Translucent - 1. permitting the passage of light: a: clear, transparent; b: transmitting and diffusing light so that objects beyond cannot be seen clearly 2. free from disguise or falseness
A friend of mine claimed he was being translucent the other day - to which I said, "sigh - define translucent." He laughed at the bold sigh, and said: "Translucent is a state that allows only certain light to pass through, either creating a tint to our perception or a distortion of the original image passing through. Stained glass is a great example of glass that is translucent."
This word makes me think of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "For now we see in a mirror, dimly..." I love the Message version of this verse: "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"
And "translucency" expresses so well the lighting in my "spiritual environment" at the moment. There's something I'm missing, a way in which I'm seeing true objects/concepts in a slightly distorted fashion. Some of it is beautifully lit - blues and purples casting fun patterns on wooden pews and stone floors... and some of it is just bizarre - weird shades of green and yellow that almost make you feel ill...
I had a weird experience last night. I was spending time with a group of people I love deeply, and with whom I am generally pretty open... and last night, I just didn't feel like talking. Everything I've been writing about this week (published and non-published) - they should know this stuff. But I didn't really explain it to them, not well. I gave them the five second cryptic update on the Battle of the Shoes and generally vented about a couple of other things... and they responded in love and compassion with true responses to what I told them... but I couldn't shake the feeling that what I'd presented was a slightly distorted view of reality - distorted largely because I'm so far past exhausted I can't see straight, I was starving and dizzy and light-headed, and because I'm not seeing clearly to begin with, and not because I lied or meant to... what I said was true, but it wasn't the whole truth - I don't think I know what the whole truth is...
They gave me good advice - it was biblical, it was godly - and it felt off.
Not sure what to make of that.
But I came away from it thinking, "Okay, something needs to shift. I need to be able to see more clearly."
So I am taking a week off. Not from life, much as I could use a vacation. But from blogging, from making decisions that matter, from everything I can think of that may be aiding in this distortion. I am going to go back and read everything I can find that I've written since August and see if I can trace the trajectory I've been on, what it is that God has been doing in me and maybe why, and see if I can guess beyond an hour from now what's next... I think I looked at the Promised Land and decided to run last night, and it felt like Israel said "go for it" - but I'm not sure...
So here's where you come in. Will you help me? Will you go back during this week and read what I've written here and tell me what you see God doing in the life of this girl you've been getting to know? What you've seen Him teach me? I need to remember the deeds of the Lord this week. (Psalm 77 again.)
Thank you, my friends.
And Happy Easter!
I will "see" you in a week or so.