It has always seemed incredibly ironic to me that while fasting, of all the spiritual disciplines, drop-kicks me into dependence on God faster than anything else, it does, at the same time, bring out the absolute worst in me.
I suppose it's fitting - fasting being a physically cleansing activity - that it seems to do the same thing spiritually, but good golly gosh - it's neither pleasant nor pretty.
Two unexpected things (both related to finances) have happened in the past twenty-four hours that have shaken my trust - and showed some serious flaws in its foundation. It seems I've been building my trust on the wrong things again, instead of on the solid rock of God's Word and character. To say that God is faithful and in the next breath freak out about something that may or may not happen is to build on sand. To choose the easy way (depending on credit) at the cost of integrity (even if no one would ever know) is again to build on sand. And houses built on sand can't stand.
Today had some really tough moments. Moments when the fruits of the Spirit were scarcely visible and the muck of my sin, pride, and extreme lack of faith dominated the scene. It was horrible. I cried - a lot. I cried because I felt abandoned and unheard, because I could not see how God would come through. I cried because the consequences of past sin (in regard to how I've handled/viewed my finances) justly affect my present reality even though those wrong choices are covered by grace, and it feels unfair, although it isn't. And I cried because I know that God is faithful and true to His word and His promises, because I know that trying harder isn't what earns grace - that you can't earn it; it's a gift, and you have to receive it, and that sometimes life is just life and you can't control it and it is - somehow - all going to be okay, and that accusing God of not caring enough about you to give you what you want is one of the dumbest ideas ever.
And God, in His goodness and His grace, waited until I was done with my fit, and then spoke quietly: "Go buy yourself some Cadbury eggs."
Permission to splurge. To do something kind for myself.
To stop dwelling in the negative, and to choose hope.
So I bought the eggs.
They are sitting here on my table - Easter eggs: a symbol of life - and better still, chocolate, which inevitably makes me happy. They remind me that the God of the Universe, who knows the deepest cries of people who live in far worse circumstances than I do, heard my cry and answered in a way that He knew I'd understand. He knows me. He sees. He hears. He cares.
And He waited until the muck of my sin was out in the open and then patiently began cleaning it up. "You can't control everything. But there are things that you can." So I folded my laundry and did the dishes. Sorted thru the junk mail and recycled a ton of clutter. And caught up on a few of Andy Stanley's leadership podcasts - including one on Integrity (from July 2012).
A woman of integrity doesn't take the easy way out. She does what is right, and God blesses it. By the end of the podcast, I had chosen not to take the easy way. And within minutes, a solution to one of the problems presented itself. Whoa. The other one (if it even exists) is more complicated. It'll take time. But it is not impossible - not for God.
And I don't have to see how He will be faithful to know that He will be.
Ironic, that I could forget that, while practicing a spiritual discipline that is meant to bring me closer to Him. And yet - in the end, I guess it did. And I shed some things along the way that will leave my spirit lighter, provided I don't try to pick them up again.
Andy Stanley tells of a prayer he's prayed daily for years, and I think it's one worth adding to my personal liturgy: "Lord, give me the wisdom to know what it right, and the courage to do what is right, even when it's hard."
It just goes so much better that way.
And this Cadbury egg I'm having for dessert? It's seriously sweet.
Related posts:
Fasting Makes Me Grumpy - February 2008
Fasting, Repentance, and Freedom - February 2008
Lenten Journeys: Learning to Breathe - February 2010
Showing posts with label simple felicity: being His. Show all posts
Showing posts with label simple felicity: being His. Show all posts
Compassion - Checkpoint #1
At the beginning of January, I joined the OneWord365 Community and chose "compassion" as my one word for the year.
I knew it was going to cost me something.
What I didn't really register is that one of the things it will cost is my pride.
The first thing I've learned about compassion is how little of it I seem to have for myself. I can have a tough day, or screw something up, or say the wrong thing, and my instant response is to berate myself for it (sometimes for days) - whereas a friend can tell me with tears in her eyes about how tough her day was, or how she made a poor decision, or said the wrong things, and my instant response will be one of grace and compassion, calling out what's true about her as a person over and against the facts of her day or a situation, and reminding her who and Whose she is.
I can read verses like Psalm 103:8, which says: "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love" - and know that a Christ-like attitude imitates this - but to have this perspective towards myself is challenging. To be compassionate and gracious towards myself, to not be mad at myself when I "get it wrong" (especially if I knew better!) - wow. Not my first response.
Admitting it out loud means acknowledging that this needs to change. It means that on a tough day, when I'm not succeeding in holding it all together or "getting it right," I need to be able to walk in grace without arguing with it. I know that His grace covers all my sins and shortcomings, and that I am a work-in-progress - but all too often I expect justice when what's mine is gracious compassion.
One of the things the Lord has been whispering so often to my heart this past month is that He understands me far better than I understand myself. He knows every thought, every motivation - and He knows where they came from. He is in the business of taking the broken and making it whole - and He is doing that with me. And He sees past the flaws to the beauty He's bringing out of me.
So a little over a month in, I can already say that "compassion" was a good word for the year. I don't think I realized how much I really need it - especially from myself.
I knew it was going to cost me something.
What I didn't really register is that one of the things it will cost is my pride.
The first thing I've learned about compassion is how little of it I seem to have for myself. I can have a tough day, or screw something up, or say the wrong thing, and my instant response is to berate myself for it (sometimes for days) - whereas a friend can tell me with tears in her eyes about how tough her day was, or how she made a poor decision, or said the wrong things, and my instant response will be one of grace and compassion, calling out what's true about her as a person over and against the facts of her day or a situation, and reminding her who and Whose she is.
I can read verses like Psalm 103:8, which says: "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love" - and know that a Christ-like attitude imitates this - but to have this perspective towards myself is challenging. To be compassionate and gracious towards myself, to not be mad at myself when I "get it wrong" (especially if I knew better!) - wow. Not my first response.
Admitting it out loud means acknowledging that this needs to change. It means that on a tough day, when I'm not succeeding in holding it all together or "getting it right," I need to be able to walk in grace without arguing with it. I know that His grace covers all my sins and shortcomings, and that I am a work-in-progress - but all too often I expect justice when what's mine is gracious compassion.
One of the things the Lord has been whispering so often to my heart this past month is that He understands me far better than I understand myself. He knows every thought, every motivation - and He knows where they came from. He is in the business of taking the broken and making it whole - and He is doing that with me. And He sees past the flaws to the beauty He's bringing out of me.
So a little over a month in, I can already say that "compassion" was a good word for the year. I don't think I realized how much I really need it - especially from myself.
random ramblings, vol. 11
It's been awhile, so here we are. Random Ramblings - vol. 11. :)
1) For all my friends who are moms, or who are wondering what life will be like if and when they are moms: this article is for you. There is no "right" way (in terms of working or staying at home); it's all hard. So thanks for doing what you do the way you do it. All of our daughters, sisters, cousins, etc. will benefit from watching you navigate life with the grace (and sometimes lack thereof) with which you do. You are gutsy, women of God. And we're blessed to know you. Thanks for living your life so boldly and transparently.
2) Sunshine is... lovely. Especially at the end of January in the Midwest. Check out these awesome reflections from my friend Arman at The Edge of Clarity - inspired by the sun, and by the Son.
3) I am so grateful for the myriad of voices that have shaped my faith and helped me to find my own voice. Shout-outs today to Nancy Beach, Bill Hybels, Madeleine L'Engle, Sarah Ban Breathnach, and Matt McMann, for being 5 of the best coaches ever. Even when they didn't know they were coaching me.
4) While I recognize that the whole image/exercise thing can be an idol (thanks, J-squared - I do need to watch it) - I am very, very grateful for Zumba these days. There's a piece of me that thinks (during every class): "Good Christian girls do NOT dance like this..." - but I love it, nonetheless. (Tho you may note that I have not yet announced to my class that I am on staff at a church...lol. Hm. Maybe I should! They might actually come, then...)
What I love most about Zumba is that you can't do it well without at least pretending to be confident - and as you pretend, somehow you cross over to actually being confident. Zumba is ridiculously sexy. As a single woman, I feel quasi-ridiculous dancing like that. And I'm quite grateful that my class is mostly women - well, and Pete. (A very nice, pot-bellied, and older gentleman who shows up in a sweatsuit, which is not standard Zumba attire. I have no idea why he comes to Zumba, but he makes me smile.) I walk out of every class feeling better, and better about myself. And today - Barry, you'd be so proud - I was in the front row. :) And I didn't mind!!! This is progress. Lol.
5) I've been thinking a lot about vision lately. Re-reading Andy Stanley's Visioneering. Reflecting on the verse in Scripture that says that without vision, people perish (Proverbs 29:18, KJV). I've let a lot of things steal my joy and my vision lately. It's time to redefine it.
6) Last year I went on a retreat at the beginning of February last year that redefined a lot of things for me, particularly the definition and practice of Sabbath-keeping. I'm very sorry to say I've lost sight - no, not sight. practice - of that particular vision - but I am nonetheless dedicated to reclaiming it. Most definitely looking forward to this year's retreat at the end of February, and the redefinition of this year's path forward that will inevitably come.
7) I was talking earlier this week with my absolute BFF, Sara - and I just have to say: there's something incredibly awesome about knowing someone who's known you for more than 1/2 of your life, has seen you at your absolute worst (and oh, heck, yes, she has!!!) - and knowing that they still love you. In spite of that fact that you (and I quote) "attract drama." lol. okay. so I do. but someday it will be worth writing about. ;) And in the meantime, even if I do not provide legitimate literarily resourceful material... It's still awesome knowing that someone can see past all my failings to what I will be in Him someday. I love that, actually. :)
And there you are. Random Ramblings, vol. 11.
:)
1) For all my friends who are moms, or who are wondering what life will be like if and when they are moms: this article is for you. There is no "right" way (in terms of working or staying at home); it's all hard. So thanks for doing what you do the way you do it. All of our daughters, sisters, cousins, etc. will benefit from watching you navigate life with the grace (and sometimes lack thereof) with which you do. You are gutsy, women of God. And we're blessed to know you. Thanks for living your life so boldly and transparently.
2) Sunshine is... lovely. Especially at the end of January in the Midwest. Check out these awesome reflections from my friend Arman at The Edge of Clarity - inspired by the sun, and by the Son.
3) I am so grateful for the myriad of voices that have shaped my faith and helped me to find my own voice. Shout-outs today to Nancy Beach, Bill Hybels, Madeleine L'Engle, Sarah Ban Breathnach, and Matt McMann, for being 5 of the best coaches ever. Even when they didn't know they were coaching me.
4) While I recognize that the whole image/exercise thing can be an idol (thanks, J-squared - I do need to watch it) - I am very, very grateful for Zumba these days. There's a piece of me that thinks (during every class): "Good Christian girls do NOT dance like this..." - but I love it, nonetheless. (Tho you may note that I have not yet announced to my class that I am on staff at a church...lol. Hm. Maybe I should! They might actually come, then...)
What I love most about Zumba is that you can't do it well without at least pretending to be confident - and as you pretend, somehow you cross over to actually being confident. Zumba is ridiculously sexy. As a single woman, I feel quasi-ridiculous dancing like that. And I'm quite grateful that my class is mostly women - well, and Pete. (A very nice, pot-bellied, and older gentleman who shows up in a sweatsuit, which is not standard Zumba attire. I have no idea why he comes to Zumba, but he makes me smile.) I walk out of every class feeling better, and better about myself. And today - Barry, you'd be so proud - I was in the front row. :) And I didn't mind!!! This is progress. Lol.
5) I've been thinking a lot about vision lately. Re-reading Andy Stanley's Visioneering. Reflecting on the verse in Scripture that says that without vision, people perish (Proverbs 29:18, KJV). I've let a lot of things steal my joy and my vision lately. It's time to redefine it.
6) Last year I went on a retreat at the beginning of February last year that redefined a lot of things for me, particularly the definition and practice of Sabbath-keeping. I'm very sorry to say I've lost sight - no, not sight. practice - of that particular vision - but I am nonetheless dedicated to reclaiming it. Most definitely looking forward to this year's retreat at the end of February, and the redefinition of this year's path forward that will inevitably come.
7) I was talking earlier this week with my absolute BFF, Sara - and I just have to say: there's something incredibly awesome about knowing someone who's known you for more than 1/2 of your life, has seen you at your absolute worst (and oh, heck, yes, she has!!!) - and knowing that they still love you. In spite of that fact that you (and I quote) "attract drama." lol. okay. so I do. but someday it will be worth writing about. ;) And in the meantime, even if I do not provide legitimate literarily resourceful material... It's still awesome knowing that someone can see past all my failings to what I will be in Him someday. I love that, actually. :)
And there you are. Random Ramblings, vol. 11.
:)
importance
"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." - Luke 2:19
Every now and again, God sends someone into my life who, for whatever reason, just seems to know what to say. Some say that's the prophetic in action. I don't care what you call it - I'm just glad it happens.
I woke up early yesterday, and one of the first things I read was an email from... well, a friend, for sure - but an unexpected one. I'm not even 100% sure how we went from being people who knew the same people at church to being friends, but we're definitely there - and this morning's email was proof positive.
They were just two words in the middle of a letter, but they shaped my entire day: "You're important."
Whoa.
Can I just tell you, I really can't honestly remember the last time anyone said anything even remotely like that to me?
Importance.
From a traditional religious perspective, that word carries all kinds of danger and warning with it. The Pharisees and Sadducees - they were important, right? (Mild sarcasm alert:) So by all means, belittle yourself, so you won't be caught in that trap.
And yet...
Jesus spent His entire time here on earth walking among and ministering to "the least of these." Women, children, lepers - you name them - if they were outcasts of society, you could bet Jesus was spending time with them. And He wasn't just around - He was doing things. Like healing them. Defending them. Telling the self-righteous, arrogant people who knew how to "get it right" and therefore felt justified in judging others to take a flying leap, and to look in a mirror on the way. He gave dignity and hope to everyone He encountered (well... except maybe to the self-righteous, who didn't think they needed it).
Dignity. Hope. Importance.
I'm not sure it was possible to know Jesus and not feel valued. (Sidenote: I think even the people He yelled at were people He valued. He wanted them to get their heads out of their rule books and change their attitudes so they could actually see and know God. Even when they killed Him, His heart toward them was compassionate and forgiving...)
Maybe it's just because we don't want to risk being Pharisees, or maybe it's because no one thinks to remind us and so we forget, but I think it's possible that we don't always really understand that we're important. The Bible tells us that God knows how much hair we have (which is really impressive, when you think about it), that He knows the plans He has for us (do you know how many people there are on the planet?), that we're a part of what He's doing in the world to draw all people to Himself; theologians call mankind "the pinnacle of creation." And it's easy for me to look at other people and see their value, to see someone hurting or stressed out and take an extra 5 minutes to say, "Hey, you're not alone in this. I'm with you. I'm praying for you." But for whatever reason, I'm somewhat floored when someone does the same thing for me. I get it that "people" are valuable to God; but I don't think I always get it that I'm actually one of them.
So those two words yesterday were life to my soul. I carried them around all day - listening to God whisper their truth to my heart. I'm ... important. Not in some puffed up, obnoxious way - but in a quiet, loved-deeply and individually valued-by-God way. I think if you'd asked me if I knew I was important to Him, I would have said yes in a heart-beat, but yesterday I realized that I tend to measure my value by what I do. I have people in my life who are awesome about saying "thank you" and "great job" - but so often it's about what I've done, and not who I am. And I guess that's what was so life-giving about hearing those words from my friend. Those words, in their original context, weren't about what I could do. They were about me.
It was pretty amazing.
And I love how God took those two little words and turned them into a day-long conversation. I think it was Rob Harrison who once reminded me that even Karl Barth could sum up all his theology by saying, "Jesus loves me, this I know." Sometimes I think we really do just have to ditch all the complicated whatnot of our lives and go back to that, and like Mary, just treasure that truth, and ponder it in our hearts.
So if you've been in a season lately where you've just felt devalued, or if you feel as if you are valued more for your usefulness than for who you are, I'd encourage you: Remember that you're important. Before He created you, He knew you (Psalm 51). You were born on purpose, with purpose, yes - but the point is, you were born. The God of the universe thought you up, and made you - and He loves you tremendously. Just for who you are. As you are. With no conditions or escape clauses, no opting out, and no regrets.
Jesus loves you, this I know - for the Bible tells me so. And He is with you, always. Whatever this day may bring.
Every now and again, God sends someone into my life who, for whatever reason, just seems to know what to say. Some say that's the prophetic in action. I don't care what you call it - I'm just glad it happens.
I woke up early yesterday, and one of the first things I read was an email from... well, a friend, for sure - but an unexpected one. I'm not even 100% sure how we went from being people who knew the same people at church to being friends, but we're definitely there - and this morning's email was proof positive.
They were just two words in the middle of a letter, but they shaped my entire day: "You're important."
Whoa.
Can I just tell you, I really can't honestly remember the last time anyone said anything even remotely like that to me?
Importance.
From a traditional religious perspective, that word carries all kinds of danger and warning with it. The Pharisees and Sadducees - they were important, right? (Mild sarcasm alert:) So by all means, belittle yourself, so you won't be caught in that trap.
And yet...
Jesus spent His entire time here on earth walking among and ministering to "the least of these." Women, children, lepers - you name them - if they were outcasts of society, you could bet Jesus was spending time with them. And He wasn't just around - He was doing things. Like healing them. Defending them. Telling the self-righteous, arrogant people who knew how to "get it right" and therefore felt justified in judging others to take a flying leap, and to look in a mirror on the way. He gave dignity and hope to everyone He encountered (well... except maybe to the self-righteous, who didn't think they needed it).
Dignity. Hope. Importance.
I'm not sure it was possible to know Jesus and not feel valued. (Sidenote: I think even the people He yelled at were people He valued. He wanted them to get their heads out of their rule books and change their attitudes so they could actually see and know God. Even when they killed Him, His heart toward them was compassionate and forgiving...)
Maybe it's just because we don't want to risk being Pharisees, or maybe it's because no one thinks to remind us and so we forget, but I think it's possible that we don't always really understand that we're important. The Bible tells us that God knows how much hair we have (which is really impressive, when you think about it), that He knows the plans He has for us (do you know how many people there are on the planet?), that we're a part of what He's doing in the world to draw all people to Himself; theologians call mankind "the pinnacle of creation." And it's easy for me to look at other people and see their value, to see someone hurting or stressed out and take an extra 5 minutes to say, "Hey, you're not alone in this. I'm with you. I'm praying for you." But for whatever reason, I'm somewhat floored when someone does the same thing for me. I get it that "people" are valuable to God; but I don't think I always get it that I'm actually one of them.
So those two words yesterday were life to my soul. I carried them around all day - listening to God whisper their truth to my heart. I'm ... important. Not in some puffed up, obnoxious way - but in a quiet, loved-deeply and individually valued-by-God way. I think if you'd asked me if I knew I was important to Him, I would have said yes in a heart-beat, but yesterday I realized that I tend to measure my value by what I do. I have people in my life who are awesome about saying "thank you" and "great job" - but so often it's about what I've done, and not who I am. And I guess that's what was so life-giving about hearing those words from my friend. Those words, in their original context, weren't about what I could do. They were about me.
It was pretty amazing.
And I love how God took those two little words and turned them into a day-long conversation. I think it was Rob Harrison who once reminded me that even Karl Barth could sum up all his theology by saying, "Jesus loves me, this I know." Sometimes I think we really do just have to ditch all the complicated whatnot of our lives and go back to that, and like Mary, just treasure that truth, and ponder it in our hearts.
So if you've been in a season lately where you've just felt devalued, or if you feel as if you are valued more for your usefulness than for who you are, I'd encourage you: Remember that you're important. Before He created you, He knew you (Psalm 51). You were born on purpose, with purpose, yes - but the point is, you were born. The God of the universe thought you up, and made you - and He loves you tremendously. Just for who you are. As you are. With no conditions or escape clauses, no opting out, and no regrets.
Jesus loves you, this I know - for the Bible tells me so. And He is with you, always. Whatever this day may bring.
2012: Shifting Into A New Reality
Doesn't that sound trendy? ;)
Believe me, I titled this post tongue-in-cheek, thinking about how "culturally relevant" it sounded - but God willing, it's not quite as full of hot air as it could be. :)
I read one of the most incredibly profound books while I was flying to and from the East Coast over the holidays, and I hope that if you get a chance, you will go to your nearest local bookstore and order a copy (if they don't already have it in stock). It's called SHIFT, by Peter Arnell. I could summarize it for you, but I think Peter does a way better job of it himself:
For a number of reasons, towards the end of 2011, I found myself increasingly un-Happy. Part of it, honestly, was just imbalance on my part - being too busy, being busy doing the wrong things, not having enough downtime to meet the needs of my inner introvert, and accidentally but subconsciously beginning to identify myself by what I do, and not by Whose I am. Reading Peter's book was inspiring and timely and as far as I can tell, God-orchestrated. (I mean, really - what was I doing in the business section of Barnes and Noble?! How did I end up there?!) Lol.
I came away from reading this book confident of two things: 1) change is possible; and 2) I'm going to need some help.
There are a lot of things in my life that I wish would just shift by themselves.
They're not going to.
If I want to see things change, I'm going to have to do something.
Some of the negatives are circumstances that I simply cannot do anything about, except pray. Only God can move those mountains, and if/when He's ready to, He will. But there are things I can change. Things I can control. Things I can do.
So as I took my annual beginning of the year retreat to finish Peter's book and pray over this coming year, here are the things I've determined that I would like to either see shift or to see God do in me, as we stand at this year's annual crossroads, choose a path and start walking into 2012:
1) I want to be more present.
- Paying attention to the moment.
- Really listening to people.
- Enjoying what I'm eating, and stopping when I'm full.
- Noticing nature; taking time to look at the stars.
2) I want to be more silent.
- Listening to what I'm actually thinking, and what it reveals about my heart.
- Listening for His voice; learning to know Him better.
3) I want to be more intentionally grateful.
- I need to write it down: what am I thankful for today?
4) I want to make some personal shifts in how I structure my lifestyle:
- Diet: I need to eat things that are good for me, that promote health.
- Exercise: I need to try to exercise at least 2x a week (if not more).
- Image: I've always wanted to dress with a little more style. This is my year to do a little bit of shopping - to buy clothes that flatter and fit. I will always be most comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt, but as I start to eat better and exercise more, I know from experience that I will feel more confident, and I want to look it. I can't go nuts; my debt-reduction plan needs to stay in place - but I need to give myself permission to look nice. And I needed a new haircut. Which I got today. (And I feel fabulous.) :)
5) I want to read and study more. (Leadership books and stories.)
6) I want to write more. And maybe finally take the risk and see if I can sell it.
7) I want to go deeper with Jesus, and fall more in love with Him than I have ever been.
- Listen. Pray. Fast. Wait. Worship.
- Dwell in the shelter of the Most High.
- Walk into my calling.
- Live with purpose. Live with joy.
So that's the new reality; at least, it's what I'm hoping for this year. I don't know when/how/what it will all look like - but because He is with me on this journey, I know it's going to be full of adventure and fun and learning and grace, and an experience far greater than anything I can imagine now.
Please feel free to check in with me from time to time, and ask me how it's going. And go read the book. You won't regret it. :)
Happy New Year, friends. Be blessed.
Believe me, I titled this post tongue-in-cheek, thinking about how "culturally relevant" it sounded - but God willing, it's not quite as full of hot air as it could be. :)
I read one of the most incredibly profound books while I was flying to and from the East Coast over the holidays, and I hope that if you get a chance, you will go to your nearest local bookstore and order a copy (if they don't already have it in stock). It's called SHIFT, by Peter Arnell. I could summarize it for you, but I think Peter does a way better job of it himself:
For a number of reasons, towards the end of 2011, I found myself increasingly un-Happy. Part of it, honestly, was just imbalance on my part - being too busy, being busy doing the wrong things, not having enough downtime to meet the needs of my inner introvert, and accidentally but subconsciously beginning to identify myself by what I do, and not by Whose I am. Reading Peter's book was inspiring and timely and as far as I can tell, God-orchestrated. (I mean, really - what was I doing in the business section of Barnes and Noble?! How did I end up there?!) Lol.
I came away from reading this book confident of two things: 1) change is possible; and 2) I'm going to need some help.
There are a lot of things in my life that I wish would just shift by themselves.
They're not going to.
If I want to see things change, I'm going to have to do something.
Some of the negatives are circumstances that I simply cannot do anything about, except pray. Only God can move those mountains, and if/when He's ready to, He will. But there are things I can change. Things I can control. Things I can do.
So as I took my annual beginning of the year retreat to finish Peter's book and pray over this coming year, here are the things I've determined that I would like to either see shift or to see God do in me, as we stand at this year's annual crossroads, choose a path and start walking into 2012:
1) I want to be more present.
- Paying attention to the moment.
- Really listening to people.
- Enjoying what I'm eating, and stopping when I'm full.
- Noticing nature; taking time to look at the stars.
2) I want to be more silent.
- Listening to what I'm actually thinking, and what it reveals about my heart.
- Listening for His voice; learning to know Him better.
3) I want to be more intentionally grateful.
- I need to write it down: what am I thankful for today?
4) I want to make some personal shifts in how I structure my lifestyle:
- Diet: I need to eat things that are good for me, that promote health.
- Exercise: I need to try to exercise at least 2x a week (if not more).
- Image: I've always wanted to dress with a little more style. This is my year to do a little bit of shopping - to buy clothes that flatter and fit. I will always be most comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt, but as I start to eat better and exercise more, I know from experience that I will feel more confident, and I want to look it. I can't go nuts; my debt-reduction plan needs to stay in place - but I need to give myself permission to look nice. And I needed a new haircut. Which I got today. (And I feel fabulous.) :)
5) I want to read and study more. (Leadership books and stories.)
6) I want to write more. And maybe finally take the risk and see if I can sell it.
7) I want to go deeper with Jesus, and fall more in love with Him than I have ever been.
- Listen. Pray. Fast. Wait. Worship.
- Dwell in the shelter of the Most High.
- Walk into my calling.
- Live with purpose. Live with joy.
So that's the new reality; at least, it's what I'm hoping for this year. I don't know when/how/what it will all look like - but because He is with me on this journey, I know it's going to be full of adventure and fun and learning and grace, and an experience far greater than anything I can imagine now.
Please feel free to check in with me from time to time, and ask me how it's going. And go read the book. You won't regret it. :)
Happy New Year, friends. Be blessed.
in the presence of true greatness
I'm not sure what I expected. The words "Global Leadership Summit" were slightly intimidating. I knew I'd hear a lot of "successful business/ministry" advice. I knew I'd glean a lot of wisdom from people smarter than I am. And I did, and it was awesome, and I have a lot to process from many of the sessions.
But there was one session I will never forget.
Mama Maggie Gobran took the stage during the first session Friday morning. She was introduced by a well-done and brief documentary that explained who she was and what she does - I'm not sure you can see it anywhere, but you can learn about her work in this article or visit her website - Stephen's Children. People began clapping as she took the stage - but then, they didn't stop.
She was given a standing ovation before she even said a word.
It was mind-blowing and overwhelming. I knew within moments that I was standing in the presence of true greatness. It resonated within my spirit: this is a woman who knows and loves God, and serves Him with real humility.
Mama Maggie has been serving the poorest of the poor in Cairo for over 20 years. Day after day, she walks the streets and garbage dumps of the city, seeking out children who need someone to look after them. She gives them so much more than food and clothing - she gives them love, dignity, and hope.
She has poured her entire life - her time, her resources, everything - into caring for the poor. It is a difficult calling, but in spite of the hardship, she would not trade it. And the secret to finding the strength to face all the heartbreak that she faces every day, and to keep on, in the hardest times, doing all that she can to make a difference? "The secret is silence," she said. "Silence your body to listen to your words. Silence your tongue to listen to your thoughts. Silence your thoughts to listen to your heart beating. Silence your heart to listen to your spirit. Silence your spirit to listen to His Spirit."
She began her message with words from Mary's Magnificat - "He has done great things for me" - and her attitude was so authentically that of Mary's. Who am I that He would call me? I am the least of all women. But He has called, and so I say yes...
Really, words can't convey what it was like, watching Mama Maggie deliver her message so humbly and so quietly. But the point hit home. You can't do what you're called to do unless you are as deeply in God as the salt is in the ocean. You need to dissolve. And the power and the strength that you find when you do is amazing. Lose everything. On purpose. And you will find Him. It isn't easy, she confessed. But it is worth it.
Even now, trying and failing miserably to communicate the awesomeness of what I know was a life-transforming experience (tho where it will lead, I don't know!), I am close to tears (again). Simply being in the presence of someone who doesn't just believe the gospel, but lives it out was incredibly humbling. Please hear me that I am not berating myself for falling so short, but the truth is, I am. I can be so selfish and stupid, and to be near someone who was once like me - someone who loved nice clothes and traveling to Europe and all the privileges of social status - but who gave them up and found something of far more substance and value in serving others- was convicting. I'm not going to sell everything I own and move to Cairo - but there's a piece of me that wants to. ;)
I know, tho, that God is writing my story differently - at least for now - and if nothing else, hearing Mama Maggie speak has sparked in me an even deeper longing to know and be known by the God who loves all He created, and to a desire to seek more intentionally after the things He would have me do with my time daily, rather than living so much on my own agenda. Who knows what opportunities I may find to share the love of Christ, if I would only pay a little more attention, and take a little more time to listen for His voice?
I spent time yesterday in the presence of true greatness: a woman after His own heart, who would not allow a standing ovation to go to her head. Instead, it brought her to her knees. God grant that I may be that kind of woman someday.
Create in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit within me. Teach me this kind of humility; create it in me. Amen.
But there was one session I will never forget.
Mama Maggie Gobran took the stage during the first session Friday morning. She was introduced by a well-done and brief documentary that explained who she was and what she does - I'm not sure you can see it anywhere, but you can learn about her work in this article or visit her website - Stephen's Children. People began clapping as she took the stage - but then, they didn't stop.
She was given a standing ovation before she even said a word.
It was mind-blowing and overwhelming. I knew within moments that I was standing in the presence of true greatness. It resonated within my spirit: this is a woman who knows and loves God, and serves Him with real humility.
Mama Maggie has been serving the poorest of the poor in Cairo for over 20 years. Day after day, she walks the streets and garbage dumps of the city, seeking out children who need someone to look after them. She gives them so much more than food and clothing - she gives them love, dignity, and hope.
She has poured her entire life - her time, her resources, everything - into caring for the poor. It is a difficult calling, but in spite of the hardship, she would not trade it. And the secret to finding the strength to face all the heartbreak that she faces every day, and to keep on, in the hardest times, doing all that she can to make a difference? "The secret is silence," she said. "Silence your body to listen to your words. Silence your tongue to listen to your thoughts. Silence your thoughts to listen to your heart beating. Silence your heart to listen to your spirit. Silence your spirit to listen to His Spirit."
She began her message with words from Mary's Magnificat - "He has done great things for me" - and her attitude was so authentically that of Mary's. Who am I that He would call me? I am the least of all women. But He has called, and so I say yes...
Really, words can't convey what it was like, watching Mama Maggie deliver her message so humbly and so quietly. But the point hit home. You can't do what you're called to do unless you are as deeply in God as the salt is in the ocean. You need to dissolve. And the power and the strength that you find when you do is amazing. Lose everything. On purpose. And you will find Him. It isn't easy, she confessed. But it is worth it.
Even now, trying and failing miserably to communicate the awesomeness of what I know was a life-transforming experience (tho where it will lead, I don't know!), I am close to tears (again). Simply being in the presence of someone who doesn't just believe the gospel, but lives it out was incredibly humbling. Please hear me that I am not berating myself for falling so short, but the truth is, I am. I can be so selfish and stupid, and to be near someone who was once like me - someone who loved nice clothes and traveling to Europe and all the privileges of social status - but who gave them up and found something of far more substance and value in serving others- was convicting. I'm not going to sell everything I own and move to Cairo - but there's a piece of me that wants to. ;)
I know, tho, that God is writing my story differently - at least for now - and if nothing else, hearing Mama Maggie speak has sparked in me an even deeper longing to know and be known by the God who loves all He created, and to a desire to seek more intentionally after the things He would have me do with my time daily, rather than living so much on my own agenda. Who knows what opportunities I may find to share the love of Christ, if I would only pay a little more attention, and take a little more time to listen for His voice?
I spent time yesterday in the presence of true greatness: a woman after His own heart, who would not allow a standing ovation to go to her head. Instead, it brought her to her knees. God grant that I may be that kind of woman someday.
Create in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit within me. Teach me this kind of humility; create it in me. Amen.
leaving the sidelines
I had an unusual dream a couple nights ago. In a lot of ways, it was just one of those standard, wow, my brain just super-imposed a lot of different things from my normal day-to-day life in a really strange way sort of dreams. But as I've been thinking it over the past couple of days, it seems to me that God was actually speaking through it.
I dreamed that a very good friend of mine from another church came to lead worship for Torch one day, but we weren't in a theatre; we were in a small stadium, complete with tiered seats, sections, and seating along the sides of the stage. Rehearsal was going well. I remember being extremely happy as conversations took place, watching friends from two distinct parts of my life connect and become friends and serve the Lord together. I also remember being extremely busy, running about, getting things done, answering questions, managing details - you know, all the stuff that usually makes up my pre-service Sunday mornings. :)
And then it was time. People were filling the seats, the lights were about to come up, and the service was about to start. The band walked onstage, and I took a seat at the side of the stage, expecting a birds' eye view, and wanting to be close to the action.
And then this gigantic tent popped up and covered the entire stage, and I couldn't see anything. I could hear the music, and I could see the packed room erupting in heart-felt worship, but I couldn't see a thing except the side of this ridiculous tent. It was so disappointing. A friend from the band came to sit with me when they were done, but she sat where she could see and we talked across a gap of a few chairs. She was sympathetic, which was nice, but it didn't help me see, or connect to anything that was going on in the room.
And then my alarm went off.
Weird, I thought - and laughed a little at some of the strange superimpositions. The tent in particular amused me because I knew where it came from in real life (it's small and plastic, lol). And I didn't really think anything of it, at first - but the dream kept re-surfacing in my head all day, and I found myself thinking about it again last night as we were praying at a leadership meeting.
And I feel like what the Lord is saying to me through it is this: I have a choice about where I sit.
How often do I choose to sit on the sidelines, watching what's going on around me, instead of getting smack in the middle of it? I'm not saying this is always a bad choice - as an introvert and a wallflower, I rather like it, and it's emotionally healthy to be there... sometimes. But how much do I miss, when I choose the sidelines? Where do I need to take a risk and sit right in the middle of things, becoming an active participant instead of a passive observer?
I'm not 100% sure what the answers to those questions are, but I think mostly it's the principle of the thing - simply being aware that, while heaven knows I'm knee-deep and in the center of a lot of things, there are probably areas where I need to step out a little more. Maybe I need to be a little more intentional about talking to people I don't know very well and asking them to tell their stories. Maybe I need to comment a little more often (instead of being a silent reader) on the amazing blogs that my friends (both those I've met and those I haven't) write. Maybe I need to be a little more proactive about just telling people how good God is, without waiting to be asked to tell my story.
Maybe? No, I do.
What about you? Where do you sit? And where do you want to?
lenten journeys: learning to breathe
Today is the first day of Lent, and as usual, I'm a little reflective. This is the beginning of a long season. 40 days (47 if you count Sundays) until we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus - one of the absolute best parts of the amazing Story we live in. I am looking forward to Holy Week! But between now and then.... 47 days.
Julie wrote a beautiful post this week about Lent and her journey with the practice of "giving something up" for Lent. Giving something up is, as she says, about sacrifice - but you're not supposed to do it just for the sake of doing it. The point is to allow the discipline of sacrificing something to be a tool in God's hands, to allow Him to transform you. It was a timely reminder as I begin my own Lenten journey: I am not giving up coffee and junk food and all the other various and sundry things I feel led to cut out of my diet just for the sake of doing it - nor even for the sake of becoming more healthy, tho that will likely happen. I am giving them up because the very act of doing so will teach me discipline and self-control and point me to Jesus, and in His presence, I will be changed for the better. I will become more of the person He means me to be. I will learn some things along this stretch of the road that, while it's possible I could learn elsewhere, I am choosing to learn here.
Lent often feels a little desert-like. I had a dream the other night, and in it was this vast desert-scape: mesas painted glorious shades of reds and browns and khakis, and tufts of dying grass. It was beautiful and barren. And I heard Him say, "I am the one who speaks life to the desert." And then I sensed, rather than saw, that it was all about to change. The desert was about to become a lush valley, full of trees in bloom and rushing streams. It was just about to happen...
And I believe this is part of what my journey this Lenten season will be - watching God speak life into me. It begins, I discovered this morning, with learning to breathe (again). Breathing out my contrition. Breathing in His mercy. Breathing out my frustration with how packed my schedule is right now. Breathing in His ability to walk with me through it and lead me to still waters, even in the midst of it all. Breathing out my whacked perspectives. Breathing in His wisdom. And sometimes - simply sitting still in the middle of all the chaos for 20 seconds and remembering to breathe. God once hovered over the chaos of the deep - and spoke life into it. So I pray with the words of this hymn:
Hover oe'r me, Holy Spirit,
Bathe my trembling heart and brow;
Fill me with Thy Hallowed Presence
Come, oh, come and fill me now.
Fill me now, fill me now,
Holy Spirit, fill me now.
Fill me with Thy Hallowed Presence,
Come, oh, come, and fill me now.
- Elwood H. Stokes, 1879
(c. Public Domain)
Come, oh, come, and fill me now. Amen.
*sidenote: courtesy of The Upper Room and The Uncluttered Heart, I found The Awkward Season this morning. I'll be using this as my devotional for Lent this year, if anyone wants to join me. (some of my thoughts here were sparked by her post this morning.)
timing is everything
So I will grant you that driving until almost 3 am was probably not the brightest thing I could possibly have done, but being in Geneva - an appropriate first stop - put me on a path that led me through the right places at the right times on Day 2. If i'd stopped driving four hours earlier on Day 1, I would have hit Vermont and New Hampshire in the dark, and missed everything.
I took the highway most of the way to New England, but about 2/3 of the way through New York, I got off the toll road and onto the back roads, and it was the best decision I ever made. And this, too, is life. Sometimes getting out of the fast lane and taking a more leisurely pace through life is exactly the best thing.
No, I didn't take a GPS. But I did take an outdated atlas. :) So I figured out - as I went - which roads to look for and how to get across each state - and the road I took out of New York and into Vermont led me straight through the Green Mountain National Forest.
It was as beautiful as I'd always heard it would be.
There's a spot on the side of the road where, on a clear day, you can see for 100 miles. It wasn't a clear day, but since (true to form) someone had built a store across the street, I stopped. I got maple syrup and maple sugar candy (and one piece did actually make it all the way home!) and a couple of post-cards that I will probably never actually get around to mailing. And I just stood there - in the rain - and looked.
And as I drove through the mountains, and simply soaked in the beauty of God's creativity displayed in the trees and rocks and skies around me, I felt myself slowly becoming myself again. Recklessly and ontologically me. At least for a couple of hours. I caught myself smiling for no reason at all. Came close to almost thinking nothing at all.
It was heavenly, resting while driving. And this is why I do it. I do love to travel, tho 12-14 hours a day in my car does feel like overdoing it a bit. But the peace that comes in those moments when it's just me and God and we're not working on anything or talking thru any issues, but just resting in the fact that He loves me and I love Him, and I'm in awe again of the God who paints with this kind of passion and creativity - it's totally worth it.
expectancy, hope, and anticipation
how do those three words make you feel? expectant? hopeful? anticipatory? :)
maybe they create for you this feeling like something is about to happen - something incredible, something amazing. it's just around the corner, over there, and you can hardly wait to see what it is...
i've been thinking a lot about expectations this week, as i've watched a lot of mine fall flat. i had a plan for this week - and it involved getting a lot of stuff done that i haven't gotten done that i've wanted to get done for awhile. and the only thing i can check off my list is that i moved a lot of stuff out of my room in anticipation of finishing that painting project i began a couple of months ago - and it's now sitting in the hallway, and if i don't paint today or tomorrow, i'm going to have to move it all back in without painting.
there was this one thing that had to get done this week - and it will get done - but i underestimated how much time it was going to take. by a lot. and as day after day passed by this week, and it became more and more evident what a project this one task was going to be, i watched my dreams of getting "so much done" fall, one dream at a time. and i wrestled with so much disappointment. i mean, it was depressing really, to have this amazing expectation of all that i was going to accomplish come face-to-face with the reality that most of it wasn't going to happen at all.
and i almost missed what God is doing in the middle of it. teaching me patience. showing me the weight of the expectations i put on myself that aren't necessarily His. reminding me that while having goals and plans and agendas and whatnot can be a wise way to live, that only the plans of the Lord succeed, and i would be wise to ask Him about them before i try to live them out.
i was up at 4:30am today. no idea why. i'm tired. but i am so much more at rest internally than i have been for most of this week. i spent some time on the front porch swing with my Bible and a cup of coffee, and i could hear His call to come and rest.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to Me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." (Isaiah 55:1-2)
and then:
"Is it because there is no God in Israel?" (2 Kings 1)
It's quite the story, 2 Kings 1 - one of those stories that makes it impossible for me to understand how anyone could think the Bible is boring. I mean, have you read it? If this was a movie, it would be an incredible scene. I've linked to the whole story above, and would encourage you to read it, as I am about to leave out a lot of detail. But the short version is this: King Ahaziah's fallen thru a lattice and broken his leg, and he thinks it's a good idea to send off to some other country's god to see if he'll survive it. Probably not the smartest thing the guy ever did. So God sends Elijah to meet the messengers, and Elijah says something to the effect of, "Is it because there is no God in Israel that you're doing this?" Seriously, people... And the messengers go back and tell the king, and the king sends for Elijah, and Elijah reiterates the message to his face.
I can't take credit for these insights - I heard a sermon Tim Brown preached on this years ago, and it's stuck with me - but they came home this morning as I read the story. Typically in the Bible, when something shows up three times in succession it's kind of a flag to say, "hey, pay attention, this is important!" So here it is three times in one chapter: "Is it because there is no God in Israel...?" And in the NKJV, there's a slight variation on the third question: in verse 16, Elijah asks the king, "Is it because there is no God in Israel, to inquire of His word?"
And that, Tim said, is what the story is trying to teach us. That when we have something for which we want an answer, we are to inquire of His Word. Which for us, I think, means both reading His written Word and inquiring of the Living Word, Jesus, as well. I hadn't done that about my plans for this week. And how dangerously close I come some days to not doing that about my plans for my life. I settle in, expecting things to go according to my expectations, and when they aren't met, I am disappointed. How much better could this go if I really sought the Lord and inquired of His Word?
And so I turn and repent of not having asked, and thank Him for the lesson, and His patience in teaching it. And I begin this day anew with these words, prayed by the saints for ages past:
"In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation." (Psalm 5:3) I wait in expectation for what You have to say about this day and all it will hold.
And while I may not listen perfectly, I will be trying to listen. And the hope and anticipation for what might come of living this day His way rather than according to my plans fills my soul, and I can almost see it - just over there, around that corner - there is something incredibly good. I can hardly wait to see what it is...
reflections on greatness
Maybe it was because I'd just read this passage that I caught it while watching Prince Caspian last weekend - the funny little contrast between Reepicheep's silly arrogance and his claim to "great humility." It's odd, isn't it - the minute you become aware of your humility, it really isn't humility anymore. And yet it's something that, as believers, we strive for, long for, hope for, ask for - humble hearts, no longer full of pride.
Last week, reading through 2 Samuel 7, I caught something I hadn't before. I knew this passage was about God telling David he wouldn't be allowed to build the temple, but that he would have an enduring legacy. But reading it this time, one of the phrases God used really struck me.
God reminds David, in a message relayed by Nathan the prophet, of the great things He has already done in his life, and then He says,"Now I will make your name great, like the names of the greatest men of the earth." (v. 8-9) Almost instinctively, I asked the Lord, "Why would you tell him that, God?" And almost immediately the answer came: "Because he could handle it."
And he could. David didn't go getting all full of himself - "I'm going to be one of the greatest men on the earth." He "went in and sat before the Lord." (v. 18) Can you picture that? The king of Israel slipping into the tent of the Lord and just... sitting.
And then he says, "who am I?" and "Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord?" (v.18-19)
Can you hear the humility? He's not jumping around, shouting it from the rooftops. David is remembering the deeds of the Lord (Psalm 77:11-12), and it draws him to worship. He could have fallen prey to some feeling of "entitlement"- after all, God had promised him he'd be king, and now he was, so it was all just justice now, right? and hey, look at all that time I spent hiding in caves - I should hope I'd get some sort of reward for that, and... No. I doubt that line of thinking ever crossed his mind. David loved the Lord, and the fulfillment of His promises led him not to self-righteous, arrogant pride but to worship.
David worships the Lord for His goodness to him and to His people, and then he accepts God's new promise. "And now, Lord God, keep forever the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house. Do as you promised, so that Your Name will be great forever." (v. 25-26)
In other words, "I'm okay with You making my name great, because it will make Your Name great when You do it."
I want that kind of perspective. I want to want God's promises over my life to be fulfilled not just because they're great (which they are) but because His Name will be made great in my life as I walk into the fulfillment of the destiny He's planned for me. It isn't about me. It's about Him. (says the woman indulging her narcissistic tendencies by blogging and hoping someone will read it.) :P
But it is, really. At least, I want it to be. I want the very fact that I live the life I choose to live - going the places He calls me when He calls me to go, doing the things He wants me to do when He wants me to do them - to point to Him, to His glory, to the greatness of His renown. Something we often pray before band practice is that God will help us to be excellent and to play well together not so everyone will think we're so great but so that we can't possibly be a distraction to anyone by our mistakes and fumbles onstage. We don't want to hit wrong chords or walk into the screens suspended from the ceiling on either side of the stage (not that this ever happens, lol) - not because we want to look/sound polished, but because when we do, people are free to not notice us at all. The music we play, the lyrics we sing, point to something greater - become something greater - than we could ever be on our own, and it gives Him glory when that happens. And I think the same sort of principle can hold true in our individual lives. We can become excellent at the things we do for the wrong reasons, and get all arrogant about it - but there are right reasons to pursue excellence, whether that's excellence at a skill or a job or producing the fruit of the Spirit in our lives or walking in His specific will for our lives, etc. - and the best reason is to give Him glory.
And it's interesting how it's often when you don't notice you're doing it that you are.
If I'm going to be "great" - I want to be great the way David was. If I am remembered for anything, I want to be remembered for the way I walked with the Lord, and the way my life pointed to Him and gave Him glory. And I guess what really struck me reading this conversation between David, Nathan, and the Lord is that you don't have to be oblivious to the gi-normity of God's call on your life (tho to put it in persective a bit, the fact that God calls any of us to anything is pretty gi-normous, right?) - you just need to recognize that it isn't about you going anywhere or doing anything - it's about God being given the glory that was His all along - it's about living your life in a way that inspires others to worship.
Maybe it's just because I'm worship person, but I think that's just cool.
Last week, reading through 2 Samuel 7, I caught something I hadn't before. I knew this passage was about God telling David he wouldn't be allowed to build the temple, but that he would have an enduring legacy. But reading it this time, one of the phrases God used really struck me.
God reminds David, in a message relayed by Nathan the prophet, of the great things He has already done in his life, and then He says,"Now I will make your name great, like the names of the greatest men of the earth." (v. 8-9) Almost instinctively, I asked the Lord, "Why would you tell him that, God?" And almost immediately the answer came: "Because he could handle it."
And he could. David didn't go getting all full of himself - "I'm going to be one of the greatest men on the earth." He "went in and sat before the Lord." (v. 18) Can you picture that? The king of Israel slipping into the tent of the Lord and just... sitting.
And then he says, "who am I?" and "Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord?" (v.18-19)
Can you hear the humility? He's not jumping around, shouting it from the rooftops. David is remembering the deeds of the Lord (Psalm 77:11-12), and it draws him to worship. He could have fallen prey to some feeling of "entitlement"- after all, God had promised him he'd be king, and now he was, so it was all just justice now, right? and hey, look at all that time I spent hiding in caves - I should hope I'd get some sort of reward for that, and... No. I doubt that line of thinking ever crossed his mind. David loved the Lord, and the fulfillment of His promises led him not to self-righteous, arrogant pride but to worship.
David worships the Lord for His goodness to him and to His people, and then he accepts God's new promise. "And now, Lord God, keep forever the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house. Do as you promised, so that Your Name will be great forever." (v. 25-26)
In other words, "I'm okay with You making my name great, because it will make Your Name great when You do it."
I want that kind of perspective. I want to want God's promises over my life to be fulfilled not just because they're great (which they are) but because His Name will be made great in my life as I walk into the fulfillment of the destiny He's planned for me. It isn't about me. It's about Him. (says the woman indulging her narcissistic tendencies by blogging and hoping someone will read it.) :P
But it is, really. At least, I want it to be. I want the very fact that I live the life I choose to live - going the places He calls me when He calls me to go, doing the things He wants me to do when He wants me to do them - to point to Him, to His glory, to the greatness of His renown. Something we often pray before band practice is that God will help us to be excellent and to play well together not so everyone will think we're so great but so that we can't possibly be a distraction to anyone by our mistakes and fumbles onstage. We don't want to hit wrong chords or walk into the screens suspended from the ceiling on either side of the stage (not that this ever happens, lol) - not because we want to look/sound polished, but because when we do, people are free to not notice us at all. The music we play, the lyrics we sing, point to something greater - become something greater - than we could ever be on our own, and it gives Him glory when that happens. And I think the same sort of principle can hold true in our individual lives. We can become excellent at the things we do for the wrong reasons, and get all arrogant about it - but there are right reasons to pursue excellence, whether that's excellence at a skill or a job or producing the fruit of the Spirit in our lives or walking in His specific will for our lives, etc. - and the best reason is to give Him glory.
And it's interesting how it's often when you don't notice you're doing it that you are.
If I'm going to be "great" - I want to be great the way David was. If I am remembered for anything, I want to be remembered for the way I walked with the Lord, and the way my life pointed to Him and gave Him glory. And I guess what really struck me reading this conversation between David, Nathan, and the Lord is that you don't have to be oblivious to the gi-normity of God's call on your life (tho to put it in persective a bit, the fact that God calls any of us to anything is pretty gi-normous, right?) - you just need to recognize that it isn't about you going anywhere or doing anything - it's about God being given the glory that was His all along - it's about living your life in a way that inspires others to worship.
Maybe it's just because I'm worship person, but I think that's just cool.
healing, community, and the poverty of availability
I've had an incredibly sweet week in my devotional life. I've been using a website called Sacred Space, a prayer site run by the Irish Jesuits. Every day, it takes you through a 10-15 minute prayer journey that includes a passage on which to read and reflect, and then there's another page called Living Space that includes other suggested readings and commentary on those passages. In spite of occasional theological differences (as I am not Catholic), I have been richly blessed by this site - God has spoken to me so clearly and compassionately through it this week.
A phrase from one of the commentaries earlier this week really captured my attention: the 'poverty of availability'. The commentary is on Mark 1:29-39, which tells the story of the time Jesus went with his disciples to stay at Peter's house, and found Peter's mother-in-law very ill with a fever. Jesus healed her immediately, and she was able to serve them and offer them the hospitality they needed. That evening, the whole city showed up at their door, and Jesus spent hours ministering to the sick and the demon-possessed. Then, in the middle of the night, Jesus got up and went off on His own to pray for awhile. Early the next morning, his disciples came looking for Him, to tell Him that everyone was looking for Him - but He told them it was time to move on to the other villages, so He could preach there too. "It is why I have come," He said.
Jesus had been preaching in the synagogue in Capernaum on the Sabbath when an evil spirit identified Him as the Holy One of God. He silenced the demon and cast it out. Mark 1: 21-28 tells us that everyone was amazed because He taught with authority and was able to give orders to evil spirits. They had never seen - or heard - anything like it. The news spread like wildfire, and as soon as the Sabbath was over, the whole town showed up to see Him.
How incredibly blessed Jesus must have been to have a place to go before that. Peter's house must have been a welcome haven - a quiet place to rest for a bit, on that day of rest. The commentary I read suggested that He healed Peter's mother-in-law, not just for her own sake, tho certainly that was part of it - but because healing enabled her to become an active part of their community. She was able to serve them - as Jesus, in turn, served the people who showed up at the door. Her ministry mattered. It may have seemed a collection of small, everyday, ordinary tasks - but her ability to engage in them mattered to Jesus, and to her family, and to their friends.
Jesus engaged with so many people that day. The man in the synagogue and Peter's mother-in-law were just the beginning. Person after un-well person came to the door to see Him that day - hurting, tired, frightened, in need. And He met with each of them, meeting their eyes, touching their shoulders, holding their hands, casting out the demons who had so long oppressed them. How many people walked away from those encounters with new life, a new spring in their step, hope for the first time in ages? And how did their changed lives affect the lives of those around them?
But it cost Him something. Time. Energy. He needed His own renewal -and so He pursued it, quietly, on His own, with His Father. And while there were still many people who would put demands on His time, who wanted to be with Him, to wanted to talk to Him - He would not be distracted from His mission: to preach the good news of the gospel. And so He went on to other villages.
There is so much to learn from all of this.
Being available to people carries with it its own sort of poverty. It can drain you, being there for people, doing your job, getting everything done that you need to do. There are times when we run so hard and so fast that it lands us flat on our backs in bed with a fever - sometimes literally, tho maybe more often figuratively - when we are rendered incapable of doing one more thing for anybody. Finding balance is essential - not just for our own well-being, but for everyone else's as well. Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well - all the things we know we "should" do but aren't always very disciplined at pursuing - do actually matter. When we don't do them over a sustained period of time we get sick - we need healing - we become unable to serve as we could, we aren't able to "show up" - and our community - whether it's family, work, or church - suffers loss because of our lack of health. Taking time to shush, and to wait - to sit at God's feet, listening to Him speak, and resting in His Presence - is essential if we're to be spiritually healthy; if we don't do it, we end up running on our own strength instead of ministering out of His - and we "burn out" - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - and find ourselves again in need of healing, and our community feeling the effects.
The interconnectedness fascinates me: the idea that God heals us (whether physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally (correcting our wrong ways of thinking) - and there's even an interconnectedness of those four things within us!) not just for our sakes, tho He does love us that much, but so that we can be an active part of what He is doing in the world, and that time spent with Him in solitude matters so that we can minister more effectively... it's all wrapped up together - healing and rest, availability, service. And as usual, everything He's doing in me isn't about me at all, but about His kingdom... and yet it blesses me too. I love these quiet moments in my week, when I can simply get away and be with Him, resting, reading, reflecting, breathing... healing. They matter - to me, and to Jesus. But they also matter to His kingdom, tho I may never actually see how for quite awhile.
A phrase from one of the commentaries earlier this week really captured my attention: the 'poverty of availability'. The commentary is on Mark 1:29-39, which tells the story of the time Jesus went with his disciples to stay at Peter's house, and found Peter's mother-in-law very ill with a fever. Jesus healed her immediately, and she was able to serve them and offer them the hospitality they needed. That evening, the whole city showed up at their door, and Jesus spent hours ministering to the sick and the demon-possessed. Then, in the middle of the night, Jesus got up and went off on His own to pray for awhile. Early the next morning, his disciples came looking for Him, to tell Him that everyone was looking for Him - but He told them it was time to move on to the other villages, so He could preach there too. "It is why I have come," He said.
Jesus had been preaching in the synagogue in Capernaum on the Sabbath when an evil spirit identified Him as the Holy One of God. He silenced the demon and cast it out. Mark 1: 21-28 tells us that everyone was amazed because He taught with authority and was able to give orders to evil spirits. They had never seen - or heard - anything like it. The news spread like wildfire, and as soon as the Sabbath was over, the whole town showed up to see Him.
How incredibly blessed Jesus must have been to have a place to go before that. Peter's house must have been a welcome haven - a quiet place to rest for a bit, on that day of rest. The commentary I read suggested that He healed Peter's mother-in-law, not just for her own sake, tho certainly that was part of it - but because healing enabled her to become an active part of their community. She was able to serve them - as Jesus, in turn, served the people who showed up at the door. Her ministry mattered. It may have seemed a collection of small, everyday, ordinary tasks - but her ability to engage in them mattered to Jesus, and to her family, and to their friends.
Jesus engaged with so many people that day. The man in the synagogue and Peter's mother-in-law were just the beginning. Person after un-well person came to the door to see Him that day - hurting, tired, frightened, in need. And He met with each of them, meeting their eyes, touching their shoulders, holding their hands, casting out the demons who had so long oppressed them. How many people walked away from those encounters with new life, a new spring in their step, hope for the first time in ages? And how did their changed lives affect the lives of those around them?
But it cost Him something. Time. Energy. He needed His own renewal -and so He pursued it, quietly, on His own, with His Father. And while there were still many people who would put demands on His time, who wanted to be with Him, to wanted to talk to Him - He would not be distracted from His mission: to preach the good news of the gospel. And so He went on to other villages.
There is so much to learn from all of this.
Being available to people carries with it its own sort of poverty. It can drain you, being there for people, doing your job, getting everything done that you need to do. There are times when we run so hard and so fast that it lands us flat on our backs in bed with a fever - sometimes literally, tho maybe more often figuratively - when we are rendered incapable of doing one more thing for anybody. Finding balance is essential - not just for our own well-being, but for everyone else's as well. Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well - all the things we know we "should" do but aren't always very disciplined at pursuing - do actually matter. When we don't do them over a sustained period of time we get sick - we need healing - we become unable to serve as we could, we aren't able to "show up" - and our community - whether it's family, work, or church - suffers loss because of our lack of health. Taking time to shush, and to wait - to sit at God's feet, listening to Him speak, and resting in His Presence - is essential if we're to be spiritually healthy; if we don't do it, we end up running on our own strength instead of ministering out of His - and we "burn out" - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - and find ourselves again in need of healing, and our community feeling the effects.
The interconnectedness fascinates me: the idea that God heals us (whether physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally (correcting our wrong ways of thinking) - and there's even an interconnectedness of those four things within us!) not just for our sakes, tho He does love us that much, but so that we can be an active part of what He is doing in the world, and that time spent with Him in solitude matters so that we can minister more effectively... it's all wrapped up together - healing and rest, availability, service. And as usual, everything He's doing in me isn't about me at all, but about His kingdom... and yet it blesses me too. I love these quiet moments in my week, when I can simply get away and be with Him, resting, reading, reflecting, breathing... healing. They matter - to me, and to Jesus. But they also matter to His kingdom, tho I may never actually see how for quite awhile.
a long day's journey into quietness
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense." - Emerson
Today began serenely. It really did. And then somehow between 15 minutes of peace and quiet with God over coffee at 7:00am and now - it stopped being serene. I stopped being serene. No one really knew it, of course. I hid it fairly well. But as soon as I got away for a bit, there was metaphorical chili all over everywhere...
Why?
Well...initially I couldn't have told you, but as I've thought about it, I've realized that:
apparently I haven't come to terms with my inner Donna Reed after all
nor have I grown up as much as I thought I had
I've discovered I'm a hypocritical, snobby isolationist, as opposed to the loving person I'd like to be
I've forgotten to breathe in the unforced rhythms of grace
I've been walking around with a plank in my eye
I've worn entirely too many hats at the same time again
and I forgot that all I'm supposed to do is duck
...among other things.
sigh
But at the end of the day what it all really comes down to is: I've been self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed... self, self, self. I've been thinking about myself far too much, and not nearly enough about God's goodness, greatness, majesty, power, mercy, compassion, justice, righteousness, presence. I lost sight of love, hope, joy, peace... I forgot to let Him grow patience in me, gentleness, kindness, ...ha. self-control. It's a fruit of the Spirit - something He does in you - and not something you do by yourself....
Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry I lost sight of You today, and of the things in life that are truly important. Thank you for this opportunity to lay them at Your feet - to return at the end of this long day's journey to quietness, serenity, peace... hope. Thank You for tomorrow, and all that You will do in it. And for bringing me face-to-face with my pride, and rebellion, and the striving from which I need to cease now, that I may know that Thou art God. I repent for my childish, self-centered attitudes and behaviours, and turn to Your ways. Teach me how to walk in them, Lord. In Your Name and for the sake of Your glory, I pray. Amen.
Today began serenely. It really did. And then somehow between 15 minutes of peace and quiet with God over coffee at 7:00am and now - it stopped being serene. I stopped being serene. No one really knew it, of course. I hid it fairly well. But as soon as I got away for a bit, there was metaphorical chili all over everywhere...
Why?
Well...initially I couldn't have told you, but as I've thought about it, I've realized that:
apparently I haven't come to terms with my inner Donna Reed after all
nor have I grown up as much as I thought I had
I've discovered I'm a hypocritical, snobby isolationist, as opposed to the loving person I'd like to be
I've forgotten to breathe in the unforced rhythms of grace
I've been walking around with a plank in my eye
I've worn entirely too many hats at the same time again
and I forgot that all I'm supposed to do is duck
...among other things.
sigh
But at the end of the day what it all really comes down to is: I've been self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed... self, self, self. I've been thinking about myself far too much, and not nearly enough about God's goodness, greatness, majesty, power, mercy, compassion, justice, righteousness, presence. I lost sight of love, hope, joy, peace... I forgot to let Him grow patience in me, gentleness, kindness, ...ha. self-control. It's a fruit of the Spirit - something He does in you - and not something you do by yourself....
Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry I lost sight of You today, and of the things in life that are truly important. Thank you for this opportunity to lay them at Your feet - to return at the end of this long day's journey to quietness, serenity, peace... hope. Thank You for tomorrow, and all that You will do in it. And for bringing me face-to-face with my pride, and rebellion, and the striving from which I need to cease now, that I may know that Thou art God. I repent for my childish, self-centered attitudes and behaviours, and turn to Your ways. Teach me how to walk in them, Lord. In Your Name and for the sake of Your glory, I pray. Amen.
dinner with Jesus
I've been on a journey these past 21 days, and I'm still not sure how much I can say. For the most part it hasn't felt very holy, but I've been practicing a spiritual discipline at what I believe was God's request, and I believe that not only has God been honored by my obedience in it, but that He's done more than I may ever know... not the least of which is that He's changed my heart a little bit more - turned me, a little bit more than ever, toward Himself.
Today was the 21st day, and I turned off the ringer on my phone and closed the computer, and spent the day in intercession, meditation, and reflection. I read an entire book from cover to cover, and as I read story after story about God's faithfulness today, I found myself melting into one big happy puddle of contentedness and confidence in God's goodness. I am no closer to having any answers to the questions I have been asking God for 21 days - but I am closer to Him, and because of that alone, I believe it's all been worth it.
To celebrate my love for Christ, and His for me, I had dinner with Jesus tonight. Have you ever noticed how incredibly good food is? How just the right combination of meat and spices with just the right veggies and some feta can totally be the perfect end to a perfect day? Have you thought about how carefully God designed the world - so that peas growing on vines and carrots growing in the dirt not only look pretty but taste great when you put them together? Have you thought about how in the world someone ever figured out how to make rice vinegar? Or who thought to put lavender into a spice blend that's amazing on chicken? Who in the world figured out how to make chocolate? (God bless them...)
But as amazing as all the food on my table was tonight, and as much as I appreciated it, what made it perfect was knowing that King of the Universe was here, having dinner with me. His company made it a perfect day today. The God who made and named every star spent the day with me... and with every other person on this planet. I love that. I love that He who has the affairs of whole nations to attend to loves me so much that He took time to attend to some of mine today. I feel ridiculously loved and cherished. As rich as any queen. And so deeply and incredibly blessed.
I have been worried and anxious about so many things this year... but it is time to let it all go. My God - my King - loves me, and is watching out for me... and my lack of understanding of what He is doing or why or how does not alter the truth that He is caring for me, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He is to be trusted. This is a God I can follow anywhere, and while troubles may (and will ) come, I can rest confidently in the truth of His love for me, and the knowledge that nothing - no, nothing - is too much for Him.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:1-2
Today was the 21st day, and I turned off the ringer on my phone and closed the computer, and spent the day in intercession, meditation, and reflection. I read an entire book from cover to cover, and as I read story after story about God's faithfulness today, I found myself melting into one big happy puddle of contentedness and confidence in God's goodness. I am no closer to having any answers to the questions I have been asking God for 21 days - but I am closer to Him, and because of that alone, I believe it's all been worth it.
To celebrate my love for Christ, and His for me, I had dinner with Jesus tonight. Have you ever noticed how incredibly good food is? How just the right combination of meat and spices with just the right veggies and some feta can totally be the perfect end to a perfect day? Have you thought about how carefully God designed the world - so that peas growing on vines and carrots growing in the dirt not only look pretty but taste great when you put them together? Have you thought about how in the world someone ever figured out how to make rice vinegar? Or who thought to put lavender into a spice blend that's amazing on chicken? Who in the world figured out how to make chocolate? (God bless them...)
But as amazing as all the food on my table was tonight, and as much as I appreciated it, what made it perfect was knowing that King of the Universe was here, having dinner with me. His company made it a perfect day today. The God who made and named every star spent the day with me... and with every other person on this planet. I love that. I love that He who has the affairs of whole nations to attend to loves me so much that He took time to attend to some of mine today. I feel ridiculously loved and cherished. As rich as any queen. And so deeply and incredibly blessed.
I have been worried and anxious about so many things this year... but it is time to let it all go. My God - my King - loves me, and is watching out for me... and my lack of understanding of what He is doing or why or how does not alter the truth that He is caring for me, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He is to be trusted. This is a God I can follow anywhere, and while troubles may (and will ) come, I can rest confidently in the truth of His love for me, and the knowledge that nothing - no, nothing - is too much for Him.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:1-2
finding vision - part I
Yep. It's another multi-part post. :)
I'm in this... I don't know what you'd call it... book club? class? ... THING. That'll work... It's a core group of people from Torch who are getting together once a month to talk through concepts found in some of the books we're reading. Last month's book was Visioneering, by Andy Stanley - and it was excellent. To help us think about what we're reading, our pastor gives us what he calls an application guide (and I call homework) and one of the questions he asked last month was really good.
The last question on the guide was, "What's your life vision?" to which I answered, "I DON'T KNOW" and that I'd get back to him on that - it occured to me today that I should probably get around to it - so, since I still don't know, I was re-reading the rest of what I'd written, and thought I'd share this bit.
So here's the question:
What are the top seven values that shape how you (will) live?
1. TRUTH - 2 Timothy 2:15 - "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." I want how I live to honor Him, and to teach (by both word (what I teach - written and spoken) and deed (how I live)) His truth.
2. HUMILITY - Micah 6:8 - "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I want to live the balance between justice and mercy well, which something you must have humility to do.
3. JUSTICE/RIGHTEOUSNESS - Isaiah 56:1 - "This is what the Lord says, "Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed." I want to be known as someone who will always do the right thing, and who knows instinctively what that is, even in complicated, messy situations.
4. FREEDOM - Isaiah 58:6 - "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?" I want to be a yoke-breaker, through fasting and intercession, both private (prayer-closet) and public (praying over people).
5. *SABBATH* - Isaiah 56:2 and 58:13 - I want to learn what this means. I'm not in a place yet where I would die for this - but i think it's God who keeps bringing it up, and it seems to tie in with how I am supposed to structure my life in order to achieve what He wants to do through me. I don't get it yet, but I want to... so this is a "should" - but I want it to be a "would" - and not to impress anybody but because I think it's what God wants for me... Isaiah 56:2 - "Blessed is the man who does this, the man who holds it fast, who keeps the Sabbath without desecrating it, and keeps his hand from doing any evil. Isaiah 58:13 - "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight, and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words...."
6. YIELDEDNESS - John 3: 8 - "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." Wherever. Whenever. Whatever. I want to be when and where He wants me, doing whatever He wants me to do at any given moment.
7. HOSPITALITY - 1 Peter 4:8-10 - "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms."
Romans 12:10-13 - "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality."
I want to live hospitably - as a person of invitation - regardless of my personal circumstances. No matter how in need I am, there will always be something to share. "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you..." (Acts 3:6) etc. Hospitality involves so much more than just having people over for dinner, tho I want that to be a part of my life as well - it's inviting people into your life AS IS.
That last one is tricky sometimes. In spite of all I've written/thought on the subject over the past couple of years, I still find myself trying to clean up both my house and my act...
So what about you? This isn't a meme (unless you want it to be). :) But what do you value? I'd love to know.
I'm in this... I don't know what you'd call it... book club? class? ... THING. That'll work... It's a core group of people from Torch who are getting together once a month to talk through concepts found in some of the books we're reading. Last month's book was Visioneering, by Andy Stanley - and it was excellent. To help us think about what we're reading, our pastor gives us what he calls an application guide (and I call homework) and one of the questions he asked last month was really good.
The last question on the guide was, "What's your life vision?" to which I answered, "I DON'T KNOW" and that I'd get back to him on that - it occured to me today that I should probably get around to it - so, since I still don't know, I was re-reading the rest of what I'd written, and thought I'd share this bit.
So here's the question:
What are the top seven values that shape how you (will) live?
1. TRUTH - 2 Timothy 2:15 - "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." I want how I live to honor Him, and to teach (by both word (what I teach - written and spoken) and deed (how I live)) His truth.
2. HUMILITY - Micah 6:8 - "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I want to live the balance between justice and mercy well, which something you must have humility to do.
3. JUSTICE/RIGHTEOUSNESS - Isaiah 56:1 - "This is what the Lord says, "Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed." I want to be known as someone who will always do the right thing, and who knows instinctively what that is, even in complicated, messy situations.
4. FREEDOM - Isaiah 58:6 - "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?" I want to be a yoke-breaker, through fasting and intercession, both private (prayer-closet) and public (praying over people).
5. *SABBATH* - Isaiah 56:2 and 58:13 - I want to learn what this means. I'm not in a place yet where I would die for this - but i think it's God who keeps bringing it up, and it seems to tie in with how I am supposed to structure my life in order to achieve what He wants to do through me. I don't get it yet, but I want to... so this is a "should" - but I want it to be a "would" - and not to impress anybody but because I think it's what God wants for me... Isaiah 56:2 - "Blessed is the man who does this, the man who holds it fast, who keeps the Sabbath without desecrating it, and keeps his hand from doing any evil. Isaiah 58:13 - "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight, and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words...."
6. YIELDEDNESS - John 3: 8 - "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." Wherever. Whenever. Whatever. I want to be when and where He wants me, doing whatever He wants me to do at any given moment.
7. HOSPITALITY - 1 Peter 4:8-10 - "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms."
Romans 12:10-13 - "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality."
I want to live hospitably - as a person of invitation - regardless of my personal circumstances. No matter how in need I am, there will always be something to share. "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you..." (Acts 3:6) etc. Hospitality involves so much more than just having people over for dinner, tho I want that to be a part of my life as well - it's inviting people into your life AS IS.
That last one is tricky sometimes. In spite of all I've written/thought on the subject over the past couple of years, I still find myself trying to clean up both my house and my act...
So what about you? This isn't a meme (unless you want it to be). :) But what do you value? I'd love to know.
...but... do we *believe* it?
I've been thinking a lot about what Jesus said in John 14-17; I spent a couple of days just reading and re-reading those chapters, and really searching my heart to know if I really believe all that He says. I'm embarrassed to admit that there are times when I really don't seem to, and so I find myself crying out with the man in Mark 9:24, "Lord, I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief." It isn't that I don't believe it - mentally, I do - it's in God's Word, it's true, therefore... but to put my faith behind it, and act on it? That's where I stumble over my own lack of faith.
Consider these verses:
John 14: 12-14 - I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
John 15: 7-16 - (v. 7, 8,16:) If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples....You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
John 16: 22-27 -(v. 23, 24, 26,27:) In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.... In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.
Eugene Peterson paraphrases some of it this way in The Message:
From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do. (John 14:7-8) This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks!....I won't continue making requests of the Father on your behalf. I won't need to. Because you've gone out on a limb, committed yourselves to love and trust in me, believing I came directly from the Father, the Father loves you directly. (John 16:23-24, 26-27)
So if I'm understanding all of this correctly, the idea here is that because Jesus chose us to be his disciples, to be the people who model and teach the way of life that He lived, we're to do the things He did. (I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.) Have you read about those things?! Lame people walking, sick people healed, blind people given sight, the deaf hearing, dead men rising... Oh. my. That's incredible.... but... do we believe it? Do we believe that when we pray, God hears us, and His answer will be yes?
I know, there's immediately a zillion complicated questions - what about "unanswered" prayer? what about when God says no? what about when people you've prayed for to be well do not get well? what about...
Those are all valid questions. Questions I've asked myself. Questions I have used to justify my unbelief... But what if I did believe it? What if I were actually walking close enough with God that I knew His heart in specific situations? What if I prayed, not just things I want or think would be good ideas, but what if I prayed, as Peterson phrases it, things that along the lines of who (God is) and what (He is) doing, things that in keeping with the things (He's) revealed to (me)? It seems to me that (because He said it, and because it just makes sense) if we pray for the things that God wants, His answer will be yes...
And no, the "yes" won't always come right away. There are times when, as author Joanna Weaver puts it, "God's love tarries." When Jesus heard that Lazarus was sick (John 11:1-44), He could have just said the word, and his friend would have been well - He'd done that before for someone else. But He didn't. He waited two days, and then He went to His friends. Their sorrow touched Him deeply; tarrying was not something He did lightly. But oh, the miracle we would all have missed if He hadn't! And who am I to say that because God's "yes" is not yet apparent to me that I have either failed in my praying or that He is not going to say "yes"? (If I am praying in His will - I'm not talking about times when I'm not - and those do exist, because I'm human, and I get it wrong a lot.)
I think this is all kicking around in my head so much because over the past couple of weeks I have been praying for something I really want for someone I love. And I believe with all my heart that it's something God would really like to say "yes" to. It's in keeping with who He is, and what He does. It would bring Him so much glory. It would be an absolute, honest-to-goodness miracle. And as I've been praying for this one thing, God has led me to pray for any number of other related things - and I've seen them happen. And I have been amazed at the accuracy of my prayers for things I was "guessing" at, and the speed with which God has said "yes" to them... and then I read these verses, and felt challenged to question myself: "Do I really believe that God will say yes to what I'm asking him for?" I've gone into it trying to be realistic about the fact that God might continue to say "not yet." Trying not to get my hopes up, trying not to set myself up for disappointment. Trying not to expect too much... but is anything too much for God?
No. No, it isn't.
And the truth is, I felt led to this season of prayer. I felt led to ask for this one thing. I read the parable of the persistent widow awhile ago, and felt the Lord inviting me to take Him up on it, to come and pound down His door for this. "How badly do you want this, Hap? Show me."
I believe He has already said yes, and I have reason to believe it. It is "not yet" at the moment, but I don't know... I don't understand how it all works, but I believe that for whatever reason God has given me the privilege of participating in this part of His plan, and that somehow what I pray, and the persistence with which I pray, is moving something on a level where I cannot yet see it. "You don't have because you don't ask." (James 4:2) So I am asking, and trying to put my faith behind my prayers. I will believe that He is able to do more than all I ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). And I will wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14) for the day He says yes. And praying that it will be soon.
Amen. (which means, "let it be so.")
Consider these verses:
John 14: 12-14 - I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
John 15: 7-16 - (v. 7, 8,16:) If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples....You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
John 16: 22-27 -(v. 23, 24, 26,27:) In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.... In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.
Eugene Peterson paraphrases some of it this way in The Message:
From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do. (John 14:7-8) This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks!....I won't continue making requests of the Father on your behalf. I won't need to. Because you've gone out on a limb, committed yourselves to love and trust in me, believing I came directly from the Father, the Father loves you directly. (John 16:23-24, 26-27)
So if I'm understanding all of this correctly, the idea here is that because Jesus chose us to be his disciples, to be the people who model and teach the way of life that He lived, we're to do the things He did. (I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.) Have you read about those things?! Lame people walking, sick people healed, blind people given sight, the deaf hearing, dead men rising... Oh. my. That's incredible.... but... do we believe it? Do we believe that when we pray, God hears us, and His answer will be yes?
I know, there's immediately a zillion complicated questions - what about "unanswered" prayer? what about when God says no? what about when people you've prayed for to be well do not get well? what about...
Those are all valid questions. Questions I've asked myself. Questions I have used to justify my unbelief... But what if I did believe it? What if I were actually walking close enough with God that I knew His heart in specific situations? What if I prayed, not just things I want or think would be good ideas, but what if I prayed, as Peterson phrases it, things that along the lines of who (God is) and what (He is) doing, things that in keeping with the things (He's) revealed to (me)? It seems to me that (because He said it, and because it just makes sense) if we pray for the things that God wants, His answer will be yes...
And no, the "yes" won't always come right away. There are times when, as author Joanna Weaver puts it, "God's love tarries." When Jesus heard that Lazarus was sick (John 11:1-44), He could have just said the word, and his friend would have been well - He'd done that before for someone else. But He didn't. He waited two days, and then He went to His friends. Their sorrow touched Him deeply; tarrying was not something He did lightly. But oh, the miracle we would all have missed if He hadn't! And who am I to say that because God's "yes" is not yet apparent to me that I have either failed in my praying or that He is not going to say "yes"? (If I am praying in His will - I'm not talking about times when I'm not - and those do exist, because I'm human, and I get it wrong a lot.)
I think this is all kicking around in my head so much because over the past couple of weeks I have been praying for something I really want for someone I love. And I believe with all my heart that it's something God would really like to say "yes" to. It's in keeping with who He is, and what He does. It would bring Him so much glory. It would be an absolute, honest-to-goodness miracle. And as I've been praying for this one thing, God has led me to pray for any number of other related things - and I've seen them happen. And I have been amazed at the accuracy of my prayers for things I was "guessing" at, and the speed with which God has said "yes" to them... and then I read these verses, and felt challenged to question myself: "Do I really believe that God will say yes to what I'm asking him for?" I've gone into it trying to be realistic about the fact that God might continue to say "not yet." Trying not to get my hopes up, trying not to set myself up for disappointment. Trying not to expect too much... but is anything too much for God?
No. No, it isn't.
And the truth is, I felt led to this season of prayer. I felt led to ask for this one thing. I read the parable of the persistent widow awhile ago, and felt the Lord inviting me to take Him up on it, to come and pound down His door for this. "How badly do you want this, Hap? Show me."
I believe He has already said yes, and I have reason to believe it. It is "not yet" at the moment, but I don't know... I don't understand how it all works, but I believe that for whatever reason God has given me the privilege of participating in this part of His plan, and that somehow what I pray, and the persistence with which I pray, is moving something on a level where I cannot yet see it. "You don't have because you don't ask." (James 4:2) So I am asking, and trying to put my faith behind my prayers. I will believe that He is able to do more than all I ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). And I will wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14) for the day He says yes. And praying that it will be soon.
Amen. (which means, "let it be so.")
singing this love song
Day 5. I woke up later than usual in a little motel called The Welsh in Wall, South Dakota. (And no, I did not go to Wall Drug although it was right across the street. I didn't know I was supposed to. Tho its apparent fame does explain all the billboards for it on the interstate.) :P
Getting to the Welsh had been quite the journey the night before. I was exhausted, but I felt God urging me to press on closer to home that night. I wanted to stop in Wyoming, but felt He said to keep going into South Dakota. I kept driving, hearing "not yet." "5 more minutes." "1 more exit." Milestones, all of them, not destinations. Driving thru Rapid City, "See? And you said you would never make it this far." There were times when this conversation felt extremely frustrating, and at one point I was seriously questioning whether any of this was really God talking, or if I was having a conversation with my perfectionist, over-achieving self and if, really, I should have stopped hours earlier... and I drove past a billboard that said, "I am the Good Shepherd." And I had to laugh. "My sheep know my voice, Hap." So I kept driving.
"Almost there. You'll know it when you see it."
"I have no idea what I'm looking for, Lord."
"I know. Kind of fun, isn't it?"
pause. "Well, yes, actually..."
More driving. Looking for a sign (literal or metaphorical). Nothing, for a long time. And then, just as I was about to hit the proverbial wall, there were the signs. "Wall, South Dakota." Ha ha. So I stopped, and spent the night rooming in one of the coziest little motels I've ever seen. My room would have fit perfectly in any secluded retreat center, it was so peacefully and artfully decorated - I felt I'd come home.
As I was leaving in the morning, God said, "Hap, no matter what happens today, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me." okay... So, you would think that after the four days of incredible rest I had been experiencing that quiet trust would come easily. Apparently not. I started to worry... what if my car broke down in the middle of nowhere? what if I got in an accident? what if something happened to someone I cared about and I was stuck two days from home still and couldn't get to them? what if, what if, what if.... and God let me get away with that all the way to Minnesota. Even stopping at Al's (where the coffee is still 5 cents!) for lunch did not alleviate my concerns for long. (should I even be here? maybe i should have kept going...) I was second-guessing everything I did, and I was tired, and cranky, and... oh. I am so sorry, Lord. I haven't really trusted You today.
"Sometimes 'what happens' to you is emotional, too, Hap. No matter what, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me."
Got it. (Minnesota, already a beautiful state to drive through, was an even more pleasant drive after that.) :) And the first part of Wisconsin... and then I started thinking about finding a place to stop. I wanted to rest, journal, maybe take a walk somewhere and watch the sunset. I just wanted to be with God, somewhere other than my car.
And I couldn't find anywhere to stay. Every place I stopped was either sketchy, too expensive, or booked. And then I was close to the Dells and it was a Thursday night, so there was no point in stopping - and then I was past them - and then I was just a few short hours from home, so what was the point in spending that kind of money when I could just go home? So I drove through the night and got home sometime between 2 and 3 am. It was craziness. But it was also kind of fun...
And God sustained me. And at the end of that very long day, I went to sleep, praising Him for His goodness and for bringing me home.
That night I was driving through South Dakota, before I found a place to stay, when I was so exhausted but felt God urging me to keep going... He said, "Do you feel me sustaining you?" and I did. I really did... I could feel the strength and the ability to simply keep going that He was giving me. And what I think He said then is this: "I'm going to give you rest this year - more periods of longer rest than you might imagine at this point - but there will be seasons where you will have to plow a little harder, too. In those times, because you have been at rest, you will be able to run hard and be at rest internally - you will feel Me sustaining you. Even when you are very tired, remember, I will sustain you."
How could I have forgotten so quickly? And yet... the object lesson stuck with me once I realized on that last day what I'd done.
The entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself.
Years ago, one of the chaplains at Hope preached on a verse from the psalms, and I can't find it this morning, but it says, "I lie down, I sleep, I wake again; the Lord sustains me." And he talked about the connection between the two parts of that verse - the pattern of daily living and God's sustaining power in all of it... and I love that. In music when you sustain a note, you hold it out; you make it last longer... in life, when God sustains us, the sound - the chord - the melody of our lives is held - and I suspect that if we truly lived in a pattern of rest and activity, allowing the Lord to sustain us, that our lives would truly sing a love song to His heart that the world could not help but notice. It's what I want for my life, anyway. So be at rest, o my soul. Amen.
Getting to the Welsh had been quite the journey the night before. I was exhausted, but I felt God urging me to press on closer to home that night. I wanted to stop in Wyoming, but felt He said to keep going into South Dakota. I kept driving, hearing "not yet." "5 more minutes." "1 more exit." Milestones, all of them, not destinations. Driving thru Rapid City, "See? And you said you would never make it this far." There were times when this conversation felt extremely frustrating, and at one point I was seriously questioning whether any of this was really God talking, or if I was having a conversation with my perfectionist, over-achieving self and if, really, I should have stopped hours earlier... and I drove past a billboard that said, "I am the Good Shepherd." And I had to laugh. "My sheep know my voice, Hap." So I kept driving.
"Almost there. You'll know it when you see it."
"I have no idea what I'm looking for, Lord."
"I know. Kind of fun, isn't it?"
pause. "Well, yes, actually..."
More driving. Looking for a sign (literal or metaphorical). Nothing, for a long time. And then, just as I was about to hit the proverbial wall, there were the signs. "Wall, South Dakota." Ha ha. So I stopped, and spent the night rooming in one of the coziest little motels I've ever seen. My room would have fit perfectly in any secluded retreat center, it was so peacefully and artfully decorated - I felt I'd come home.
As I was leaving in the morning, God said, "Hap, no matter what happens today, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me." okay... So, you would think that after the four days of incredible rest I had been experiencing that quiet trust would come easily. Apparently not. I started to worry... what if my car broke down in the middle of nowhere? what if I got in an accident? what if something happened to someone I cared about and I was stuck two days from home still and couldn't get to them? what if, what if, what if.... and God let me get away with that all the way to Minnesota. Even stopping at Al's (where the coffee is still 5 cents!) for lunch did not alleviate my concerns for long. (should I even be here? maybe i should have kept going...) I was second-guessing everything I did, and I was tired, and cranky, and... oh. I am so sorry, Lord. I haven't really trusted You today.
"Sometimes 'what happens' to you is emotional, too, Hap. No matter what, I want you to trust Me, and I want you to praise Me."
Got it. (Minnesota, already a beautiful state to drive through, was an even more pleasant drive after that.) :) And the first part of Wisconsin... and then I started thinking about finding a place to stop. I wanted to rest, journal, maybe take a walk somewhere and watch the sunset. I just wanted to be with God, somewhere other than my car.
And I couldn't find anywhere to stay. Every place I stopped was either sketchy, too expensive, or booked. And then I was close to the Dells and it was a Thursday night, so there was no point in stopping - and then I was past them - and then I was just a few short hours from home, so what was the point in spending that kind of money when I could just go home? So I drove through the night and got home sometime between 2 and 3 am. It was craziness. But it was also kind of fun...
And God sustained me. And at the end of that very long day, I went to sleep, praising Him for His goodness and for bringing me home.
That night I was driving through South Dakota, before I found a place to stay, when I was so exhausted but felt God urging me to keep going... He said, "Do you feel me sustaining you?" and I did. I really did... I could feel the strength and the ability to simply keep going that He was giving me. And what I think He said then is this: "I'm going to give you rest this year - more periods of longer rest than you might imagine at this point - but there will be seasons where you will have to plow a little harder, too. In those times, because you have been at rest, you will be able to run hard and be at rest internally - you will feel Me sustaining you. Even when you are very tired, remember, I will sustain you."
How could I have forgotten so quickly? And yet... the object lesson stuck with me once I realized on that last day what I'd done.
The entire trip (and this is only the briefest account of it!) felt like one great metaphor for life and this journey I - we - are on. It was about being at rest, learning to hear His voice, living out of that place of abiding in His presence even when things are busy and/or uncertain, trusting Him, following Him. It was about learning how to allow the Lord to sustain me, rather than trying to do it myself.
Years ago, one of the chaplains at Hope preached on a verse from the psalms, and I can't find it this morning, but it says, "I lie down, I sleep, I wake again; the Lord sustains me." And he talked about the connection between the two parts of that verse - the pattern of daily living and God's sustaining power in all of it... and I love that. In music when you sustain a note, you hold it out; you make it last longer... in life, when God sustains us, the sound - the chord - the melody of our lives is held - and I suspect that if we truly lived in a pattern of rest and activity, allowing the Lord to sustain us, that our lives would truly sing a love song to His heart that the world could not help but notice. It's what I want for my life, anyway. So be at rest, o my soul. Amen.
finding a home, part the first
Day 3. I looked at the atlas that morning, and I thought, okay. I can spend another 6-8 hours in the car and drive all the way from Billings to Glacier, have a day there, and a three-day drive back... OR I can drive 4-5 hours from here to Yellowstone and have 2 days there, and only 2.5 days to drive back.... hm. God, would it be alright? And what I felt from the Lord in that moment was pretty much something along the lines of, "Hap, I don't really care where we are. This is about you and me being together. Yellowstone is fine. Let's go."
So I went to Yellowstone National Park. I took the interstate a ways across Montana, stopped in the last "big" town for gas and coffee just in case - and hit the back roads towards Yellowstone. The drive in was stunning -I got stopped for construction but actually enjoyed it, as I was in a pretty spot overlooking a river that you could actually hear if you listened over the construction noises. And there were any number of what you could actually call "vistas" and not be the slightest bit cheesy... And then there was the Park itself.
Lol... the first thing I noticed is that there are an extraordinary number of bison in Yellowstone National Park. It actually became laughable by the end of the trip, how many completely unconcerned bison there are in the world...I stopped and hiked the Norris Geyser basin. That was fun. It was so good to be out of the car!!! Unfortunately not all my pictures turned out very well... but there are a few things I remember distinctly from that bit of my trip:
1) a jackrabbit (it was enormous) bounding thru the brush on the side of the trail that totally freaked me out (because i was alone and because of the bison and the new possibility that it might (because of my current location) be a bear... ("ooo, see the bunnies" has new connotations now...lol)
2) wildflowers growing at the edges of extremely hot pools of water - what incredible tenacity in the midst of such barrenness! (i want to be like that... which, oddly enough, reminds me of one of my favorite songs, and when i went just now to read the lyrics, they totally floored me... but... well, that's a whole different post someday, i think!)
3) what happened at the Steamboat geyser...
and someday, it will all be made new... someday, we'll be home - and we'll live on the earth as it was always meant to be... i wonder what it will really be like...
Jon Birch has a post up that sparked some conversation on this very subject...
one thing i ask
"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple." - Psalm 27:4
I left home last Sunday with my Bible, a journal, a sleeping bag, a tent, a suitcase, a bunch of non-perishable groceries, and an atlas. Plus the usual number of books I would not actually read. (You would think I would learn from these experiences, but no... you see, I might have time to read that one, and I need this one, just in case... etc. You never know...)
Milwaukee was the first minor adventure of the trip - as a person with no internal sense of direction (as in, if you say words like "north" and "east," my brain freezes up and I just get stupid for a second), I was less than thrilled when the signs saying things like "interstate closed ahead" and "detour" began appearing. But somehow I managed to actually follow the signs and ended up, having driven through several small Wisconsin towns that I may otherwise have never seen, back on the interstate. Kept driving for a bit, and eventually, around dinnertime, pulled off at a rest stop somewhere in the Black Hills of Wisconsin that promised a "scenic overlook." (Sidenote: If you are driving along and see a sign that says "scenic overlook," I would highly recommend pulling over and checking it out. Unless, perhaps, you are in South Dakota...)
The rest stop itself was fairly nice, and I found a picnic table in the sun and had dinner. Then I wandered off towards the part of the little park that I thought might be the overlook (as it wasn't really evident at first glance what one was supposed to be looking over). What I found was a trail, and it led up through the woods for quite a ways. I thought a couple of times about turning around and going back, but I pressed on and finally, after a bit, I came around a corner and found this lovely little spot.
This deck became, for a few moments, incredibly holy ground. I sat on the bench at the far end of the platform, and just looked at the beauty of the hills for awhile - then got out my Bible and began to read. I read Psalm 27 out loud. Have you ever done that? Just read the Word out loud when you're all by yourself? There's just something about saying the words aloud, out in the middle of nowhere - I don't know how to explain what happened, other to say that this psalm, which has been a theme psalm for me for months now anyway, became a very personal prayer for the whole trip in that moment. I genuinely prayed the words of this song up there in the hills, telling God how much I wanted to be in His presence and to be aware that I was... asking Him to make a straight path for me as I traveled, to guide me in where to go and what to do... and as I prayed, this verse jumped out at me: "My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek." (Psalm 27:8) "God, I'm seeking You."
And His answer: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (v. 14). So many things I am waiting on Him for - but it is not a sitting around, doing nothing, sort of waiting - even when it looks (and sometimes feels) for all the world like it is... For these 5 days anyway, waiting on the Lord involved driving - and driving, and driving, and... - and seeking Him out. Letting go of my agenda, my plan, my idea of what the road should even be. Taking each moment as it came. Waiting to see what happened in the course of a day. And smiling.
I was struck so often, over the course of this trip, by a sudden realization that I was smiling. Just driving along. Grinning. I was happy. And I was aware that I was happy.
I'm not 100% sure why this surprised me, but it did. In a nice sort of way. The peace and ... quietness ... that filled my heart, especially over the first couple of days, was so needed, and so welcome. I actually succeeded in driving along, being happy, and not really thinking about much of anything. It was heavenly. Kind of like this view from that bench. :)
I left home last Sunday with my Bible, a journal, a sleeping bag, a tent, a suitcase, a bunch of non-perishable groceries, and an atlas. Plus the usual number of books I would not actually read. (You would think I would learn from these experiences, but no... you see, I might have time to read that one, and I need this one, just in case... etc. You never know...)
Milwaukee was the first minor adventure of the trip - as a person with no internal sense of direction (as in, if you say words like "north" and "east," my brain freezes up and I just get stupid for a second), I was less than thrilled when the signs saying things like "interstate closed ahead" and "detour" began appearing. But somehow I managed to actually follow the signs and ended up, having driven through several small Wisconsin towns that I may otherwise have never seen, back on the interstate. Kept driving for a bit, and eventually, around dinnertime, pulled off at a rest stop somewhere in the Black Hills of Wisconsin that promised a "scenic overlook." (Sidenote: If you are driving along and see a sign that says "scenic overlook," I would highly recommend pulling over and checking it out. Unless, perhaps, you are in South Dakota...)
The rest stop itself was fairly nice, and I found a picnic table in the sun and had dinner. Then I wandered off towards the part of the little park that I thought might be the overlook (as it wasn't really evident at first glance what one was supposed to be looking over). What I found was a trail, and it led up through the woods for quite a ways. I thought a couple of times about turning around and going back, but I pressed on and finally, after a bit, I came around a corner and found this lovely little spot.
This deck became, for a few moments, incredibly holy ground. I sat on the bench at the far end of the platform, and just looked at the beauty of the hills for awhile - then got out my Bible and began to read. I read Psalm 27 out loud. Have you ever done that? Just read the Word out loud when you're all by yourself? There's just something about saying the words aloud, out in the middle of nowhere - I don't know how to explain what happened, other to say that this psalm, which has been a theme psalm for me for months now anyway, became a very personal prayer for the whole trip in that moment. I genuinely prayed the words of this song up there in the hills, telling God how much I wanted to be in His presence and to be aware that I was... asking Him to make a straight path for me as I traveled, to guide me in where to go and what to do... and as I prayed, this verse jumped out at me: "My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek." (Psalm 27:8) "God, I'm seeking You."
And His answer: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (v. 14). So many things I am waiting on Him for - but it is not a sitting around, doing nothing, sort of waiting - even when it looks (and sometimes feels) for all the world like it is... For these 5 days anyway, waiting on the Lord involved driving - and driving, and driving, and... - and seeking Him out. Letting go of my agenda, my plan, my idea of what the road should even be. Taking each moment as it came. Waiting to see what happened in the course of a day. And smiling.
I was struck so often, over the course of this trip, by a sudden realization that I was smiling. Just driving along. Grinning. I was happy. And I was aware that I was happy.
I'm not 100% sure why this surprised me, but it did. In a nice sort of way. The peace and ... quietness ... that filled my heart, especially over the first couple of days, was so needed, and so welcome. I actually succeeded in driving along, being happy, and not really thinking about much of anything. It was heavenly. Kind of like this view from that bench. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)