Yep. It's another multi-part post. :)
I'm in this... I don't know what you'd call it... book club? class? ... THING. That'll work... It's a core group of people from Torch who are getting together once a month to talk through concepts found in some of the books we're reading. Last month's book was Visioneering, by Andy Stanley - and it was excellent. To help us think about what we're reading, our pastor gives us what he calls an application guide (and I call homework) and one of the questions he asked last month was really good.
The last question on the guide was, "What's your life vision?" to which I answered, "I DON'T KNOW" and that I'd get back to him on that - it occured to me today that I should probably get around to it - so, since I still don't know, I was re-reading the rest of what I'd written, and thought I'd share this bit.
So here's the question:
What are the top seven values that shape how you (will) live?
1. TRUTH - 2 Timothy 2:15 - "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." I want how I live to honor Him, and to teach (by both word (what I teach - written and spoken) and deed (how I live)) His truth.
2. HUMILITY - Micah 6:8 - "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I want to live the balance between justice and mercy well, which something you must have humility to do.
3. JUSTICE/RIGHTEOUSNESS - Isaiah 56:1 - "This is what the Lord says, "Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed." I want to be known as someone who will always do the right thing, and who knows instinctively what that is, even in complicated, messy situations.
4. FREEDOM - Isaiah 58:6 - "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?" I want to be a yoke-breaker, through fasting and intercession, both private (prayer-closet) and public (praying over people).
5. *SABBATH* - Isaiah 56:2 and 58:13 - I want to learn what this means. I'm not in a place yet where I would die for this - but i think it's God who keeps bringing it up, and it seems to tie in with how I am supposed to structure my life in order to achieve what He wants to do through me. I don't get it yet, but I want to... so this is a "should" - but I want it to be a "would" - and not to impress anybody but because I think it's what God wants for me... Isaiah 56:2 - "Blessed is the man who does this, the man who holds it fast, who keeps the Sabbath without desecrating it, and keeps his hand from doing any evil. Isaiah 58:13 - "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight, and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words...."
6. YIELDEDNESS - John 3: 8 - "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." Wherever. Whenever. Whatever. I want to be when and where He wants me, doing whatever He wants me to do at any given moment.
7. HOSPITALITY - 1 Peter 4:8-10 - "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms."
Romans 12:10-13 - "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality."
I want to live hospitably - as a person of invitation - regardless of my personal circumstances. No matter how in need I am, there will always be something to share. "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you..." (Acts 3:6) etc. Hospitality involves so much more than just having people over for dinner, tho I want that to be a part of my life as well - it's inviting people into your life AS IS.
That last one is tricky sometimes. In spite of all I've written/thought on the subject over the past couple of years, I still find myself trying to clean up both my house and my act...
So what about you? This isn't a meme (unless you want it to be). :) But what do you value? I'd love to know.
prayer and fasting and faith on the earth - part one
I've been kicking a few thoughts around in my head, and working on this post for ages, and I have finally realized that it's going to take me awhile to sort it all out in my head... so, rather than not post anything for weeks, I thought maybe I'd give you a glimpse into what I'm thinking about. :) This only about half a thought so far, so please keep that in mind, but feedback, discussion, etc. is still more than welcome.
About a month and a half ago, Jon wrote an incredible post that raised a lot of interesting questions for a few of us, about the "greater things" that Jesus talked about, and what that really means. Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." (John 14:12-14)
I've already written a fairly lengthy post on this verse and others like it, and a month and a half later, I am still mulling all this over. I still find myself incredibly challenged to seriously consider if I really believe that it's true - and if I do, then why do I not act on it?
A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine was really not feeling well, and my heart totally went out to him. "Can I pray for you?" "Absolutely." So I went and got Stephie, and eventually we prayed.
It turned out to be quite the experience. I'm not really sure what it was like on his end, or Stephie's for that matter. But there were two dimensions of it for me that just left me wondering.
First, my hand on his shoulder got really tingly. Like seriously, pins and needles - but there was no "real" explanation for why that would happen - we were all sitting down and he was sitting on the floor, so it's not like my arm was falling asleep because I had it raised or anything. I don't really know how to describe it. And I found myself wondering - is this the power of God, flowing through me into my friend to heal him? I'm not sure... but he said later that he felt a lot better when we were done praying for him... which means that God was doing something...
Second, I ran smack into something we talked about on Jon's blog last month. Jon said, "i don't think it is simply a lack of faith that keeps these things from happening. i think it is because we have never practiced or tried, which is because of our lack of faith, which is because of a lack of practical examples." and then he raised a question:
have you ever tried to heal someone? and i'm not talking about "praying for healing." although that is the age old tradition within the church, i don't ever see jesus or the apostles doing that. they don't sit around, talking to the air saying things like, "dear god, if it be your will, please take away her cancer. may it be so, lord. may it be so. for your glory. amen."
no. they walk up, look the person in the eye and say, "be healed." they command it to be so with confident assertion.
That really tripped me up, I have to tell you. Because he's right. That's how they did it.
So this is what I said then:
I'm not willing to jump into the boat that says we can't do this. I've yet to walk up to someone and tell them to be well. I don't know if I can - and to be honest, I AM concerned about what it could do to someone's faith if I said it, they believed it would happen, and then it didn't. So there's the fear that prevents me from stepping out. I'm not a fan of the people who whack you on the head and tell you to be healed and wait for you to fall over - tho I do believe that in spite of the hype and in spite of the people who lie and twist it all for their own glory, honest people who are truly seeking God will still meet Him (have still met Him - I was one of them) in meetings like that.
But what if we could do it the way Peter and John did. Can you imagine that guy at the temple gate? His friends (or family) drop him off in his usual spot for another day of begging. Wow, that'll do a lot for your self-esteem... So Peter had to ask him to meet his gaze. What did that man see in Peter's eyes? What did John see as he watched? I don't know, but I think it was love. Compassion. A truly heart-felt desire to, on behalf of Christ, give this man a shred of dignity he had never known. I can almost see Peter grin as he reached down and took the man by the hand, the twinkle in his eyes as he tells him to get up. This man has never walked a day in his life. And AS he gets up (putting his own faith in line with Peter's?) his ankles become strong, and all the muscles in his legs he's never used are suddenly in working order, to the point where he can jump and leap in a way he'd only ever dreamed of for his whole life.
Imagine it, if we could bring that kind of joy to someone - the contagion it would be - how quickly the gospel would spread...
I don't know if I'm able to get past my lack of willingness to act on what I say I believe - but I hope I will. Because I think part of the point of miracles and whatnot (lol - "miracles and whatnot" - Happy speak for "signs and wonders") is to AID us in our faith - to help us believe. Jesus himself said something to the effect of, "oh for heaven's sake, if you don't believe what I SAY, then at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves" - that's paraphrased, but I think it's the jist and you can look it up in John - somewhere between 14-16, I think. :) He performed miracles as a testimony to who He was - and I think that's still the point. That, and just love...
(It's John 14:11, by the way.)
So that story in Acts 3 that I referenced in those comments has completely captured my imagination... and there is this very small - but very vocal - part of me that is starting to wonder if it is possible to say what Peter said, "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you..."
"What I have... "
...What do I have? And is it really mine to give away?...
I didn't say it.
...but I wanted to.
I wonder what would happen?
About a month and a half ago, Jon wrote an incredible post that raised a lot of interesting questions for a few of us, about the "greater things" that Jesus talked about, and what that really means. Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." (John 14:12-14)
I've already written a fairly lengthy post on this verse and others like it, and a month and a half later, I am still mulling all this over. I still find myself incredibly challenged to seriously consider if I really believe that it's true - and if I do, then why do I not act on it?
A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine was really not feeling well, and my heart totally went out to him. "Can I pray for you?" "Absolutely." So I went and got Stephie, and eventually we prayed.
It turned out to be quite the experience. I'm not really sure what it was like on his end, or Stephie's for that matter. But there were two dimensions of it for me that just left me wondering.
First, my hand on his shoulder got really tingly. Like seriously, pins and needles - but there was no "real" explanation for why that would happen - we were all sitting down and he was sitting on the floor, so it's not like my arm was falling asleep because I had it raised or anything. I don't really know how to describe it. And I found myself wondering - is this the power of God, flowing through me into my friend to heal him? I'm not sure... but he said later that he felt a lot better when we were done praying for him... which means that God was doing something...
Second, I ran smack into something we talked about on Jon's blog last month. Jon said, "i don't think it is simply a lack of faith that keeps these things from happening. i think it is because we have never practiced or tried, which is because of our lack of faith, which is because of a lack of practical examples." and then he raised a question:
have you ever tried to heal someone? and i'm not talking about "praying for healing." although that is the age old tradition within the church, i don't ever see jesus or the apostles doing that. they don't sit around, talking to the air saying things like, "dear god, if it be your will, please take away her cancer. may it be so, lord. may it be so. for your glory. amen."
no. they walk up, look the person in the eye and say, "be healed." they command it to be so with confident assertion.
That really tripped me up, I have to tell you. Because he's right. That's how they did it.
So this is what I said then:
I'm not willing to jump into the boat that says we can't do this. I've yet to walk up to someone and tell them to be well. I don't know if I can - and to be honest, I AM concerned about what it could do to someone's faith if I said it, they believed it would happen, and then it didn't. So there's the fear that prevents me from stepping out. I'm not a fan of the people who whack you on the head and tell you to be healed and wait for you to fall over - tho I do believe that in spite of the hype and in spite of the people who lie and twist it all for their own glory, honest people who are truly seeking God will still meet Him (have still met Him - I was one of them) in meetings like that.
But what if we could do it the way Peter and John did. Can you imagine that guy at the temple gate? His friends (or family) drop him off in his usual spot for another day of begging. Wow, that'll do a lot for your self-esteem... So Peter had to ask him to meet his gaze. What did that man see in Peter's eyes? What did John see as he watched? I don't know, but I think it was love. Compassion. A truly heart-felt desire to, on behalf of Christ, give this man a shred of dignity he had never known. I can almost see Peter grin as he reached down and took the man by the hand, the twinkle in his eyes as he tells him to get up. This man has never walked a day in his life. And AS he gets up (putting his own faith in line with Peter's?) his ankles become strong, and all the muscles in his legs he's never used are suddenly in working order, to the point where he can jump and leap in a way he'd only ever dreamed of for his whole life.
Imagine it, if we could bring that kind of joy to someone - the contagion it would be - how quickly the gospel would spread...
I don't know if I'm able to get past my lack of willingness to act on what I say I believe - but I hope I will. Because I think part of the point of miracles and whatnot (lol - "miracles and whatnot" - Happy speak for "signs and wonders") is to AID us in our faith - to help us believe. Jesus himself said something to the effect of, "oh for heaven's sake, if you don't believe what I SAY, then at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves" - that's paraphrased, but I think it's the jist and you can look it up in John - somewhere between 14-16, I think. :) He performed miracles as a testimony to who He was - and I think that's still the point. That, and just love...
(It's John 14:11, by the way.)
So that story in Acts 3 that I referenced in those comments has completely captured my imagination... and there is this very small - but very vocal - part of me that is starting to wonder if it is possible to say what Peter said, "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you..."
"What I have... "
...What do I have? And is it really mine to give away?...
I didn't say it.
...but I wanted to.
I wonder what would happen?
reflections on an incident with blackberry pie
i am not the world's greatest cook. i have been known to burn vegetables. you know, the kind you put in water and boil on the stove? yes, those. i've burned them. my rice generally turns out sticky, i tend to overcook my fish, my omelets fall apart. but i like to bake, and i'm halfway decent at turning out brownies and cookies and i make a really good apple pie. (or so i believe.)
our minichurch (new word for small group) meets on Tuesday evenings and we generally eat. i decided, in a fit of insanity, to make a blackberry pie for dessert. i'd never made one before, but i found a sugar-free recipe online that looked simple, got some advice from Sara (who is a brilliant cook) about adding extra fruit, and figured i was good to go.
allow me to share with you some things i have learned:
1) frozen berries tend to get a little juicy when they thaw
2) when a recipe calls for 1/2 cup of apple juice as a substitute for sugar, and tells you that all you need is 2 tsp. of corn starch to thicken it up, you should be suspicious
3) as a result of the first two lessons, when you pull the pie out of the oven, and it seems odd to you that there's berry juice boiling through some of the slits in the pie crust, there might be a reason for that
4) if you are foolish enough to not recognize the wisdom in lesson three, and cover your pie with only a sheet of tinfoil, you really ought not to stack the pie on top of your Bible and journal and carry it tilted slightly sideways on your way out the door
i am not kidding about lesson 4.
i would like, at this point, to mention that I looked fabulous. i felt fabulous too. from about the time i left my kitchen till about the time my friend chased me out the front door to tell me i was dripping.
dripping was an understatement.
there was a veritable lake of blackberry juice in my purse (purchased, of course, on my last missions trip to Germany). (the juice lake missed only my wallet and my cell phone - what were the odds? (thank you, Jesus!)) sweater, jeans, my favorite jacket - khaki suede... oh, and did you know we have white carpet? the front porch and the sidewalk all the way to the driveway are covered in variously sized and shaped purple splotches. and my bible and journal are decorated as well...
i stood there - dripping - in the middle of the sidewalk, holding the pie, looking at the disaster, and all i could say was, "i don't even know what to do right now..." seriously, what do you do in a moment like that?
our minichurch (new word for small group) meets on Tuesday evenings and we generally eat. i decided, in a fit of insanity, to make a blackberry pie for dessert. i'd never made one before, but i found a sugar-free recipe online that looked simple, got some advice from Sara (who is a brilliant cook) about adding extra fruit, and figured i was good to go.
allow me to share with you some things i have learned:
1) frozen berries tend to get a little juicy when they thaw
2) when a recipe calls for 1/2 cup of apple juice as a substitute for sugar, and tells you that all you need is 2 tsp. of corn starch to thicken it up, you should be suspicious
3) as a result of the first two lessons, when you pull the pie out of the oven, and it seems odd to you that there's berry juice boiling through some of the slits in the pie crust, there might be a reason for that
4) if you are foolish enough to not recognize the wisdom in lesson three, and cover your pie with only a sheet of tinfoil, you really ought not to stack the pie on top of your Bible and journal and carry it tilted slightly sideways on your way out the door
i am not kidding about lesson 4.
i would like, at this point, to mention that I looked fabulous. i felt fabulous too. from about the time i left my kitchen till about the time my friend chased me out the front door to tell me i was dripping.
dripping was an understatement.
there was a veritable lake of blackberry juice in my purse (purchased, of course, on my last missions trip to Germany). (the juice lake missed only my wallet and my cell phone - what were the odds? (thank you, Jesus!)) sweater, jeans, my favorite jacket - khaki suede... oh, and did you know we have white carpet? the front porch and the sidewalk all the way to the driveway are covered in variously sized and shaped purple splotches. and my bible and journal are decorated as well...
i stood there - dripping - in the middle of the sidewalk, holding the pie, looking at the disaster, and all i could say was, "i don't even know what to do right now..." seriously, what do you do in a moment like that?
you stand there, dripping, and wondering what to do.
and then your friend comes and helps you for a minute, and holds the pie so you can at least put down everything else. and you get some paper towels, and you start to clean up the mess, one bit at a time. you get new tinfoil and more paper towels and a carrying case and you wrap the pie more securely and contain it for the next stage of its journey. and you change your clothes, and dash out the door late, and looking slightly less fabulous, only to discover that the Boy Scouts have parked you in. so you dash back in and choose politeness and patience when internally you want to scream. and you get to minichurch eventually. and everyone is kind about the fact that they find your story hilarious, and they express sympathy while laughing. and then you go to cut the pie and find out that no, actually, it was a bigger lake than you thought. so your friend takes the pie to the sink and drains the rest of it. and the boys all tell you the pie is really good in spite of being so soggy. and you think, well. next week i will make an apple pie to make up for this...
and then you just kind of grin, because while you have been a complete moron on several counts today, life is just like that some days, and in so many ways the whole thing with the pie really is the way life goes. so you live and you learn...
and then your friend comes and helps you for a minute, and holds the pie so you can at least put down everything else. and you get some paper towels, and you start to clean up the mess, one bit at a time. you get new tinfoil and more paper towels and a carrying case and you wrap the pie more securely and contain it for the next stage of its journey. and you change your clothes, and dash out the door late, and looking slightly less fabulous, only to discover that the Boy Scouts have parked you in. so you dash back in and choose politeness and patience when internally you want to scream. and you get to minichurch eventually. and everyone is kind about the fact that they find your story hilarious, and they express sympathy while laughing. and then you go to cut the pie and find out that no, actually, it was a bigger lake than you thought. so your friend takes the pie to the sink and drains the rest of it. and the boys all tell you the pie is really good in spite of being so soggy. and you think, well. next week i will make an apple pie to make up for this...
and then you just kind of grin, because while you have been a complete moron on several counts today, life is just like that some days, and in so many ways the whole thing with the pie really is the way life goes. so you live and you learn...
and next time you ask someone who knows how to cook what corn starch is actually for anyway.
a spin down memory lane
Heather over at A Deconstructed Christian posted an unusual video this week - someone covered a song and attempted to "Christianize" it, and it was... sigh. Well, anyway. Rabbit trail, and here we are, taking a spin down memory lane.
I have a very special friend whom I will simply call Little Sister (because that sums it up well). About 6-7 years ago, we were hanging out at her house one day, listening to music, and we made up a dance routine to this song. (This isn't the official video, but I found this one amusing.) :) It was fun, and one of the things I loved most about hanging out with Little Sister back then was how young I felt sometimes. We choreographed for the greater part of the afternoon and then her dad came home.
"Dad! We made up this dance, do you want to see it?!"
(I believe he grinned.) "Of course, sweetie! I'd love to!"
I stepped off to the side, intending to sit this one out. Little Sister knew the moves. She didn't need me.
I have a very special friend whom I will simply call Little Sister (because that sums it up well). About 6-7 years ago, we were hanging out at her house one day, listening to music, and we made up a dance routine to this song. (This isn't the official video, but I found this one amusing.) :) It was fun, and one of the things I loved most about hanging out with Little Sister back then was how young I felt sometimes. We choreographed for the greater part of the afternoon and then her dad came home.
"Dad! We made up this dance, do you want to see it?!"
(I believe he grinned.) "Of course, sweetie! I'd love to!"
I stepped off to the side, intending to sit this one out. Little Sister knew the moves. She didn't need me.
"You HAVE to!!! It won't be any fun without you! I might forget something. I need you! Please?!"
"Yeah, Hap! Come on, let's see it." He was thoroughly enjoying this. And I was mortified. (I suspect he knew it.)
But she would have been so disappointed... So we danced.
It was really good for my humility. Lol. No, honestly. It really was. :)
And I am happy to say we are probably somewhat gifted choreographers, as they seem to have used some of the same moves we did.... lol. :)
waiting for the rest of the story to unfold
So one of the many things I have been doing of late, particularly on the weekends, instead of blogging, is working my way through the entire series of Christy on DVD. I found it a few weeks ago for a good price, and I remembered loving it when it first came out years ago. It was a good purchase, and a good use of time, I think - I've been so inspired by the stories of these episodes, based on the book by Catherine Marshall. (and for those of you who have not seen the series yet and want to - this sentence is your official spoiler alert.) :)
I watched the last episode today, and I have to say I am really annoyed right now. They ended the series without telling you who she ends up with! How can they DO that?!?! It's so unfair. You know she should marry the preacher - she should - but you want her to marry the atheist doctor, in spite of the fact that he's still married to someone else - who is dying, incidentally. The ethics of the situation are terrible, but you still find yourself hoping that it will all work out somehow... but the series ends with Christy holding the preacher's ring and looking back and forth between the two men, and her voiceover saying something about how the choice she was about to make would change her life, and the lives of those she loved, forever. No kidding.... but what did you DO, Christy?!?!
AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
What is it in us that needs to know the ending of the story? And why are we so impatient with the not knowing? As you've probably guessed, that question is about far more than a mere television series. I can go look at end of the book to find out who she married in the long run. But what about life? What about all the zillions of questions we have about how it will all turn out?
I don't have any answers to those questions. I do have a Book, and it says that it all ends well... for those who are in Christ. So I am confident of that. But what about all the chapters between now and then? I want to know what happens, dang it!
Sorry. This is a bit of a rant. Brought on by a long day of dusty cleaning and mental to-do lists, and an antsy restlessness that sets in periodically. I think I'll go take a walk. Hopefully it'll clear my head. If nothing else, it will quiet my soul, to wander with Him for awhile.
I watched the last episode today, and I have to say I am really annoyed right now. They ended the series without telling you who she ends up with! How can they DO that?!?! It's so unfair. You know she should marry the preacher - she should - but you want her to marry the atheist doctor, in spite of the fact that he's still married to someone else - who is dying, incidentally. The ethics of the situation are terrible, but you still find yourself hoping that it will all work out somehow... but the series ends with Christy holding the preacher's ring and looking back and forth between the two men, and her voiceover saying something about how the choice she was about to make would change her life, and the lives of those she loved, forever. No kidding.... but what did you DO, Christy?!?!
AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
What is it in us that needs to know the ending of the story? And why are we so impatient with the not knowing? As you've probably guessed, that question is about far more than a mere television series. I can go look at end of the book to find out who she married in the long run. But what about life? What about all the zillions of questions we have about how it will all turn out?
I don't have any answers to those questions. I do have a Book, and it says that it all ends well... for those who are in Christ. So I am confident of that. But what about all the chapters between now and then? I want to know what happens, dang it!
Sorry. This is a bit of a rant. Brought on by a long day of dusty cleaning and mental to-do lists, and an antsy restlessness that sets in periodically. I think I'll go take a walk. Hopefully it'll clear my head. If nothing else, it will quiet my soul, to wander with Him for awhile.
encountering Judas
It was the last thing I expected when I curled up in bed with a cup of tea and a good book, for my monthly "morning with Jesus." I call them Geneva days (because my first few were at a camp by that name), and I love them. They are mornings I set aside (actually written in on the calendar) to meet with the Lord with no agenda of my own. Sometimes that's hard - there are things I want to talk about, and oftentimes I find myself discussing those with Him anyway - but I do my best to let Him set the agenda for the day. Last Saturday I pulled out Having A Mary Heart in A Martha World, and finally (9 months later) finished it - it seemed like the thing to do that morning, and Joanna Weaver's discussion of one of the Mary stories hit me in a way I hadn't expected.
Mary, shortly before Jesus was crucified, came to him with one of the most valuable things she had - an alabaster jar of pure nard - and poured it over his feet, which she then wiped with her hair. It was an act of pure devotion and worship - and it drove Judas crazy. That perfume was worth more than a year's wages, and it seemed like such a waste to him, to "throw away" something so valuable in such a ridiculous fashion. He claimed it could have been sold and the money used to feed the poor. I won't question his motivation. But he had an agenda, and a world-view so contrary to Mary's - that he couldn't even begin to understand what would possess her to do such a thing.
You know, if you'd asked me before which character in the story I most identified with, I might have said Mary. Extravagant worship of that sort is something I want to offer the Lord. But as Weaver drew the contrasts between the heart attitudes of Judas and Mary, I began to notice something a little disturbing - I have, at times, as much potential to go his way as I do hers.
Ouch.
God, forbid that I should ever get so caught up in my own ideas about how things are supposed to go that I miss Your plan entirely. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Amen.
Mary, shortly before Jesus was crucified, came to him with one of the most valuable things she had - an alabaster jar of pure nard - and poured it over his feet, which she then wiped with her hair. It was an act of pure devotion and worship - and it drove Judas crazy. That perfume was worth more than a year's wages, and it seemed like such a waste to him, to "throw away" something so valuable in such a ridiculous fashion. He claimed it could have been sold and the money used to feed the poor. I won't question his motivation. But he had an agenda, and a world-view so contrary to Mary's - that he couldn't even begin to understand what would possess her to do such a thing.
You know, if you'd asked me before which character in the story I most identified with, I might have said Mary. Extravagant worship of that sort is something I want to offer the Lord. But as Weaver drew the contrasts between the heart attitudes of Judas and Mary, I began to notice something a little disturbing - I have, at times, as much potential to go his way as I do hers.
Ouch.
God, forbid that I should ever get so caught up in my own ideas about how things are supposed to go that I miss Your plan entirely. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Amen.
the three things meme
Cathy tagged me in a meme a few days ago (summer must be over if we all have time for this sort of thing again...lol) and I am finally getting to it. It's been a week of beautiful end-of-the-summer weather and I've been out walking or on a lake most evenings, and ...well, I don't know what happened to the rest of the week, but there's a floor that needs mopping, so here I am, meme-ing. :)
3 Joys:
long walks with a good friend
Reeses' Peanut Butter cups
hiking in the Michigan woods in the fall
3 Fears:
bees
spiders
snakes
3 Goals:
to someday get a Masters degree in something
to fast three entire days on nothing but water
to write at least one new song before the end of the year
3 Current Obsessions:
getting rid of those boxes of junk mail that have been kicking around for 2 years now
going to IKEA for some odds and ends
saving for a Macbook Pro
3 Random/Surprising Facts:
i have a thing about bare feet (please keep them off me)
i very rarely hit what i'm aiming at when i throw something
there's about a 50/50 chance that if i go up or down a flight of stairs for something specific, i will forget for what
hm. whom to tag....
tell you what. if you want it, it's yours. :) but i think Chris, Sara, and Tara should go for it. if anyone else wants it, tho, just link back in the comments section so we can read it. :)
3 Joys:
long walks with a good friend
Reeses' Peanut Butter cups
hiking in the Michigan woods in the fall
3 Fears:
bees
spiders
snakes
3 Goals:
to someday get a Masters degree in something
to fast three entire days on nothing but water
to write at least one new song before the end of the year
3 Current Obsessions:
getting rid of those boxes of junk mail that have been kicking around for 2 years now
going to IKEA for some odds and ends
saving for a Macbook Pro
3 Random/Surprising Facts:
i have a thing about bare feet (please keep them off me)
i very rarely hit what i'm aiming at when i throw something
there's about a 50/50 chance that if i go up or down a flight of stairs for something specific, i will forget for what
hm. whom to tag....
tell you what. if you want it, it's yours. :) but i think Chris, Sara, and Tara should go for it. if anyone else wants it, tho, just link back in the comments section so we can read it. :)
an unexpected gift
I was given a gift last night that I suspect I may treasure always. It isn't the kind of gift you can put on a shelf, or in your pocket. It was simply something that happened.
A couple of years ago I wrote a song for someone. It's actually a worship song, but it was inspired by his story, and it was one of those songs that sort of wrote itself, and has served as a kind of a standing stone to remind him (and our community in general) of what God has done. We've been singing it off and on for awhile, and a lot of people in our community now don't even know the story, and some of them don't even know I wrote it, which is actually kind of fun, because it means the song has taken on a life of its own - but up until now, I'm the only one who has ever led it. And up until last night, (and I know this will sound strange, but it's true) I had no idea if it even really meant anything to my friend. He never said. And I never asked.
But last night, someone else was leading worship, and my song was part of the set, and I had the immense privilege of standing in the back of the room and hearing an entire roomful of people sing my song. It was one of the most humbling and exhilarating moments I have ever experienced. But it gets even better. About halfway through the song, I looked over, and my friend that I wrote it for was standing in the back by the doors, and he had the biggest grin on his face. It was one of those smiles that you can't really give words to - but it expressed joy, and intimacy with the Father - and just knowing his story, I knew he was remembering. It was one sweet moment.
A couple of years ago I wrote a song for someone. It's actually a worship song, but it was inspired by his story, and it was one of those songs that sort of wrote itself, and has served as a kind of a standing stone to remind him (and our community in general) of what God has done. We've been singing it off and on for awhile, and a lot of people in our community now don't even know the story, and some of them don't even know I wrote it, which is actually kind of fun, because it means the song has taken on a life of its own - but up until now, I'm the only one who has ever led it. And up until last night, (and I know this will sound strange, but it's true) I had no idea if it even really meant anything to my friend. He never said. And I never asked.
But last night, someone else was leading worship, and my song was part of the set, and I had the immense privilege of standing in the back of the room and hearing an entire roomful of people sing my song. It was one of the most humbling and exhilarating moments I have ever experienced. But it gets even better. About halfway through the song, I looked over, and my friend that I wrote it for was standing in the back by the doors, and he had the biggest grin on his face. It was one of those smiles that you can't really give words to - but it expressed joy, and intimacy with the Father - and just knowing his story, I knew he was remembering. It was one sweet moment.
greater things are yet to come
I'm quite sure I'll have more to say when I have more time to write, but in the meantime, I would really like to direct all of you to a post that was mentioned in the comments section of my last post. Jon over at something else has written on a very similar topic, and it's sparked a great conversation. Honestly, I've probably written two posts worth of stuff over there. :)
We introduced a song at Torch last week that is so applicable to this whole conversation, too. I hope you like it as much as I do. Here's the acoustic version from Chris Tomlin:
We introduced a song at Torch last week that is so applicable to this whole conversation, too. I hope you like it as much as I do. Here's the acoustic version from Chris Tomlin:
...but... do we *believe* it?
I've been thinking a lot about what Jesus said in John 14-17; I spent a couple of days just reading and re-reading those chapters, and really searching my heart to know if I really believe all that He says. I'm embarrassed to admit that there are times when I really don't seem to, and so I find myself crying out with the man in Mark 9:24, "Lord, I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief." It isn't that I don't believe it - mentally, I do - it's in God's Word, it's true, therefore... but to put my faith behind it, and act on it? That's where I stumble over my own lack of faith.
Consider these verses:
John 14: 12-14 - I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
John 15: 7-16 - (v. 7, 8,16:) If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples....You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
John 16: 22-27 -(v. 23, 24, 26,27:) In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.... In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.
Eugene Peterson paraphrases some of it this way in The Message:
From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do. (John 14:7-8) This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks!....I won't continue making requests of the Father on your behalf. I won't need to. Because you've gone out on a limb, committed yourselves to love and trust in me, believing I came directly from the Father, the Father loves you directly. (John 16:23-24, 26-27)
So if I'm understanding all of this correctly, the idea here is that because Jesus chose us to be his disciples, to be the people who model and teach the way of life that He lived, we're to do the things He did. (I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.) Have you read about those things?! Lame people walking, sick people healed, blind people given sight, the deaf hearing, dead men rising... Oh. my. That's incredible.... but... do we believe it? Do we believe that when we pray, God hears us, and His answer will be yes?
I know, there's immediately a zillion complicated questions - what about "unanswered" prayer? what about when God says no? what about when people you've prayed for to be well do not get well? what about...
Those are all valid questions. Questions I've asked myself. Questions I have used to justify my unbelief... But what if I did believe it? What if I were actually walking close enough with God that I knew His heart in specific situations? What if I prayed, not just things I want or think would be good ideas, but what if I prayed, as Peterson phrases it, things that along the lines of who (God is) and what (He is) doing, things that in keeping with the things (He's) revealed to (me)? It seems to me that (because He said it, and because it just makes sense) if we pray for the things that God wants, His answer will be yes...
And no, the "yes" won't always come right away. There are times when, as author Joanna Weaver puts it, "God's love tarries." When Jesus heard that Lazarus was sick (John 11:1-44), He could have just said the word, and his friend would have been well - He'd done that before for someone else. But He didn't. He waited two days, and then He went to His friends. Their sorrow touched Him deeply; tarrying was not something He did lightly. But oh, the miracle we would all have missed if He hadn't! And who am I to say that because God's "yes" is not yet apparent to me that I have either failed in my praying or that He is not going to say "yes"? (If I am praying in His will - I'm not talking about times when I'm not - and those do exist, because I'm human, and I get it wrong a lot.)
I think this is all kicking around in my head so much because over the past couple of weeks I have been praying for something I really want for someone I love. And I believe with all my heart that it's something God would really like to say "yes" to. It's in keeping with who He is, and what He does. It would bring Him so much glory. It would be an absolute, honest-to-goodness miracle. And as I've been praying for this one thing, God has led me to pray for any number of other related things - and I've seen them happen. And I have been amazed at the accuracy of my prayers for things I was "guessing" at, and the speed with which God has said "yes" to them... and then I read these verses, and felt challenged to question myself: "Do I really believe that God will say yes to what I'm asking him for?" I've gone into it trying to be realistic about the fact that God might continue to say "not yet." Trying not to get my hopes up, trying not to set myself up for disappointment. Trying not to expect too much... but is anything too much for God?
No. No, it isn't.
And the truth is, I felt led to this season of prayer. I felt led to ask for this one thing. I read the parable of the persistent widow awhile ago, and felt the Lord inviting me to take Him up on it, to come and pound down His door for this. "How badly do you want this, Hap? Show me."
I believe He has already said yes, and I have reason to believe it. It is "not yet" at the moment, but I don't know... I don't understand how it all works, but I believe that for whatever reason God has given me the privilege of participating in this part of His plan, and that somehow what I pray, and the persistence with which I pray, is moving something on a level where I cannot yet see it. "You don't have because you don't ask." (James 4:2) So I am asking, and trying to put my faith behind my prayers. I will believe that He is able to do more than all I ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). And I will wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14) for the day He says yes. And praying that it will be soon.
Amen. (which means, "let it be so.")
Consider these verses:
John 14: 12-14 - I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
John 15: 7-16 - (v. 7, 8,16:) If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples....You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
John 16: 22-27 -(v. 23, 24, 26,27:) In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.... In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.
Eugene Peterson paraphrases some of it this way in The Message:
From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do. (John 14:7-8) This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks!....I won't continue making requests of the Father on your behalf. I won't need to. Because you've gone out on a limb, committed yourselves to love and trust in me, believing I came directly from the Father, the Father loves you directly. (John 16:23-24, 26-27)
So if I'm understanding all of this correctly, the idea here is that because Jesus chose us to be his disciples, to be the people who model and teach the way of life that He lived, we're to do the things He did. (I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.) Have you read about those things?! Lame people walking, sick people healed, blind people given sight, the deaf hearing, dead men rising... Oh. my. That's incredible.... but... do we believe it? Do we believe that when we pray, God hears us, and His answer will be yes?
I know, there's immediately a zillion complicated questions - what about "unanswered" prayer? what about when God says no? what about when people you've prayed for to be well do not get well? what about...
Those are all valid questions. Questions I've asked myself. Questions I have used to justify my unbelief... But what if I did believe it? What if I were actually walking close enough with God that I knew His heart in specific situations? What if I prayed, not just things I want or think would be good ideas, but what if I prayed, as Peterson phrases it, things that along the lines of who (God is) and what (He is) doing, things that in keeping with the things (He's) revealed to (me)? It seems to me that (because He said it, and because it just makes sense) if we pray for the things that God wants, His answer will be yes...
And no, the "yes" won't always come right away. There are times when, as author Joanna Weaver puts it, "God's love tarries." When Jesus heard that Lazarus was sick (John 11:1-44), He could have just said the word, and his friend would have been well - He'd done that before for someone else. But He didn't. He waited two days, and then He went to His friends. Their sorrow touched Him deeply; tarrying was not something He did lightly. But oh, the miracle we would all have missed if He hadn't! And who am I to say that because God's "yes" is not yet apparent to me that I have either failed in my praying or that He is not going to say "yes"? (If I am praying in His will - I'm not talking about times when I'm not - and those do exist, because I'm human, and I get it wrong a lot.)
I think this is all kicking around in my head so much because over the past couple of weeks I have been praying for something I really want for someone I love. And I believe with all my heart that it's something God would really like to say "yes" to. It's in keeping with who He is, and what He does. It would bring Him so much glory. It would be an absolute, honest-to-goodness miracle. And as I've been praying for this one thing, God has led me to pray for any number of other related things - and I've seen them happen. And I have been amazed at the accuracy of my prayers for things I was "guessing" at, and the speed with which God has said "yes" to them... and then I read these verses, and felt challenged to question myself: "Do I really believe that God will say yes to what I'm asking him for?" I've gone into it trying to be realistic about the fact that God might continue to say "not yet." Trying not to get my hopes up, trying not to set myself up for disappointment. Trying not to expect too much... but is anything too much for God?
No. No, it isn't.
And the truth is, I felt led to this season of prayer. I felt led to ask for this one thing. I read the parable of the persistent widow awhile ago, and felt the Lord inviting me to take Him up on it, to come and pound down His door for this. "How badly do you want this, Hap? Show me."
I believe He has already said yes, and I have reason to believe it. It is "not yet" at the moment, but I don't know... I don't understand how it all works, but I believe that for whatever reason God has given me the privilege of participating in this part of His plan, and that somehow what I pray, and the persistence with which I pray, is moving something on a level where I cannot yet see it. "You don't have because you don't ask." (James 4:2) So I am asking, and trying to put my faith behind my prayers. I will believe that He is able to do more than all I ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). And I will wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14) for the day He says yes. And praying that it will be soon.
Amen. (which means, "let it be so.")
loyalty
So a friend of mine paid me a rather interesting compliment last night. We were texting back and forth about something and he said, "You've gotta be one of the most loyal people I know."
Loyal? Wow... What do you say to that?
I'll admit it, at first it felt a little like the friendship version of "she's got a great personality..." Lol. Loyal... I mean, really, am I a cocker spaniel?! But as I thought more about it, I thought, no, actually, this really is something for which we should want to be known...
What does it mean to be loyal?
Webster defines it as being "unswerving in allegiance," faithful to someone or something to whom fidelity is owed. So a loyal person is someone you can trust, depend on - someone who will be there no matter what.
That's the kind of person I want to be - and a trait for which I'm glad to be known, by at least one person anyway. :) But as I've been thinking about it today, it occured to me that as much as it means to know that my friend thinks this of me, it would mean so much more to know that God believed it to be true of me.
So, Lord, my prayer this day is that You would find me to be loyal to You always. Make me that kind of a girl, God. Amen.
Loyal? Wow... What do you say to that?
I'll admit it, at first it felt a little like the friendship version of "she's got a great personality..." Lol. Loyal... I mean, really, am I a cocker spaniel?! But as I thought more about it, I thought, no, actually, this really is something for which we should want to be known...
What does it mean to be loyal?
Webster defines it as being "unswerving in allegiance," faithful to someone or something to whom fidelity is owed. So a loyal person is someone you can trust, depend on - someone who will be there no matter what.
That's the kind of person I want to be - and a trait for which I'm glad to be known, by at least one person anyway. :) But as I've been thinking about it today, it occured to me that as much as it means to know that my friend thinks this of me, it would mean so much more to know that God believed it to be true of me.
So, Lord, my prayer this day is that You would find me to be loyal to You always. Make me that kind of a girl, God. Amen.
responsible song writing 101
As a worship leader, I pay pretty close attention to what the words of our songs are actually saying. Songs are interesting things. With the possible exception of annoying restaurant birthday songs, they generally have the potential to be extremely meaningful - or to drive us crazy. Ever turned off the radio just because that song came on again? Or turned it up because "oh, i love this song!!"
It is no different on Sundays - or Monday nights. And part of my job (which is really difficult) is helping our community to create a song culture that reflects good theology, is incredibly singable, culturally relevant, and... well - a lot of things, really, but right there - "culturally relevant..." Put two people in a room and you already have two cultures. Try it with ninety and see how far you get finding a song that they'll all love. :)
So we do our best.
One of the issues that came up early on in my worship leading career was the fact that I'm a woman. (um, surprise?) No, actually, it wasn't the women-in-ministry debate - it was simply that I'm naturally a first soprano, but guys can't sing in those keys. So over time I've become an alto, and I sing everything way lower than is comfy at times, but it's helped our guys to connect a little better, so losing my upper register was worth it. But I think it's because I'm so in the habit of thinking about how to help the guys in our group encounter the Lord through music (tricky as many of them claim to be joyful noise-makers), this video really caught my attention. What do you think about this?
It is no different on Sundays - or Monday nights. And part of my job (which is really difficult) is helping our community to create a song culture that reflects good theology, is incredibly singable, culturally relevant, and... well - a lot of things, really, but right there - "culturally relevant..." Put two people in a room and you already have two cultures. Try it with ninety and see how far you get finding a song that they'll all love. :)
So we do our best.
One of the issues that came up early on in my worship leading career was the fact that I'm a woman. (um, surprise?) No, actually, it wasn't the women-in-ministry debate - it was simply that I'm naturally a first soprano, but guys can't sing in those keys. So over time I've become an alto, and I sing everything way lower than is comfy at times, but it's helped our guys to connect a little better, so losing my upper register was worth it. But I think it's because I'm so in the habit of thinking about how to help the guys in our group encounter the Lord through music (tricky as many of them claim to be joyful noise-makers), this video really caught my attention. What do you think about this?
the end of the masquerade
One of my favorite movies - possible the favorite movie - is Ever After. If you have not seen it, I would highly recommend it. A "real life" Cinderella story, complete with masked ball... does it get better than that? Oh, yes, it does. There are gypsies and a swordfight. (And those of you who love this movie as much as I do are reliving the best scene right now.) The rest of you need to go rent it. Yes, it's a chick flick. And their French is terrible. But it's a good story. And did I mention there's a swordfight? (Cinderella wins.)
So there's a scene towards the end of the movie where Cinderella goes to the Masque - the ball the King is throwing to celebrate the engagement of his son to ... no one knows whom. The prince and Cinderella have fallen in love, but she can't marry him under false pretenses, so Cinderella goes to tell him the truth about who she is - and the conversation goes horribly wrong. He isn't listening to her, and she's betrayed by her family in front of the entire court before she has the opportunity to explain the real masquerade that their relationship has been up to this point. He is understandably upset, and allows his pride to overshadow his love for the girl... they do patch it up and live happily ever after eventually, but it takes them awhile to get there, and it's pretty awful in betweentimes...
I've been thinking about that whole masquerade thing all week. A friend of mine, when I told him about that dream I had last week, basically said, "Hap, don't read more into it than is there, but look at the message - you're afraid of the consequences of being seen for who you really are. Your whole life you've played so many roles based on the expectations (or perceived expectations) that have been placed upon you. Over the past year, you've done a lot to step out of that masquerade and to just be yourself - but since you've been burned in the past for it, of course you're starting to fear that it will happen again." (He said it all a lot better than that, and I am kicking myself for not writing it down earlier.) He had a point. And, I suspect, a direct line to heaven on that one. There's a lot of truth to that, and I run up against it in the oddest places sometimes.
Tomorrow my friend Stephie is preaching on fasting, and she's interviewing me and another friend of ours about our experiences fasting. I'm glad she asked because it is a discipline that I really love (I know that sounds funny, considering prior things I've written about that, but God has so changed my heart about it), and the opportunity to make the discipline of fasting personal to someone (as in, "Oh, well, this person I know has managed to fast, and this is how it went, so maybe I can too...") is exciting - but there's also this weird zone attached to it that I am really wrestling with...
The two passages I come back to over and over again on fasting are Isaiah 58 and Matthew 6: 16-18. I've written a couple of times about Isaiah 58 and how significant that passage has been to me. But I'm suddenly finding that actually standing up in front of people and talking about it is really hard! Fasting is such a personal and private thing, and the things for which I have been fasting and praying this year are so intensely personal - and I'm just not sure how to talk about it and still be vague enough to guard my privacy yet truthful enough to communicate that there are actual situations in which this discipline has proven effective - how to talk about how sweet it is to throw yourself in the gap for someone you love who needs God to intervene on their behalf and to let your hunger drive you to a deeper hunger for the Lord and for His kingdom to come... without actually explaining the situations themselves. How to talk about Isaiah 58 when God continues to use it to change everything... And I'm being vague....
It is simply that in learning to say Kaddish this year, I have discovered that part of God's purpose in calling to me to fast the way I do is to "loose the chains of injustice" over my life... and that "not turning away from my own flesh and blood" (Isaiah 58:7) isn't just about the past but about the future too - and that "the glory of the Lord" being "my rear guard" means that God's got my back and that He can redeem my past to help others become free - but that in order to do that, He needs me to tell the truth - the whole truth - about me. My story. Everything. Probably not all at once...lol. But bit by bit. And while blogging has done so much over the past two years to help me start doing that... the call is to people I can see as well as those of you who are kind enough to read these ramblings...
So I guess it's time to break character...? Tomorrow will be interesting anyway. (insert wry grin here) I wonder what I'll actually say...
...and am hoping for a happy ending. Pun so absolutely intended.
So there's a scene towards the end of the movie where Cinderella goes to the Masque - the ball the King is throwing to celebrate the engagement of his son to ... no one knows whom. The prince and Cinderella have fallen in love, but she can't marry him under false pretenses, so Cinderella goes to tell him the truth about who she is - and the conversation goes horribly wrong. He isn't listening to her, and she's betrayed by her family in front of the entire court before she has the opportunity to explain the real masquerade that their relationship has been up to this point. He is understandably upset, and allows his pride to overshadow his love for the girl... they do patch it up and live happily ever after eventually, but it takes them awhile to get there, and it's pretty awful in betweentimes...
I've been thinking about that whole masquerade thing all week. A friend of mine, when I told him about that dream I had last week, basically said, "Hap, don't read more into it than is there, but look at the message - you're afraid of the consequences of being seen for who you really are. Your whole life you've played so many roles based on the expectations (or perceived expectations) that have been placed upon you. Over the past year, you've done a lot to step out of that masquerade and to just be yourself - but since you've been burned in the past for it, of course you're starting to fear that it will happen again." (He said it all a lot better than that, and I am kicking myself for not writing it down earlier.) He had a point. And, I suspect, a direct line to heaven on that one. There's a lot of truth to that, and I run up against it in the oddest places sometimes.
Tomorrow my friend Stephie is preaching on fasting, and she's interviewing me and another friend of ours about our experiences fasting. I'm glad she asked because it is a discipline that I really love (I know that sounds funny, considering prior things I've written about that, but God has so changed my heart about it), and the opportunity to make the discipline of fasting personal to someone (as in, "Oh, well, this person I know has managed to fast, and this is how it went, so maybe I can too...") is exciting - but there's also this weird zone attached to it that I am really wrestling with...
The two passages I come back to over and over again on fasting are Isaiah 58 and Matthew 6: 16-18. I've written a couple of times about Isaiah 58 and how significant that passage has been to me. But I'm suddenly finding that actually standing up in front of people and talking about it is really hard! Fasting is such a personal and private thing, and the things for which I have been fasting and praying this year are so intensely personal - and I'm just not sure how to talk about it and still be vague enough to guard my privacy yet truthful enough to communicate that there are actual situations in which this discipline has proven effective - how to talk about how sweet it is to throw yourself in the gap for someone you love who needs God to intervene on their behalf and to let your hunger drive you to a deeper hunger for the Lord and for His kingdom to come... without actually explaining the situations themselves. How to talk about Isaiah 58 when God continues to use it to change everything... And I'm being vague....
It is simply that in learning to say Kaddish this year, I have discovered that part of God's purpose in calling to me to fast the way I do is to "loose the chains of injustice" over my life... and that "not turning away from my own flesh and blood" (Isaiah 58:7) isn't just about the past but about the future too - and that "the glory of the Lord" being "my rear guard" means that God's got my back and that He can redeem my past to help others become free - but that in order to do that, He needs me to tell the truth - the whole truth - about me. My story. Everything. Probably not all at once...lol. But bit by bit. And while blogging has done so much over the past two years to help me start doing that... the call is to people I can see as well as those of you who are kind enough to read these ramblings...
So I guess it's time to break character...? Tomorrow will be interesting anyway. (insert wry grin here) I wonder what I'll actually say...
...and am hoping for a happy ending. Pun so absolutely intended.
a rather strange dream
So a couple of nights ago I had what I've been terming a nightmare, but now I'm really starting to wonder. I can't shake this one. And last night I was telling a friend about it and she had a little bit of insight into it that made me think, you know, maybe there was more to this than I knew... so I thought I'd throw it out there, as best as I can remember it, and see what you all thought...
At the beginning of the dream, I am someone else, and I am married to this guy named Andrew. Andrew and I are in the backstage area of a theatre owned by a magician, who is walking with us onto the stage. The floor is the traditional black, and the backdrop is charcoal gray, and all around the edges of the stage there's this mist - there is nothing to see in this dream world but the stage area - very much like the concept in Shakespeare's As You Like It: "all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players..."
The magician leaves, and Andrew and I find ourselves alone on the stage, exploring a bit (although there is pretty much nothing there) and suddenly I can't find Andrew. And I am calling and calling, and he doesn't answer, and I start to panic. And then there's a series of people who come onstage and they're all playing a part but they won't talk to me and they won't tell me their names and they won't answer my questions or tell me where Andrew is, and they all have this blankness to their expressions. You can't meet their eyes because there is nothing behind them - they say our eyes are the windows to our souls? These people didn't seem to have souls... They were just empty shell people, like on Camazotz.
At one point there is a little girl playing stage-right and I go over to her and I start talking to her, thinking maybe because she's young I can get her to break character and talk to me, and I am trying to get her to tell me her name. "Patricia," I say, feeling like I've been given this insight. "You look like a Patricia. Is that right?" And then the girl's "mother" comes over, and I don't remember what was said, but I think it was probably something to the effect of, "you need to leave her alone and we're not supposed to tell you our names, so stop asking all these questions" and then Patricia asks me, "well, what's your name?" (And it's like this has been the plan all along, that the two of them would trap me into answering this question, and the magician is behind it and I can sense this.) But I stop and I look at her, and I step out of character and just get real, and I look straight into her eyes and with great sincerity and compassion I tell her, "My name is Happy." And the woman gets so angry and she (or it? or something?! there was this silent roaring sound - yes, i just said silent sound... i really don't know how to describe this) just reached in and took my identity. I was still me, somehow - but she took something very essential to who I am, and there was this teetering moment, like it was possible this was how you became an empty shell person, and I could have in that moment, but I was fighting it and refused to do it, even though I'd lost something so valuable to me.
And then I woke up, shaking, terrified, feeling really gicky, and I had such a hard time waking up. Even just wandering around my apartment, I was still half-asleep but trying to wake up so that I would not fall asleep and find out what happened next. I didn't want to know.
So that's the dream...
My friend found it significant that the only person in the dream whose name I knew for sure was Andrew. She said that "Andrew" means wisdom. I actually looked it up today in a couple of places, and maybe it does, but what I found is that it means "manly" or "warrior." I'm not sure that isn't just as significant. "Patricia" is the female form of "Patrick" and means "nobleman" (from the word "patrician").
So in the dream, I've can't find the person who's supposed to fight for me or defend me, and I turn to someone who seems like they should be the sort of person who does what's right...? in a "world" controlled by someone known to be a master of illusion...
I don't know. Still not sure what to make of it. Could have been a nightmare. Could have been prophetic. (a prophetic nightmare?) Or it could have been the pizza... No idea. Thoughts?
At the beginning of the dream, I am someone else, and I am married to this guy named Andrew. Andrew and I are in the backstage area of a theatre owned by a magician, who is walking with us onto the stage. The floor is the traditional black, and the backdrop is charcoal gray, and all around the edges of the stage there's this mist - there is nothing to see in this dream world but the stage area - very much like the concept in Shakespeare's As You Like It: "all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players..."
The magician leaves, and Andrew and I find ourselves alone on the stage, exploring a bit (although there is pretty much nothing there) and suddenly I can't find Andrew. And I am calling and calling, and he doesn't answer, and I start to panic. And then there's a series of people who come onstage and they're all playing a part but they won't talk to me and they won't tell me their names and they won't answer my questions or tell me where Andrew is, and they all have this blankness to their expressions. You can't meet their eyes because there is nothing behind them - they say our eyes are the windows to our souls? These people didn't seem to have souls... They were just empty shell people, like on Camazotz.
At one point there is a little girl playing stage-right and I go over to her and I start talking to her, thinking maybe because she's young I can get her to break character and talk to me, and I am trying to get her to tell me her name. "Patricia," I say, feeling like I've been given this insight. "You look like a Patricia. Is that right?" And then the girl's "mother" comes over, and I don't remember what was said, but I think it was probably something to the effect of, "you need to leave her alone and we're not supposed to tell you our names, so stop asking all these questions" and then Patricia asks me, "well, what's your name?" (And it's like this has been the plan all along, that the two of them would trap me into answering this question, and the magician is behind it and I can sense this.) But I stop and I look at her, and I step out of character and just get real, and I look straight into her eyes and with great sincerity and compassion I tell her, "My name is Happy." And the woman gets so angry and she (or it? or something?! there was this silent roaring sound - yes, i just said silent sound... i really don't know how to describe this) just reached in and took my identity. I was still me, somehow - but she took something very essential to who I am, and there was this teetering moment, like it was possible this was how you became an empty shell person, and I could have in that moment, but I was fighting it and refused to do it, even though I'd lost something so valuable to me.
And then I woke up, shaking, terrified, feeling really gicky, and I had such a hard time waking up. Even just wandering around my apartment, I was still half-asleep but trying to wake up so that I would not fall asleep and find out what happened next. I didn't want to know.
So that's the dream...
My friend found it significant that the only person in the dream whose name I knew for sure was Andrew. She said that "Andrew" means wisdom. I actually looked it up today in a couple of places, and maybe it does, but what I found is that it means "manly" or "warrior." I'm not sure that isn't just as significant. "Patricia" is the female form of "Patrick" and means "nobleman" (from the word "patrician").
So in the dream, I've can't find the person who's supposed to fight for me or defend me, and I turn to someone who seems like they should be the sort of person who does what's right...? in a "world" controlled by someone known to be a master of illusion...
I don't know. Still not sure what to make of it. Could have been a nightmare. Could have been prophetic. (a prophetic nightmare?) Or it could have been the pizza... No idea. Thoughts?
prayer request for Life
There is a little girl named Life who is fighting for her life. Please pray for a miracle, and for continued grace and courage for her parents. You can find her story beginning here. I don't know these people at all, but I started reading their story today and I am so inspired and blessed to see the way this family is turning to Christ and being a light for Him in the midst of so much storm. God has already done such great things, and I believe He will continue to do so.
Blessings to you, Matt, Lauren, and Life. May today be an amazing day.
Blessings to you, Matt, Lauren, and Life. May today be an amazing day.
camping
So the Torchers - well, a few of us, anyway - went camping this weekend. Let me tell you, it was a unique experience! We went somewhere we'd never been, but billed as an RV/tent park, the online maps made it look fairly spacious. There were a swimming pond and a couple of fishing ponds, and a trail - so we were expecting...well, what you'd expect, I suppose.
Comment from random RV camper guy: "You're tenting it? Here? Really?"
Yes, yes we are...
Some of our neighbors had decks and well-established flower gardens.
Not quite the secluded rustic experience we were anticipating. So we just went ahead and had worship around the campfire next to the road and did our best to keep it quiet enough to not bother anybody, and that was Friday night.
Saturday, after a short night, I was up around 6:00am, and as there was really nowhere else to go, had my quiet time at a picnic table in the middle of our camp. Around 8:00am, all of a sudden it started raining. And I don't mean a light shower. It pretty much just poured. A few people, including one unfortunate tent without a rain fly, got flooded. The rain stopped, we all came out and had breakfast in the pavilion (someone had had the foresight to bring an electric gridle so we were all good.... being in an RV park there was power, so that worked out well. Lol.) and then we had our first session - an excellent message on John 15 - which was interrupted once when it began raining again - and we're talking sheets of rain - and the din on the tin roof was so loud our pastor, who can shout when he wants to, could not make himself heard.
Then the sun came out. We closed in worship, and took off for various activities. A lot of people took a trip down the "lazy river." Fortunately they were in swimsuits and didn't mind being wet, because the blue skies vanished for awhile as it sheeted rain again and then became - again - a beautiful sunny day. I spent most of the afternoon either walking and talking with people one on one or holed up in the pavilion with two of my best friends, just reading, and talking (when we could over the rain) and simply being. After dinner we had another session (during which most of us were eaten alive by mosquitoes), and then a few of us took off early for warm showers and soft beds. All in all, a good weekend, if slightly... damp. :)
It was the conversations that mattered most. This was not a weekend of idle fun and socialization, though that did happen at points. This was true fellowship, chock full of the real stuff: confessions, struggles, heartaches, hopes, and prayer. I have to say, it was pretty sweet. Restful. Significant. Real.
I am so blessed to be a part of this community.
It's a campground. You sort of imagine it to be in the woods....
Lol.
So we get there, and there are, you know, a few trees here and there, but we are definitely NOT in the woods. And our sites? oh, yes, smack in the middle of the RV park.
Comment from random RV camper guy: "You're tenting it? Here? Really?"
Yes, yes we are...
Some of our neighbors had decks and well-established flower gardens.
Not quite the secluded rustic experience we were anticipating. So we just went ahead and had worship around the campfire next to the road and did our best to keep it quiet enough to not bother anybody, and that was Friday night.
Saturday, after a short night, I was up around 6:00am, and as there was really nowhere else to go, had my quiet time at a picnic table in the middle of our camp. Around 8:00am, all of a sudden it started raining. And I don't mean a light shower. It pretty much just poured. A few people, including one unfortunate tent without a rain fly, got flooded. The rain stopped, we all came out and had breakfast in the pavilion (someone had had the foresight to bring an electric gridle so we were all good.... being in an RV park there was power, so that worked out well. Lol.) and then we had our first session - an excellent message on John 15 - which was interrupted once when it began raining again - and we're talking sheets of rain - and the din on the tin roof was so loud our pastor, who can shout when he wants to, could not make himself heard.
Then the sun came out. We closed in worship, and took off for various activities. A lot of people took a trip down the "lazy river." Fortunately they were in swimsuits and didn't mind being wet, because the blue skies vanished for awhile as it sheeted rain again and then became - again - a beautiful sunny day. I spent most of the afternoon either walking and talking with people one on one or holed up in the pavilion with two of my best friends, just reading, and talking (when we could over the rain) and simply being. After dinner we had another session (during which most of us were eaten alive by mosquitoes), and then a few of us took off early for warm showers and soft beds. All in all, a good weekend, if slightly... damp. :)
It was the conversations that mattered most. This was not a weekend of idle fun and socialization, though that did happen at points. This was true fellowship, chock full of the real stuff: confessions, struggles, heartaches, hopes, and prayer. I have to say, it was pretty sweet. Restful. Significant. Real.
I am so blessed to be a part of this community.
3:00am musings on a couple of things
Tho I think it's actually closer to 3:30am now...
Absolutely no idea why I'm up, kind of wishing I wasn't as I can feel that I'm tired and would prefer to be getting a decent night's sleep because I can... but there it is, and here I am, and we'll see what happens next....
Been kicking a lot of things around in my head lately - which could be part of it, I guess. Maybe my brain has decided it's time to sort through some of it so it can rest properly...lol. So Thing 1 - I'm going camping this weekend with about 25 other people from Torch; should be fun. "Fun..." I love that word. As it can mean all sorts of things, including the opposite of itself. ;) Hoping the mosquitos haven't noticed it's been raining half the week and have not multiplied inexplicably (again). Taking bug spray. Lots. I do like camping, actually. I'm just rather anti-insect. I'd personally just rather go camping in the fall when you can bundle up at night and be relatively bug-free during the day.
Thing 2 - God's Word. Can I tell you how much I love this Book? Erin posted very honestly a few days ago about some of her struggles in reading it, and her post (including some of the interesting conversation following it) has gotten me thinking about my own journey with the Book. I was very blessed as a relatively new Christian to be given a Bible by two staffers from the summer camp at which I came to Christ. These two guys has pretty much pulled an all-nighter, praying for a few of their campers, and asking God to lead them to verses that would be particularly helpful to us throughout our lives. They labeled it the "Emergency Scripture List" and wrote it out on the back cover, and let me tell you, I could probably fill a book with how much each of those verses has come to mean to me since then...
Something one of them wrote towards the middle of the ESL has really stuck with me: "God's Word takes a lifetime - an eternal lifetime? - to experience."
Ah. So there's time. And I don't have to get it all at once. And if I don't understand it, it's okay because someday - "here, there, or in the air" - I will. And I think one of the things I love most about the Book is that it isn't dependent on me to understand it to be true. And you can get into all kinds of contextual and historical and translational arguments if you like - and a lot of that conversation is interesting - but to be honest, at the end of the day, I know the Book is true because reading it has changed me in a way that no other book has. Hebrews 4:12 (NKJV) says: "For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." The NIV says it is "living and active" and I have found this to be true. It's gotten into my blood, into the very structure of who I am - it shapes the way I think, the way I behave, the questions that I wrestle with. Everything comes back to the Book, because it's the only thing I can be absolutely sure that God has said. And anything else I think He says, through circumstance, that quiet voice in my spirit, through other people - it all gets held up to the Book, because it says that God doesn't change, so the sort of things He would say won't change either.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that every time I sit down to read the Bible I have some sort of crazy cool mystical experience or anything. Most of the time it isn't like that - a lot of the time it's simply reading, and trusting God's Spirit to hide His word in my heart (tangent - while I was looking up the verse that idea comes from, I found all this, and it was a good rabbit trail, looking at the associations between word and heart throughout the Bible) so that when I need it, it'll be there - and the Holy Spirit does bring His word to mind when I need it - sometimes to encourage someone, sometimes to convict me about something... 2 Timothy 3:15-17 tells us that all Scripture has a purpose (even the geneologies!). And I get to spend my lifetime searching that out, with the Teacher who wrote it, and who knows the reasons for every stroke of the pens that recorded it for Him.
One more thought... while I can look back and say how blessed I am to have been given such a personal connection with the Word at an early age - I have taken that for granted so often. There have been seasons where my Bible has collected dust, and there are days when I do not pick it up (to my detriment, I think), and there are moments when I hear the phrase "search the Scriptures" spouted as advice and want to scream because I haven't the faintest idea how to do that. But if you think about, those of us who have a Bible or the internet (and therefore access to it) are so richly blessed. There are entire nations who still don't have His Word in their language. There are people all over the world who would give anything for a copy of the Book but can't afford it, or don't have access to it... but we do.
And this love for the Book I started writing about an hour ago? I asked for it. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? But I'd been walking with God for 17 years before I thought to do it. And there are days I don't feel it. There are days I don't feel love at all - but it doesn't mean I don't love. Love is a choice, not an emotion. I like it when it comes with emotion. It's nice. It feels good. But I do love this Book, as I love the One who wrote it, and so even when I'm not feeling it, I will still act on it. I will read it. I will memorize it. And I will teach it.
One of the coolest things I've ever been privileged to experience was sitting in the Chapel at my college, and hearing three men who loved the Book tell us - from memory - the entire book of Revelation. It was amazing. And the next year, they did Romans. It was a lot of work - they met every week early in the morning for breakfast and worked on memorizing it together - but they did it, and it blessed us immeasurably. I mean, seriously, years later, here I am, writing about how hearing God's Word spoken like that affected me so deeply. Deeply enough that I want to give others the same gift. I'm memorizing Ephesians. And I have to tell you, knowing chapter one fairly well now - going back and reading it is like sitting down to coffee with a good friend by a fire on a cold winter night when there's fresh snow fall and moonlight on the lake...
So my prayer for you, on this extremely early mid-western summer morning, is simply this: that God's Spirit would breathe new life into your time with the Book today, and that you would truly come to love this Book. Amen.
Absolutely no idea why I'm up, kind of wishing I wasn't as I can feel that I'm tired and would prefer to be getting a decent night's sleep because I can... but there it is, and here I am, and we'll see what happens next....
Been kicking a lot of things around in my head lately - which could be part of it, I guess. Maybe my brain has decided it's time to sort through some of it so it can rest properly...lol. So Thing 1 - I'm going camping this weekend with about 25 other people from Torch; should be fun. "Fun..." I love that word. As it can mean all sorts of things, including the opposite of itself. ;) Hoping the mosquitos haven't noticed it's been raining half the week and have not multiplied inexplicably (again). Taking bug spray. Lots. I do like camping, actually. I'm just rather anti-insect. I'd personally just rather go camping in the fall when you can bundle up at night and be relatively bug-free during the day.
Thing 2 - God's Word. Can I tell you how much I love this Book? Erin posted very honestly a few days ago about some of her struggles in reading it, and her post (including some of the interesting conversation following it) has gotten me thinking about my own journey with the Book. I was very blessed as a relatively new Christian to be given a Bible by two staffers from the summer camp at which I came to Christ. These two guys has pretty much pulled an all-nighter, praying for a few of their campers, and asking God to lead them to verses that would be particularly helpful to us throughout our lives. They labeled it the "Emergency Scripture List" and wrote it out on the back cover, and let me tell you, I could probably fill a book with how much each of those verses has come to mean to me since then...
Something one of them wrote towards the middle of the ESL has really stuck with me: "God's Word takes a lifetime - an eternal lifetime? - to experience."
Ah. So there's time. And I don't have to get it all at once. And if I don't understand it, it's okay because someday - "here, there, or in the air" - I will. And I think one of the things I love most about the Book is that it isn't dependent on me to understand it to be true. And you can get into all kinds of contextual and historical and translational arguments if you like - and a lot of that conversation is interesting - but to be honest, at the end of the day, I know the Book is true because reading it has changed me in a way that no other book has. Hebrews 4:12 (NKJV) says: "For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." The NIV says it is "living and active" and I have found this to be true. It's gotten into my blood, into the very structure of who I am - it shapes the way I think, the way I behave, the questions that I wrestle with. Everything comes back to the Book, because it's the only thing I can be absolutely sure that God has said. And anything else I think He says, through circumstance, that quiet voice in my spirit, through other people - it all gets held up to the Book, because it says that God doesn't change, so the sort of things He would say won't change either.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that every time I sit down to read the Bible I have some sort of crazy cool mystical experience or anything. Most of the time it isn't like that - a lot of the time it's simply reading, and trusting God's Spirit to hide His word in my heart (tangent - while I was looking up the verse that idea comes from, I found all this, and it was a good rabbit trail, looking at the associations between word and heart throughout the Bible) so that when I need it, it'll be there - and the Holy Spirit does bring His word to mind when I need it - sometimes to encourage someone, sometimes to convict me about something... 2 Timothy 3:15-17 tells us that all Scripture has a purpose (even the geneologies!). And I get to spend my lifetime searching that out, with the Teacher who wrote it, and who knows the reasons for every stroke of the pens that recorded it for Him.
One more thought... while I can look back and say how blessed I am to have been given such a personal connection with the Word at an early age - I have taken that for granted so often. There have been seasons where my Bible has collected dust, and there are days when I do not pick it up (to my detriment, I think), and there are moments when I hear the phrase "search the Scriptures" spouted as advice and want to scream because I haven't the faintest idea how to do that. But if you think about, those of us who have a Bible or the internet (and therefore access to it) are so richly blessed. There are entire nations who still don't have His Word in their language. There are people all over the world who would give anything for a copy of the Book but can't afford it, or don't have access to it... but we do.
And this love for the Book I started writing about an hour ago? I asked for it. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? But I'd been walking with God for 17 years before I thought to do it. And there are days I don't feel it. There are days I don't feel love at all - but it doesn't mean I don't love. Love is a choice, not an emotion. I like it when it comes with emotion. It's nice. It feels good. But I do love this Book, as I love the One who wrote it, and so even when I'm not feeling it, I will still act on it. I will read it. I will memorize it. And I will teach it.
One of the coolest things I've ever been privileged to experience was sitting in the Chapel at my college, and hearing three men who loved the Book tell us - from memory - the entire book of Revelation. It was amazing. And the next year, they did Romans. It was a lot of work - they met every week early in the morning for breakfast and worked on memorizing it together - but they did it, and it blessed us immeasurably. I mean, seriously, years later, here I am, writing about how hearing God's Word spoken like that affected me so deeply. Deeply enough that I want to give others the same gift. I'm memorizing Ephesians. And I have to tell you, knowing chapter one fairly well now - going back and reading it is like sitting down to coffee with a good friend by a fire on a cold winter night when there's fresh snow fall and moonlight on the lake...
So my prayer for you, on this extremely early mid-western summer morning, is simply this: that God's Spirit would breathe new life into your time with the Book today, and that you would truly come to love this Book. Amen.
incongruity (or: did that just happen?!)
The word of the day is "incongruous."
I was taking a walk on this beautiful mid-Western summer evening, and - keeping in mind that I live in the suburbs - was oinked at by a very large pig.
Our neighbors have one as a pet, and it was out in the front yard on its leash, just sniffing around by their car.
I love moments like this.
I was taking a walk on this beautiful mid-Western summer evening, and - keeping in mind that I live in the suburbs - was oinked at by a very large pig.
Our neighbors have one as a pet, and it was out in the front yard on its leash, just sniffing around by their car.
I love moments like this.
Two Conversations
"There are more colors on the palette of your soul than you have even begun to paint with."
My friend Matt said that to me years ago, during one of the last times I had the privilege of sitting in his office, learning everything I possibly could from him about how to lead worship and do it well. I can still say that most of what I get right is because Matt taught me how to do it, and I will always be grateful for that season of discipleship.
More colors....
When Matt said that, I completely burst into tears, and when he asked why, I couldn't explain it anymore than to simply say, "Because it's true!!" and I knew that it was, but I hadn't the slightest idea what he meant by it.
Last week after I preached, Mary, one of our mentors at Torch, stopped me to give me a huge hug and tell me how proud she was... (which is just cool in and of itself from someone you look up to as kind of a mom) and then she looked at me for a minute, and she said, "This is the road, isn't it?"
It is. I don't how I know that, and I'm not sure what that means, but "this" - whatever it is, and it involves teaching - is the road.
I'm kind of floored by that right now...
"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." - Psalm 86:11
My friend Matt said that to me years ago, during one of the last times I had the privilege of sitting in his office, learning everything I possibly could from him about how to lead worship and do it well. I can still say that most of what I get right is because Matt taught me how to do it, and I will always be grateful for that season of discipleship.
More colors....
When Matt said that, I completely burst into tears, and when he asked why, I couldn't explain it anymore than to simply say, "Because it's true!!" and I knew that it was, but I hadn't the slightest idea what he meant by it.
****
Last week after I preached, Mary, one of our mentors at Torch, stopped me to give me a huge hug and tell me how proud she was... (which is just cool in and of itself from someone you look up to as kind of a mom) and then she looked at me for a minute, and she said, "This is the road, isn't it?"
It is. I don't how I know that, and I'm not sure what that means, but "this" - whatever it is, and it involves teaching - is the road.
I'm kind of floored by that right now...
"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." - Psalm 86:11
that... was incredible
So preaching Monday night was probably one of the coolest things I have ever done. I was really nervous going in (but you knew that!) and as I stood in front of all those people and Mark prayed over me, the expected and dreaded adrenaline rush hit, and I thought, oh no! I'm a goner... oh, Lord, please help!
And He did. :)
I was totally fine, and while I know I have years worth of growing to do, and that there are probably a dozen ways in which it could have been better - that was a really good first run. And it feels strange to say that, like it's prideful or something, but I feel like I had so little to do with it - really, I'm just grateful, because there are so many ways I could have totally screwed that up, and I didn't. In fact, God really used me to speak, and I'm sure I don't even have a clue as to half of what He did. I am so honored, and so humbled, that He would do that...
And afterwards, a handful of people were waiting around to talk to me, to tell me how God had spoken to them, and to tell me their stories about hard things going on in their lives - and I got to pray with them, and see God at work in ways I could never have anticipated Sunday night, as I sat editing and re-editing, and doing my best just to be faithful to His word and what was kind of on my heart to say... It didn't go perfectly - but that didn't seem to matter - God's Word just went out and did what it does - and to be allowed to carry it was just an immense privilege... I'm honestly not even sure that it's really sunk in yet... I actually preached ... and it went well!
And He did. :)
I was totally fine, and while I know I have years worth of growing to do, and that there are probably a dozen ways in which it could have been better - that was a really good first run. And it feels strange to say that, like it's prideful or something, but I feel like I had so little to do with it - really, I'm just grateful, because there are so many ways I could have totally screwed that up, and I didn't. In fact, God really used me to speak, and I'm sure I don't even have a clue as to half of what He did. I am so honored, and so humbled, that He would do that...
And afterwards, a handful of people were waiting around to talk to me, to tell me how God had spoken to them, and to tell me their stories about hard things going on in their lives - and I got to pray with them, and see God at work in ways I could never have anticipated Sunday night, as I sat editing and re-editing, and doing my best just to be faithful to His word and what was kind of on my heart to say... It didn't go perfectly - but that didn't seem to matter - God's Word just went out and did what it does - and to be allowed to carry it was just an immense privilege... I'm honestly not even sure that it's really sunk in yet... I actually preached ... and it went well!
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