some Cadbury eggs."
Permission to splurge. To do something kind for myself.
To stop dwelling in the negative, and to choose hope.
So I bought the eggs.
They are sitting here on my table - Easter eggs: a symbol of life - and better still, chocolate, which inevitably makes me happy. They remind me that the God of the Universe, who knows the deepest cries of people who live in far worse circumstances than I do, heard my cry and answered in a way that He knew I'd understand. He knows me. He sees. He hears. He cares.
And He waited until the muck of my sin was out in the open and then patiently began cleaning it up. "You can't control everything. But there are things that you can." So I folded my laundry and did the dishes. Sorted thru the junk mail and recycled a ton of clutter. And caught up on a few of Andy Stanley's leadership podcasts - including one on Integrity (from July 2012).
A woman of integrity doesn't take the easy way out. She does what is right, and God blesses it. By the end of the podcast, I had chosen not to take the easy way. And within minutes, a solution to one of the problems presented itself. Whoa. The other one (if it even exists) is more complicated. It'll take time. But it is not impossible - not for God.
And I don't have to see how He will be faithful to know that He will be.
Ironic, that I could forget that, while practicing a spiritual discipline that is meant to bring me closer to Him. And yet - in the end, I guess it did. And I shed some things along the way that will leave my spirit lighter, provided I don't try to pick them up again.
Andy Stanley tells of a prayer he's prayed daily for years, and I think it's one worth adding to my personal liturgy: "Lord, give me the wisdom to know what it right, and the courage to do what is right, even when it's hard."
It just goes so much better that way.
And this Cadbury egg I'm having for dessert? It's seriously sweet.
Related posts:
Fasting Makes Me Grumpy - February 2008
Fasting, Repentance, and Freedom - February 2008
Lenten Journeys: Learning to Breathe - February 2010
Showing posts with label simple felicity: trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label simple felicity: trust. Show all posts
a new venture
As I grow into my role on staff at Torch, every now and again, I find something new on my plate. This month, it's blogging. :) Our website's been under construction for awhile, and now that it's (mostly) finished, there are all sorts of new features, including a pastor's blog. I've been asked to contribute, and this week, my first post went up.
Let me tell you - blogging for someone else's blog is challenging! :) Writing for our church blog is way different than just coming here to my virtual "room" and sharing my heart. But it was a really good stretch for my shepherding skills and my writing.
And since it's all I've got right now - here it is. :)
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Stay Dependent On Your King
Have you ever gotten to the end of your day, only to look back and realize that you were pretty much the worst version of yourself you could have possibly been?
- Maybe you snapped at people left and right, for no particular reason, or over-reacted to situations that would have gone better if you’d just taken a minute to think (or to take a deep breath) before dealing with them
- Maybe you cut someone off in traffic, or left that file on your desk at home in spite of the fact that you were supposed to give a big presentation - on all the info in that folder
- Maybe the printer jammed (again) and you swore in front of your boss - who isn’t a believer.
Whatever it was - the sun’s going down, and all you want is a do-over. You know you’re not going to get it, but in the midst of all the guilt you feel over the myriad of ways in which you’ve screwed up, you’re resolute: tomorrow will go better. You will make better choices; you will keep your temper; you will get it right. And maybe, somehow, it will make up for today...
Except that it won’t.
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” - Isaiah 30:15 (NIV)
Ouch.
Suddenly, that resolution you just made seems a little ... well, ridiculous. Because honestly, without His help, there isn’t a whole lot of hope that tomorrow will go much better. Most of today went the way it did because you weren’t depending on Him; you were doing it on your own, and it didn’t work. You weren’t quiet, you didn’t trust Him, you felt guilty (but you didn’t repent - you didn’t do a 180 in your heart or with your actions), and you weren’t even slightly at rest. You were anxious and tense; your tone of voice was sharp when you spoke. You were - to sum it up - knee-deep in sin for most of the day.
Trying to do better might seem like the right thing to do, but the truth of the matter is, it’s not going to go any better tomorrow than it was today if you don’t get some help. No matter how genuinely you want to go into tomorrow representing Jesus - the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, it’s not going to happen if you try to do it on your own.
So what do you do?
Well, first, you repent for your sin, and admit that you can’t save yourself. Let’s look at that verse again, this time from the Message paraphrase:
“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on me - the very thing you’ve been unwilling to do.” - Isaiah 30:15b (The Message)
Did you catch that? Your salvation requires you to turn back to God and stop your ridiculous efforts to save yourself.
The Bible says: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” - Ephesians 2:8-10
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith... not by the things you do. Better still - the very faith you have in His grace? Even that isn’t yours; God gave you that, too! Your salvation is completely a gift, and all you had to do was ask for it. It wasn’t free - it was incredibly costly - but it was given to you as a gift, completely paid for, when you asked for it.
Now as Ephesians 2:10 points out, God does have things for you to do. Being kind to your coworkers, modeling a godly character in front of your kids, and living an upright lifestyle on campus are all important - but doing those things in love and obedience doesn’t save you. Jesus does. Did. Is. Will. Salvation and sanctification (becoming like the One who saves you) go hand in hand - but you have to stay dependent on Him. Jesus promised, “You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me.” (John 15:3-4)
Stay dependent on your King.
Cease striving, beloved. Be still, and know that He is God. (Psalm 46:10a) He is sovereign; He is your King. And as your King, He tells you: “In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength.” Don’t allow yourself to be counted among those who “would have none of it.” And if those five words convict you, then ask yourself:
- What is it that keeps me from repenting of my sin? (Is it my pride? My stubbornness? Too much self-reliance?)
- What keeps me from resting in the knowledge that it is by grace that I have been saved? (Do I still feel like I need to prove my worth somehow to God?)
- What is filling my life with noise, drowning out the still, quiet whisper of His voice to my heart? (Am I spending too much time watching movies, or reading? Is my schedule so full that I don’t have time to simply stop and wait on Him to speak to me?)
- What is keeping me from completely trusting Him? (Am I afraid that He will let me down in some way? Or am I afraid of what people will think if I follow Him more openly than I do?)
Take some time today and wrestle with those questions. You might be surprised by some of the answers. You might even already know them. But once you’ve gone there, all that’s left to do is to tell Him, and to settle down in complete dependence on Him, putting your faith in His incredible, unending, limitless, and amazing grace.
so, about that "next thing"....
This morning marked the beginning of a whole new season in my life.
I have become an associate pastor at my church.
!!!!!!!
I feel suddenly and unexpectedly grown up.
(tho I will probably get over it...)
My actual tasks from week to week probably won't change much at first, tho there will undoubtedly be a few new things added over time. As Mark pointed out (in one of the many conversations we had this summer, leading up to this decision), becoming an associate pastor is - in many ways - simply giving a name to something God was already doing in my life. He's given me a shepherd's heart, and a lot of leadership gifts that I have slowly (and, at times, fitfully) grown into over the past few years. This morning, my pastor and my church acknowledged that, and they prayed and cheered me into a new season of stepping out into those giftings more fully.
I am... excited. terrified. humbled. joyful. I am certain that I will learn a lot, and that I will grow in ways I can't even imagine. And I am confident that this is "the next thing" in which I am to trust God and simply follow Him.
It's going to be an amazing season.
reconciling with Oswald
My Utmost for His Highest.
I started reading it when I was in college, but found I disliked it, rather intensely. There was truth in it, but I felt so judged. So short of the mark. So I put it back on the shelf, where it collected dust, until finally I admitted to myself that I was only keeping it because it was reportedly part of any well-read Christian's library. I "wasn't ever going to read it" - so I gave it away, probably to Goodwill - maybe to a friend who wanted it - I have no idea. Either way, it's gone now.
And I'm finally, years later, a little bit sorry.
I listened to an audiobook this spring - David McCasland's Abandoned to God - a biography of Oswald Chambers. I have no idea what on earth possessed me to download it. Likely it was more that Someone in heaven prompted me to do it. It is one of the best books I have ever heard, and I am looking forward to someday owning a print copy to mark up. As the story neared the end, I found myself hoping that Oswald would not die, even though I knew he would. I was sad to come to the end of the book - it felt like losing a dear friend. I think I will likely listen to it again this summer - it was that good.
Oswald and I would have been friends, I think. He had a passion for seeing the arts restored to the church. He loved nothing better than long walks in the country and the company of good friends, talking about the Lord and His great love for us. He wrote some pretty amazing letters. He was funny. He loved music. He loved to travel. He learned to trust God through some very tight financial times. And he exercised his faith. Feeling undeniably called to it, Oswald and his wife once rented an enormous house to serve as a school - before they ever had a single student or a stick of furniture to put in it. Eventually, the Chambers and several of their students would serve overseas as missionaries in Egypt during the war. Oswald died there, of complications from appendicitis - and his wife, who had transcribed almost every message he had ever taught, devoted much of the rest of her life to publishing them. My Utmost for His Highest is actually a collection of short summaries from hour-long messages he preached to soldiers camped in Egypt. Knowing that, and knowing more of the adventurous, kind spirit behind the words, makes me want to read it again - for now I know that the man who spoke those words would never have spoken condemnation into anyone's life.
Oswald and his wife lived their life together by a very simple mission statement: "Trust God, and do the next thing." They dreamed often of what could be - prayed over those dreams, and asked the Lord for direction - but at the end of the day, even when they were certain of what God was calling them to (and when they were not), they left the future in His hands, and simply did what they knew was in front of them to do for that day. This seems to me to be a very wise way to live one's life.
My pastor told me recently that over the past few months he's watched me let go of what seemed at one time to be an almost desperate desire to know the "destination" (where are You calling me, God? and what am I supposed to do with my life?!) in favor of embracing the journey - the life lessons and joys of the here and now. It made me glad to see that what God began working in my life last fall was actually visible to someone else. I still have a lot of hopes and dreams for the future - many of which seem ridiculously unattainable - but I am less concerned than I used to be with how I will get there, or when, or even if - and much more concerned with living this life I've been given well. I do not always succeed at it; I have a remarkable gift for mucking things up sometimes. But I find myself more watchful for what today holds than I used to be. And it is good.
So today? Laundry. Dishes. Picking up a little. Going for a good long bike ride this afternoon. Cooking. Reading. Being at rest. And getting some stuff done for Torch tomorrow. It's our last week of a nine week sermon series, the staging for which involved a great many live plants, which I have been schlepping back and forth weekly. I am giving most of them away to any home that will take them, and looking forward to getting my windowsill back. It's the little things in life.... ;)
riding the wind
One early morning last week I was sitting in my favorite rocking chair, doing morning devotions and enjoying the quiet, when I was distracted by unexpected motion across the room. One helium-filled orange balloon was bobbing quietly by the couch, its string tucked under a pillow, anchoring it securely. The furnace had just kicked on, and the warm air currents coming from the vent on the floor met the cooler air currents from the ceiling fan, impacting the balloon.
I watched it for a bit, bobbing about here and there, in some seemingly random pattern, knowing that its motion was influenced by things I couldn't see - and it struck me, then, that in so many ways that balloon was a simple word picture that spoke to how I should live my life. It was anchored securely. It wasn't going anywhere it oughtn't to go (like up to the ceiling to encounter the fan, for instance). But it was free to be quietly itself, and to move as it was directed by the air currents around it.
Jesus said, "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8) We can't see the wind, but we can see its effects. Hear the leaves rustling in the trees. Watch the balloon sailing "haphazardly" (but not really) through the sky on a blustery day. The wind does come from somewhere and it is going somewhere, but all we can see are its effects.
I find this somewhat comforting, in seasons like this, when I feel like I'm not really sure where I'm coming from or where I'm going, yet I see the effects of God's Spirit at work within me. I will find out where I'm going when I get there. In the meantime, anchored tightly to Him, I can simply rest, and let the wind of His Spirit direct me moment by moment. All I need to do is ride the wind.
Which, when I'm not worrying so much about where I've been or where I'm going, is actually pretty fun. :)
I watched it for a bit, bobbing about here and there, in some seemingly random pattern, knowing that its motion was influenced by things I couldn't see - and it struck me, then, that in so many ways that balloon was a simple word picture that spoke to how I should live my life. It was anchored securely. It wasn't going anywhere it oughtn't to go (like up to the ceiling to encounter the fan, for instance). But it was free to be quietly itself, and to move as it was directed by the air currents around it.
Jesus said, "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8) We can't see the wind, but we can see its effects. Hear the leaves rustling in the trees. Watch the balloon sailing "haphazardly" (but not really) through the sky on a blustery day. The wind does come from somewhere and it is going somewhere, but all we can see are its effects.
I find this somewhat comforting, in seasons like this, when I feel like I'm not really sure where I'm coming from or where I'm going, yet I see the effects of God's Spirit at work within me. I will find out where I'm going when I get there. In the meantime, anchored tightly to Him, I can simply rest, and let the wind of His Spirit direct me moment by moment. All I need to do is ride the wind.
Which, when I'm not worrying so much about where I've been or where I'm going, is actually pretty fun. :)
gimel: enduring love
"Do good to Your servant, and I will live;
I will obey Your word.
Open my eyes that I may see
wonderful things in Your law.
I am a stranger on earth;
do not hide Your commands from me.
My soul is consumed with longing
for Your laws at all times.
You rebuke the arrogant, who are cursed
and who stray from Your commands.
Remove from me scorn and contempt,
for I keep Your statutes.
Though rulers sit together and slander me,
Your servant will meditate on Your decrees.
Your statutes are my delight;
they are my counselors."
-Psalm 119:17-24
Context, context, context.
So much of this portion of the psalm seemed at first to be so disconnected... but I've been thinking about it off and on all day, and I'm not sure after all that it is...
The first verse tripped me up a bit. It seems like David is attempting to strike a bargain with God - "if You're nice to me, I'll do what You say." Eek. That doesn't seem like a good attitude with which to walk into God's presence... He's God. He can do anything He wants, and because He's God, He's the King, and we're His servants, and we should do whatever He says... but then I got to thinking about God's character. "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." (Psalm 107:1, Psalm 118:1, Psalm 136:1) God is good - His goodness is part of what makes Him God... So maybe what David is saying is actually more of an observation of fact. "Do good to me - not so You get the response from me that You want, but because it is who You are... I know You'll do good to me - and as a result of Your goodness towards me, I will live." So what about when times are hard? Well, what we see isn't always actually what's true - you can't see air, but it's still there... so maybe on those days when we have trouble seeing the goodness of God at work in our lives, we either need to put on new glasses (redefine our misunderstandings of what God's goodness really is) or simply trust that just because we can't see it today doesn't mean it isn't true anyway...
"Open my eyes so I may see wonderful things in Your law." "I need You to do that."
"You rebuke the arrogant, who are cursed and who stray from Your commands. Remove from me scorn and contempt..." "I see those tendencies in myself, God... I could so easily become arrogant - but I don't want to be. Help me... " How does God help? By showing us the good way so we can walk in it (Jeremiah 6:16) ... His laws, His statutes, His decrees, His promises.... guideposts, streetsigns, maps, directions...
"Though rulers sit together and slander me, Your servant will meditate on Your decrees." "I don't care who mocks me for this; I'm going to live my life Your way..."
Oh for that kind of passion for God's Word, and for that kind of dedication to following Him...
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God..." - Psalm 42:1
"My soul is consumed with longing for Your laws at all times..."
I want this to be true of me.
I will obey Your word.
Open my eyes that I may see
wonderful things in Your law.
I am a stranger on earth;
do not hide Your commands from me.
My soul is consumed with longing
for Your laws at all times.
You rebuke the arrogant, who are cursed
and who stray from Your commands.
Remove from me scorn and contempt,
for I keep Your statutes.
Though rulers sit together and slander me,
Your servant will meditate on Your decrees.
Your statutes are my delight;
they are my counselors."
-Psalm 119:17-24
Context, context, context.
So much of this portion of the psalm seemed at first to be so disconnected... but I've been thinking about it off and on all day, and I'm not sure after all that it is...
The first verse tripped me up a bit. It seems like David is attempting to strike a bargain with God - "if You're nice to me, I'll do what You say." Eek. That doesn't seem like a good attitude with which to walk into God's presence... He's God. He can do anything He wants, and because He's God, He's the King, and we're His servants, and we should do whatever He says... but then I got to thinking about God's character. "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." (Psalm 107:1, Psalm 118:1, Psalm 136:1) God is good - His goodness is part of what makes Him God... So maybe what David is saying is actually more of an observation of fact. "Do good to me - not so You get the response from me that You want, but because it is who You are... I know You'll do good to me - and as a result of Your goodness towards me, I will live." So what about when times are hard? Well, what we see isn't always actually what's true - you can't see air, but it's still there... so maybe on those days when we have trouble seeing the goodness of God at work in our lives, we either need to put on new glasses (redefine our misunderstandings of what God's goodness really is) or simply trust that just because we can't see it today doesn't mean it isn't true anyway...
"Open my eyes so I may see wonderful things in Your law." "I need You to do that."
"You rebuke the arrogant, who are cursed and who stray from Your commands. Remove from me scorn and contempt..." "I see those tendencies in myself, God... I could so easily become arrogant - but I don't want to be. Help me... " How does God help? By showing us the good way so we can walk in it (Jeremiah 6:16) ... His laws, His statutes, His decrees, His promises.... guideposts, streetsigns, maps, directions...
"Though rulers sit together and slander me, Your servant will meditate on Your decrees." "I don't care who mocks me for this; I'm going to live my life Your way..."
Oh for that kind of passion for God's Word, and for that kind of dedication to following Him...
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God..." - Psalm 42:1
"My soul is consumed with longing for Your laws at all times..."
I want this to be true of me.
another year, another crossroads
This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, 'We will not walk in it.' - Jeremiah 6:16
Last year I wrote a post on New Year's Day - not about the resolutions I would make and not keep, but about what I truly longed for God to do in my life over the course of the coming year. I have seen Him do all of it - and while I will grant you that there is still room to grow (and probably always will be, this side of eternity), I have seen His faithfulness. So I can't help but want to revisit the idea. :)
Last years' hopes, as posted:
1) I would like to see God's hand at work in the development of my character. I want to become a more humble person, more caring, more compassionate, more honest, more trustworthy, a better friend, a kinder person - more like Jesus. I want to love God and my neighbor not because I "have to" or because it's right, but because it's an honest extension of who I am. I cannot become those things on my own. I need Him to refine me.
2) I want to recognize God's voice more clearly and more readily. To do this I need to spend more time in worship, more time in His Word, and more time in His Presence. I need Him to teach me how to hear His voice.
3) I want the Lord to teach me how to trust Him more deeply than I already do. I am aware that this means He will likely lead me into (or allow) circumstances that will require me to trust Him. Remind me I said this, but I'm okay with that, if it means that I truly learn to trust Him for everything I need, materially, emotionally, spiritually - everything.
This year:
1) I would love to see God continue all of that in me on an even deeper level.
Specifically:
a) I want to be even more transparent about the things that are really going on in my life than I currently am. I was closer to that a year ago than I am now; I wrote a few things last winter about being transparent, but I have allowed the hurt that resulted from risking in that area with some people that I trusted to prevent me from being as real as I could be with everyone. I do recognize the need for discretion. Nonetheless, I can be more honest and more forthcoming both in terms of what I choose to write about and in topics I choose to discuss than I have been, and I would like to become a less guarded person - not simply because being truthful is healthy but because it might actually help some people to benefit from my experiences, even the more awkward and less than perfect ones.
b) I want to be more practically missional. I think God has done a lot in my heart in terms of stirring compassion over the past year - but I need to get out of my little comfort zone and actually find people who need help. Or maybe open my eyes to actually see the situations that cross my path that I could do something about... even if it's "just" prayer. "Just..." As if. Prayer is where most of the work gets done, tho it's true that God often uses us to put hands and feet to the work...
c) I want to hear God's voice more often. He's gone out of His way (it seems to me, tho really, I bet He had it planned all along) to answer that particular prayer about hearing His voice more clearly. He's proven to me on so many levels and very consistently this year that I do actually hear His voice... but the hearing of it, and His faithfulness to do what He's said, has made me long for more consistent and more sustained conversation with Him. Something I have been praying for over the past couple of months and for which I am truly longing is for God to speak to me through visions and dreams. That said, I realize that my part is to listen... But I would also like to learn how to interpret what I hear rightly, as I think it's possible that some things He's said over this past year I've heard rightly, but interpreted incorrectly.
d) I want to learn to trust God for His timing. Those of you who know me best know that something I have genuinely longed for is to be married to a godly man whom I love and who loves me tremendously and with whom I can serve God in all the ways that I've been called to serve Him. It's become fairly apparent that at this point in my life, His opinion is that I'm just fine as I am - that I do, as Paul advises, serve God better, at this point in time, as a single woman. I want to be okay with that. I want to not dream of "something better" but live in the reality that because this is His path for me, it is already better. I want to stop believing the lie that there is something wrong with me because I have not managed to "land" a husband (as if it were really as simple as fishing for him) - and I want to embrace the truth that God's plans for me truly are the best ones, and remember that every "failed" relationship or crush is simply evidence that God has protected me from a path that wasn't meant to be...
2) I want to experience a deeper love for God's Word. I want a more consistent devotional life - not because you're "supposed" to have one - (I mean, really, what do Christian people in tribes who don't have God's word written out in their language yet do for a devotional life? does it mean they're not saved because they don't have "quiet times"? I don't think so...! This expression needs redefinition!)- but because it reflects the reality of a deeper walk with God. I want to walk and talk with Him throughout the day, not simply for 25 minutes before 6:15am. And I want to memorize His word, so that when I need it, it's there, in my heart and in my mind, even if the practical nature of my day has not allowed for that hour of worship I'd really love to build in...
3) I want to understand and more confidently walk into the specifics of the calling(s) that God has on my life. I think I'm beginning to put a few of the pieces together, but I'm still not sure that all the pieces are in the right place yet. I want to walk away from this year understanding a little more clearly exactly what my giftings are, what my passions are really (as opposed to the ones I've been told I should have - if there's a difference), and I want to see myself living into them more than I am right now.
and 4) I want to learn to live in a more perpetual state of Sabbath rest. Ironically, that's where this blog began... My very first post ever was about rest and my need for it and its relationship to the expectations (either self-imposed or felt) to which I felt I was not quite attaining properly... It's no secret to anyone who's been reading my blog this year that I struggle often with a sense of complete failure at "measuring up", with perfectionism, and with a "socially-acceptable" level of over-commitment at times. God has brought me a long way in all three of those areas over the past couple of years, and in the past 6 months in particular, I have seen Him at work in my heart, healing the places that need it and re-structuring the way I think and therefore the way I behave - but there's more to do. That road trip this summer was truly a pivotal series of moments. As I wrote then, "the entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself." It was like I came home with this internal meter by which to measure my state of rest - a deep, experiential understanding of what rest felt like, so that I'd know when I was there and when I wasn't. I am not yet there as often as I'd like to be.
So here's to a New Year. Last year was incredible. I am still floored that everything that happened in it really fit in one year. I am truly looking forward to seeing what He'll do this year. :)
Last year I wrote a post on New Year's Day - not about the resolutions I would make and not keep, but about what I truly longed for God to do in my life over the course of the coming year. I have seen Him do all of it - and while I will grant you that there is still room to grow (and probably always will be, this side of eternity), I have seen His faithfulness. So I can't help but want to revisit the idea. :)
Last years' hopes, as posted:
1) I would like to see God's hand at work in the development of my character. I want to become a more humble person, more caring, more compassionate, more honest, more trustworthy, a better friend, a kinder person - more like Jesus. I want to love God and my neighbor not because I "have to" or because it's right, but because it's an honest extension of who I am. I cannot become those things on my own. I need Him to refine me.
2) I want to recognize God's voice more clearly and more readily. To do this I need to spend more time in worship, more time in His Word, and more time in His Presence. I need Him to teach me how to hear His voice.
3) I want the Lord to teach me how to trust Him more deeply than I already do. I am aware that this means He will likely lead me into (or allow) circumstances that will require me to trust Him. Remind me I said this, but I'm okay with that, if it means that I truly learn to trust Him for everything I need, materially, emotionally, spiritually - everything.
This year:
1) I would love to see God continue all of that in me on an even deeper level.
Specifically:
a) I want to be even more transparent about the things that are really going on in my life than I currently am. I was closer to that a year ago than I am now; I wrote a few things last winter about being transparent, but I have allowed the hurt that resulted from risking in that area with some people that I trusted to prevent me from being as real as I could be with everyone. I do recognize the need for discretion. Nonetheless, I can be more honest and more forthcoming both in terms of what I choose to write about and in topics I choose to discuss than I have been, and I would like to become a less guarded person - not simply because being truthful is healthy but because it might actually help some people to benefit from my experiences, even the more awkward and less than perfect ones.
b) I want to be more practically missional. I think God has done a lot in my heart in terms of stirring compassion over the past year - but I need to get out of my little comfort zone and actually find people who need help. Or maybe open my eyes to actually see the situations that cross my path that I could do something about... even if it's "just" prayer. "Just..." As if. Prayer is where most of the work gets done, tho it's true that God often uses us to put hands and feet to the work...
c) I want to hear God's voice more often. He's gone out of His way (it seems to me, tho really, I bet He had it planned all along) to answer that particular prayer about hearing His voice more clearly. He's proven to me on so many levels and very consistently this year that I do actually hear His voice... but the hearing of it, and His faithfulness to do what He's said, has made me long for more consistent and more sustained conversation with Him. Something I have been praying for over the past couple of months and for which I am truly longing is for God to speak to me through visions and dreams. That said, I realize that my part is to listen... But I would also like to learn how to interpret what I hear rightly, as I think it's possible that some things He's said over this past year I've heard rightly, but interpreted incorrectly.
d) I want to learn to trust God for His timing. Those of you who know me best know that something I have genuinely longed for is to be married to a godly man whom I love and who loves me tremendously and with whom I can serve God in all the ways that I've been called to serve Him. It's become fairly apparent that at this point in my life, His opinion is that I'm just fine as I am - that I do, as Paul advises, serve God better, at this point in time, as a single woman. I want to be okay with that. I want to not dream of "something better" but live in the reality that because this is His path for me, it is already better. I want to stop believing the lie that there is something wrong with me because I have not managed to "land" a husband (as if it were really as simple as fishing for him) - and I want to embrace the truth that God's plans for me truly are the best ones, and remember that every "failed" relationship or crush is simply evidence that God has protected me from a path that wasn't meant to be...
2) I want to experience a deeper love for God's Word. I want a more consistent devotional life - not because you're "supposed" to have one - (I mean, really, what do Christian people in tribes who don't have God's word written out in their language yet do for a devotional life? does it mean they're not saved because they don't have "quiet times"? I don't think so...! This expression needs redefinition!)- but because it reflects the reality of a deeper walk with God. I want to walk and talk with Him throughout the day, not simply for 25 minutes before 6:15am. And I want to memorize His word, so that when I need it, it's there, in my heart and in my mind, even if the practical nature of my day has not allowed for that hour of worship I'd really love to build in...
3) I want to understand and more confidently walk into the specifics of the calling(s) that God has on my life. I think I'm beginning to put a few of the pieces together, but I'm still not sure that all the pieces are in the right place yet. I want to walk away from this year understanding a little more clearly exactly what my giftings are, what my passions are really (as opposed to the ones I've been told I should have - if there's a difference), and I want to see myself living into them more than I am right now.
and 4) I want to learn to live in a more perpetual state of Sabbath rest. Ironically, that's where this blog began... My very first post ever was about rest and my need for it and its relationship to the expectations (either self-imposed or felt) to which I felt I was not quite attaining properly... It's no secret to anyone who's been reading my blog this year that I struggle often with a sense of complete failure at "measuring up", with perfectionism, and with a "socially-acceptable" level of over-commitment at times. God has brought me a long way in all three of those areas over the past couple of years, and in the past 6 months in particular, I have seen Him at work in my heart, healing the places that need it and re-structuring the way I think and therefore the way I behave - but there's more to do. That road trip this summer was truly a pivotal series of moments. As I wrote then, "the entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself." It was like I came home with this internal meter by which to measure my state of rest - a deep, experiential understanding of what rest felt like, so that I'd know when I was there and when I wasn't. I am not yet there as often as I'd like to be.
So here's to a New Year. Last year was incredible. I am still floored that everything that happened in it really fit in one year. I am truly looking forward to seeing what He'll do this year. :)
dinner with Jesus
I've been on a journey these past 21 days, and I'm still not sure how much I can say. For the most part it hasn't felt very holy, but I've been practicing a spiritual discipline at what I believe was God's request, and I believe that not only has God been honored by my obedience in it, but that He's done more than I may ever know... not the least of which is that He's changed my heart a little bit more - turned me, a little bit more than ever, toward Himself.
Today was the 21st day, and I turned off the ringer on my phone and closed the computer, and spent the day in intercession, meditation, and reflection. I read an entire book from cover to cover, and as I read story after story about God's faithfulness today, I found myself melting into one big happy puddle of contentedness and confidence in God's goodness. I am no closer to having any answers to the questions I have been asking God for 21 days - but I am closer to Him, and because of that alone, I believe it's all been worth it.
To celebrate my love for Christ, and His for me, I had dinner with Jesus tonight. Have you ever noticed how incredibly good food is? How just the right combination of meat and spices with just the right veggies and some feta can totally be the perfect end to a perfect day? Have you thought about how carefully God designed the world - so that peas growing on vines and carrots growing in the dirt not only look pretty but taste great when you put them together? Have you thought about how in the world someone ever figured out how to make rice vinegar? Or who thought to put lavender into a spice blend that's amazing on chicken? Who in the world figured out how to make chocolate? (God bless them...)
But as amazing as all the food on my table was tonight, and as much as I appreciated it, what made it perfect was knowing that King of the Universe was here, having dinner with me. His company made it a perfect day today. The God who made and named every star spent the day with me... and with every other person on this planet. I love that. I love that He who has the affairs of whole nations to attend to loves me so much that He took time to attend to some of mine today. I feel ridiculously loved and cherished. As rich as any queen. And so deeply and incredibly blessed.
I have been worried and anxious about so many things this year... but it is time to let it all go. My God - my King - loves me, and is watching out for me... and my lack of understanding of what He is doing or why or how does not alter the truth that He is caring for me, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He is to be trusted. This is a God I can follow anywhere, and while troubles may (and will ) come, I can rest confidently in the truth of His love for me, and the knowledge that nothing - no, nothing - is too much for Him.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:1-2
Today was the 21st day, and I turned off the ringer on my phone and closed the computer, and spent the day in intercession, meditation, and reflection. I read an entire book from cover to cover, and as I read story after story about God's faithfulness today, I found myself melting into one big happy puddle of contentedness and confidence in God's goodness. I am no closer to having any answers to the questions I have been asking God for 21 days - but I am closer to Him, and because of that alone, I believe it's all been worth it.
To celebrate my love for Christ, and His for me, I had dinner with Jesus tonight. Have you ever noticed how incredibly good food is? How just the right combination of meat and spices with just the right veggies and some feta can totally be the perfect end to a perfect day? Have you thought about how carefully God designed the world - so that peas growing on vines and carrots growing in the dirt not only look pretty but taste great when you put them together? Have you thought about how in the world someone ever figured out how to make rice vinegar? Or who thought to put lavender into a spice blend that's amazing on chicken? Who in the world figured out how to make chocolate? (God bless them...)
But as amazing as all the food on my table was tonight, and as much as I appreciated it, what made it perfect was knowing that King of the Universe was here, having dinner with me. His company made it a perfect day today. The God who made and named every star spent the day with me... and with every other person on this planet. I love that. I love that He who has the affairs of whole nations to attend to loves me so much that He took time to attend to some of mine today. I feel ridiculously loved and cherished. As rich as any queen. And so deeply and incredibly blessed.
I have been worried and anxious about so many things this year... but it is time to let it all go. My God - my King - loves me, and is watching out for me... and my lack of understanding of what He is doing or why or how does not alter the truth that He is caring for me, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He is to be trusted. This is a God I can follow anywhere, and while troubles may (and will ) come, I can rest confidently in the truth of His love for me, and the knowledge that nothing - no, nothing - is too much for Him.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:1-2
singing this love song
Day 5. I woke up later than usual in a little motel called The Welsh in Wall, South Dakota. (And no, I did not go to Wall Drug although it was right across the street. I didn't know I was supposed to. Tho its apparent fame does explain all the billboards for it on the interstate.) :P
Getting to the Welsh had been quite the journey the night before. I was exhausted, but I felt God urging me to press on closer to home that night. I wanted to stop in Wyoming, but felt He said to keep going into South Dakota. I kept driving, hearing "not yet." "5 more minutes." "1 more exit." Milestones, all of them, not destinations. Driving thru Rapid City, "See? And you said you would never make it this far." There were times when this conversation felt extremely frustrating, and at one point I was seriously questioning whether any of this was really God talking, or if I was having a conversation with my perfectionist, over-achieving self and if, really, I should have stopped hours earlier... and I drove past a billboard that said, "I am the Good Shepherd." And I had to laugh. "My sheep know my voice, Hap." So I kept driving.
"Almost there. You'll know it when you see it."
"I have no idea what I'm looking for, Lord."
"I know. Kind of fun, isn't it?"
pause. "Well, yes, actually..."
More driving. Looking for a sign (literal or metaphorical). Nothing, for a long time. And then, just as I was about to hit the proverbial wall, there were the signs. "Wall, South Dakota." Ha ha. So I stopped, and spent the night rooming in one of the coziest little motels I've ever seen. My room would have fit perfectly in any secluded retreat center, it was so peacefully and artfully decorated - I felt I'd come home.
As I was leaving in the morning, God said, "Hap, no matter what happens today, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me." okay... So, you would think that after the four days of incredible rest I had been experiencing that quiet trust would come easily. Apparently not. I started to worry... what if my car broke down in the middle of nowhere? what if I got in an accident? what if something happened to someone I cared about and I was stuck two days from home still and couldn't get to them? what if, what if, what if.... and God let me get away with that all the way to Minnesota. Even stopping at Al's (where the coffee is still 5 cents!) for lunch did not alleviate my concerns for long. (should I even be here? maybe i should have kept going...) I was second-guessing everything I did, and I was tired, and cranky, and... oh. I am so sorry, Lord. I haven't really trusted You today.
"Sometimes 'what happens' to you is emotional, too, Hap. No matter what, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me."
Got it. (Minnesota, already a beautiful state to drive through, was an even more pleasant drive after that.) :) And the first part of Wisconsin... and then I started thinking about finding a place to stop. I wanted to rest, journal, maybe take a walk somewhere and watch the sunset. I just wanted to be with God, somewhere other than my car.
And I couldn't find anywhere to stay. Every place I stopped was either sketchy, too expensive, or booked. And then I was close to the Dells and it was a Thursday night, so there was no point in stopping - and then I was past them - and then I was just a few short hours from home, so what was the point in spending that kind of money when I could just go home? So I drove through the night and got home sometime between 2 and 3 am. It was craziness. But it was also kind of fun...
And God sustained me. And at the end of that very long day, I went to sleep, praising Him for His goodness and for bringing me home.
That night I was driving through South Dakota, before I found a place to stay, when I was so exhausted but felt God urging me to keep going... He said, "Do you feel me sustaining you?" and I did. I really did... I could feel the strength and the ability to simply keep going that He was giving me. And what I think He said then is this: "I'm going to give you rest this year - more periods of longer rest than you might imagine at this point - but there will be seasons where you will have to plow a little harder, too. In those times, because you have been at rest, you will be able to run hard and be at rest internally - you will feel Me sustaining you. Even when you are very tired, remember, I will sustain you."
How could I have forgotten so quickly? And yet... the object lesson stuck with me once I realized on that last day what I'd done.
The entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself.
Years ago, one of the chaplains at Hope preached on a verse from the psalms, and I can't find it this morning, but it says, "I lie down, I sleep, I wake again; the Lord sustains me." And he talked about the connection between the two parts of that verse - the pattern of daily living and God's sustaining power in all of it... and I love that. In music when you sustain a note, you hold it out; you make it last longer... in life, when God sustains us, the sound - the chord - the melody of our lives is held - and I suspect that if we truly lived in a pattern of rest and activity, allowing the Lord to sustain us, that our lives would truly sing a love song to His heart that the world could not help but notice. It's what I want for my life, anyway. So be at rest, o my soul. Amen.
Getting to the Welsh had been quite the journey the night before. I was exhausted, but I felt God urging me to press on closer to home that night. I wanted to stop in Wyoming, but felt He said to keep going into South Dakota. I kept driving, hearing "not yet." "5 more minutes." "1 more exit." Milestones, all of them, not destinations. Driving thru Rapid City, "See? And you said you would never make it this far." There were times when this conversation felt extremely frustrating, and at one point I was seriously questioning whether any of this was really God talking, or if I was having a conversation with my perfectionist, over-achieving self and if, really, I should have stopped hours earlier... and I drove past a billboard that said, "I am the Good Shepherd." And I had to laugh. "My sheep know my voice, Hap." So I kept driving.
"Almost there. You'll know it when you see it."
"I have no idea what I'm looking for, Lord."
"I know. Kind of fun, isn't it?"
pause. "Well, yes, actually..."
More driving. Looking for a sign (literal or metaphorical). Nothing, for a long time. And then, just as I was about to hit the proverbial wall, there were the signs. "Wall, South Dakota." Ha ha. So I stopped, and spent the night rooming in one of the coziest little motels I've ever seen. My room would have fit perfectly in any secluded retreat center, it was so peacefully and artfully decorated - I felt I'd come home.
As I was leaving in the morning, God said, "Hap, no matter what happens today, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me." okay... So, you would think that after the four days of incredible rest I had been experiencing that quiet trust would come easily. Apparently not. I started to worry... what if my car broke down in the middle of nowhere? what if I got in an accident? what if something happened to someone I cared about and I was stuck two days from home still and couldn't get to them? what if, what if, what if.... and God let me get away with that all the way to Minnesota. Even stopping at Al's (where the coffee is still 5 cents!) for lunch did not alleviate my concerns for long. (should I even be here? maybe i should have kept going...) I was second-guessing everything I did, and I was tired, and cranky, and... oh. I am so sorry, Lord. I haven't really trusted You today.
"Sometimes 'what happens' to you is emotional, too, Hap. No matter what, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me."
Got it. (Minnesota, already a beautiful state to drive through, was an even more pleasant drive after that.) :) And the first part of Wisconsin... and then I started thinking about finding a place to stop. I wanted to rest, journal, maybe take a walk somewhere and watch the sunset. I just wanted to be with God, somewhere other than my car.
And I couldn't find anywhere to stay. Every place I stopped was either sketchy, too expensive, or booked. And then I was close to the Dells and it was a Thursday night, so there was no point in stopping - and then I was past them - and then I was just a few short hours from home, so what was the point in spending that kind of money when I could just go home? So I drove through the night and got home sometime between 2 and 3 am. It was craziness. But it was also kind of fun...
And God sustained me. And at the end of that very long day, I went to sleep, praising Him for His goodness and for bringing me home.
That night I was driving through South Dakota, before I found a place to stay, when I was so exhausted but felt God urging me to keep going... He said, "Do you feel me sustaining you?" and I did. I really did... I could feel the strength and the ability to simply keep going that He was giving me. And what I think He said then is this: "I'm going to give you rest this year - more periods of longer rest than you might imagine at this point - but there will be seasons where you will have to plow a little harder, too. In those times, because you have been at rest, you will be able to run hard and be at rest internally - you will feel Me sustaining you. Even when you are very tired, remember, I will sustain you."
How could I have forgotten so quickly? And yet... the object lesson stuck with me once I realized on that last day what I'd done.
The entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself.
Years ago, one of the chaplains at Hope preached on a verse from the psalms, and I can't find it this morning, but it says, "I lie down, I sleep, I wake again; the Lord sustains me." And he talked about the connection between the two parts of that verse - the pattern of daily living and God's sustaining power in all of it... and I love that. In music when you sustain a note, you hold it out; you make it last longer... in life, when God sustains us, the sound - the chord - the melody of our lives is held - and I suspect that if we truly lived in a pattern of rest and activity, allowing the Lord to sustain us, that our lives would truly sing a love song to His heart that the world could not help but notice. It's what I want for my life, anyway. So be at rest, o my soul. Amen.
rainbows and promises
I left the waterfall completely at peace. It had, thus far, been a good trip - not without its less fortunate moments (lol...) but good. I was ready to go home.
One of the things that completely blows me away about God is the incredible vastness of His creativity. The landscapes for a majority of this trip were absolutely breathtaking. There were actually times when I simply felt exhausted (particularly in Yellowstone) by the beauty that surrounded me - I was completely overwhelmed by it, and couldn't take in anything else. (This may have had something to do with the altitude too, but I don't really think so.) ;)
The drive back through Montana was just as lovely as it had been on the way to the Park. And then there was Wyoming (I took a different route home). Do you know, the phrase "rolling hills"? I get that now. There really doesn't seem to be a better way to describe it. And the big sky of Montana (they were so not kidding about that!) follows you a good way through Wyoming. It was so incredibly, achingly beautiful. I could totally live there - if it weren't for the snakes...
I drove into a rainstorm in Wyoming, and the cool thing about that was that I could see it raining up ahead for miles before I ever actually got there. And behind me, the sun was just starting to go down. Perfect rainbow conditions, wouldn't you say? The same sort of thing had happened in Montana on the way out - I actually, there, drove under the corner of a storm system - it was so cool - blue skies all around it - which I guess is true of any storm really, but how often do you get to see that from the ground? (The rainbow pictured above is actually the one I saw there.)
I was praying, at that point of the trip, about a situation back home that had been bugging me a fair bit (okay, truthfully, I was imagining what I would say to someone whom I knew would ask me about it when I got home, realized what I was doing (having a conversation with someone who was not there) and turned it to prayer), and I felt like God was saying, "Hap, it's going to be okay about - (the situation)" and my response to that was, "okay, I trust You," and then I looked out the window and there was a rainbow in the skies, and I thought, wow, that was cool timing; thanks, God!
And then I kept thinking about the situation... about how much what so-and-so had said had really hurt, etc. - and I started to get upset about it - and it started to rain. Remember back when I was working on that (still unfinished song) for the widow of Zarephath? That whole concept of asking God to send the rain has really stuck with me - I was talking with a friend about the widow's story months ago, and my friend observed that God had provided for this woman so faithfully on a day-to-day basis, but that what she really needed was the rain - and that tension between knowing that what you have is enough for today but still waiting for something else really resonated with me - and for this situation, I started asking God to send His rain - at least metaphorically - but you wouldn't believe how often it's rained at significant moments over the past two months. Maybe it's all coincidence. Maybe it's not. At any rate, this moment really didn't feel like coincidence.
I looked over at the rainbow, and it was now a double rainbow. And in case I hadn't gotten the point - the highway turned just then, and I could see both sides of the double rainbow. It was amazing. I don't know what "it'll be okay" looks like in terms of practical reality - but I believe it. :)
early-morning watchfulness
I rise before dawn and cry for help;
I have put my hope in Your Word.
My eyes stay open through the watches of the night,
that I may meditate on Your promises.
- Psalm 119: 147-148
I woke up at 3:30am this morning. I have no idea why. I woke up with the words to song a friend and I are writing in my head, and I can't exactly go work on it, as it's a piano song, and everyone else in the house is still asleep. So I've just been laying in bed, praying and thinking, and wondering what's up with this... not feeling particularly a direction towards anything except just being with Jesus. So it's me, Jesus, a little Josh Schicker music in the background, and a partially blank screen.. Anything could happen now... lol.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope,
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
- Psalm 130:5-7
There are so many things in life we wait for. At breakfast with some dear young friends, about a week or so ago, I told a pre-schooler she needed to wait a minute for something. Her older brother at the wise old age of six observed very profoundly, "There are a lot of waits in life." I totally cracked up. If he only knew! "Why, yes, there are, dear." "You know, like for birthdays and Christmas and things." lol... yes, those are really hard to wait for. Tho I don't mind waiting for the next birthday as much as I maybe once did....it can take a little longer to get here; I'm okay with that...
What are you waiting for? And what do you do while you wait? There are a lot of things I'm waiting for, have been waiting for, still am waiting for, may wait till kingdom come for... waiting is kind of a theme in my life, and probably always will be... it's just life. But waiting was never meant to be like waiting at the bus stop, twiddling your fingers, waiting for the bus to show up, totally wasting time, unproductive. Waiting is time, time to be spent doing something. But what?
I would propose that we are to be waiting on the Lord, and that it's an incredibly active thing. It's getting in the Word, spending time in His presence, getting to know Him better, becoming more like Him. Waiting is a season of preparation for something else. There's a very real sense in which we will always be waiting, in this life anyway, because this life is the prologue to a very beautiful story - it may even be just the first paragraph...
I've felt a pull of late to just get away and get quiet. A lot of stuff in my life is just getting put aside right now, and it may not always be that way, but I have been so busy these past few months that I think somewhere along the way, I lost a part of myself without realizing I'd done it... I'm not sure how to explain that well - I was still me - but I wasn't... centered. Whole. Completely healthy. I got thoroughly tired. And I didn't have time. So there are things now with which I am - at least for now - just done. School. 4 more classes to go, and I'll get to them eventually. Just not now. And I stepped down from leading worship at my church. That one surprised even me... But I felt the most glorious freedom even as I did it. I'm not going to not lead worship - I'm still at Torch, and probably will be for awhile. I actually have more time to pour into that now, and I'm so glad for that.
And what to do with the rest of the time that is suddenly free? Well, I'm going to paint. Finish a couple of art projects I've had going for a year. Write. Read. Watch movies. Hang out with my friends, and maybe make some new ones. Bike. Journal. Breathe. And get away with the Lord to just sit at His feet and listen to His voice. He's taught me so much already this year about hearing Him - and the fact that I actually do - and now I just want to hear what He has to say, and follow His lead - wherever that may be. I've had this unshakable sense for a few months now that there is something new, just around the corner... tho I have no idea what it is.
"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." - John 3:8
That's kind of an exciting way to live, don't you think? :) I have no idea what's next... so I'm just going to wait for it.
I have put my hope in Your Word.
My eyes stay open through the watches of the night,
that I may meditate on Your promises.
- Psalm 119: 147-148
I woke up at 3:30am this morning. I have no idea why. I woke up with the words to song a friend and I are writing in my head, and I can't exactly go work on it, as it's a piano song, and everyone else in the house is still asleep. So I've just been laying in bed, praying and thinking, and wondering what's up with this... not feeling particularly a direction towards anything except just being with Jesus. So it's me, Jesus, a little Josh Schicker music in the background, and a partially blank screen.. Anything could happen now... lol.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope,
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
- Psalm 130:5-7
There are so many things in life we wait for. At breakfast with some dear young friends, about a week or so ago, I told a pre-schooler she needed to wait a minute for something. Her older brother at the wise old age of six observed very profoundly, "There are a lot of waits in life." I totally cracked up. If he only knew! "Why, yes, there are, dear." "You know, like for birthdays and Christmas and things." lol... yes, those are really hard to wait for. Tho I don't mind waiting for the next birthday as much as I maybe once did....it can take a little longer to get here; I'm okay with that...
What are you waiting for? And what do you do while you wait? There are a lot of things I'm waiting for, have been waiting for, still am waiting for, may wait till kingdom come for... waiting is kind of a theme in my life, and probably always will be... it's just life. But waiting was never meant to be like waiting at the bus stop, twiddling your fingers, waiting for the bus to show up, totally wasting time, unproductive. Waiting is time, time to be spent doing something. But what?
I would propose that we are to be waiting on the Lord, and that it's an incredibly active thing. It's getting in the Word, spending time in His presence, getting to know Him better, becoming more like Him. Waiting is a season of preparation for something else. There's a very real sense in which we will always be waiting, in this life anyway, because this life is the prologue to a very beautiful story - it may even be just the first paragraph...
I've felt a pull of late to just get away and get quiet. A lot of stuff in my life is just getting put aside right now, and it may not always be that way, but I have been so busy these past few months that I think somewhere along the way, I lost a part of myself without realizing I'd done it... I'm not sure how to explain that well - I was still me - but I wasn't... centered. Whole. Completely healthy. I got thoroughly tired. And I didn't have time. So there are things now with which I am - at least for now - just done. School. 4 more classes to go, and I'll get to them eventually. Just not now. And I stepped down from leading worship at my church. That one surprised even me... But I felt the most glorious freedom even as I did it. I'm not going to not lead worship - I'm still at Torch, and probably will be for awhile. I actually have more time to pour into that now, and I'm so glad for that.
And what to do with the rest of the time that is suddenly free? Well, I'm going to paint. Finish a couple of art projects I've had going for a year. Write. Read. Watch movies. Hang out with my friends, and maybe make some new ones. Bike. Journal. Breathe. And get away with the Lord to just sit at His feet and listen to His voice. He's taught me so much already this year about hearing Him - and the fact that I actually do - and now I just want to hear what He has to say, and follow His lead - wherever that may be. I've had this unshakable sense for a few months now that there is something new, just around the corner... tho I have no idea what it is.
"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." - John 3:8
That's kind of an exciting way to live, don't you think? :) I have no idea what's next... so I'm just going to wait for it.
time, tempo, trouble - and learning to fly
I've got the lyrics to one of Andrew Peterson's songs in my head this morning; it's actually, I've just discovered, a Mary Chapin Carpenter song, but I learned it from Andrew. :) It's called Why Walk When You Can Fly - and it's off his Clear to Venus album, which I would highly recommend. (shameless plug endethed.)
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble
But a whole lot of ground to gain...
Those words sum up a lot for me right now. Have you ever had one of those days where the awfulness of the Fall and of sin and its consequences just overwhelm you? I woke up in that mode, grieving over a couple of situations in my life that simply stink, and there is nothing to be done about them - they could have been avoided if we weren't all so stupid (those of us involved in them) but they couldn't have been either, because we were broken as kids by the stupidity resulting from the brokenness of other people - and so the cycle goes, all the way back through history, and here we are, broken-hearted, completely crushed, and grieving, and wondering if there's a way out... and yet knowing and trusting that there is. (That's the ground to gain, in time, by grace, mercy, love, compassion, hope...and all those good things...)
And then I look at pictures of the earthquake in China and the grief-stricken faces of the people who are hurt, broken, lost, who have lost... and I think, sheesh, Hap, what are you griping about? You have a roof over your head, food on the table, and friends and family that love you dearly. You have a job, and two ridiculously nice guitars, and more books than you have even been able to read. Sure, there's loss, and it stinks, but it's nothing like this... those poor people... and so many of them without that hope, who don't know that there's ground to gain... who don't have a home, don't have a job now because their office building collapsed, who lost people they loved, who don't know the King of Glory or the hope of heaven ... I am richly blessed, so what am I crying about?
And yet the God of all grace sees every tear, knows where it comes from, and is no less concerned for my heartache than He is for that of China...
I knew someone once who had a weird thing for Bob Dylan (depressing music, but occasionally lyrically brilliant), and the words to this song have stuck with me: Series of Dreams - this bit is my favorite:
Thinking of a series of dreams
Where the time and the tempo fly
And there's no exit in any direction
'Cept the one that you can't see with your eyes
Thank You, God that it exists... May time and tempo fly today, for all who need it to - and may we find the Way out of this broken, hopeless world (in all the ways that manifests itself), so we may fly to You. Amen.
lol... glimpse into Happy's head: I finished typing that, and all I could think was, "Fly, you fools! Fly!" - Gandalf, from one of the Lord of the Rings movies....
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble
But a whole lot of ground to gain...
Those words sum up a lot for me right now. Have you ever had one of those days where the awfulness of the Fall and of sin and its consequences just overwhelm you? I woke up in that mode, grieving over a couple of situations in my life that simply stink, and there is nothing to be done about them - they could have been avoided if we weren't all so stupid (those of us involved in them) but they couldn't have been either, because we were broken as kids by the stupidity resulting from the brokenness of other people - and so the cycle goes, all the way back through history, and here we are, broken-hearted, completely crushed, and grieving, and wondering if there's a way out... and yet knowing and trusting that there is. (That's the ground to gain, in time, by grace, mercy, love, compassion, hope...and all those good things...)
And then I look at pictures of the earthquake in China and the grief-stricken faces of the people who are hurt, broken, lost, who have lost... and I think, sheesh, Hap, what are you griping about? You have a roof over your head, food on the table, and friends and family that love you dearly. You have a job, and two ridiculously nice guitars, and more books than you have even been able to read. Sure, there's loss, and it stinks, but it's nothing like this... those poor people... and so many of them without that hope, who don't know that there's ground to gain... who don't have a home, don't have a job now because their office building collapsed, who lost people they loved, who don't know the King of Glory or the hope of heaven ... I am richly blessed, so what am I crying about?
And yet the God of all grace sees every tear, knows where it comes from, and is no less concerned for my heartache than He is for that of China...
I knew someone once who had a weird thing for Bob Dylan (depressing music, but occasionally lyrically brilliant), and the words to this song have stuck with me: Series of Dreams - this bit is my favorite:
Thinking of a series of dreams
Where the time and the tempo fly
And there's no exit in any direction
'Cept the one that you can't see with your eyes
Thank You, God that it exists... May time and tempo fly today, for all who need it to - and may we find the Way out of this broken, hopeless world (in all the ways that manifests itself), so we may fly to You. Amen.
lol... glimpse into Happy's head: I finished typing that, and all I could think was, "Fly, you fools! Fly!" - Gandalf, from one of the Lord of the Rings movies....
Obadiah and Elijah
reflections on 1 Kings 18:1-16
When we last left our hero...
Elijah had just raised a kid from the dead. Standard everyday hero fare. One really major moment in a three-year time slot accompanied by daily miracles. Chances are good that by this time, Elijah was totally soaked in an awareness that God will provide what is needed - he'd seen it, hadn't he? From the time the rain stopped, daily for three years Elijah was provided everything he needed to survive. And given a little extra dispensation for things like the widow's son needing to be well so the widow would understand God's ability and desire to provide as well. Elijah has been in a good place.
But then, "after a long time, in the third year, the word of the LORD came to Elijah: "Go and present yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain on the land." So Elijah went to present himself to Ahab." (1 Kings 18:1-2)
I wonder what Elijah thought about that? He was human, so I'm betting he was maybe at least the littlest bit scared. Maybe. Or maybe he recognized that fear as a lack of trust, and told it to shut up. Whatever his emotional state - Elijah had heard from the Lord, so he went and did as he'd been told to do - he went looking for Ahab (who, incidentally, has been looking for Elijah anyway!).
So Elijah goes home, and he runs into Obadiah.
Obadiah, the Word tells us, is in charge of the palace. Working for people like Ahab and Jezebel, this is probably a man of no small courage. Verse 3 tells us that Obadiah was "a devout believer in the Lord", and that he had, while Jezebel was murdering all of the Lord's prophets, saved the lives of 100 prophets by hiding them in caves and providing them food and water. This guy has some serious guts, he's trustworthy, and his heart is totally in right place before the Lord to boot.
Today Obadiah is out and about because the drought is so severe at this point that there isn't enough grass left to feed the animals. The king himself is out looking for grass (does this strike anyone else as odd? i mean, doesn't he have peasants who could do that?), and he and Obadiah have split up. And this is what happens:
"As Obadiah was walking along, Elijah met him. Obadiah bowed down to the ground, and said, "Is it really you, my lord Elijah?"
"Yes," he replied. "Go tell your master, 'Elijah is here.'" (1 Kings 18:7-8)
Obadiah bowed down... a sign of deep respect. This is the prophet of God he's just run into. The prophet through whom God spoke to Ahab, and whom Ahab blames for the drought. The prophet who God said would pray and send the rain. This is a man who ought to be respected, and Obadiah, as a follower of the Lord, respects him. And is possibly fairly glad to see him, because it has been three years... maybe today will be the day it rains.
"Go tell Ahab I'm back."
And Obadiah freaks out.
"What have I done wrong...that you are handing your servant over to Ahab to be put to death? As surely as the LORD your God lives, there is not a nation or kingdom where my master has not sent someone to look for you. And whenever a nation or kingdom claimed you were not there, he made them swear they could not find you. But now you tell me to go to my master and say, 'Elijah is here.' I don't know where the Spirit of the LORD may carry you when I leave you. If I go and tell Ahab and he doesn't find you, he will kill me. Yet I your servant have worshiped the LORD since my youth. Haven't you heard, my lord, what I did while Jezebel was killing the prophets of the LORD ? I hid a hundred of the LORD's prophets in two caves, fifty in each, and supplied them with food and water. And now you tell me to go to my master and say, 'Elijah is here.' He will kill me!"
So much for respect...lol.
Translation: ARE YOU FREAKING NUTS?!?!
Watch the progression:
1.) Obadiah immediately assumes that this is some sort of punishment... "what have I done wrong...?"
2.) He doesn't identify himself personally with the Lord (did he ever?): "as surely as the Lord your God lives..." Not "my God," not "our God"... "your God." Hm.
3.) He fills Elijah in on the brief history of the past three years - summary: he hates your guts and has threatened the lives of others in attempt to get to you. (an analysis of the situation as it stands)
4.) This is interesting: "I don't know where the Spirit of the Lord may carry you when I leave you." What does this say? Obadiah is experiencing a severe lack of trust in both God and His prophet... (he has projected a potential story line for "what comes next" - without asking if it will all go down this way or not...)
5.) Defensiveness: "I have worshiped the Lord since my youth." "I hid all those prophets." unspoken: "and this is how you reward me?!" (Obadiah has accepted his own potential storyline as fact and is experiencing the emotions that will come with those events, should they, in fact, occur...)
6.) Fear: "He will kill me!"
and (this is the best part):
7.) It is all met.
Elijah cuts straight through Obadiah's freak-out session to the heart of what's really bothering him.... this whole lack of trust thing... with one short sentence: "As the LORD Almighty lives, whom I serve, I will surely present myself to Ahab today." (v. 15)
Dude, chill. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. This is not about you, by the way. It's not punishment. The simple facts are these: you have the king's ear, I'm back now and I need him to know it, and you can go tell him. It's just a job; get it done. That story-line you just composed in your head - it isn't real. That's not going to happen. Trust me. Trust God. There's a point to this. It's bigger than what you can see right now. You don't need to know all that yet. I don't even know all that yet. Just go do what you have been asked to do. You've been faithful; God's seen that. And He thinks you are the man for this particular task. So would you just go do it, already.... (now who's projecting.... sorry... lol) :)
"So Obadiah went to meet Ahab and told him, and Ahab went to meet Elijah." (v. 16.)
This will be interesting... :)
When we last left our hero...
Elijah had just raised a kid from the dead. Standard everyday hero fare. One really major moment in a three-year time slot accompanied by daily miracles. Chances are good that by this time, Elijah was totally soaked in an awareness that God will provide what is needed - he'd seen it, hadn't he? From the time the rain stopped, daily for three years Elijah was provided everything he needed to survive. And given a little extra dispensation for things like the widow's son needing to be well so the widow would understand God's ability and desire to provide as well. Elijah has been in a good place.
But then, "after a long time, in the third year, the word of the LORD came to Elijah: "Go and present yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain on the land." So Elijah went to present himself to Ahab." (1 Kings 18:1-2)
I wonder what Elijah thought about that? He was human, so I'm betting he was maybe at least the littlest bit scared. Maybe. Or maybe he recognized that fear as a lack of trust, and told it to shut up. Whatever his emotional state - Elijah had heard from the Lord, so he went and did as he'd been told to do - he went looking for Ahab (who, incidentally, has been looking for Elijah anyway!).
So Elijah goes home, and he runs into Obadiah.
Obadiah, the Word tells us, is in charge of the palace. Working for people like Ahab and Jezebel, this is probably a man of no small courage. Verse 3 tells us that Obadiah was "a devout believer in the Lord", and that he had, while Jezebel was murdering all of the Lord's prophets, saved the lives of 100 prophets by hiding them in caves and providing them food and water. This guy has some serious guts, he's trustworthy, and his heart is totally in right place before the Lord to boot.
Today Obadiah is out and about because the drought is so severe at this point that there isn't enough grass left to feed the animals. The king himself is out looking for grass (does this strike anyone else as odd? i mean, doesn't he have peasants who could do that?), and he and Obadiah have split up. And this is what happens:
"As Obadiah was walking along, Elijah met him. Obadiah bowed down to the ground, and said, "Is it really you, my lord Elijah?"
"Yes," he replied. "Go tell your master, 'Elijah is here.'" (1 Kings 18:7-8)
Obadiah bowed down... a sign of deep respect. This is the prophet of God he's just run into. The prophet through whom God spoke to Ahab, and whom Ahab blames for the drought. The prophet who God said would pray and send the rain. This is a man who ought to be respected, and Obadiah, as a follower of the Lord, respects him. And is possibly fairly glad to see him, because it has been three years... maybe today will be the day it rains.
"Go tell Ahab I'm back."
And Obadiah freaks out.
"What have I done wrong...that you are handing your servant over to Ahab to be put to death? As surely as the LORD your God lives, there is not a nation or kingdom where my master has not sent someone to look for you. And whenever a nation or kingdom claimed you were not there, he made them swear they could not find you. But now you tell me to go to my master and say, 'Elijah is here.' I don't know where the Spirit of the LORD may carry you when I leave you. If I go and tell Ahab and he doesn't find you, he will kill me. Yet I your servant have worshiped the LORD since my youth. Haven't you heard, my lord, what I did while Jezebel was killing the prophets of the LORD ? I hid a hundred of the LORD's prophets in two caves, fifty in each, and supplied them with food and water. And now you tell me to go to my master and say, 'Elijah is here.' He will kill me!"
So much for respect...lol.
Translation: ARE YOU FREAKING NUTS?!?!
Watch the progression:
1.) Obadiah immediately assumes that this is some sort of punishment... "what have I done wrong...?"
2.) He doesn't identify himself personally with the Lord (did he ever?): "as surely as the Lord your God lives..." Not "my God," not "our God"... "your God." Hm.
3.) He fills Elijah in on the brief history of the past three years - summary: he hates your guts and has threatened the lives of others in attempt to get to you. (an analysis of the situation as it stands)
4.) This is interesting: "I don't know where the Spirit of the Lord may carry you when I leave you." What does this say? Obadiah is experiencing a severe lack of trust in both God and His prophet... (he has projected a potential story line for "what comes next" - without asking if it will all go down this way or not...)
5.) Defensiveness: "I have worshiped the Lord since my youth." "I hid all those prophets." unspoken: "and this is how you reward me?!" (Obadiah has accepted his own potential storyline as fact and is experiencing the emotions that will come with those events, should they, in fact, occur...)
6.) Fear: "He will kill me!"
and (this is the best part):
7.) It is all met.
Elijah cuts straight through Obadiah's freak-out session to the heart of what's really bothering him.... this whole lack of trust thing... with one short sentence: "As the LORD Almighty lives, whom I serve, I will surely present myself to Ahab today." (v. 15)
Dude, chill. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. This is not about you, by the way. It's not punishment. The simple facts are these: you have the king's ear, I'm back now and I need him to know it, and you can go tell him. It's just a job; get it done. That story-line you just composed in your head - it isn't real. That's not going to happen. Trust me. Trust God. There's a point to this. It's bigger than what you can see right now. You don't need to know all that yet. I don't even know all that yet. Just go do what you have been asked to do. You've been faithful; God's seen that. And He thinks you are the man for this particular task. So would you just go do it, already.... (now who's projecting.... sorry... lol) :)
"So Obadiah went to meet Ahab and told him, and Ahab went to meet Elijah." (v. 16.)
This will be interesting... :)
better late than never...
My first syncroblog (and if I finish it before midnight and it actually makes it in, I'll be impressed, but better late than never, right?)! Glenn over at re-dreaming the dream suggested this one, and I like it - and I have time - so here we are. :)
The questions are:
1) How are you doing?
2) What are you doing?
3) What are you learning?
4) What are you dreaming about?
How am I doing?
Alright, I guess. It's been a relatively quiet couple of days, and that's been nice. I'm tired (this is nothing new) but I'm also staying up late blogging instead of going to sleep on time... having the ability to stay up and embrace my nightowl tendencies because I can rather than because there's tons of work looming over my head that must be done is really nice, and I'm enjoying it. I also got to go to Torch and just chill tonight - no responsibilities, just good hang out time with friends, and the chance to come and worship barefoot in the back of the room - a rare gift for worship leader, and one I treasure greatly when I get it. :)
What am I doing?
Staying up late, blogging... :) Eating tortilla chips. Unwinding at the end of a good day. Processing through some things - some of which are really good and some of which, well, I'd like to not be processing through them, but there it is, and I'll learn from it, so... :P
Life in general: working a lot, but i love my job in the summer, so it's mostly cool. thinking about maybe getting around to cleaning out that last box of junkmail. organizing things for Torch. leading worship a lot... got to be in the band for a women's retreat this weekend, and it was really, really fun. NOT studying. YAY!!! Catching up on my reading - for fun.
What am I learning?
How to hear His voice clearly. How to be still and wait. How to trust. The beauty to be found in brokenness and humility. How to truly love someone. How to truly love God. Confidence. The truth of God's amazing love for me. How many lies I've believed for too long - and God's truth over and against them. To value His truth above all else. A love for His Word. This could go on forever... (the list, and the things on it...)
A lot of lessons I've learned before. But kind of like algebra, there always seems to be a new level, or a new kind of something that replaces it- new things to learn based on the things from the first lesson. I'm getting it. Slowly but surely. Better late than never, right?
What am I dreaming about?
Honestly? Someday. The Someday when everything is better. The Someday when the lion and the lamb truly do lay down and sleep in the same meadow. The Someday when all is restored to what it was meant to be.... There are microcosmic levels on which I am dreaming about that... but I want the Big Someday, too - the day when Jesus has come back and reigns on the earth, and everything has gotten all sorted out.
On a much more personal level- I am dreaming about another Someday - the Someday when God has finally sorted me out - and I know who I am and how I'm wired, and I'm doing exactly whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing....
lol... look at that. 10 minutes to spare. I could have said so much more...
The questions are:
1) How are you doing?
2) What are you doing?
3) What are you learning?
4) What are you dreaming about?
How am I doing?
Alright, I guess. It's been a relatively quiet couple of days, and that's been nice. I'm tired (this is nothing new) but I'm also staying up late blogging instead of going to sleep on time... having the ability to stay up and embrace my nightowl tendencies because I can rather than because there's tons of work looming over my head that must be done is really nice, and I'm enjoying it. I also got to go to Torch and just chill tonight - no responsibilities, just good hang out time with friends, and the chance to come and worship barefoot in the back of the room - a rare gift for worship leader, and one I treasure greatly when I get it. :)
What am I doing?
Staying up late, blogging... :) Eating tortilla chips. Unwinding at the end of a good day. Processing through some things - some of which are really good and some of which, well, I'd like to not be processing through them, but there it is, and I'll learn from it, so... :P
Life in general: working a lot, but i love my job in the summer, so it's mostly cool. thinking about maybe getting around to cleaning out that last box of junkmail. organizing things for Torch. leading worship a lot... got to be in the band for a women's retreat this weekend, and it was really, really fun. NOT studying. YAY!!! Catching up on my reading - for fun.
What am I learning?
How to hear His voice clearly. How to be still and wait. How to trust. The beauty to be found in brokenness and humility. How to truly love someone. How to truly love God. Confidence. The truth of God's amazing love for me. How many lies I've believed for too long - and God's truth over and against them. To value His truth above all else. A love for His Word. This could go on forever... (the list, and the things on it...)
A lot of lessons I've learned before. But kind of like algebra, there always seems to be a new level, or a new kind of something that replaces it- new things to learn based on the things from the first lesson. I'm getting it. Slowly but surely. Better late than never, right?
What am I dreaming about?
Honestly? Someday. The Someday when everything is better. The Someday when the lion and the lamb truly do lay down and sleep in the same meadow. The Someday when all is restored to what it was meant to be.... There are microcosmic levels on which I am dreaming about that... but I want the Big Someday, too - the day when Jesus has come back and reigns on the earth, and everything has gotten all sorted out.
On a much more personal level- I am dreaming about another Someday - the Someday when God has finally sorted me out - and I know who I am and how I'm wired, and I'm doing exactly whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing....
lol... look at that. 10 minutes to spare. I could have said so much more...
checking in about those New Year's "resolutions"...
It made me laugh, because I'd forgotten all about it - but I'm so glad I found this, and I'm glad for the way God worked in it today. :)
On New Year's Day, I posted a meme/challenge called Stand At The Crossroads. Mike's the only one who took me up on it, I think, but the question of the year was: what three things would you like to see God accomplish in your life this year? and the challenge was to check in periodically and see how it's been going.
Mike actually remembered. :) Which reminded me to go look and see what I'd said.
1) I would like to see God's hand at work in the development of my character. I want to become a more humble person, more caring, more compassionate, more honest, more trustworthy, a better friend, a kinder person - more like Jesus. I want to love God and my neighbor not because I "have to" or because it's right, but because it's an honest extension of who I am. I cannot become those things on my own. I need Him to refine me.
Would it be prideful to say I think I'm getting there? lol... I'm NOT there yet - but I've seen growth... and interestingly enough, the term paper topic I chose that I've been researching and will be writing on all weekend is on loving your enemies - the flip side of loving your neighbors - or rather, realizing that your enemies are your neighbors... wait, that doesn't sound quite right... :) but I think you know what I mean...
2) I want to recognize God's voice more clearly and more readily. To do this I need to spend more time in worship, more time in His Word, and more time in His Presence. I need Him to teach me how to hear His voice.
Yep. Working on this too - and while I forgot, He sure didn't. :) Remember that guitar string story?
3) I want the Lord to teach me how to trust Him more deeply than I already do. I am aware that this means He will likely lead me into (or allow) circumstances that will require me to trust Him. Remind me I said this, but I'm okay with that, if it means that I truly learn to trust Him for everything I need, materially, emotionally, spiritually - everything.
deep sigh. Yep. He's definitely teaching me about this. The Battle of the Shoes was a big part of that. and there's... well. some laundry just needs to stay in the laundry room, but i am learning to trust Him.
On New Year's Day, I posted a meme/challenge called Stand At The Crossroads. Mike's the only one who took me up on it, I think, but the question of the year was: what three things would you like to see God accomplish in your life this year? and the challenge was to check in periodically and see how it's been going.
Mike actually remembered. :) Which reminded me to go look and see what I'd said.
1) I would like to see God's hand at work in the development of my character. I want to become a more humble person, more caring, more compassionate, more honest, more trustworthy, a better friend, a kinder person - more like Jesus. I want to love God and my neighbor not because I "have to" or because it's right, but because it's an honest extension of who I am. I cannot become those things on my own. I need Him to refine me.
Would it be prideful to say I think I'm getting there? lol... I'm NOT there yet - but I've seen growth... and interestingly enough, the term paper topic I chose that I've been researching and will be writing on all weekend is on loving your enemies - the flip side of loving your neighbors - or rather, realizing that your enemies are your neighbors... wait, that doesn't sound quite right... :) but I think you know what I mean...
2) I want to recognize God's voice more clearly and more readily. To do this I need to spend more time in worship, more time in His Word, and more time in His Presence. I need Him to teach me how to hear His voice.
Yep. Working on this too - and while I forgot, He sure didn't. :) Remember that guitar string story?
3) I want the Lord to teach me how to trust Him more deeply than I already do. I am aware that this means He will likely lead me into (or allow) circumstances that will require me to trust Him. Remind me I said this, but I'm okay with that, if it means that I truly learn to trust Him for everything I need, materially, emotionally, spiritually - everything.
deep sigh. Yep. He's definitely teaching me about this. The Battle of the Shoes was a big part of that. and there's... well. some laundry just needs to stay in the laundry room, but i am learning to trust Him.
in accordance with the Word of the Lord... part 4
reflections on 1 Kings 17: 14-24
links to:
part 1
part 2
part 3
1 Kings 17
I can't imagine what it must have actually been like. It's a two-story house, but maybe only a room or two on each level; stone walls, dirt floor likely. A small jar and a little jug sitting in the corner of the kitchen. Every morning, dumping out the flour, mixing it with water, cooking it up, eating the bread. Getting up the next morning - and doing it again. In spite of the fact that it was empty yesterday.
Or maybe it was different. Maybe the jug and the jar were always full, tho I don't think so. I think it was just as He said in v. 14: "The jar of flour will not be used up. and the jug of oil will not run dry..." So maybe she scooped out the flour, and it was still in there - but in her mixing bowl too. And she poured out the oil, but there was the same amount left in the jar.
I don't know how it worked exactly. But either way, it worked. There was always enough for three people. "in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah." (v. 16)
What would that have been like, for a woman who did not know God, to see a miracle like that every morning? What would it tell her about Him? What does it tell us? The words that spring to mind for me are: faithfulness. provision. love. compassion. enough. This is a God who cares about His people. And He cares enough to provide for those who are not-His-people as well. I wonder if she ever experienced wonder about that. Or if, as time went on, the wonder began to wear off, and "oh, of course there's enough" became the expectation instead.
But one day, her son gets sick. He gets sicker and sicker - and then he stops breathing. And she blames Elijah. And she blames herself. She thinks it's because of her sin that her son has died (oh, so she knows she has sinned... i wonder if they've been talking, all these days, this widow and this prophet she's been feeding). And she thinks Elijah killed him. Or she says she does.
But she's seen the miracle. She knows it's God she's dealing with. And somewhere, she might have hoped... but only way down deep where she didn't even admit it to herself... but maybe? So when Elijah asks for the body, she lets him take her son.
I wonder if she followed him upstairs. If she saw what Elijah did. Or if he simply told her about it later. I would have followed, I think. But maybe not. Maybe I would've collapsed in a heap and just sobbed. I might've been tempted to throw things. Maybe a jug of oil or a jar of flour. But she didn't throw them. And however it is that we know, the Bible tells us that Elijah took the boy to his own room, and he "cried out to the Lord."
This was no nice, polite, lame "please make him better if it's Your will, God" prayer. This was so much more "in your face." Elijah cried out (loud?) - "O LORD my God, have you brought tragedy also upon this widow I am staying with, by causing her son to die?"
Lord - You are still the King. You're still in charge. You're the one I appeal to.
My God - You are God. But You are my God. So I come to You.
Have You brought tragedy also upon this woman... - oooh. This is telling. Elijah considers what has happened to him - being in a foreign land, living with a widow and her son, having all he needs provided, and not being killed by King Ahab - to be tragic. It is possible he is need of a bit of perspective here.
It is also possible that it is tragic. If all were the way it were meant to be, life would be normal. There'd be rain. Elijah would be at home. The king of Israel would be serving the God of Israel. But all is not normal. And it's tragic, because it could all have been prevented if one stubborn, stupid, selfish king would swallow his pride and burn a few Asherah poles, say he's sorry, and repent of his sin. And it's tragic and unfair that a woman who risked trusting a God she did not yet know and cared for one of His prophets should lose her son to an illness that he probably wouldn't have caught if there'd been rain and ... um, vegetables? I don't know. Regardless, it's unfair, and Elijah lets God know he thinks so.
Then he stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried to the LORD, "O LORD my God, let this boy's life return to him!" (v. 21)
And God heard. And said, "Okay. Yes."
And Elijah, incredibly relieved, I suspect, took him down to his mother.
And she, in complete incredulity, says, "Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the LORD from your mouth is the truth." (v. 24)
Now she knows? Really? And not one second before? What did she think about the flour and the oil? Was it some kind of fluke? Did she need further proof? Really?
Apparently so. But before we get too judgmental... where have we not recognized God at work? Where were we once able to attribute something to His hand, and how have we forgotten, taken for granted, or denied His work in and through that? Good, bad, or indifferent... Elijah spends a good chunk of time with this woman, and while God has spoken to her every day, by fulfilling His promises to her - she still needed a final "this is true" moment to push her over the edge into absolute faith and belief in Him.
And God made sure she got it.
links to:
part 1
part 2
part 3
1 Kings 17
I can't imagine what it must have actually been like. It's a two-story house, but maybe only a room or two on each level; stone walls, dirt floor likely. A small jar and a little jug sitting in the corner of the kitchen. Every morning, dumping out the flour, mixing it with water, cooking it up, eating the bread. Getting up the next morning - and doing it again. In spite of the fact that it was empty yesterday.
Or maybe it was different. Maybe the jug and the jar were always full, tho I don't think so. I think it was just as He said in v. 14: "The jar of flour will not be used up. and the jug of oil will not run dry..." So maybe she scooped out the flour, and it was still in there - but in her mixing bowl too. And she poured out the oil, but there was the same amount left in the jar.
I don't know how it worked exactly. But either way, it worked. There was always enough for three people. "in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah." (v. 16)
What would that have been like, for a woman who did not know God, to see a miracle like that every morning? What would it tell her about Him? What does it tell us? The words that spring to mind for me are: faithfulness. provision. love. compassion. enough. This is a God who cares about His people. And He cares enough to provide for those who are not-His-people as well. I wonder if she ever experienced wonder about that. Or if, as time went on, the wonder began to wear off, and "oh, of course there's enough" became the expectation instead.
But one day, her son gets sick. He gets sicker and sicker - and then he stops breathing. And she blames Elijah. And she blames herself. She thinks it's because of her sin that her son has died (oh, so she knows she has sinned... i wonder if they've been talking, all these days, this widow and this prophet she's been feeding). And she thinks Elijah killed him. Or she says she does.
But she's seen the miracle. She knows it's God she's dealing with. And somewhere, she might have hoped... but only way down deep where she didn't even admit it to herself... but maybe? So when Elijah asks for the body, she lets him take her son.
I wonder if she followed him upstairs. If she saw what Elijah did. Or if he simply told her about it later. I would have followed, I think. But maybe not. Maybe I would've collapsed in a heap and just sobbed. I might've been tempted to throw things. Maybe a jug of oil or a jar of flour. But she didn't throw them. And however it is that we know, the Bible tells us that Elijah took the boy to his own room, and he "cried out to the Lord."
This was no nice, polite, lame "please make him better if it's Your will, God" prayer. This was so much more "in your face." Elijah cried out (loud?) - "O LORD my God, have you brought tragedy also upon this widow I am staying with, by causing her son to die?"
Lord - You are still the King. You're still in charge. You're the one I appeal to.
My God - You are God. But You are my God. So I come to You.
Have You brought tragedy also upon this woman... - oooh. This is telling. Elijah considers what has happened to him - being in a foreign land, living with a widow and her son, having all he needs provided, and not being killed by King Ahab - to be tragic. It is possible he is need of a bit of perspective here.
It is also possible that it is tragic. If all were the way it were meant to be, life would be normal. There'd be rain. Elijah would be at home. The king of Israel would be serving the God of Israel. But all is not normal. And it's tragic, because it could all have been prevented if one stubborn, stupid, selfish king would swallow his pride and burn a few Asherah poles, say he's sorry, and repent of his sin. And it's tragic and unfair that a woman who risked trusting a God she did not yet know and cared for one of His prophets should lose her son to an illness that he probably wouldn't have caught if there'd been rain and ... um, vegetables? I don't know. Regardless, it's unfair, and Elijah lets God know he thinks so.
Then he stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried to the LORD, "O LORD my God, let this boy's life return to him!" (v. 21)
And God heard. And said, "Okay. Yes."
And Elijah, incredibly relieved, I suspect, took him down to his mother.
And she, in complete incredulity, says, "Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the LORD from your mouth is the truth." (v. 24)
Now she knows? Really? And not one second before? What did she think about the flour and the oil? Was it some kind of fluke? Did she need further proof? Really?
Apparently so. But before we get too judgmental... where have we not recognized God at work? Where were we once able to attribute something to His hand, and how have we forgotten, taken for granted, or denied His work in and through that? Good, bad, or indifferent... Elijah spends a good chunk of time with this woman, and while God has spoken to her every day, by fulfilling His promises to her - she still needed a final "this is true" moment to push her over the edge into absolute faith and belief in Him.
And God made sure she got it.
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