At the beginning of January, I joined the OneWord365 Community and chose "compassion" as my one word for the year.
I knew it was going to cost me something.
What I didn't really register is that one of the things it will cost is my pride.
The first thing I've learned about compassion is how little of it I seem to have for myself. I can have a tough day, or screw something up, or say the wrong thing, and my instant response is to berate myself for it (sometimes for days) - whereas a friend can tell me with tears in her eyes about how tough her day was, or how she made a poor decision, or said the wrong things, and my instant response will be one of grace and compassion, calling out what's true about her as a person over and against the facts of her day or a situation, and reminding her who and Whose she is.
I can read verses like Psalm 103:8, which says: "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love" - and know that a Christ-like attitude imitates this - but to have this perspective towards myself is challenging. To be compassionate and gracious towards myself, to not be mad at myself when I "get it wrong" (especially if I knew better!) - wow. Not my first response.
Admitting it out loud means acknowledging that this needs to change. It means that on a tough day, when I'm not succeeding in holding it all together or "getting it right," I need to be able to walk in grace without arguing with it. I know that His grace covers all my sins and shortcomings, and that I am a work-in-progress - but all too often I expect justice when what's mine is gracious compassion.
One of the things the Lord has been whispering so often to my heart this past month is that He understands me far better than I understand myself. He knows every thought, every motivation - and He knows where they came from. He is in the business of taking the broken and making it whole - and He is doing that with me. And He sees past the flaws to the beauty He's bringing out of me.
So a little over a month in, I can already say that "compassion" was a good word for the year. I don't think I realized how much I really need it - especially from myself.
Showing posts with label simple felicity: transparency. Show all posts
Showing posts with label simple felicity: transparency. Show all posts
random ramblings, vol. 9
it's late, but one mocha coconut frappuccino six hours ago might seem to be responsible for that. (there are definitely drawbacks to living largely decaffeinated.) which could have been item number one for this week's edition of random ramblings, but it isn't. (you just get that pointer for free.) ;) so without further ado - MORE random ramblings:
1) i've lately become completely addicted to YA fiction. there are some really good books out there right now. if i ever have the privilege of having daughters, a book i read this week (which i am ashamed to say i almost didn't bring home because of the cover picture - it's a little scary) will be assigned reading during their teenage years. written by a children's librarian (who are, btw, some of the most under-appreciated but most influential teachers of any child's life), this book is a MUST-READ for any girl junior-high or older AND their moms. set in feudal times and dealing with the fantasy world of mermaids vs/and islanders, it subtly but powerfully deals with coming-of-age issues, managing peer pressure, the importance of character over popularity, and self-esteem. all while creating an incredibly believable, historically accurate picture of the feudal system. it was amazing. and the cause of a very short night of sleep this week. i've GOT to stop picking up new stories at night....
(like that's going to happen...)
2) Madeleine L'Engle is still my hero. i'm reading Walking On Water this week, and again, learning so much from her about my faith, art, their interplay, and myself. i cannot wait to spend countless hours in eternity talking with this amazing saint, and am so grateful to her for her transparency and wisdom in all her books, both fiction and non-fiction. her writing and what i've learned from it is part of why i dare to write anything at all, ever. i would have given so much for one meal with her at Crosswicks. someday...
3) i am a horrible correspondent. this is something with which i am slowly coming to terms. i currently have at least EIGHT people who are waiting for long newsy letters. (some of you are among them.) they're coming, really. REALLY. it's just that i can't write shallow personal letters. i suck at them. (and it takes a lot of emotional energy - and time - to produce a non-shallow letter.) so when it finally shows up in your inbox, brace yourself. and schedule at least 1/2 an hour to read it. :) (and if you're not on that list and want one, please leave a comment with your email address. i suggest using the so-and-so (at) such-and-such (dot) com methodology, to avoid spam from web-crawling whatnot. i will add you to the list.) ;) For those of you who ARE on the list already - I promise, I haven't forgotten!!!
4) have i mentioned lately that i'm glad it's summer? there are so many things i am grateful for with the advent of summer:
- a slower pace of life (Thank You, JESUS!!!!)
- sunshine (why do i live in the mid-west again? oh, right. summer)
- road-trips. most notably to Michigan and BFFs in Indiana. plus a variety of others.
5) Sabbath. on-going learning process. on-going revelation. on-going quest. i began a new phase of it today. one of the dimensions of Sabbath which i find to be sorely lacking but incredibly important to/in my life is the dimension of community. the Sabbath was meant to be celebrated together. and to that end, hospitality - which is one of my gifts, but one i do not engage enough - is something i need/want to amp up, especially on Saturdays (my current Sabbath day). so, unto that end - i am investing in new dishes. i know that might sound silly, but the truth of the matter is, a well-set table isn't snobbery to me - it's investment. it's visible proof to my dinner guests that "i'm glad you're here." i'm not going all-out right away - but once a month, i've given myself permission to ditch a few more pieces of the $2 dishes i once owned (but of which i have now succeeded in breaking the majority) in favor of slightly more pricey dinner dishes. i bought 4 dinner plates today. June's purchase will be 4 dessert plates. July's: a 2-tier serving dish. etc. until i have beautiful place-settings and serving dishes for four. (which is all my current table can seat - down the road, that will change, too, i hope!!!) and in the meantime, i intend to (at least once a month) have people over for dinner. which requires cleaning my apartment. which is also on the task list for this weekend. ;)
6) i'm pretty sure that frappuccino is finally wearing off... (yay! just in time for Saturday....) ;)
7) if financial stewardship has EVER been something with which you've wrestled (or especially if it's something you wrestle with now), PLEASE: check out Andy Stanley's podcasts for "Balanced" - via Northpoint Ministries (dot) org. (also available on iTunes). Andy's wisdom is straight from the Lord and from His Word - and most definitely worth pursuing.
So there you have it. Random Ramblings, vol. 9. and on that note - good night! :)
1) i've lately become completely addicted to YA fiction. there are some really good books out there right now. if i ever have the privilege of having daughters, a book i read this week (which i am ashamed to say i almost didn't bring home because of the cover picture - it's a little scary) will be assigned reading during their teenage years. written by a children's librarian (who are, btw, some of the most under-appreciated but most influential teachers of any child's life), this book is a MUST-READ for any girl junior-high or older AND their moms. set in feudal times and dealing with the fantasy world of mermaids vs/and islanders, it subtly but powerfully deals with coming-of-age issues, managing peer pressure, the importance of character over popularity, and self-esteem. all while creating an incredibly believable, historically accurate picture of the feudal system. it was amazing. and the cause of a very short night of sleep this week. i've GOT to stop picking up new stories at night....
(like that's going to happen...)
2) Madeleine L'Engle is still my hero. i'm reading Walking On Water this week, and again, learning so much from her about my faith, art, their interplay, and myself. i cannot wait to spend countless hours in eternity talking with this amazing saint, and am so grateful to her for her transparency and wisdom in all her books, both fiction and non-fiction. her writing and what i've learned from it is part of why i dare to write anything at all, ever. i would have given so much for one meal with her at Crosswicks. someday...
3) i am a horrible correspondent. this is something with which i am slowly coming to terms. i currently have at least EIGHT people who are waiting for long newsy letters. (some of you are among them.) they're coming, really. REALLY. it's just that i can't write shallow personal letters. i suck at them. (and it takes a lot of emotional energy - and time - to produce a non-shallow letter.) so when it finally shows up in your inbox, brace yourself. and schedule at least 1/2 an hour to read it. :) (and if you're not on that list and want one, please leave a comment with your email address. i suggest using the so-and-so (at) such-and-such (dot) com methodology, to avoid spam from web-crawling whatnot. i will add you to the list.) ;) For those of you who ARE on the list already - I promise, I haven't forgotten!!!
4) have i mentioned lately that i'm glad it's summer? there are so many things i am grateful for with the advent of summer:
- a slower pace of life (Thank You, JESUS!!!!)
- sunshine (why do i live in the mid-west again? oh, right. summer)
- road-trips. most notably to Michigan and BFFs in Indiana. plus a variety of others.
5) Sabbath. on-going learning process. on-going revelation. on-going quest. i began a new phase of it today. one of the dimensions of Sabbath which i find to be sorely lacking but incredibly important to/in my life is the dimension of community. the Sabbath was meant to be celebrated together. and to that end, hospitality - which is one of my gifts, but one i do not engage enough - is something i need/want to amp up, especially on Saturdays (my current Sabbath day). so, unto that end - i am investing in new dishes. i know that might sound silly, but the truth of the matter is, a well-set table isn't snobbery to me - it's investment. it's visible proof to my dinner guests that "i'm glad you're here." i'm not going all-out right away - but once a month, i've given myself permission to ditch a few more pieces of the $2 dishes i once owned (but of which i have now succeeded in breaking the majority) in favor of slightly more pricey dinner dishes. i bought 4 dinner plates today. June's purchase will be 4 dessert plates. July's: a 2-tier serving dish. etc. until i have beautiful place-settings and serving dishes for four. (which is all my current table can seat - down the road, that will change, too, i hope!!!) and in the meantime, i intend to (at least once a month) have people over for dinner. which requires cleaning my apartment. which is also on the task list for this weekend. ;)
6) i'm pretty sure that frappuccino is finally wearing off... (yay! just in time for Saturday....) ;)
7) if financial stewardship has EVER been something with which you've wrestled (or especially if it's something you wrestle with now), PLEASE: check out Andy Stanley's podcasts for "Balanced" - via Northpoint Ministries (dot) org. (also available on iTunes). Andy's wisdom is straight from the Lord and from His Word - and most definitely worth pursuing.
So there you have it. Random Ramblings, vol. 9. and on that note - good night! :)
an adjective-defying experience
i realize there's a bit of irony in using the compound adjective "adjective-defying" to describe my experience this weekend... but i'm not sure there really is just one word that would work. "awesome" doesn't quite touch it - tho it's close.
i went "home" this weekend. home to a place where i now know very few people, home to a place that still brings me so much comfort and safety just by being in it. i cheered (literally, out loud) when i crossed the Michigan border, and i kid you not, at one point about an hour later, i suddenly realized that i'd been grinning like an idiot for awhile... :)
i spent two glorious days in a luxury, eco-friendly hotel.
i ate - and ate - and ate! - amazing food: scrambled eggs, bacon, roasted potatoes, rye toast, flatbread pizza LOADED with feta and kalamata olives, chicken corn chowder, minestrone, fish and chips.
i had red wine and orange juice and hot buttered rum (my favorite espresso drink at the best coffee shop in the world). i had an amazing cup of french-press coffee.
i spent time with two dear friends i haven't seen in years.
i worshiped with them and with some other friends at a church that has grown astronomically since the last time i was there.
i listened to beautiful music - classical, pop, worship, Irish (in the Irish pub where i had the fish and chips), and folk.
and i read. an entire book. cover to cover. and it changed my life. is changing. will change.
there are no words that could ever completely describe these two days spent doing all these amazing, blessed and life-altering things with the Lord - but here are a few that just begin to get at it:
beautiful. wonderful. tough. amazing. unexpected. lovely. abundant. peaceful. right. true. dangerous. blessed. intimate. challenging. restful. pure. long. short. (far too short.) lonely. communal. lush. restorative. informative. formative. social. sweet. transformative.
i'm sure there are others that describe it as well.
i hope to be able to unpack some of it over the next few weeks. stay tuned.
and in the meantime: go buy yourself a copy of Dan Allender's Sabbath... i won't tell you that it will change your life. but it did change mine. and it's a good book.
spinning
no, that time stamp down there isn't kidding - it really is shortly after 3:00am at the moment. i woke up totally wired about half an hour ago, and when i asked God why, He said, "well, you've been wanting time to write, haven't you?" so i got up, checked my email, went to make an omelet and decided somewhere between fridge and stove that garlic buttered shrimp sounded better, and so here i am, writing and eating really good shrimp at 3:10am.
mmm. oh, wow. this is really good shrimp...
so i did something last night that i'm not sure i have ever done before. i went to rehearsal for Torch, had dinner with some friends (it was Torchfest, which is our end of the month "let's all bring food and hang out" night), stayed for the sermon - and went home. just about the time the band got onstage. i don't think i've ever not gotten onstage when i was "supposed" to unless i've been really sick. i actually wasn't "supposed" to be up there last night - it was a stereotypical two-people-called-in-and-no-one-knew-until-just-before-rehearsal night and so we all shuffled what instruments we were playing - the bassist took drums, the guitarist took bass (because otherwise it was going to be me, and i've never played bass in my life) and i took guitar and vocal because the girl who was leading this week told me she needed me to, and i was too tired to argue, and someone else stepped in and ran powerpoint for me.
there was a discussion time between the sermon and the musical portion of our worship, and a few of us were hanging out in the soundbooth talking. our pastor wandered by, and asked how i was doing. i said i was tired, and jokingly asked if it would be poor form if i went home. he said something to the effect of: "no, actually, i think it would be great if you did that. because godly women know when they need to walk away from ministry for awhile in order to abide instead. go home and get some sleep." and the next thing i knew, i was in my car on the way home. and i was asleep by 10:00pm. which is why i'm now up.... five hours a night has been the average for the past few weeks, and it's time for that to stop.
i've asked for some time off from ministry stuff. not because i don't want to do it anymore, but because i need to rest. re-root in God's presence. get my papers and the final done for the correspondence class i'm taking. sleep. learn to see straight again. i am really hoping they say yes. it would give me almost three weeks of freedom, and it would be so nice to just go to church...
this past weekend was amazing. it's not the biggest platform i've ever been on, but it's the biggest i've ever led from. and i got up there in my sockfeet and worshiped, and it was sweet. it was a bit of a weird zone, because the acoustics of the room prevent you from being able to hear the congregation singing, and the lights prevent you from seeing most of them, so it's almost like being in a really loud bubble up there, but i worshiped the Lord, and there were moments when i felt such joy bubble up in my soul as i sang. i didn't get a lot of feedback afterwards, but there were a few people whose opinions i value highly who let me know how incredibly sweet they'd found His presence that morning, and i was able to walk away knowing that i'd done my job well enough that i hadn't gotten in His way, and i was glad for that...
but at the end of the last service, i sat there on the edge of the stage for a moment, and i just started to feel a little depressed... it had been a good run. i think i can safely say that i didn't bomb it. i was really glad to be up there in my socks... but there was almost a sense of... "that was it?" it felt... anticlimactic. all that build up, and then it was done. it was great. but now it's done.
and i'm left with three songs in my head. The "so what we have learned" song from VeggieTales (along with questions about what i've learned from all this, which i will get to eventually, tho probably not this morning!), Jump 5's Spinning Around, and Charlie Hall's Marvelous Light. and... now what?
"spinning around, i've got this funny feeling, turning my whole world upside down..." (jump 5)
"lift my hands and spin around, see the light that i have found, oh the marvelous light, the marvelous light" (Charlie Hall)
and this:
jON has left an absolutely beautiful comment on one of my posts (Translucency), and i wasn't sure whether to laugh or weep when i read it, as it is so timely. this is what he said:
this brings words to mind from trent reznor.
"are you sure what side of the glass you are on?"
i think in my life, i was always facing the wrong way. god kept drawing me to himself, however, slowly but surely. it wasn't until he finally pulled me on the other side of the glass that i awoke.
why is this glass in my way?! what happened?! everything used to be so clear! now i don't know what's happening!
"turn around" he said.
then i saw it. the world in technicolor right before me. i was looking the wrong way the whole time. if i had turned around before, i would have noticed i was already encased in the translucent glass, never having seen truly before. and i would have known the instant i became free as a cause for rejoicing rather than fearing my entire world had failed me.
jON, that's beautifully worded. thank you.
i'm in that sort of a place right now. a place where i know if i just spin around a little further i'm going to be able to make sense of at least some of this...
what i wish is that i'd been able to ride the tide of worship that flowed through that room this weekend and been aware that i was riding it. i know i did - i just didn't feel it the way i wanted to. but the reality is that i'm so drained and so tired and so insanely busy that i am not habitually leading worship out of a place of abiding right now. God has blessed what i'm doing anyway - but He's also made it clear that it's time to shush for a bit, and draw away with Him for awhile.
There's a scene in Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time that's been kicking around in my head for days now, and I think it ties things together rather nicely... Meg has just found her father, who is (ironically) imprisoned in a glass column on a very dark planet. Within it there is nothing but darkness, but with the right lenses (Mrs. Who's glasses), the very particles of the glass that traps him shift, allowing him to escape. So he picks Meg up, and they go through the glass together:
"For a moment it seemed that the chill darkness would tear her from her father's arms. She tried to scream, but within that icy horror no sound was possible. Her father's arms tightened around her, and she clung to his neck in a strangle hold, but she was no longer lost in panic. She knew that if her father could not get her through the wall he would stay with her rather than leave her; she knew that she was safe as long as she was in his arms." (p. 139)
and on that note... i think i need to go abide in my bed awhile longer. :) Good night... er, good morning, rather. :)
mmm. oh, wow. this is really good shrimp...
so i did something last night that i'm not sure i have ever done before. i went to rehearsal for Torch, had dinner with some friends (it was Torchfest, which is our end of the month "let's all bring food and hang out" night), stayed for the sermon - and went home. just about the time the band got onstage. i don't think i've ever not gotten onstage when i was "supposed" to unless i've been really sick. i actually wasn't "supposed" to be up there last night - it was a stereotypical two-people-called-in-and-no-one-knew-until-just-before-rehearsal night and so we all shuffled what instruments we were playing - the bassist took drums, the guitarist took bass (because otherwise it was going to be me, and i've never played bass in my life) and i took guitar and vocal because the girl who was leading this week told me she needed me to, and i was too tired to argue, and someone else stepped in and ran powerpoint for me.
there was a discussion time between the sermon and the musical portion of our worship, and a few of us were hanging out in the soundbooth talking. our pastor wandered by, and asked how i was doing. i said i was tired, and jokingly asked if it would be poor form if i went home. he said something to the effect of: "no, actually, i think it would be great if you did that. because godly women know when they need to walk away from ministry for awhile in order to abide instead. go home and get some sleep." and the next thing i knew, i was in my car on the way home. and i was asleep by 10:00pm. which is why i'm now up.... five hours a night has been the average for the past few weeks, and it's time for that to stop.
i've asked for some time off from ministry stuff. not because i don't want to do it anymore, but because i need to rest. re-root in God's presence. get my papers and the final done for the correspondence class i'm taking. sleep. learn to see straight again. i am really hoping they say yes. it would give me almost three weeks of freedom, and it would be so nice to just go to church...
this past weekend was amazing. it's not the biggest platform i've ever been on, but it's the biggest i've ever led from. and i got up there in my sockfeet and worshiped, and it was sweet. it was a bit of a weird zone, because the acoustics of the room prevent you from being able to hear the congregation singing, and the lights prevent you from seeing most of them, so it's almost like being in a really loud bubble up there, but i worshiped the Lord, and there were moments when i felt such joy bubble up in my soul as i sang. i didn't get a lot of feedback afterwards, but there were a few people whose opinions i value highly who let me know how incredibly sweet they'd found His presence that morning, and i was able to walk away knowing that i'd done my job well enough that i hadn't gotten in His way, and i was glad for that...
but at the end of the last service, i sat there on the edge of the stage for a moment, and i just started to feel a little depressed... it had been a good run. i think i can safely say that i didn't bomb it. i was really glad to be up there in my socks... but there was almost a sense of... "that was it?" it felt... anticlimactic. all that build up, and then it was done. it was great. but now it's done.
and i'm left with three songs in my head. The "so what we have learned" song from VeggieTales (along with questions about what i've learned from all this, which i will get to eventually, tho probably not this morning!), Jump 5's Spinning Around, and Charlie Hall's Marvelous Light. and... now what?
"spinning around, i've got this funny feeling, turning my whole world upside down..." (jump 5)
"lift my hands and spin around, see the light that i have found, oh the marvelous light, the marvelous light" (Charlie Hall)
and this:
jON has left an absolutely beautiful comment on one of my posts (Translucency), and i wasn't sure whether to laugh or weep when i read it, as it is so timely. this is what he said:
this brings words to mind from trent reznor.
"are you sure what side of the glass you are on?"
i think in my life, i was always facing the wrong way. god kept drawing me to himself, however, slowly but surely. it wasn't until he finally pulled me on the other side of the glass that i awoke.
why is this glass in my way?! what happened?! everything used to be so clear! now i don't know what's happening!
"turn around" he said.
then i saw it. the world in technicolor right before me. i was looking the wrong way the whole time. if i had turned around before, i would have noticed i was already encased in the translucent glass, never having seen truly before. and i would have known the instant i became free as a cause for rejoicing rather than fearing my entire world had failed me.
jON, that's beautifully worded. thank you.
i'm in that sort of a place right now. a place where i know if i just spin around a little further i'm going to be able to make sense of at least some of this...
what i wish is that i'd been able to ride the tide of worship that flowed through that room this weekend and been aware that i was riding it. i know i did - i just didn't feel it the way i wanted to. but the reality is that i'm so drained and so tired and so insanely busy that i am not habitually leading worship out of a place of abiding right now. God has blessed what i'm doing anyway - but He's also made it clear that it's time to shush for a bit, and draw away with Him for awhile.
There's a scene in Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time that's been kicking around in my head for days now, and I think it ties things together rather nicely... Meg has just found her father, who is (ironically) imprisoned in a glass column on a very dark planet. Within it there is nothing but darkness, but with the right lenses (Mrs. Who's glasses), the very particles of the glass that traps him shift, allowing him to escape. So he picks Meg up, and they go through the glass together:
"For a moment it seemed that the chill darkness would tear her from her father's arms. She tried to scream, but within that icy horror no sound was possible. Her father's arms tightened around her, and she clung to his neck in a strangle hold, but she was no longer lost in panic. She knew that if her father could not get her through the wall he would stay with her rather than leave her; she knew that she was safe as long as she was in his arms." (p. 139)
and on that note... i think i need to go abide in my bed awhile longer. :) Good night... er, good morning, rather. :)
translucency
Translucent - 1. permitting the passage of light: a: clear, transparent; b: transmitting and diffusing light so that objects beyond cannot be seen clearly 2. free from disguise or falseness
A friend of mine claimed he was being translucent the other day - to which I said, "sigh - define translucent." He laughed at the bold sigh, and said: "Translucent is a state that allows only certain light to pass through, either creating a tint to our perception or a distortion of the original image passing through. Stained glass is a great example of glass that is translucent."
This word makes me think of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "For now we see in a mirror, dimly..." I love the Message version of this verse: "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"
And "translucency" expresses so well the lighting in my "spiritual environment" at the moment. There's something I'm missing, a way in which I'm seeing true objects/concepts in a slightly distorted fashion. Some of it is beautifully lit - blues and purples casting fun patterns on wooden pews and stone floors... and some of it is just bizarre - weird shades of green and yellow that almost make you feel ill...
I had a weird experience last night. I was spending time with a group of people I love deeply, and with whom I am generally pretty open... and last night, I just didn't feel like talking. Everything I've been writing about this week (published and non-published) - they should know this stuff. But I didn't really explain it to them, not well. I gave them the five second cryptic update on the Battle of the Shoes and generally vented about a couple of other things... and they responded in love and compassion with true responses to what I told them... but I couldn't shake the feeling that what I'd presented was a slightly distorted view of reality - distorted largely because I'm so far past exhausted I can't see straight, I was starving and dizzy and light-headed, and because I'm not seeing clearly to begin with, and not because I lied or meant to... what I said was true, but it wasn't the whole truth - I don't think I know what the whole truth is...
They gave me good advice - it was biblical, it was godly - and it felt off.
Not sure what to make of that.
But I came away from it thinking, "Okay, something needs to shift. I need to be able to see more clearly."
So I am taking a week off. Not from life, much as I could use a vacation. But from blogging, from making decisions that matter, from everything I can think of that may be aiding in this distortion. I am going to go back and read everything I can find that I've written since August and see if I can trace the trajectory I've been on, what it is that God has been doing in me and maybe why, and see if I can guess beyond an hour from now what's next... I think I looked at the Promised Land and decided to run last night, and it felt like Israel said "go for it" - but I'm not sure...
So here's where you come in. Will you help me? Will you go back during this week and read what I've written here and tell me what you see God doing in the life of this girl you've been getting to know? What you've seen Him teach me? I need to remember the deeds of the Lord this week. (Psalm 77 again.)
Thank you, my friends.
And Happy Easter!
I will "see" you in a week or so.
Love,
Happy
A friend of mine claimed he was being translucent the other day - to which I said, "sigh - define translucent." He laughed at the bold sigh, and said: "Translucent is a state that allows only certain light to pass through, either creating a tint to our perception or a distortion of the original image passing through. Stained glass is a great example of glass that is translucent."
This word makes me think of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "For now we see in a mirror, dimly..." I love the Message version of this verse: "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"
And "translucency" expresses so well the lighting in my "spiritual environment" at the moment. There's something I'm missing, a way in which I'm seeing true objects/concepts in a slightly distorted fashion. Some of it is beautifully lit - blues and purples casting fun patterns on wooden pews and stone floors... and some of it is just bizarre - weird shades of green and yellow that almost make you feel ill...
I had a weird experience last night. I was spending time with a group of people I love deeply, and with whom I am generally pretty open... and last night, I just didn't feel like talking. Everything I've been writing about this week (published and non-published) - they should know this stuff. But I didn't really explain it to them, not well. I gave them the five second cryptic update on the Battle of the Shoes and generally vented about a couple of other things... and they responded in love and compassion with true responses to what I told them... but I couldn't shake the feeling that what I'd presented was a slightly distorted view of reality - distorted largely because I'm so far past exhausted I can't see straight, I was starving and dizzy and light-headed, and because I'm not seeing clearly to begin with, and not because I lied or meant to... what I said was true, but it wasn't the whole truth - I don't think I know what the whole truth is...
They gave me good advice - it was biblical, it was godly - and it felt off.
Not sure what to make of that.
But I came away from it thinking, "Okay, something needs to shift. I need to be able to see more clearly."
So I am taking a week off. Not from life, much as I could use a vacation. But from blogging, from making decisions that matter, from everything I can think of that may be aiding in this distortion. I am going to go back and read everything I can find that I've written since August and see if I can trace the trajectory I've been on, what it is that God has been doing in me and maybe why, and see if I can guess beyond an hour from now what's next... I think I looked at the Promised Land and decided to run last night, and it felt like Israel said "go for it" - but I'm not sure...
So here's where you come in. Will you help me? Will you go back during this week and read what I've written here and tell me what you see God doing in the life of this girl you've been getting to know? What you've seen Him teach me? I need to remember the deeds of the Lord this week. (Psalm 77 again.)
Thank you, my friends.
And Happy Easter!
I will "see" you in a week or so.
Love,
Happy
ten thousand angels
I'm not sure why he did it; maybe God just spoke to him (this is highly likely) - but my friend Josh dedicated a music video to me last night on iLike (which is a Facebook app for those who wondered). It hit my heart exactly where I needed it to when I watched it this morning. So thank you, Josh. And thank You, Jesus, for the reminder that while dark nights of the soul come in many shapes and sizes and are about many things, there is always morning, always a new day, always new mercy, and always You. Love truly has come for me, and He rejoices over me with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
It has been an angsty couple of days; lots of emotions, mostly sadness - some explicable, and some ... just there. Wrestling with more than a few things mentally, spiritually, emotionally... Some of it I will post on later this weekend, I hope (time permitting).
I am learning not to do this:
(HT: The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus)
And to maybe begin to do this a little more frequently:
(again, HT: ASBO Jesus)
and learning that I can because this song is true:
It has been an angsty couple of days; lots of emotions, mostly sadness - some explicable, and some ... just there. Wrestling with more than a few things mentally, spiritually, emotionally... Some of it I will post on later this weekend, I hope (time permitting).
I am learning not to do this:
(HT: The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus)And to maybe begin to do this a little more frequently:
(again, HT: ASBO Jesus)and learning that I can because this song is true:
Some of my favorite lines from the song*:
how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you...
everything worth keeping comes through dying
...so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
...
*This song is called Ten Thousand Angels. It was written by Sandra McCracken and is performed here by her husband, Derek Webb; I believe it's a bonus track on the latest Caedmon's Call album, Overdressed. Don't quote me on that, tho.
transparency
I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that felt incredibly significant. Dreams and visions are not ways in which God "normally" speaks to me; I actually very rarely remember my dreams, so when I do, I pay attention. Sometimes they're just psychotic - like the dream I had about a month ago in which I actually met Rachel, and we were driving around in Maine in a red convertible (it was summer), and we rescued Kirk Cameron (who was not drowning at all) from a man-made catch-and-release fishing pond. Fun dream, no idea where that came from, probably not worth much more than a laugh. But some dreams just seem to make a little more sense than their basic plot.
In this particular dream, I was at some sort of a party with a number of people I knew, and we had just come into the kitchen to get dinner. I was toward the tail end of the line, standing and chatting idly with the people around me, when our pastor came up behind me, put his hand on my back, and began to pray in another language. This warm heat spread over my back, and when he stopped praying, it didn't hurt anymore. (I wrenched it in real life a couple of months ago, and it's still kind of bugging me a bit.) In my dream, I just kind of looked at him, and I said, "how did you know?" and he just smiled compassionately and said, "Hap, why didn't you tell anybody?" And then I woke up.
You know, I don't know why I didn't tell anybody. It's not like prayer would hurt - in fact, it would probably help. (And my back is getting better.) But this dream has me thinking about transparency. It's something our pastor says quite frequently when someone shares something personal - "thanks for being so transparent" - and my general response to that, at least internally, is usually, "well, what else would I be?" Transparency is truthful; it's honest; and those are things I generally try to be... but talking with a friend about this the other day, she said, "oh, no, Hap - you can keep to yourself pretty well when you want to." And I realized she was right.
I'm not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. It might be a little of both. Still working it out. And still trying to figure out what, if anything else, is significant about that dream....
In this particular dream, I was at some sort of a party with a number of people I knew, and we had just come into the kitchen to get dinner. I was toward the tail end of the line, standing and chatting idly with the people around me, when our pastor came up behind me, put his hand on my back, and began to pray in another language. This warm heat spread over my back, and when he stopped praying, it didn't hurt anymore. (I wrenched it in real life a couple of months ago, and it's still kind of bugging me a bit.) In my dream, I just kind of looked at him, and I said, "how did you know?" and he just smiled compassionately and said, "Hap, why didn't you tell anybody?" And then I woke up.
You know, I don't know why I didn't tell anybody. It's not like prayer would hurt - in fact, it would probably help. (And my back is getting better.) But this dream has me thinking about transparency. It's something our pastor says quite frequently when someone shares something personal - "thanks for being so transparent" - and my general response to that, at least internally, is usually, "well, what else would I be?" Transparency is truthful; it's honest; and those are things I generally try to be... but talking with a friend about this the other day, she said, "oh, no, Hap - you can keep to yourself pretty well when you want to." And I realized she was right.
I'm not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. It might be a little of both. Still working it out. And still trying to figure out what, if anything else, is significant about that dream....
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