"Hope is hearing the music of the future. Faith is to dance to it." - Reuben Alves
I think the orchestra might be on holiday...
So... I'm obviously in a bloggy mood today. :) And I've been thinking a lot about hope. It's been kind a recurring theme this year, actually. Learning to hope, recognizing that it's something I have struggled with for awhile, trying now to figure out what to hope in...
Our pastor says to hope in God, and not in what we think He's said. He isn't advocating not believing God's promises in His Word - rather he's refering to those things we feel God has told us about specific situations. And I get that - to a degree. Rachel's post on hope this week spoke into that, actually...
But that leaves me with a question.
What do you with it when you feel like God has promised you something? What do you do with it, when you look at a mountain, and you see your future on it? Do you say, "thanks for the promise, God?" and go on with your life as if nothing has happened? Or do you say, "NO! I am going to believe this no matter what." And how do you know for sure that God spoke?
Our series at Torch right now is about relationships. We're being encouraged to believe for godly mates. Which is great... but okay, seriously, statistically - we can't possibly all get married because there are more women than men in the world. I just want to point that out...
One of the things that stuck with me from that prayer meeting last night was a call issued to the church at large to step it up in the area of adoption - to be the hands and feet of Christ to the "unwanted" - to become parents to an otherwise parent-less generation. I have always wanted to adopt. I have always wanted to be a mom. And I have always wanted a large family.
Praying last night, and remembering all of this, I found myself crying out to the Lord about it all. I know that I can be a "mom" whether I'm married or not. Amy Carmichael was Amma to hundreds of children in India, and she never married. In fact, she turned down a perfectly good proposal from a man she truly loved to stay in India and continue her work there.
Is it weakness to say that I don't want that?
Is it weakness to say, "God, I will go wherever You want me to go, and I will do whatever You want me to do, but please, will you either take away my desire to be married altogether and make me okay with the thought of a life lived alone, with You alone as my husband, or could we just get on with this?" I am 33 years old. I do not want to be having babies when I am 40.
And how do you adopt a million kids and yet travel all over the world? Which is an equally strong desire of my heart right now... And on what pretext do you do that - travel all over the world, I mean? What is my calling? What is God's vision for my life? All I know are pieces of it. Teaching. Singing. Mentoring. Writing. Travel. A passion for His bride and for the unity of the church. Concern for my generation, and the way we seem to be, in general, so lost... even those of us who aren't eternally lost are still wandering about (many of us) wondering what we're supposed to do with our lives and looking for meaning...
It seems to me that it would be so much easier to determine a vision for my life if I knew this one piece... but maybe that's just an excuse. I don't know.
Just thinking. And trying not to be too depressed about it. Failing rather miserably at the moment. :( But knowing that for all that it's completely cliche, it really will be alright. God knows His plan. And it's a good one. Far better than anything I could have ever come up with on my own. And the thing is, I love my life right now. I know that I am serving God well as a single woman, and I am glad for the freedom I have. I just wish... I don't know. I wish I knew for sure whether it's something I should hope for, getting married someday - or if throwing in the towel and giving up on that dream altogether is something I can somehow manage to do without a trace of bitterness, regret, or hard-heartedness. If He'd just say - I think I could be okay with it. Really... But right now, I'm really not. Right now I am really tired of waiting for "someday."
Rant over. Now seeking chocolate...
3 comments:
Definitely wait for the Mac. I have been a Mac user for a long time and love them. My desktop is 10 years old and my laptop is 8 years old. The laptop display is fried which "totals" the machine. My desktop is a little schizo but still working. No one can show you a 10-year old desktop PC that still runs all the curent software...They're wonderful. As long as this old desktop keeps firing up, I will keep saving up.
Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate them!
The thing about hope and faith is that we have no control of the outcome but we know it when we see it.
We can be purposeful about it though. We can take steps that move us closer to the goal, all the while trusting the Lord to open and close the right doors.
DON'T give up on what the Lord has tucked into your heart.
Wow you've been busy here.
I hate that we sometimes feel like we can only know that God is faithful in hindsight...i.e. if the things he promises come true. I have been there, and I have seen the desires of my heart come true...but the waiting and wondering in the mean time is a pain.
I simply pray you peace with things as they come. I only know you in text and yet I know you are a special woman with the grace to love on people. I know God will use that in your life, but I can't tell you how.
And like Ruth said, look for the open doors. I know you already do that, but there's a reminder.
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