curious...

My alarm went off at 5:30am. On a Saturday! There's a workshop on spiritual disciplines at my church today, and it's one of a series of classes that everyone's going thru, and I was supposed to go.... so I got up. Made some coffee, read for a bit, got ready to go. And then didn't.

I'm not sure why. It just feels a little off to go - like maybe there's something else this day holds that I'm supposed to do or say or experience that I wouldn't if I were at the workshop. I have no idea. But here I am, up and dressed and raring to go at 7:47am on my one day to sleep in, and I have no idea why. :)

It's kind of fun, actually.

And at the end of the day, this may actually be about rest. I didn't have a very busy week, but I am very tired at the end of it. And I have a mountain of art projects to get to, some of which have deadlines. So maybe today will simply be a day of quiet creativity. Or maybe quiet conversations - with Jesus, with friends, with my heart. I don't know. But I am looking forward to finding out. And relaxing into a day upon which there are suddenly no expectations except Presence and Providence. It feels... nice. :)

on being a nickel

it was announced in church yesterday that two new positions have been created to replace my old position as worship director. one of those positions is that of worship pastor, and the other is that of a creative director. it's become increasingly evident over the course of the past few months, through prayer and through plain common sense, just watching things unfold, that God is calling someone else to lead our band, and i am so excited to see the ways in which God has already grown him as a leader and will continue to do so. he's very gifted, and this role shift will only bless our church.

i'll be taking the role of creative director. my job description? well, i think it's still in process, but it includes not only helping with creative planning for our services and finding new ways to incorporate the arts into our worship, but creating "sacred space" from the moment you walk into the movie theatre until the moment you leave. this is no small task. actually... it's a bit daunting. (and if anyone has any ideas, i'll take them!)

i will miss leading worship. i will. but a dear friend wrote to me yesterday and reminded me that i will still be leading worship - just in a different way. i'll be creating a worship environment. i'll be helping artists in our congregation tap their gifts and offer them to the Lord. and as i do it, i'll be learning what Sacred Space was always meant to teach - how to worship God not just thru a song but with my whole life.

and as John Wimber once said, "i am just a nickel in God's pocket, that He can spend any way He wants to." i think it is good for me to remember that.

this new path i am on - it is a good one, because it is His path. i wanted change. i got it, lol. and i think, as i start down this road, i will only continue to see more and more of the beauty that surrounds me in this new place i am in. and there - just over there around that corner - something amazing is still waiting.

expectancy, hope, and anticipation

how do those three words make you feel? expectant? hopeful? anticipatory? :)

maybe they create for you this feeling like something is about to happen - something incredible, something amazing. it's just around the corner, over there, and you can hardly wait to see what it is...

i've been thinking a lot about expectations this week, as i've watched a lot of mine fall flat. i had a plan for this week - and it involved getting a lot of stuff done that i haven't gotten done that i've wanted to get done for awhile. and the only thing i can check off my list is that i moved a lot of stuff out of my room in anticipation of finishing that painting project i began a couple of months ago - and it's now sitting in the hallway, and if i don't paint today or tomorrow, i'm going to have to move it all back in without painting.

there was this one thing that had to get done this week - and it will get done - but i underestimated how much time it was going to take. by a lot. and as day after day passed by this week, and it became more and more evident what a project this one task was going to be, i watched my dreams of getting "so much done" fall, one dream at a time. and i wrestled with so much disappointment. i mean, it was depressing really, to have this amazing expectation of all that i was going to accomplish come face-to-face with the reality that most of it wasn't going to happen at all.

and i almost missed what God is doing in the middle of it. teaching me patience. showing me the weight of the expectations i put on myself that aren't necessarily His. reminding me that while having goals and plans and agendas and whatnot can be a wise way to live, that only the plans of the Lord succeed, and i would be wise to ask Him about them before i try to live them out.

i was up at 4:30am today. no idea why. i'm tired. but i am so much more at rest internally than i have been for most of this week. i spent some time on the front porch swing with my Bible and a cup of coffee, and i could hear His call to come and rest.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to Me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." (Isaiah 55:1-2)

and then:

"Is it because there is no God in Israel?" (2 Kings 1)

It's quite the story, 2 Kings 1 - one of those stories that makes it impossible for me to understand how anyone could think the Bible is boring. I mean, have you read it? If this was a movie, it would be an incredible scene. I've linked to the whole story above, and would encourage you to read it, as I am about to leave out a lot of detail. But the short version is this: King Ahaziah's fallen thru a lattice and broken his leg, and he thinks it's a good idea to send off to some other country's god to see if he'll survive it. Probably not the smartest thing the guy ever did. So God sends Elijah to meet the messengers, and Elijah says something to the effect of, "Is it because there is no God in Israel that you're doing this?" Seriously, people... And the messengers go back and tell the king, and the king sends for Elijah, and Elijah reiterates the message to his face.

I can't take credit for these insights - I heard a sermon Tim Brown preached on this years ago, and it's stuck with me - but they came home this morning as I read the story. Typically in the Bible, when something shows up three times in succession it's kind of a flag to say, "hey, pay attention, this is important!" So here it is three times in one chapter: "Is it because there is no God in Israel...?" And in the NKJV, there's a slight variation on the third question: in verse 16, Elijah asks the king, "Is it because there is no God in Israel, to inquire of His word?"

And that, Tim said, is what the story is trying to teach us. That when we have something for which we want an answer, we are to inquire of His Word. Which for us, I think, means both reading His written Word and inquiring of the Living Word, Jesus, as well. I hadn't done that about my plans for this week. And how dangerously close I come some days to not doing that about my plans for my life. I settle in, expecting things to go according to my expectations, and when they aren't met, I am disappointed. How much better could this go if I really sought the Lord and inquired of His Word?

And so I turn and repent of not having asked, and thank Him for the lesson, and His patience in teaching it. And I begin this day anew with these words, prayed by the saints for ages past:

"In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation." (Psalm 5:3) I wait in expectation for what You have to say about this day and all it will hold.

And while I may not listen perfectly, I will be trying to listen. And the hope and anticipation for what might come of living this day His way rather than according to my plans fills my soul, and I can almost see it - just over there, around that corner - there is something incredibly good. I can hardly wait to see what it is...

another shameless plug

An old friend from my college days has just begun something along the lines of a weekly webcomic. If you're a fantasy-fiction fan, I'm betting you'll like it. :) Check it out: http://www.worldofshandor.com/.

Happy reading! :)

this straightly winding road

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

God is the Way-Maker, the Path-Straightener - it's who He is - but maybe for us the key to experiencing that is simply trusting Him. Maybe it's giving up what for me feels like such a natural desire to understand what's going on. I want "the plan." I want to know where we're going, and why, and how we're going to get there. I can be spontaneous (I say defensively) - I can...!

Sometimes I wonder just how long it's going to take me to get it that He's probably not going to fill me in on all that much, and that it's probably mostly because I will try to get where we're going by myself, and that isn't the point.

This is the learning curve my path is currently taking, and in case I wasn't getting it, my friend Rob penned these words this week:

[Jesus] says to us, “Give up your life—give up your plans, your desires, your ideas of how things should be—and I'll give you something better.”

Jesus doesn't call us to stay where and what we are because he's not much of one for staying in one place; he calls us to follow. He calls us to a journey, and a relationship, and like any journey and any meaningful relationship, that means change. It means leaving things behind, and getting new things in return.

And yes, that includes the things of which we say, “God couldn't possibly want me to give that up; he can't possibly mean that I'm not allowed to do that.” In fact, it especially includes those things, because those—whether sinful in and of themselves or not—are the things in our lives that most interfere with his lordship: they are our idols. They are the things which which we must give over to him if we're to follow him; clinging to them is nothing less than idolatry....

And yes, that includes our money, and our careers, and our other family relationships, and our gifts and talents and aspirations, and all the other things that matter to us. He calls us to surrender to him everything of significance in our lives, to do with as he will. This is not the price of his acceptance, but its consequence; it's what it means to be accepted by Jesus, because to be accepted by him is to be invited to go with him, to go where he's going and do what he's doing, instead of going where we want to go and doing what we want to do.

Change. I have such mixed emotions about that word. I love change - I need it. (Hence the ongoing home renovation project, which I hope to finish next week.) I go stir-crazy if I don't have enough of it. But at the same time, I don't like it. I like knowing the status quo. I don't like having it change up on me. It means learning a new set of rules, a new set of parameters. A new way of thinking about things. I wish I understood this paradox a little better. It's right up there and tied in with another major paradox in my life: this crazy wanderlust-filled need to travel paired with a deeply-seated need for home.

I don't know what to do with any of this right now. But it's today's chapter of my story. There is change on the horizon - change I am pretty sure is ultimately coming from the Lord. I am flailing a bit against it right now, trying to find my bearings in what I thought was familiar territory, but suddenly doesn't look quite like I thought it did...

But maybe there are some things I need to leave behind that I have held onto too tightly. Maybe there are new things He wants to give me in return for letting go of my "plan-o'-life."

Maybe this gift He wants to give me is actually a new map - a better one than the map I had last week - the one I was pretty sure I could read and follow without needing to stop for too many directions. And maybe - just maybe - the roads I thought were winding will turn out to be straighter than I thought.

There's only one way to find out.

the summer reading list

Sara over at Coffee Randoms posted her "seven quick takes" for the week about what she's been reading this summer. (You can learn a lot about a person by finding out what they're reading.) :) I thought I'd follow suit.

1. A Place Called Home - by Lori Wick

This book definitely falls into the "summer fluff" category, but what I love about Lori Wick is that her characters grow in their relationships with the Lord in ways that challenge me to do the same.

2. John G. Lake: The Complete Collection Of His Life's Teachings - compiled by Roberts Liardon

I haven't actually cracked this one open yet, but it's next on the reading list. It's a little intimidating - the only books I own that are longer than this one are my systematic theology textbook and an out-dated dictionary. Still, I am looking forward to digging in, hopefully later today.

3. The Transforming Power of Fasting and Prayer: Personal Accounts of Spiritual Renewal - by Bill Bright

This book has been incredibly encouraging. Most encouraging are the stories of people who didn't experience anything all that out-of-the-ordinary while fasting, but who saw their lives, churches, and ministries transformed afterwards in ways they saw linked to that season of prayer and fasting.

4. Kathryn Kuhlman: A Spiritual Biography of God's Miracle Worker - by Roberts Liardon

Kathryn Kuhlman is one of my favorite interesting people. She was one gutsy woman of God. And I was surprised, in reading this book, to learn some things I hadn't known about her, and to find that I am more like her than I would have thought. At the end of this book are a few excerpts from some of her radio broadcasts that made for excellent morning devotional reading.

5. Walking with God - by John Eldredge

Again. :) I read this book last summer and it literally changed my life, and re-reading it this summer with my small group, I am finding that it still has much to speak. If you read nothing else this year, I would highly recommend it.

6. You Matter More Than You Think - by Dr. Leslie Parrott

I've seen this book on a shelf at the bookstore off and on for over a year now, picked it up, read a page here and there, and put it back - but something told me it was finally time. This book spoke healing into my life that I didn't even know I needed.

7. In Constant Prayer - by Robert Benson

This is a very interesting book. It tackles the question: "what does it mean to pray without ceasing, and is it possible?" and suggests that it is, thru the ancient practice of the daily office (a pattern of prayer and worship offered at specific times of the day). I have been wrestling for a while now with the sneaking suspicion that there is more to prayer than I have yet experienced, and I am learning a lot - and trying not to be too weirded out by the fact that the picture of the author looks suspiciously like my 7th grade English teacher, Mr. Benson, whose first name escapes me, and about whom all I remember is that he really liked baseball, and that he once lived in a place in Brazil where cockroaches would come up through the shower drain.

So how about you? What are you reading this summer?

random ramblings, vol. 3

It's been a crazy few weeks - crazy, busy, relatively sleepless - but fun. Here are some highlights of things I've been up to while not blogging. :)

1) Torch Church is officially opening its doors on Sunday mornings starting this weekend! We're meeting in a movie theatre, which presents a myriad of opportunities for creativity. :) There have been a lot of emails and phone calls and meetings these past few weeks in preparation for tomorrow - and I am excited to see what God will do with our church in this new season of ministry.

2) It's summer, so of course we have been outside a lot. It's been strange weather these past few days - feels more like October than mid-July, but we'll take it. The heat wave is likely still coming. :)

3) Tonight I went to see my good friend Nicole in The Sound of Music. It was wonderful! Well-produced, well-done, amazing sets. It was really fun. And now I'm all misty-eyed and weepy. :P A good love story will do that to a girl. Especially when she's up this late, lol.

4) I've had some really great theological conversations this summer. Hoping to find time to write about some of them soon.

5) I've also been road-tripping a fair bit. Two trips up to Michigan, and one up to Indiana - all to see good friends. I think the currently reigning lol conversation of the month is still this snippet from my road trip to Indiana; I went to church with my friends, and when I noticed the wooden cross in the corner of the sanctuary, the conversation began something like this:

me: "Um, why is that cross covered in chicken-wire?"
my friend: (pauses, grins, thinks for a minute how to sum this up): "Well... that's an issue."

It was a great moment in conversational history. :)

6) I'm painting a lot these days. Redoing my apartment one bit at a time. I will try to find batteries for my camera and post pictures once it's done. I'm doing a couple of paintings to match the new color scheme, and painting bookshelves, reorganizing closets, etc. It's been incredibly good for the artist in me to have an outlet, and I'm looking forward to being done, but enjoying the process, too.

7) In the midst of reorganizing and repainting, I had misplace the tickets to the play tonight, so today, in an attempt to find them, I tackled the stack of junk mail. I began going thru my multiple baskets of junk mail over a year ago, and I am almost done!!! I have one basket left, and then everything will be filed or recycled. YAY! I know it's ridiculous, but you have no idea what a victory this is for me. I was amused, therefore, when the stack of junk mail I thought the tickets were in had been sorted and appropriately organized, to finally find the tickets on the couch. They weren't quite in plain sight - there was a magazine on top of them. But I'd left them out for safe-keeping. I'm glad I forgot that, tho - because now I feel really accomplished. ;)

a prayer for the broken-hearted

from Psalm 147:

Father, I pray that You would turn our hearts to praise, even as they break over so many things. Build us up and encourage us, Lord - even as You have already been doing. Your Word says that You heal the brokenhearted and bind up our wounds, and I pray You would do that - continue to do that - for us. Thank You for the ways that You speak to us, for the encouragement we feel as we spend time with You, realizing that You have known all along the way things would go and are with us in the midst of it.

You are great and mighty, Star-Counter, Star-Namer; Your understanding has no limit. Thank You for knowing how much we need to be humbled and graciously bringing us to brokenness and humility before You. You sustain us there, and we would rather be humbled and sustained by You than cast to the ground with the wicked.

Fill our hearts with joy and gratitude as we count the cost of following You, even in situations where it would be so much "easier" to just get mad and sulk. Rain-Maker, Grass-grower, Provider for all of creation - may we be people You delight in. Teach us the fear of the Lord, and to hope in Your unfailing love at all times. As we praise You in the midst of these storms, strengthen us, bless us, grant us peace, and satisfy us with the true Bread of Life. Jesus, You truly are more than enough for us.

By Your word, all that is exists. All seasons come by Your command. This season in our lives is here by ordination - and I pray, Lord, that we would learn all You would teach us here, and emerge the better for it. Reveal Your Word to us - may we be fascinated by You and You alone, Jesus. I praise You, Lord, for all that You have done, are doing, and have yet to do in us. Have Your way.

Amen.

home again, home again

Yesterday was about as close to a perfect day as any day can get. Good music, good weather, good friends, 7 hours in the car... :)

Highlights of the road trip:

* spending an hour or so on the beach at Lake Michigan, reading, napping, listening to the waves, just being (which was possibly the best part of the day altogether, tho I loved the rest of it too!)

* a great deal at a book store - 2 books and 5 cds for $40! :)

* catching up with 2 of my old roommates, whom I haven't seen in almost 2 years

* celebrating two years of birthdays and Christmases with Jeni in the middle of June (yay, presents!)

* dinner at The Curragh, a terrific Irish pub

* seeing Josh Schicker, an old friend from college, in concert (shameless plug: you should check out his stuff on ITunes - he's very talented)

* sunshine!!!! - which seems like a silly thing to celebrate, but it's been pouring rain for days, and it's cloudy again - so one whole day of sunshine was wonderful. :)

No matter where I go in this world, West Michigan will always be home. I'm not sure how to explain it or even why it's so - but the minute I cross the Michigan border, I just start to feel happier. (pun intended, lol) I smile for the last hour and a half of driving. Katie says I even walk differently when I'm home. Lighter. More free. And especially on the beach there - I just feel more like me than I do anywhere else. I'm not sure why that is, but thank You, Jesus, for the gift of one more day spent there. I needed that.

how to open a present

It's my friend's birthday, and she lives in Texas, so I hardly ever see her, but she was here today, and we had plans for lunch. So of course I got her a present. And a really pretty card. Which she liked. A lot. Like, so much, I was starting to wonder if she would ever open the present, lol. But she did. And I have to tell you - I already love giving people presents, but if everyone in the world opened presents the way this woman does, I would be flat broke because I would want to do nothing else but watch people open their gifts.

It was an eclectic, 4-part present, all from Ten Thousand Villages (which in and of itself is cool - i mean, come on, social justice and a present? how much better does it get?) - and when I said, somewhat apologetically as she opened the box, "it's kind of an eclectic present...", she said, "I would expect nothing less from you!" and that was a compliment. :) And then she proceeded to go through the box.

I probably could have gotten her anything under the sun, and she would have thought it ingenious. She took her time opening those gifts, and the delight with which she found each item in the box.... I'm not sure I've ever felt so treasured. To hear her talk and to see the look on her face as she read the tags explaining the background on some of the gifts and the explanations of fair trade marketing - to see the way she traced the stitches and read the labels - you would have thought every dream she'd ever had just came true. She loved it.

I thought, as I shopped, "well, she's very hospitable and she journals a lot, so..."

She thought: "someone who knows me well just got me the perfect present."



What if we opened God's gifts that way?

What if, instead of simply thanking Him out of habit for our food before dinner, we actually stopped and marveled at the way tomato plants grow? What if we rejoiced over the rising of the sun, and instead of shushing our kids, joined them in hysterical, uncontrollable laughter, in appreciation of humor and the freedom we have to laugh? What if we noticed, not that our shoes got wet as we crossed the lawn to get the paper, but that the dew fell and sparkled in the sunlight? What if we got distracted by the rainbows the sun makes on the ceiling over the kitchen table when it shines just so and refracts through the glass-topped coffee table in the next room?

What if the fact that we can breathe in and out suddenly floored us with an understanding of God's goodness and mercy?

What if the fact that we have clean water wasn't something we took so for granted?

What if a realization of God's incredible, precious, abundant grace suddenly broke over our souls the way waves break over the rocks on a shoreline? What if we suddenly realized (again) how desperately in need of that grace we are? And how blessed we are to know One who so freely gives it - at great cost to Himself?

And what if we really knew how to open a present? I think a lot more people would smile, don't you? :)

reflections on greatness

Maybe it was because I'd just read this passage that I caught it while watching Prince Caspian last weekend - the funny little contrast between Reepicheep's silly arrogance and his claim to "great humility." It's odd, isn't it - the minute you become aware of your humility, it really isn't humility anymore. And yet it's something that, as believers, we strive for, long for, hope for, ask for - humble hearts, no longer full of pride.

Last week, reading through 2 Samuel 7, I caught something I hadn't before. I knew this passage was about God telling David he wouldn't be allowed to build the temple, but that he would have an enduring legacy. But reading it this time, one of the phrases God used really struck me.

God reminds David, in a message relayed by Nathan the prophet, of the great things He has already done in his life, and then He says,"Now I will make your name great, like the names of the greatest men of the earth." (v. 8-9) Almost instinctively, I asked the Lord, "Why would you tell him that, God?" And almost immediately the answer came: "Because he could handle it."

And he could. David didn't go getting all full of himself - "I'm going to be one of the greatest men on the earth." He "went in and sat before the Lord." (v. 18) Can you picture that? The king of Israel slipping into the tent of the Lord and just... sitting.

And then he says, "who am I?" and "Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord?" (v.18-19)

Can you hear the humility? He's not jumping around, shouting it from the rooftops. David is remembering the deeds of the Lord (Psalm 77:11-12), and it draws him to worship. He could have fallen prey to some feeling of "entitlement"- after all, God had promised him he'd be king, and now he was, so it was all just justice now, right? and hey, look at all that time I spent hiding in caves - I should hope I'd get some sort of reward for that, and... No. I doubt that line of thinking ever crossed his mind. David loved the Lord, and the fulfillment of His promises led him not to self-righteous, arrogant pride but to worship.

David worships the Lord for His goodness to him and to His people, and then he accepts God's new promise. "And now, Lord God, keep forever the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house. Do as you promised, so that Your Name will be great forever." (v. 25-26)

In other words, "I'm okay with You making my name great, because it will make Your Name great when You do it."

I want that kind of perspective. I want to want God's promises over my life to be fulfilled not just because they're great (which they are) but because His Name will be made great in my life as I walk into the fulfillment of the destiny He's planned for me. It isn't about me. It's about Him. (says the woman indulging her narcissistic tendencies by blogging and hoping someone will read it.) :P

But it is, really. At least, I want it to be. I want the very fact that I live the life I choose to live - going the places He calls me when He calls me to go, doing the things He wants me to do when He wants me to do them - to point to Him, to His glory, to the greatness of His renown. Something we often pray before band practice is that God will help us to be excellent and to play well together not so everyone will think we're so great but so that we can't possibly be a distraction to anyone by our mistakes and fumbles onstage. We don't want to hit wrong chords or walk into the screens suspended from the ceiling on either side of the stage (not that this ever happens, lol) - not because we want to look/sound polished, but because when we do, people are free to not notice us at all. The music we play, the lyrics we sing, point to something greater - become something greater - than we could ever be on our own, and it gives Him glory when that happens. And I think the same sort of principle can hold true in our individual lives. We can become excellent at the things we do for the wrong reasons, and get all arrogant about it - but there are right reasons to pursue excellence, whether that's excellence at a skill or a job or producing the fruit of the Spirit in our lives or walking in His specific will for our lives, etc. - and the best reason is to give Him glory.

And it's interesting how it's often when you don't notice you're doing it that you are.

If I'm going to be "great" - I want to be great the way David was. If I am remembered for anything, I want to be remembered for the way I walked with the Lord, and the way my life pointed to Him and gave Him glory. And I guess what really struck me reading this conversation between David, Nathan, and the Lord is that you don't have to be oblivious to the gi-normity of God's call on your life (tho to put it in persective a bit, the fact that God calls any of us to anything is pretty gi-normous, right?) - you just need to recognize that it isn't about you going anywhere or doing anything - it's about God being given the glory that was His all along - it's about living your life in a way that inspires others to worship.

Maybe it's just because I'm worship person, but I think that's just cool.

Hapicheep

A few weeks ago after minichurch, Jake and I got into a swordfight. (Granted, they were styrofoam swords with plastic handles, but still...) I'm not sure which was more satisfying - the look on his face when he realized that I was actually going to fight back, or the fact that I won. (I had a broken sword by the end, but I was still standing.) :)

Rob, one of the guys in our minichurch, took a video of the swordfight on his cellphone. There is a great moment in the video where he was filming over Jake's shoulder, and all you can see of me is a continuous blur of styrofoam sword. "I look like Reepicheep," I observed, while watching the playback after church on Monday with someone who hadn't yet seen the incriminating evidence that yes, on occasion, I really am that randomly feisty.

Our small group has now taken to calling me Hapicheep.

*expletive deleted*

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.

- Ephesians 5:1-4

This is actually a post about expletives, and it does actually have a few in it, so if you think it's possible you might be offended, please feel free to skip the rest of it. :)

I read those verses not too long ago, and the bit about not using obscenities or coarse joking sort of stuck with me. I have a few guy friends who tell some pretty bad jokes. They're funny - but they're in bad taste. Ok... now that I'm thinking about it, some of them are funny, but mostly they're in bad taste. And me? I tend to swear a little bit when I'm really frustrated, and it's starting to bug me. I'll use foreign swear words sometimes - "bugger" was my favorite for awhile - but words like that don't mean the same thing in the States as they do elsewhere, and so it doesn't really feel like swearing, tho I'm sure a proper English grandmother would be horrified. But recently I find the word "sh**" coming out a lot more often - when I'm late, when I make a mistake, when I drop something on my toe... and it's bothering me.

"Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks," right? So where is this coming from? I'm not sure, but I am trying to delete those expletives from my vocabulary, with varying degrees of success - and if I feel the need to verbalize something, I'm trying to consciously at least say "Chitaqua" or "sassafras" instead of *expletive deleted* (which actually kind of makes me laugh...)

So as I've been thinking this through, and trying to discipline my tongue a little more, a friend of mine posted a link to a great xkcd cartoon. I've needed this reminder from the Lord, that obscenities simply aren't to be part of my normative speech patterns; I need to be more intentional about what I do and don't say, and I will keep working on it. But this cartoon reminded me of the extreme value that a well-placed expletive can have. I mean, even Paul swore once, to make a point:

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

- Philippians 3:7-9

(I hear the Greek word for ... um, rubbish... isn't exactly translated correctly as rubbish. I think it's actually supposed to be ... sassafras, lol.)

So here is a classic reminder from Randall Munroe that sometimes a well-placed expletive really does say it all:

http://xkcd.com/137/

The true irony is that I needed to hear that too.... :)

fueling up for a long drive somewhere

I had the weirdest dream just before I woke up this morning. It was winter, and I lived in this big house with a courtyard, and it had snowed. My car was parked in this courtyard. I was all angsty with whomever else it was who lived in the house (the details leading up to this point are vague in my memory), and it was early morning. I left to go get breakfast at a restaurant nearby, and discovered my car was running on close to empty, but fortunately there was a gas station next door to the restaurant. Which, by the way, had big glass windows - everyone in the restaurant could see the happenings in the gas station parking lot.

So I get to the gas station, and I'm all out of sorts and tired and crabby, and I have trouble getting into a spot by a pump, and my car is still covered in snow. I get out of my car to pump gas, and suddenly I'm not sure about anything. Is this my car or someone else's? Which side is the gas tank on again? I dig thru the snow on the side of my car and find a cap that looks right, assume this is where the gas goes, swipe my card at the pump and start pumping gas. Only to realize a few minutes later, as I'm blinking blearily at my car, that this isn't right. I'm pumping gas into what I thought was the gas tank, but isn't - I'm at the front of my car, about a foot in front of the side mirror. I stop in embarrasment, hoping no one has noticed, and move toward the back of the car. Ah, here we go. I pop open the cap and start pumping gas again. It soon spills over, and I look in horror - I'm still not pumping gas into the right tank in my car! This one is just in front of the side mirror. What?! Finally I get to where my gas tank really is, and I can hear the gas sloshing into the empty tank. I am mortified - and by now, people are watching. I feel like the whole restaurant is watching, and certainly the other people at the pumps have noticed by now, and an attendant has come out of the gas station to see if he can help.

I explain the situation, in complete embarrassment, but am far more comfortable asking this kind stranger who might know the answers than I am about the prospect of going home and telling my mechanic what I've done. My biggest fear is that I've totally messed up the car - that putting gasoline in the wrong places will make it stop running, or worse, explode.

The attendant waits for me to finish pumping gas, and walks me thru what I've done. This first cap, he says, delivers fluid directly to the engine. A passerby jokes that hey, at least I was trying to be efficient - too bad it doesn't work that way. It won't hurt the car, says the attendant - it'll burn off really fast as I drive, and no, the car will not explode. This next cap, he explains (and keep in mind, all three really do look the same) is where all sorts of fluids are delivered to the engine -antifreeze, water, etc. This isn't the greatest place to put gas either - it'll mix with the other fluids and make them less productive, but the car will still work - just not as efficiently. I might want to talk to my mechanic about draining this tank and refilling all the compartments with the proper, undiluted-by-gasoline fluids - but I'll be okay to drive home and to the mechanic's at least. And he knows I'm embarrassed, but I really do need to tell the mechanic what happened and get my car cleaned out a bit so it will run more effectively.

This third cap, he says, is where gas really should go, and good job on finding it. Gas needs to be processed thru the established distribution system in my car to work the most efficiently. So long term, no damage, but my car will need some minor work to get in good shape again, and here, by the way, is the bill. It is expensive. This entire endeavor was way more costly than it needed to be...

It seems to me that God was trying to say something thru this dream, even if it was simply that I am trying to fuel myself, not with the wrong things, but maybe in the wrong ways, and that what I really need is to do it His way... but I'm wondering if any of you have any insights?

south pickerel

You know that whole visual identification thing you have to do sometimes to write comments on a blog or send an attachment to someone? The one I had tonight was "South pickerel."

It made me grin. :) And now I totally want to ride a steamboat down the Mississippi and have a pickle, and fish and chips...

random ramblings, vol. 2

Hello, blogosphere! So much I want to write about, so little time to actually do it this week...

1) This is actually not due to the "normally" busy schedule I tend to keep. This week has its own particular brand of insanity, as it is the week before Sacred Space. Sacred Space, for lack of a better explanation, is a multi-station, interactive worship event, and one of my favoritest things ever. Pictures to come, post-event - they will explain much better than I ever could.

2) I've been thinking a lot about persevering prayer lately. I have always loved the image in Revelation (I forget the reference, but I will try to look it up later) about how the prayers of the saints are like incense that fills up a censer in heaven, and when it is full, it tips, and the answer comes pouring down to earth. I poured a lot of incense into a particular censer last year, and I remember the day it just felt finished... but lately, I've been feeling like I need to pour in a little bit more - like the censer wasn't quite full, but maybe I needed a rest, or someone else was taking a turn, and now it's my turn again. Not quite sure what to make of it, but I'm re-reading Dutch Sheets' book, Intercessory Prayer, and it's helping to shape my prayers a little more boldly.

3) I really love a lot of the music from a band called Carbon Leaf, and I just found out today that they have a new album coming out. This makes me randomly very happy.

4) I am also very happy because the SUN is out today. Yay, sun! :)

5) I am without vehicle for the week, and I have to say - I am actually finding it somewhat freeing. I can't go anywhere that I can't walk or bike to, unless I hitch a ride, and I'm okay with that. Now granted, this is probably because I'm getting my car back on Saturday, and I planned ahead and went grocery shopping last weekend, but still. It's kind of nice - not being able to make commitments to go places and do things, I'm not making them. So in the midst of a really busy week, I have 15 minutes to sit down and blog, and more time to rest than I otherwise might have had, because I'll be home in the evenings instead of running around town. This was good timing!

random ramblings, vol. 1

Jen at Conversion Diary hosts what she calls "seven quick takes" every Friday - basically a mass syncroblog for everyone to say seven random things, maybe about things going on in their lives, maybe not. :) I know a couple of people who periodically participate, and I enjoy reading Jen's blog, but I've not jumped on the bandwagon yet. I've thought about it, but I'm not sure I have seven things to say, and I'm pretty sure Fridays won't be a routine blogging day, especially once I start working summer hours and have more time to bike as the days get longer - and there's nothing like jumping for a bandwagon and missing it, landing flat on your face in the dust kicked up by the departing wagon.

So - in an effort to not be quite such an absentee blogger, and to keep you updated on not necessarily always the main events in my life, but at least some of them - Random Ramblings, vol. 1. The number of random items will be random from volume to volume and the distance between volumes will be random as well, but at least I'll be rambling along about something, and who knows what might end up having a point? Velociraptor Awareness Day seems to have had one... :)

1) Today is Kentucky Derby Day. So despite the beautiful weather, I am home, blogging and watching the pre-race coverage. Yep, for six weeks every year I am almost a horse-racing fan. ;) It's my mom's fault, introducing me to the Black Stallion books one summer. We've watched the race almost every year that I can remember, and I still do, even though I'm far from home. I only watch the Triple Crown races, generally, but it's fun, and someday, I would really love to go to Kentucky and watch the Derby live. Just to say I did.

2) I really want a Hot Buttered Rum from J.P.'s. sigh. It's one of the best lattes ever. Hopefully I will be able to go home in June and get one. I have had coffee in 5 other countries, including Austria, and I still think J.P.'s is the best. Tho I will grant you that Vienna has good coffee, and I will not complain about going back there someday. :)

3) I am really excited about June in general, mostly because for the first time ever I am actually taking my team to the Willow Creek Arts Conference. My pastor's coming too, and I think it's going to be invaluable team-bonding and resource-finding time. (Cathy, if you're coming this year we totally have to have dinner!) :)

4) At some point this year I will be taking another road trip with Jesus. I have seven days of vacation left, so if I plan it right around a weekend, I could have a 9-day break, which would be awesome. The question is, where to go, and when? :) I should probably decide soon. Suggestions, anyone? :)

5) I'm also itching to go on another missions trip soon. South Africa would be cool... and wow. I'm starting to see a theme in all this randomness... apparently I am really itching to get out of here. lol. :) That's actually not all that surprising, actually. For most of my life post-college, one of three things has changed about every 12-18 months: my job, my home, or my church. Not sure why - I've always felt pretty led towards those changes, and it's just the way it's been. So after about 18 months of anything I start to get a little antsy. I've been here for three and a half years now, and sure, there have been changes ministry-wise in that time, and church-planting is no small thing, but it's all been such a natural, organic sort of change - it's not like I picked up and changed denominations or something... So no wonder I'm getting antsy... And yet, in spite of the wanderlust kicking up in my soul, I still feel like His word on the subject is stay. So I'm staying...

but I'm looking forward to those road trips, too. ;)

why i love my minichurch*: reason 210

tonight we played apples to apples between dinner and pie.

The adjective: sexy.
The winning noun?

Gollum.




I do not think I have laughed that hard in months....



*minichurch - one of the many names our church has gone thru in an attempt to make small groups sound cool. but really, it's a small group. and ours is fun. we have swords.

daleth: freedom

I am laid low in the dust;

preserve my life according to Your word.

I recounted my ways and you answered me;

teach me Your decrees.

Let me understand the teaching of Your precepts;

then I will meditate on Your wonders.

My soul is weary with sorrow;

strengthen me according to Your word.

Keep me from deceitful ways;

be gracious to me through Your law.

I have chosen the way of truth;

I have set my heart on Your laws.

I hold fast to Your statutes, O LORD,

do not let me be put to shame.

I run in the path of Your commands,

for You have set my heart free.

- Psalm 119: 25-32

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free."

I've been thinking about this on and off for weeks now.

"Command" can sound like such a negative word to us - restrictive, a "you have to do this or else" sort of a thing. We don't associate it with freedom easily.

But I heard Alistair Begg say once that as we grow in our relationship with Jesus over time, and become more and more like Him, the "thou shalt nots" of the law become "thou shall nots." The transformative power of the Holy Spirit at work within us leads us to a place where we wouldn't even think of doing the things we are told not to do; we just shall not do them anymore, because it isn't who we are, and we simply wouldn't.

I like that. I am grateful for it. And I think, in truth, it really does set us free...

In those seasons when we feel, like the psalmist, that we are "laid low in the dust" (read: we've fallen flat on our faces for one reason or another and it feels like we can hardly breathe) or when we're "weary with sorrow" - there is still hope. Because we love and serve a God who will not let us be put to shame, a God who is aware of and at work in every circumstance of our lives, a God who is in the process of transforming us into the image of His Son. And whether it's our own sin or someone else's, or just the fallen nature of this world (or some combination thereof) that's landed us face down in the dirt or made us sad - because of Christ's death and resurrection, there really will be a day when we shall not do anything we should not.

Thank You, Jesus, for amazing grace and mercy.

the merits of oblivion

Courtesy of Sara, in the comments section of the previous post, I've learned something invaluable this week: awareness might just get you nowhere. (Like when you're hiking in North Dakota and you see a sign warning you about how dangerous bison are and you think, gee, wouldn't it be cool to see a bison up close? and then you do... or when you're part of a national campaign to warn people about velociraptors and then you find yourself taking a quiz to find out how likely you are to survive... and realize you probably wouldn't...)

Fortunately, the likelihood that anyone could get a velociraptor to hold still long enough to chain it to a bunk bed is fairly small.

I could survive for 41 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

You know, there's something to be said for being oblivious...

Velociraptor Awareness Day

As some of you may know, today is Velociraptor Awareness Day. Over 256,000 people are participating in this long-overdue campaign to safeguard the world against velociraptors. (I kid you not - "I saw it on Facebook, so it must be true!") Laugh if you will, but I'm telling you - those dinosaurs are dangerous. (Anyone who has seen Jurassic Park knows this.)

I repeat: Velociraptors are dangerous. They will eat you. So if you see one, run. Really fast. For any hope of escape, a routine exercise program is (of course) essential, but taking math classes can also help you with this. Randall Munroe at xkcd explains how:



http://xkcd.com/135/

(Any suspicions that Velociraptor Awareness Day has been fully funded by the people who write word problems for math tests are completely unfounded.)

For a semi-related bit of fun and also some serious theological discussion, please see also: Jon Birch, on The Velocirapture.

*insert amused grin here*

this just made me happy. :)

alleluia!!! - call and response

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.

This is the day the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed.

So much of my life has been shaped by these calls and responses, in ways I am still learning to see. I believe these things to the depths of my soul: God is good, and His love endures forever. He created today, and I am to rejoice and be glad in it. Christ is risen, and that matters. In fact, it changes everything. Regardless of what goes on around me, regardless of what happens in this world, regardless of what we see - these things are true - and it makes all the difference.

I love Easter Sunday. The hope that it brings. The reassurance that "all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well." (- Julian of Norwich)

Why? I think Charles Wesley said it best:

Christ the Lord is Risen Today

Christ, the Lord, is risen today, Alleluia!
Sons of men and angels say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, ye heavens, and earth, reply, Alleluia!

Love’s redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the battle won, Alleluia!
Lo! the Sun’s eclipse is over, Alleluia!
Lo! He sets in blood no more, Alleluia!

Vain the stone, the watch, the seal, Alleluia!
Christ hath burst the gates of hell, Alleluia!
Death in vain forbids His rise, Alleluia!
Christ hath opened paradise, Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
Once He died our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where thy victory, O grave? Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ hath led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!
Made like Him, like Him we rise, Alleluia!
Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, Alleluia!

Hail, the Lord of earth and Heaven, Alleluia!
Praise to Thee by both be given, Alleluia!
Thee we greet triumphant now, Alleluia!
Hail, the resurrection, thou, Alleluia!

King of glory, Soul of bliss, Alleluia!
Everlasting life is this, Alleluia!
Thee to know, Thy power to prove, Alleluia!
Thus to sing and thus to love, Alleluia!

Hymns of praise then let us sing, Alleluia!
Unto Christ, our heavenly King, Alleluia!
Who endured the cross and grave, Alleluia!
Sinners to redeem and save. Alleluia!

But the pains that He endured, Alleluia!
Our salvation have procured, Alleluia!
Now above the sky He’s King, Alleluia!
Where the angels ever sing. Alleluia!

Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia!
Our triumphant holy day, Alleluia!
Who did once upon the cross, Alleluia!
Suffer to redeem our loss. Alleluia!

- Charles Wesley, c. Public Domain

"Fought the fight, the battle won." Alleluia.

riding the wind

One early morning last week I was sitting in my favorite rocking chair, doing morning devotions and enjoying the quiet, when I was distracted by unexpected motion across the room. One helium-filled orange balloon was bobbing quietly by the couch, its string tucked under a pillow, anchoring it securely. The furnace had just kicked on, and the warm air currents coming from the vent on the floor met the cooler air currents from the ceiling fan, impacting the balloon.

I watched it for a bit, bobbing about here and there, in some seemingly random pattern, knowing that its motion was influenced by things I couldn't see - and it struck me, then, that in so many ways that balloon was a simple word picture that spoke to how I should live my life. It was anchored securely. It wasn't going anywhere it oughtn't to go (like up to the ceiling to encounter the fan, for instance). But it was free to be quietly itself, and to move as it was directed by the air currents around it.

Jesus said, "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8) We can't see the wind, but we can see its effects. Hear the leaves rustling in the trees. Watch the balloon sailing "haphazardly" (but not really) through the sky on a blustery day. The wind does come from somewhere and it is going somewhere, but all we can see are its effects.

I find this somewhat comforting, in seasons like this, when I feel like I'm not really sure where I'm coming from or where I'm going, yet I see the effects of God's Spirit at work within me. I will find out where I'm going when I get there. In the meantime, anchored tightly to Him, I can simply rest, and let the wind of His Spirit direct me moment by moment. All I need to do is ride the wind.

Which, when I'm not worrying so much about where I've been or where I'm going, is actually pretty fun. :)

Abigail: a story of one woman's wisdom

The daughters of Zelophehad, who dared to approach Moses and ask for an inheritance of their own. (Numbers 26)

Jephthah's daughter, who died as a result of her father's rashness. (Judges 11)

The widow of Zarephath, who fed Elijah through years of famine and was blessed for her faithfulness. (1 Kings 17)

The Canaanite woman who begged Jesus to heal her daughter. (Matthew 15)

The desperate woman who broke a dozen social and religious laws to push through the crowds and touch the hem of Jesus' robe. (Mark 5)

Scripture is packed with the stories of brave women who rose up to become legendary heroines, women with whom God was so pleased that He made sure their stories were preserved, women whose faith and courage drove them to action.

Abigail was one such woman, and I invite you to journey with me into her story. This is fictional, of course - just the way I imagine it. Unresearched midrash, if you like. But her story is worth dreaming about. (For the full and historically accurate account, please read 1 Samuel 25.)


The sun was hot that day. The sun was usually hot in the desert of Maon, but somehow it felt different today, searing. There was something strange in the air today...a sense of foreboding. Nonsense, thought Abigail. How can the air be foreboding? She lifted a hand and brushed a damp strand of hair away from her face as she rested a moment in the shade of her tent. The baking was done for the day; they had worked hard. Oh, she didn't need to work - her husband had plenty of servants. But Abigail liked the work. It made her feel useful.

Abigail shaded her eyes with her hand as she scanned the horizon. A small figure emerged from a cloud of dust - a messenger perhaps? Her husband, Nabal, was out with the herd - it was shearing season, and their hours were long. Perhaps they needed food, or drink. Dinner preparations were already under way for the dozens of hungry shepherds and shearers who would come trudging home at sundown, weary from their work. Nabal was not likely to share much of the final profit with his workers, but it was tradition to feast and celebrate during shearing times, and Abigail made sure they were as well-fed and cared for as she could. There was not much Nabal could do once the sheep had been dressed - they would need to be eaten. And he did care for his reputation amongst his neighbors... so his workers ate well. And Abigail made sure Nabal's wine glass was constantly full. Nabal was mean when he wasn't drunk.

The small figure on the horizon turned out to be one of the shepherds, a boy whom Abigail knew by name. His mother worked in the kitchen tent, and spoke highly of her son.

"My lady, may I speak with you?" he asked, eyes lowered in respect.

"Of course, Joshua," replied Abigail. "What is it? You have come with much haste."

"My lady... there is... a situation. And we are worried... You have heard of David and his mighty men?"

"Yes, Joshua, I have heard of him... He is the stuff of legend, so men say. Some say he will even be king someday. Is he coming this way?"

"Yes, my lady, he is. In fact, he is already here. He sent messengers this morning to greet our master, but our master has hurled insults at him. David's men have always been good to us; they have never stolen anything, and when we have herded near them, they have protected us. But they have come to us in peace on a day of feasting to ask for our hospitality, and our master has insulted them, and now David and 400 men are coming to attack us. We will all be killed! Please think, isn't there anything you can do? Disaster is hanging over our master and all his household, and he is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him."

Abigail sat quietly for a moment. "He is such a wicked man." "No one can talk to him." The words echoed in her head. No, no one could talk to Nabal, and her presence would not be welcome while he was working. No, talking would not help. He was too proud, too arrogant... he would never retract what he'd said. The damage was done. If only there were some way to reverse it, to offer hospitality in spite of what he'd said... hospitality. It had to work. It had to...

"Joshua, run. Run and get your mother, and then run, and find out where David is. We will intercept him. Run."

Abigail lost no time. She and her servants packed up much of the food they had ready. Soon the donkeys were loaded with enough for a small feast. It's a good thing we had so much already, thought Abigail, as she looked at the mountain of food. Two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, 5 seahs of roasted grain, a hundred raisin cakes, two hundred fig cakes. It was all they could spare on such short notice without Nabal noticing, but it would be enough. It would have to be enough. Please, let it be enough, she prayed silently.

"Go on ahead," she told her servants. "I will follow shortly."

She returned to her tent, and bathed quickly. Baths were a luxury in this desert climate, but Abigail was taking no chances. She was beautiful and intelligent, and she would need both of those assets today. She would look her best for this future king. She would go to him as if he were already king.

Abigail rode into the mountain ravine on her donkey, and took a deep breath when she saw the army. 400 men were coming down the path into the ravine, with a strong and handsome man who could only be David at their head. He looked extremely irritated. Abigail knew that look. It never boded well when Nabal looked like that.

"For our people," she whispered to herself as she rode up to the army. "I can not let his foolishness kill us all, not without trying to stop it."

David called a halt, and the army waited quietly as the young woman rode up. "Her name is Abigail, sir," said one of the scouts. "Nabal's wife. I do not think he knew she was coming."

Abigail was so nervous she could not look at anyone. She climbed off the donkey, and bowed low with her face to the ground before David - and so missed the look of astonishment that passed over his face.

"My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. May my lord pay no attention to that wicked man, Nabal. he is just like his name - his name is Fool, and folly goes before him. But as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my master sent this morning."

"I am listening," said David.

Abigail launched into her speech, still sitting at his feet, choosing her words carefully, reminding David of the promises God had made to him, and the blessings that God would bestow on him, suggesting that bloodshed in this case was unnecessary, that Nabal's foolishness was simply that - foolishness, and offering him food and drink for his men. "You don't need the burden of remembering how you killed my servants in anger," she finished quietly. "Vengeance is not worth that price. God will bring you success, and when He does... remember me. Please."

She sat there for a minute, wondering what would happen next. She still couldn't look at him. Wasn't sure if she should. Hoped he had heard, and understood, and would be as kind as she'd heard he could be. Thought of Joshua, of her servants. Felt a tear slide down her cheek.

David crouched down beside the woman at his feet, and lifted her chin with one hand. He wiped the tear away with the other. His own eyes were filled with tears. Abigail had not expected that.

"Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me," he said finally. "May you be blessed for your good judgment, and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands..." Vengeance belongs to the Lord, he reminded himself silently. God will vindicate me. "I would have killed all of them in anger - and I would have regretted it. Thank you for stepping in and putting a stop to it. I will accept your hospitality."

David helped Abigail to her feet, and set her back on her donkey. "Go in peace," he told her quietly. "I have heard your words and granted your request." He smiled kindly into her eyes, and sent her on her way, unaware that he'd just acted like the king she already believed he was.

When Abigail returned home, the banquet had already begun, and Nabal was in high spirits. "There she is, my lovely bride," he slurred. "Where have you been? Well, no matter, you are here now..." It was all she could do to force herself to smile, as she watched the feasting and the dancing and Nabal becoming more and more drunk. It was almost a relief when he finally passed out, except he was heavy and was sitting on her dress. It was unfair. David was out in a ravine with a modest meal while here Nabal was feasting like a king. It was not right. But they were alive. And someday... someday, David would be king. He would be a good king. She was sure of it.

When Nabal woke up, she told him everything. Abigail was never sure whether it was the excessive amounts of alcohol in his system or the shock of realizing how close to death he'd come that did it - maybe it was both - but Nabal had a heart attack that morning. Ten days later he was dead. And though they mourned as was right and fitting, no one was really all that sad.

David heard of it, up in the mountains. "Praise be to the Lord, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal's wrongdoing down on his own head," he said. He thought again, for the hundredth time, of the beautiful woman who had risked her life to protect them all, and wondered.

Later, when the time of mourning was over, he sent for Abigail, hoping she would become his wife.

and she said yes.


This post is part of the International Women's Day Synchroblog, hosted by Julie Clawson at onehandclapping. For a complete list of other participating posts, please click here.

home sweet home

I've always had this vague sense of homesickness... At times it gets place-specific: West Michigan, San Diego, New England...and yes, even Africa, tho I've yet to get there. At other times it gets situation-specific - wishing for an actual house of my own, wanting to rearrange my furniture or paint the walls a different color, dreaming about having a family someday. But most of the time it's just sort of vaguely there. I'm homesick. For something. I don't really know what. For heaven, definitely... but for something between now and then, too - something between eternal life as I know it today and eternal life as I'll know it on the other side of death.

I found out yesterday that this might actually be normal.

I'm in this book-study group called Joshua's Army with my church - once a month we read a book and get together and have dinner and talk about the book. The goal of the course is to, as our pastor puts it, graduate us with the right tools in our toolbox to build a solid, God-honoring life and to lead our community well. So to that end, we're reading everything from books on leadership to intercessory prayer to relationships. This month's book for the girls is "Finding Your Purpose as a Mom: How to Build Your Home on Holy Ground" by Donna Otto. I'm not sure I would have ever picked it up. But it's got some good stuff in it, even for those of us who aren't moms. In the chapter I've just finished, she writes about how having a vision for what your home could look like helps you to make the smaller daily decisions that will lead you to it, much the way having a picture to refer to on the front of the puzzle box helps you put a puzzle together, and how each of us will find that we do actually have a vision for what we'd like our home to look like, whether we've thought much about it or not, because God has built an "essential homesickness into every human soul." (p. 36)

You have no idea how relieved I was to hear that. I'm supposed to be homesick.

Ultimately I think that "essential homesickness" she speaks of is really just a deep longing for things to be the way they were always meant to be. Walking with God in the cool of the evening in the Garden He made for us - in the Paradise of God. And we've never known that, actually, tho if we do walk with God we've caught glimpses here and there, and we do have a sense, deep down, that we'll know it when we see it, and it'll be perfect. "It's not supposed to be like this." An old friend and mentor said that when he was preaching once on the way sin wrecks our lives and our need for mercy, and I can still hear him say it... and there are moments in life when that phrase so definitely applies - and we know it's not supposed to be like this because we know it was supposed to be different. Better. Right. And whatever just happened wasn't right. But if we were home... if we could only get home... it would be okay again.

And that's life. Journeying home. Thank God for the journey, and all we learn on it, but, oh, Jesus - thank You that we're on the way to Home... to You. And that You walk with us every step of the way.

It's a strange thing this longing for home I have, tho - because while I've always had it, I've also always had this restless wanderlust - a need to travel, a need to go places and do things and have adventures... as long as I could come back... to somewhere, someone, something I could call home... I've written about it before - in April of 2007 to be exact. And it was funny, re-reading that post - there are parts of it that are still true and parts of it that aren't. I still want to go see the world and write about it... maybe I should go be a travel journalist or something... but that American dream? 2.5 kids and the white picket fence? Not so much anymore...

And that's not something I ever thought I would say.

I've always wanted that. That was my big career ambition. Get married, settle down, have a family, be happy. And then, a couple of years ago, I started coming to terms with my inner Donna Reed, and started to dare to believe that God might actually have something in addition to that for me. But now... I just don't know. It hit me yesterday that even if I got married next year, and had kids straight off (which is SO not likely to happen), I would be 40 when my oldest was in kindergarten. I'd be in my 60s when they started graduating from college... That's not what I wanted. That wasn't the dream....

So maybe it's time for a new dream...? I'm not sure. There's a part of me that doesn't want to let it go at all. That still wants to hope for "happily-ever-after" - or at least the real-life version of it that comes with people being human. But part of me says, "Hap, maybe it's time to just let it go. Go see the world. Do something with your life."

And I am, actually. Being a part of this church plant is incredibly exciting, and I feel like, at least for now, God's said to put down roots here. That these next few years will be incredible and fruitful, and foundational to something else. But that someday, that train I dreamed about last June will pull out of the station, and I will know that it's time to jump off, and who knows what's waiting at that end of that trail? Destiny? Maybe. Tho I think I'm already living into that here. I don't know. All I know is I'm incredibly homesick this morning...and I wish I knew what I was homesick for...

it's not about the flowers

Happy Valentine's Day!

Depending on ... well, any number of factors, really - reading that probably elicited any number of responses. Wry grins. Political rants about greeting card holidays. Warm fuzzies. You name the emotion - somebody probably felt it. Joy. Sorrow. Rage...

Valentine's Day is a weird holiday, at least here in the States. Overpriced chocolate and flowers that cost twice as much this week as they do the entire rest of the year. Silly decorations. Teddy bears. (really? whose idea was that?) Sugared-up kids on holiday. It's craziness, I tell you.

Nevertheless, I still grinned when I got the fancy-shmancy e-card from my dad today. Fairies flying about, decorating a magical world. Pretty music. Made me feel like a kid again for a couple of minutes. Like maybe magic - miracles - really can happen. It reminded me of Valentine's Day when I was a kid, and coming down to breakfast to find a box of candy - just for me - and a card from my dad, telling me I was loved. Special. Worth something.

The holiday can stink for single adults. So much romance shoved down our throats - the implication that because we don't have that, we've somehow abysmally failed as functional people... but it's all a LIE, people. We haven't failed. And Valentine's Day is a commercial crock.

But do you know why it sells?

It sells because we all want to know that we're special. That someone loves us. That we are worth loving.

So I have good news for you. You are special. You are loved. And you are worth loving - because you are created in the image of an incredibly creative God, who knew you before you were born, and who has an amazing plan for your life - a plan far greater than you've probably dared to dream yet.

So rejoice in that, this Valentine's Day - whether you have someone "special" or not. Because Someone incredibly special has you, in the palm of His hand. And He loves you, very much. (and if you heard that in your head in the voice of a certain talking tomato... well. it's true.) :)

Thank you to Kathryn, at Good In Parts, for an excellent post on love this week. And to Jake, who posted this last year.

And to all of you who so faithfully read these frequently random glimpses into my head - Happy Valentine's Day, and may you know God's love for you.

Grace and peace,
Happy

oh, and p.s. -- since I'm working on being more transparent this year, I'll confess it. I have a dozen roses on my corner table. But I bought them myself. They were on sale at the grocery store, and I like roses... :)

25 Things

okay, i give in. i'm a lemming. at least today. mostly because there is cleaning to be done and i don't feel like doing it.

25 random things about me:

1. I find it odd that this meme has jumped from 6 things to 25 things in just one year, but i suppose inflation is rather a ubiquitous sort of thing.

2. I really like the word ubiquitous.

3. Sara Bareilles has a song called "One Sweet Love" that I think is pretty much number one on my playlist right now.

4. When I eat neopolitan icecream (which just bothers me to begin with because you should not mix flavors like that!), I eat the strawberry first to get it out of the way, then the vanilla, and then the chocolate, because the chocolate is the best part, and should always be saved for last.

5. I really love both of my jobs - the one I get paid for and the one I don't.

6. I have friends in Australia that I've never met.

7. One of the first times that I ever really began to understand that God loved me was in a car in a church parking lot, listening to a song called "Before You Call." Which I can still sing to you in its entirety. (Thank you, Mike.)

8. One of my favorite books as a kid was this little pink three-inch by one-inch fold-out hymn book with the words and music to "Tell Me The Story of Jesus." I bet it made God grin, knowing everything He knew. :)

9. I've written exactly one worship song that I think is worth copyrighting. And two years later I still like it, so next year, I might actually get around to figuring out how you do that...

10. Random fact from my belief system: ice cream is a food-group.

11. I am really looking forward to summer coming around again so I can hit the trails with my bike again. When I was biking 40-50 miles a week, I didn't have to pay nearly so much attention to how much ice cream I was eating, lol.

12. My favorite coffee mug is blue, with blue and green stripes. They are very calming colors, and the mug is just the right size to wrap your hands around and feel all cozy. And it was a gift from good friends, which makes it even better. Come to think of it, they have very good taste in coffee cups - I have another one they gave me that's red and is like reverse-bubble-wrap...

13. I think the word chutzpa is just cool.

14. Extreme underwater ironing is hands-down the most interesting sport I've seen yet.

15. I've been to Albania. And I seriously thought about not coming back.

16. I would really like to learn to play the bagpipes. But I think I would get kicked out of my house if I tried to practice.

17. I think it would be really cool if Torch hosted a Sacred Space event in conjunction with the Willow Arts Conference. Maybe someday. :)

18. I'm memorizing Ephesians, and I've been stuck at the end of chapter 2 for about 6 months.

19. I love to paint. Not pictures - walls. I have no idea why.

20. I prefer loading dirty dishes into the dishwasher to taking the clean ones out... go figure.

21. I took New Testament Greek on a dare.

22. I used to mow lawns with Sufjan Stevens. It was a really fun summer.

23. Every little girl should be given a copy of The Ordinary Princess for her 8th birthday.

24. I love J.P.'s. - a really great coffee shop - and have been known to drive 3.5 hours each way for a cup of their coffee.

25. One of my favorite college memories involved Klompenskotch.... :)