looking for... something

Landing in Geneva, New York - and remembering that sense of "you'll know it when you see it" that preceded landing there - reminds me in retrospect that this, too, is entirely like Him. We hear the words "I know the plans I have for you" quoted out of context and ad nauseum until it becomes a platitude - but the truth is, God did know the plans He had for Israel, and He still does. And likewise, the God who knows how much hair came out in my hairbrush today does indeed know where I'm going and how I'll get there. But to quote Andy Stanley, "direction determines destination," and we don't always need to know where we're going in order to get there. It's enough that He does. We just need to do what we can with what we've got and do our level best to head in the right direction. We will mess this up. It's okay. God knows all about that too, and has what to us will seem like a contingency plan, but really, was probably the plan all along because of all the valuable things we will learn along the way.

I have absolutely no clue what the "destination" of my life is right now - a.k.a. what I'm "destined" to do. There are hints, clues, ideas, guesses - vague thoughts and whispers of dreams - but no real place to head for at the moment. Nothing that I'm certain of. Except maybe going to Africa - but that's not for tomorrow, and I don't know what I'd do there yet.

And yes, I think destiny is partially of our own making, but I believe that's because God gives us the gifts and talents and calling and plans "coincidental" events and meetings between people and allows us to contribute to the making of our lives. Lately I've seen a lot of my gifts and talents begin to lay fallow, and the restlessness I've been feeling for months now has gotten tangled up with frustration and a little bit of depression that comes from not having any real vision to pursue, and my internal search for "what's next" has become a little more frantic. I've felt stifled. Lost. Incredibly sad. Disoriented. Not sure I'm headed in the right direction at all.

But just as following the signs I saw for a hotel did eventually lead me to one, through perseverance, a little faith, the kindness of a stranger who gave me directions when I stopped to ask for them, and the choice to be okay with the fact that I couldn't really see all that well in the dark as I journeyed toward - I didn't know what - so too in life. All I can do right now is go with what I know. The last signs I saw pointed me in this direction. I'm choosing to trust and be okay with the darkness - because I know there's Light here, too. And that stopping to ask for directions is okay. (I am doing that.) And wherever it is I'm going - I will get there eventually. It's disconcerting, yes - looking for something and not being sure what it is that I'm looking for. But I will know it when I see it. Because just like landing in Geneva - it will have His touch written all over it.


Erin said...

You, my dear, are called to ministry. Ugh. I don't mean that to sound like some hocus pocus or cliché or whatever. It's more like I just know it from getting to know you and the faith and the heart you have to offer people. And yes we are all "called" to "ministry". But some more specifically than others. :)

Ruth said...

Happy my heart aches for you in this time of waiting and searching. I can understand those feelings of depression perhaps stemming from hopelessness.

In a way though, I'm envious that your destiny is wide open to you. You can take off and enjoy a week with Jesus. You can go to Africa. My life is pretty much set at this point. There's not much wiggle room. And yes I take comfort in that because I do love a routine but I think that you are way more free spirited and adventurous than me.

I love your willingness to choose to trust in the darkness and to look for what God is doing. As you said it will have His touch written all over it.

Ruth said...

Forgot to tick the followup box.

Happy said...

"You, my dear, are called to ministry. Ugh."

lol, Erin! I think you meant the "ugh" to refer to sounding cliche, but I read it this way first. :)

All joking aside, I think you're right. But being called to ministry can take a lot of different forms, and I just don't know where my niche is right now. Not leading worship anymore, I feel like a major part of what makes me ME just DIED - and I don't know what to do with that. Was I too attached to what I *did* at my church, and not rooted enough in my identity as God's daughter, valued for who I am, and not just what I do? Or is this deep and wrenching sadness and lostness I feel right now a sign that it is NOT supposed to be this way? I don't know, and I've been asking and asking, and I still don't know the answer. I know it'll come around eventually. But right now I'm just out in the middle of nowhere.

Ruth - thanks for the always compassionate listening ear. There *is* a lot of freedom in my life, and most days I am grateful for it. It's pretty lonely sometimes, but I wouldn't have traded it up til now, and I know on the lonely days that the "not trading"-ness will still hold true tomorrow.

And I bet if you asked Him, He'd show you a way to just take off and be with Him for a day or five. :) It might look a little different for you than it does for me, but you never know when that perfect surprise of an opportunity might come along. ;)