It was a hot summer Thursday evening years ago at a Vine Band rehearsal; our bassist was wearing flipflops and he took them off. Our worship leader commented on this, and our bassist replied something to the effect of: "you can't play rock-n-roll in flip flops, there's just something wrong with that." So we all went barefoot for rehearsal.
Sunday morning, in fun, he dared us to go barefoot on stage, so we did - and it was one of the most worshipful Sundays we'd had. Reflecting on it later, a couple of us agreed that at some point during worship that morning, our bare feet had become less about musical protocol and so much more about standing on holy ground, and I can only think of a handful of times over the past few years since then that I've worn shoes on stage while singing or leading worship. I am known around our group at church, by those who don't know my name, as "that chick who leads worship in her sock feet" - and I am okay with that. If it makes them think for a second, "why does she do that?" - excellent. If they ask me - even better.
There's an unwritten rule at my current church that shoes are to be worn on stage, but it seems to be vaguely rooted, though vehemently enforced. I found out about this rule when I auditioned for the team about a year ago (in my sock feet) and really wrestled with it all summer, even at times in tears over it. What would I do when I got on stage? Wearing shoes up there after years of not doing it distracts me to no end - I suppose if I absolutely had to, I could lead with shoes on, but it would be hard work and would take me a long time to get to a point where I didn't notice my feet... The first time I sang at a service this summer, I got on stage with my shoes on, butI felt so compelled to take them off, and finally, in my heart, it came down to a question of obedience - who would I obey, God or men? So I took my shoes off, and have continued to do so. A lot of my fears about eventual repercussions were alleviated a couple weeks ago when one of our senior pastors complimented me on my socks (I was wearing fun stripy ones). But then one of the worship leaders heard about it and told me I had to wear shoes. For the whole rest of that rehearsal I prayed and struggled with my frustration, until God opened the door for a positive conversation about it, and I gained permission to wear surreptitious socks.
Why is this such a big deal? I mean, I understand the argument that on stage we should be as non-distracting as possible, although I maintain that if people are not only noticing but having issues with my sock feet that they have greater issues to contend with about their own ability to worship. But there are so many other things in the "worship wars" that are more important to wrestle with than what I do or do not wear on my feet! Or are there? I don't claim that going sock foot makes me a better worship leader, or that people who lead worship with their shoes on are not good at what they do (hello, Chris Tomlin wears very nice shoes). But I believe that God has called me to go sock foot, or barefoot, when I'm on stage. And here's why:
1) it's a sign of respect. We take our shoes off when we go into people's houses so we won't track dirt on their carpets. Why should we track dirt into God's house? (there are spiritual applications of this, if you want to go there)
2) it's a sign of being at home. We don't hesitate to kick our shoes off and tuck our feet up under us on a friend's couch. Shouldn't we be that comfortable in God's house? (so it's a symbolic act of worship that approaches both God's otherness (point #1) and God's nearness (point #2))
3) it's biblical. Moses had an experience in God's presence where he was ordered to take off his shoes because he was standing on holy ground - and if I'm remembering correctly, so did Elijah.
4) it's about humility. Standing on stage in my sock feet reminds me that I am not there because of my own merit - I am not the most gifted musician nor the most talented vocalist in my band (nor have I ever been). I am not professionally trained, nor am I a particularly skilled leader. But God has called me, and there is nothing in the world I love doing more than leading God's people in worship. (Except maybe the planning process that goes into doing that.) Mark says God doesn't let me glimpse the anointing He has on me so I won't get arrogant about it. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that as an artist I can get really caught up in my art and be way too proud about my abilities. Learning to say thank you to people who compliment me in church without internalizing it as "all about me" has been tough - I think I'm mostly there, but there's a line between letting people build you up and letting them puff you up. So standing in my sock feet is simply an outward sign of humility (which ironically sounds a bit show-offy). Nevertheless, taking off my shoes has become a ritual act of worship that no matter how quickly or reverently done, helps me shift into "this is not about me" mode, which I think is essential, especially considering I will probably rarely have the opportunity to lead worship from the back of the room on a routine basis again.
5) it's an act of obedience. Even if I don't understand all the reasons He has for it, ultimately what it comes down to is that I feel God has called me to lead worship without my shoes on. I'd rather obey Him on this than argue, honestly.
So that's the story... and I'm really hoping and praying that the permission I've gained to continue wearing socks on stage will not be revoked. I haven't quite figured out whether this an issue worth walking off stage for - but I would hate to have to make that choice, tho I trust that He will help me make the right one, if it comes to that.
doorkeeping and hot dogs
"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked." - Psalm 84:10
September 11, 2004. I checked my email that Saturday afternoon, and read this email from a friend whose wisdom I trust:
It is about 1:30 on Saturday. I was out working in the yard and God really put you on my heart. So, in obedience here goes. Over the past several months I have really seen your personal joy and passion diminish. To the point where things in your life are challenging day to day because there is not a broader sense of meaning driving you. So I asked the Lord why. The response I felt in my heart is that you are avoiding something he has called you to. I sensed it is something you have known for quite some time but have not followed through on out of fear. In the meantime you have thrown yourself into kingdom work that is good, but is not what you are called to.
Though I have a somewhat charismatic bent, I am not a "thus sayeth the Lord" type. Please take this for what it is worth. If it serves to confirm other things the Lord is saying to you and showing you, then praise God. If not, call it a reaction to the hot dogs I had for lunch.
God Bless
Mike
Two and a half years later, I am thinking about prophecy and going back to Mike's words and still wondering about them. He was right - my passion and joy were fizzling out; I was solidly tired. But while his words rang true to a degree, I wasn't sure what he meant by this idea that I wasn't following through on something I was called to. I finally settled on calling my job "kingdom work that is good, but not what I'm called to" - I liked nannying, but it wasn't my calling - but I'm still wondering if that's it. And I'm still wondering if it's possible that I've been called to something I'm afraid of. International missions comes to mind, but I don't think I'm still here because I'm afraid; there are just practical details that need to fall into place. I don't know; maybe the details are just an excuse, but I don't think so... I think there is more I am supposed to do and learn here before I go, and I really don't see the missions gig happening until I'm in my 40s.
This email from Mike came at a season in my life when I was just learning that I could lead worship well and creatively, when I was discovering that I actually have a knack for all the dimensions of worship leading that aren't seen - shepherding my team, scheduling, running rehearsals, service planning. I was starting to dream about a church job..."someday." And I am afraid to pursue that... I'll be honest and say that. Yesterday I talked to someone at a church in Iowa; a friend is applying for a job there - and it struck me that a year from now I could be having a conversation with someone who might (or might not!) want to hire me... Scary. Was that what Mike was referring to? He didn't know, it was just his sense from God that there was something - and he did encourage me to take a risk and get my resume together. Which I still haven't. I was already leading worship somewhere - but it was volunteer, not professional... and I have known for years that singing/worshipping are central to who I am, and there's a sense in which it does feel foolish not to be pursuing that passion professionally...
So here I am at another crossroads today. Last Sunday, I stepped down from the volunteer worship leading position I'm in at church as of March. Then, on Wednesday, I led worship for our group for what I thought was one of the last three times - and it was one of the top five worship leading experiences I've ever had. It was so sweet... And I wondered, why would God ask me to step away from this now? It doesn't make sense...
September 11, 2004. I checked my email that Saturday afternoon, and read this email from a friend whose wisdom I trust:
It is about 1:30 on Saturday. I was out working in the yard and God really put you on my heart. So, in obedience here goes. Over the past several months I have really seen your personal joy and passion diminish. To the point where things in your life are challenging day to day because there is not a broader sense of meaning driving you. So I asked the Lord why. The response I felt in my heart is that you are avoiding something he has called you to. I sensed it is something you have known for quite some time but have not followed through on out of fear. In the meantime you have thrown yourself into kingdom work that is good, but is not what you are called to.
Though I have a somewhat charismatic bent, I am not a "thus sayeth the Lord" type. Please take this for what it is worth. If it serves to confirm other things the Lord is saying to you and showing you, then praise God. If not, call it a reaction to the hot dogs I had for lunch.
God Bless
Mike
Two and a half years later, I am thinking about prophecy and going back to Mike's words and still wondering about them. He was right - my passion and joy were fizzling out; I was solidly tired. But while his words rang true to a degree, I wasn't sure what he meant by this idea that I wasn't following through on something I was called to. I finally settled on calling my job "kingdom work that is good, but not what I'm called to" - I liked nannying, but it wasn't my calling - but I'm still wondering if that's it. And I'm still wondering if it's possible that I've been called to something I'm afraid of. International missions comes to mind, but I don't think I'm still here because I'm afraid; there are just practical details that need to fall into place. I don't know; maybe the details are just an excuse, but I don't think so... I think there is more I am supposed to do and learn here before I go, and I really don't see the missions gig happening until I'm in my 40s.
This email from Mike came at a season in my life when I was just learning that I could lead worship well and creatively, when I was discovering that I actually have a knack for all the dimensions of worship leading that aren't seen - shepherding my team, scheduling, running rehearsals, service planning. I was starting to dream about a church job..."someday." And I am afraid to pursue that... I'll be honest and say that. Yesterday I talked to someone at a church in Iowa; a friend is applying for a job there - and it struck me that a year from now I could be having a conversation with someone who might (or might not!) want to hire me... Scary. Was that what Mike was referring to? He didn't know, it was just his sense from God that there was something - and he did encourage me to take a risk and get my resume together. Which I still haven't. I was already leading worship somewhere - but it was volunteer, not professional... and I have known for years that singing/worshipping are central to who I am, and there's a sense in which it does feel foolish not to be pursuing that passion professionally...
So here I am at another crossroads today. Last Sunday, I stepped down from the volunteer worship leading position I'm in at church as of March. Then, on Wednesday, I led worship for our group for what I thought was one of the last three times - and it was one of the top five worship leading experiences I've ever had. It was so sweet... And I wondered, why would God ask me to step away from this now? It doesn't make sense...
And then I was challenged by someone (who also has prophetic gifts) to rethink my decision. I thought I was following God's lead -I'd let go, I was okay with stepping down, I'm tired, I was starting to look forward to the break, and I was dreaming of other avenues for my talents, like maybe starting an Alpha course... and then the question: "Are you sure God is calling you to step down, sister? Because I'll be honest with you; I just don't see it."
You know what? I don't know if I see it either.
Prophecy is a weird thing. It's subject to human error. I can't make major life decisions based on what people say. Ultimately, God's direction needs to be what determines my steps. Yet He does speak through prophetic words...
Prophecy is a weird thing. It's subject to human error. I can't make major life decisions based on what people say. Ultimately, God's direction needs to be what determines my steps. Yet He does speak through prophetic words...
Am I making a decision to step down out of fear of the unknown? There are certainly elements of fear present, should I continue to lead worship at this church... but fear isn't real, and can't be the driving force behind what I do or don't do. It's just an emotion. With His help, I can be brave enough to keep at this... but is it what He wants?
I've been thinking/praying/meditating/existing with this question for days. This morning, God asked me what I want. I want to lead to worship anywhere I can as often as I can so that I will continue to get better at it. I also want to be doing what He wants me to do, so if what I want conflicts with what He wants, I want to know that, so I can choose what He wants. There have been times - like choosing not to go to Germany this month - where I have solidly known the difference between my wishes and His and chosen His, for the best. This is not one of those situations. And I think I'm trying to listen so hard I'm imagining what He might say instead of hearing what He is saying.
I've been thinking/praying/meditating/existing with this question for days. This morning, God asked me what I want. I want to lead to worship anywhere I can as often as I can so that I will continue to get better at it. I also want to be doing what He wants me to do, so if what I want conflicts with what He wants, I want to know that, so I can choose what He wants. There have been times - like choosing not to go to Germany this month - where I have solidly known the difference between my wishes and His and chosen His, for the best. This is not one of those situations. And I think I'm trying to listen so hard I'm imagining what He might say instead of hearing what He is saying.
At the end of the day, I would rather be doing the humblest of tasks in God's house than to be anywhere else. If I could have been anyone in Scripture I would have been Anna, because she got to be in His house all day every day for years and years and years. It's who I am; it's where I belong; it's what I was made for. But I don't want to be so solidly fixed on that that I miss it if He calls me to anything else for a season... would He do that? (Is He doing that?)
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