I discovered something today. It wasn't even necessarily something new - just a new phraseology that made me see it a little differently, I guess. I was standing in the laundry room, leaning against the door and praying - somewhat frantically I might add - and that prayer went something along these lines:
"I can't. God, I just... I can't. I can't do this. I need your help. I am starving, I am tired, I have a million things to do, and I have no patience. I really need you to help me. I'm sorry, God, I know You're really busy and You have a billion things to do..."
And I heard His whisper: "Never feel guilty for needing me, Hap..."
You know, I hadn't really registered - until I said it out loud just that way - that I really do. That my perfectionist, "be all things to all people" thing that I struggle with so much (and yes, I know that's a wrong application of Paul's words, but I still find myself doing it) has actually led me to feel guilty for doing exactly what He said to do - approaching His throne of grace with confidence so as to find mercy in my time of need... (Hebrews 4:15-16)
*sigh* more places to grow, I guess. I seem to be finding an awful lot of them lately.
Fasting, for instance. In reading the Sermon on the Mount for class this semester, I've been thinking about that a lot... and I know what Jesus says about it has so much to do with our religious attitudes, but I just find myself wondering... what am I supposed to do with the fact that when I do fast, I just tend to be a whole lot more irritable? Is the process of being disciplined about doing it anyway going to eventually eek that irritability out of me? I doubt it... tho who knows, maybe it could... and is breaking a fast that God called me to wrong if I'm doing it because I'm realizing that I can't do everything and be everything all at once, and that simply eating something will improve my attitude immensely? I'm not sure... and find myself not knowing whether to feel like a failure or not... :P
answer: err on the side of "not" and just trust mercy...?